NotesFromtheVoices

Yesterday was a pretty decent day. We had to take our son to presurgical services to discuss his upcoming MRI on Thursday. We met with the anesthesiologist. I was rather pleased with the visit. My husband was not. He had the doctor had slight words when he found out he couldn't go back with our son. After talking with the folks in radiology, we found out it is up to the anesthesiologist whether or not the parents are there. My husband and in-laws can be difficult at times with medical professionals. This is why I take the study week by week. I never know how he will be. I am a little nervous about Thursday but I am ready. After the doctors, we took JJ to see his first movie in a movie theater. He had an absolute ball. He had popcorn and a slushy. He told us that he could get used to this. We went to see "Bolt." This was the only children's movie showing. Miley Cyrus is okay but I couldn't really get past her voice throughout the film. But the most important thing ...

Right now, my sister-in-law is doing my hair. She is great when it comes to hair. She really has a calling for it. But cosmetology was not her thing. She wanted to be a truck driver more. I am glad that I am eating better and soon will be taking some sort of vitamin supplement. Hopefully, I can help my hair grow back. The house we own is small. I’m not sure of the square footage but it’s our home. Anyway, I have a lot of possessions. A lot. I could easily take over the house so most of my things are stored in my huge bathroom. Saturday, I reorganized that room. I took all the containers out and went through them. Everything is now neat and organized with labels. This is part of my spring cleaning. There is a chance I could get a job in the next two weeks and have to move for the job. I want to be ready. I cleaned while my son played and watched videos. When I went to bed, I was tired but happy. I still have some more containers to go through but the bulk of it is done. I am also starti...

I am at the library patiently waiting for the librarian to put out the new magazines so I can check out the previous ones. I'll probably cheat and ask her if I can put them out for her. She likes me because I give the library tons of magazines when I am done with them. Plus, they know how much I looooove libraries. Last night, My husband and I went out to dinner for our anniversary. It was a nice dinner. I was pretty proud of myself. I ate a roll with butter, most of the salad, most of the french fries and chicken tenders. During the day, I did four loads of laundry and cleaned the house. I wanted everything to be nice. Meanwhile, my husband, my father-in-law and my husband's friends were pulling up a rotten floor in a mobile home brought for his niece. My husband was not in a good mood when he came home. On the way to Logan's, at Logan's and on the way home, this was all he talked about. I could have went out to dinner tonight but with possible bad weather, I decided n...

I am starting to finally feel pretty decent. I really think all this stems from the fact that my body is used to being in a pattern of restrict and release. Right now, it doesn't not understand if the eating is for real or is just a tease. I don't feel as nauseous as I did a week ago. Today is my fifth wedding anniversary. After last year, I was really worried that we wouldn't make it as a couple. But we did. We celebrated last night at midnight with a sparkling cider toast and a few snicker miniatures candies. I still haven't heard anything from the job interview. I am trying to stay positive but I am scared that I will never get a job. So I am trying to stay busy to keep my mind from wondering. We have lived in our home since June of last year. I have yet to really unpack. My huge bathroom is one big storage container. So I am tackling this right now. It is hard going through seven years of memories. But I am making some headway. Right now, I am trying not to feel los...

After a long week, I made it back to Chapel Hill. It was nice relaxing drive. Today was my husband's off week. I am feeling much better. So far, breakfast and lunch. I talked with the nutritionist about my diet. I have to admit that I went to the meeting a little defensive. My last encounter with a nutritionist didn't end well. The last one treated me like I was in boot camp. But Jenn was very nice. We looked at my food journals from the first week in the program and last week. She was very impressed that I tried to eat even though I felt like crap. Also I maintained my weight. I didn't lose anything. I feel pretty good. Well, now it is time to make the three hour drive back home. Maybe I'll stop for some ice cream.

It has been a long week. I had a great job interview. And the amazing thing, they had no idea how bad I felt. A few hours after the interview, I went to the emergency room because the abdominal pain got so bad. After many tests and drinking the contrast for the ct scan, the doctor said they couldn't find anything. I felt bad so I was given some pain meds and sent on my way. My husband has been a trooper throughout all of this. We arrived at the er at 10:30 PM and left at 7 A.M. Saturday is a blur of sleeping and trying to eat. At least I was successful at a sleeping. Throughout out all of this, I actually wanted to eat. Today is my first day out. I won't say out and about because I am just out to get my seroquel and remeron refilled and to buy some peas. Yes, I have a craving for green peas with butter. My husband brought all of my favorites to eat because he wanted me to try to have something on my stomach. It took me all day Saturday to eat a container of yogurt and some crac...

Study day went pretty good. During couples' therapy, a lot of things were said. I opened up to my husband about my ED and he in turn opened up to me. We don't talk about my ED. We just do this dance around it. My husband is not the type to cry. Yesterday, he cried when he talked about I looked back in August of last year. He told me what he sees when he looks at me. He sees me at 75 pounds not the 105 lbs that I am. Yes, I have lost two pounds. My therapist is not too concern but wants me to work on maintaining. Yesterday, things got pretty emotional. I am not good at emotions so it was hard to hear but I am glad he said it. But here's the good thing that came from it--it kept the lines of communication open. Instead of a looooong quiet ride home, we actually talked. Also during the couples' therapy, we talked about our communication style. I isolated myself in my room or ignore James. And he pretty much does the same in order not to make my ED or anxiety worse. Therapy...

Today is Wednesday which means I am in Chapel Hill. Yesterday was a bad day. I was very down about the state of things. My husband and my son spent the day away from the house running errands and such. I had a chance to just think and clean. It made things a little okay. The ride to Chapel Hill was nice. My husband drove and we had actually car conversation. It was nice. For each week, I have homework and goals. This was I was suppose to drink 60 ounces of water daily and try for three meals and two snacks each day. Well, I can drink 40 ounces of water daily. I have other liquids as well. And each day, I have two meals and one snack. I think this is an improvement for one meal and ton of junk food. I even brought soup to eat while meeting with my therapist today. She likes to see me eating. A cousin of my husband's died and the funeral was today. The fact that he chose me over the funeral is very encouraging. Plus, I think his parents strong urged this. Lately, I have been in a bla...

Today is the beginning of a new week. Mondays are the days I call for my unemployment. Each Monday, I begin with the hope that this will be the last week I will have to file. I think unemployment runs out in early May so I am not stressing too much. I saw where a reporter job has come open at a paper an hour away. I have put together a package to send them. Once again, I am keeping my fingers cross. Yesterday was not a good food day. I had two meals and one snack. At least the snack was a bowl of Raisin Bran. It is not that I don't want to eat. I just don't have the normal hunger cues others have. I am working on this. One of my homework assignments from my therapist is the positives and negatives I have gained from being anorexic. This is a hard list to write because it's scary facing your worst thing. The thing that will eventually kill you if you don't step up and fight it.

I am a big fan of libraries. We all have our coping mechanism or a happy place. Mine is the library. If I am having a bad day or week, I come to the library. The quiet, the books and librarians--it makes me happy. I can come here to get away from bad stuff. Today is a dreary, rainy day but in the library it is warm and toasty. So far, I am going to check out my favorite newspaper--the Atlanta Journal-Constitution. You can only check out three magazines at a time so I am going with Entertainment Weekly, Vanity Fair and People. When I get a job, I am going to renew my subscription to Entertainment Weekly. My mailbox and I miss it. Vanity Fair just rocks! And People helps celebrity gossip addiction. I am trying to figure out the next book to read for my list. Yesterday, I had a pretty good day. My husband and I left the beach for home at about 6:30 a.m. because I had an event to cover for the newspaper. He was so sweet and didn't wake me during the drive. I had a great time being a wr...

I read this column in my local paper about the number of books that former President George W. Bush read in 2008. The man read 40 books. How did he have time to read 40 books? I was unemployed for most of 2008 and I didn't read 40 books. This is man, known for his lack of reading, being praised by Karl Rove as a bookworm. I’m a bookworm and this made me think. In the past few years, I have kept a list of how many books I read in a year. So on January 7, 2009, I made a resolution to read as many books as possible and why I chose those books in 2009. I have read six books since that day. There is no set criteria for what books I pick out. I read what I want to read. In addition, I have talked about magazines I like and libraries I attend. It has turned into quite a little hobby. So I decided to keep track of my reading here. In addition, I also read a lot to my son. We read about three to five children’s books a day together. He also loves to "read" to me. The boy has got s...

It may be cool and windy but the beach is amazing. I think maybe this was just the distraction needed. It has been nice. It is spring break time so the motel is full of college students. It's really nice. I am thankful that I am at a good place in my life. For the first time in almost a year, I feel positive. I have plans and goals. I can see the future. I want to say a big THANK YOU to my friend Tracy. Without her, I would have never found out about the study. I want to be a recovering anorexic. I will never be fully free but I want to free enough to tell Ana where she can go. I think now I will go for a walk on the beach.

I am in Myrtle Beach. Chapel Hill went very well yesterday. So well that my husband suggested we go to the beach for a day or so. You could have knock me over with a feather. We had a nice drive down (2 1/2 hours) and stop for lunch at a Chinese buffet. It was a little rough in the beginning. I have found now since I am eating more that if I wait too long to eat and then eat too much, it will make me sick. No binging or purging. My stomach isn't used to food. My therapist said this is why I must eat on a schedule three times a day with two snacks. Something most people do. Hey, I'm trying. Anyway, I did pretty good. And get this, I ate broccoli. We are here. It is very windy but we can look out the patio door and see the beach. How cool is that!

My husband and I are in Chapel Hill. We arrived early. I drove because I didn't want to hear him complain the whole way about traffic and the road conditions. Now he's a little disgruntled about paying for parking. Some days I wonder why. I love him but some days I wonder. I am excited about meeting my psychologist. And then for two hours of couple's therapy. This will be the fun part of the day. I haven't heard anything from High Point yet. The city editor said they hoped to have a decision made by the end of March or early April. So I am praying and hoping hard. The weather is still great. This made the walk from the parking deck so much easier.

It has been such nice weather that I decided to do some Spring Cleaning. I have never really done this in the past. But what I did today gave me a since of accomplishment. Tomorrow is Chapel Hill day. My husband and I have talked more in the past few days than in weeks. But Chapel Hill has not come up. I have made peace with the fact that I may have to leave the study. He hasn't said much but he did say how he would need to decompress afterwards. I am looking forward to it. I am ready. My favorite tv show is Lost. Unfortunately, it a repeat tomorrow night. This is my form of decompressing. I haven't heard anything on the job front yet but I am still hopeful.

One of the things I love about Sundays is the fact there are more classified ads in the newspaper. It gives me some hope for the week. For now, my job search is my job. Everyday, I am up by 10:45 a.m. so I can eat breakfast and watch the View. Well at least 20 minutes of the View. Then I get ready and face the day. I have spend most of my unemployment taking care of my mother. This was one of the pluses. I would have never been able to spend time with her and my son. This is time that will always mean a lot to me. So I thank Barry M. for firing me because of the time I have spent with my family. It was also time for me face the fact I have an eating disorder. This time has made me stronger and more prepared when I do find a job. Today is my mother's birthday. She said she is having a great day. She is a work and working means she healthy so she is very happy. I will not give her age because it would not please her. My mom rocks! Now I must go and find a Spiderman book. In addition...

The weather is so nice outside. I am excited about my mother's birthday on Monday. She has come a long way in a year. She is my hero. After being diagnosed with stage four breast cancer, she continues to work. 2008 was hard year for her but she was never negative and got up every day. She is my hero and inspiration. If she can do it, I can work on a better future for myself. She gives me hope. Well enough computer stuff, It's time to hit the great outdoors. Have a good weekend.

Yesterday, for probably the first time in a looooong time, I had three meals. Usually, I have a snack in the morning and see how long I can go before I eat in the day time. And sometimes I eat dinner and most times not. So I feel really good about yesterday. Plus, I didn't freak out internally about eating. I will take it one meal at a time. Like they say, Rome wasn't build in a day. I have started freelancing for a local newspaper and I have an interview to do in 15 minutes. I feel pretty positive about things now.

Today was a good day. I spent it with my son.

I have a mistress. She is strong and persuasive. She is the only thing in this world that truly frightens my husband. I have virtually stopped eating. I eat enough so that I still have a period and can keep people off my back. Maybe secretly, I want to starve myself to death and not have to deal with anything anymore. (July 18, 2008) Her name is Ana--short for anorexia. The National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorder estimates there are eight million people in this country who suffer from anorexia or another type of eating disorder. I am one of those people. My complicated relationship with Ana reached its breaking point when I was led out of a hospital in handcuffs and leg shackles. Technically, I had done nothing illegal to warrant all of the hardware. But when I walked into the emergency room and informed the nurse on duty that I wanted to kill myself, there are certain procedures a hospital must follow. Ana is all about control. In the beginning, I thought I co...

Today has been a really good day. I ate breakfast and a semi-lunch. I had a bowl of cereal and some leftover chicken. This was all before noon. Usually, I try to hold out as long as possible (2 p.m.) before I eat. I feel really positive about my life right now. Even if things don't go the way I want them, I know everything will be okay. I am sorry if my posts seem sporadic but I don't have Internet at home. Plus, this is a way that I have to get up each day instead of wallowing in self-pity and doubt. As for the job interview yesterday, I think it went really well. I am one of five up for the position of reporter for Randolph county. It will be a lot of responsibility but I think I am ready for it. It will mean moving away from my son and my husband. One of the things I need right now is health insurance. After years of punishing my body, who knows what health problems lurk. And I have a scary history of cancer on my mother's side of the family so I need to be prepared. Now...

The story of my relationship with Ana is a long one so I am going to write it in readable chunks for you. The parts in italic are from my journal. I have kept a journal for about 12 years so my struggles are well documented. I am not sure how to answer all the nice people who have left comments. So I will say it here. Thank you! After a pretty rough week, it's nice to hear something nice. Thanks a bunch. Ana and I (part 1) I have a mistress. She is strong and persuasive. She is the only thing in this world that truly frightens my husband. I have virtually stopped eating. I eat enough so that I still have a period and can keep people off my back. Maybe secretly, I want to starve myself to death and not have to deal with anything anymore. (July18, 2008) Her name is Ana--short for anorexia. The National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorder estimates there are eight million people in this country who suffer from anorexia or another type of eating disorder. I am one...

I think the interview went well. It was rough. It was first time a newspaper sent me out to do interviewsand write a story. It was hard but I did it. I am a shy person so going up to strangers was scary especially when the first 12 turn you down. But it was worth it because I looooooove writing. I am keeping my fingers crossed on this. This is the 126th job that I have applied for since I became unemployed almost a year ago. And out of this number, I have had seven interviews. The 126 number includes all types of jobs ranging for journalism to adminstration to retail. So I am cautiously optimist.

It has happened. And it was done through a text message last night. My husband has decided we are no longer participating in the study. He knew in the beginning this would be every week thing to Chapel Hill. He claims it’s because he doesn’t want both of us away from James Edward and that my car is on its last legs. Maybe so but I believe it is because someone doesn’t want to do couples’ therapy. He sent the text at a little bit before 9 p.m. By the way, this is a shitty way to tell someone. Speaking your mind has never stopped you before in the past. Why start texting now? My husband is an ASSHOLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! There I said it. I have only communicated through text because I am furious. I mean it knew it was coming. I had been expecting it all day. My husband can help everyone else in the world. This is one of the best opportunities for an anorexic. Things like this just don’t happen. This happened for a reason. Well this morning he called the therapist. She offered a compromise of ev...

I had lunch with the editor that I am freelancing for right now. It is a nice lunch. I felt like I was back in the world again. I miss writing full-time for a newspaper. For over an hour, I felt like a normal person. I also ate without thinking about it. This was very good. Tomorrow is the study in Chapel Hill. I am going to get as much as I can from the experience because I know my husband will end this soon. The couples portion of this is bothering. I still think a tank of gas is a small price to pay for help someone overcome an eating disorder. But hey what do I know.

My therapist in the study wanted me to keep a food journal for the past two weeks. After looking at the entries, I realize I don't eat much at all. I probably consume 1,000 calories or less a day. This is scary especially when you have an active three-year-old. If anything, the journal has shamed me into eating more so it will not look so bad with my therapist. Even though, my husband seems to be against participating in the study. I will put my all in it for as long as possible. My husband isn't a bad person but he feels I can get just as good care by going sliding scale at this place in Charlotte. What I don't understand is how a person would want to turn free care for the cost of a tank of gas and a meal.

Last night, it was blizzard like conditions. It was so nice seeing all the snow coming down. It was beautiful. Today, it is leaving us. This is South where it snows one day and is gone the next. But all this melting will make it interesting tonight when it freezes. I have a job interview on Thursday at a newspaper. Yay for me! I hope I get this job. I have stop counting the number of jobs that I have applied for and had interviews. It is so frustrating being unemployed. One day, my time will come. My husband is still harping on how much money will be spent on us participating in the eating disorder study. He doesn't want to participate but is using everything in the book to get out of it.

We need the rain but it has rained so much. And a snow is expected later this afternoon. I am prepared with food and tons of books to read. The last few days have been hectic. Last night, I went out to dinner with my husband and some friends to Logan's. I did pretty good with the meal . Even though, I hate to eat with others. But I tried not let it get to me. In keeping the food diary, I have found that I really don't eat that much. It is kind of scary.