Sunday, January 30, 2011

Heart Still Beats

I have had a pretty good week. I am relaxing on the couch after spending the day in Rocky Mount. RR is great but doesn't have bookstore, a Target or a Goodwill. If I want those three, I  have to leave. Today, I went to Rocky Mount.

My first stop on little adventure was Books-A-Million. It was nice to have a red velvet cupcake, a cup of hot chocolate and a book. I soaked it all in and love it. My next stop was Target. I spent an hour and half in there and didn't buy a thing. I miss that store.

The last stop was at the Goodwill. I brought five dresses as a reward (more on that in a few). And a cute pair of red pumps. The real purpose for going to Rocky Mount was to take pictures for a magazine article I am writing about the children's museum. I had a great time but wish JJ was there. The exhibit was on dinosaurs. They moved and made sounds. It was so cool. I have added it to the list of places that I plan to take him when he comes to RR for a visit in a few weeks.

Back to giving myself a reward. I had therapy session on Thursday. It was very productive. At the end was the monthly weight check. Since I have started seeing Dr. M, I have turned my back so I wouldn't see the numbers. Numbers stress me which can lead to restricting. I have been doing pretty so I decided to find out the number. I am at 126 pounds. This is the most that I have weighed in my life. I did a happy dance in Dr. M's office. Dr. M told me that he was proud of me. When I first started therapy, he was worried about my weight, my depression and my ED.

Dr. M also gave me the greenlight to take water aerobics. I am comfortable with the numbers and the fact I am doing well. With the new requirements of my job, I need to be healthy and on my game.


Daily Dose


1. Feeling comfortable inside my skin.


2. Being comfortable enough to wear dresses.


3. Red velvet cupcakes are AWESOME.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Today was a fairytale

Today has been the most awesome day. I was named the employee of the year for my newspaper. I am shocked. I am speechless.

Me and my award
Once I got the news, the plaque and the congratulations, I picked up the phone. I wanted to call my mom. Even though, she's not here. She knows. And I think she is very proud of me.  This is why recovery is so important to me.  2010Actually, yesterday was the most awesome day. I was named the employee of the year for my newspaper. I am still shocked and just amazed.

For the last few months, I feel like I have been struggling. I had D take a picture of me with the plaque today. The plaque is nice and shiny.

Once I got the news, the plaque and the congratulations, I picked up the phone. I wanted to call my mom. Even though she's not here, I think she is very proud of me.  This is why recovery is so important to me.  I can't do this job at half capacity.

I have always felt I was send to RR for a reason. For the first time in a long time, I feel like I belong.

So how did I celebrate my big win. I brought some cool wine glasses with black stems. I toasted myself with citrus punch, chicken alfredo and a cupcake. Not a bad way to spend a Tuesday.

Daily Dose

1. I am the employee of the year. OMG!

2. I didn’t cringed when I looked in the mirror this morning.

Put a dent in the Ryan’s buffet.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

We Are Who We Are

 In order to get a three day weekend, I worked hard. Was it worth it?  I got my hair cut in a bob, did laundry and went grocery shopping. It ws nice. D was given three huge garbage bags for her daughters. After going through them, they gave them to me to see if there was any thing for me.

While looking, I had a small moment. A lot of the clothes were a size 0. A lot of people think I am a size 0. I was when I first came to RR. But thanks to medication and a good therapist, I am size three or four. Sometimes that unnerves me but most of the time I am proud. I look healthy and not scary sick.  But back to the clothes.

There are three huge garbage bags of clothing, shoes and belts. I am giddy with excitement. Those that don't fit will be donate to a lady I did story on recently. She runs an unofficial clothes closet out of her home. I think this is AWESOME. So I want to do my part and help out.

My three day weekend was spend on the couch with tons of magazines and Buffy the Vampire Slayer marathon on Saturday and CSI NY today. It was three days of pure laziness. I haven't done anything productive. But I am happy.

Daily Dose

1. Cooking dinner.

2. Relaxing before another week

3. Being able to give back.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Alive and Kicking

I woke up feeling refreshed and recharged. I had Monday off from work. I didn’t get out of bed until about 2 p.m.  I did some unpacking.

I haven’t been as diligent as I should so there are boxes in the kitchen and tons in the spare bedroom. It is so sad that I have so many clothes that I am not missing the ones still packed.

I got the news yesterday that the man who hired me at my current paper died on Friday. I will always be grateful to him for taking a chance on a shy girl with only weekly newspaper experience. Without him, I don’t think I would have made it to the big time.

I talked with JJ’s father last night. We are continuing to be on more friendly tones with one another. His mother is nearing the last stages of lung cancer so things are tense and sad with the family. I know what he is going through so I am trying to be there for him and JJ.

I love answering surveys and I saw this one on someone’s blog so I decided to do it. This is in place of the Daily Dose.

Four Words/Phrases I Use Too Much

1). Whatever!

2).  Sweet!

3). So let me get this straight!

4).  I don’t think so!

Four of My Passions

1).  Newspapers-- I love reading if they are five years old. I am a fan of the written word on newsprint.

2). Music:  Life would be so empty if there was no music to listen while cleaning, cooking or just driving the car.

3). Orange soda

4). Writing—It is my life.


Four Things You’d Discover Upon Meeting Me in Person


1).  Even though I am a reporter, I am really shy.

2). That I love heels.

3). The doors are dented on my car.

4). I am tiny. I am only 5 feet 2 inches.


Four Things I’ve Learned From the Past

1).  It is better to have three good friends than five crappy ones.

2).  It’s okay to break my rules.

3).  Just because they are family, you don’t have to like them.

4).  Sometimes you have to step out of your comfort zone.

Four Favorite Foods

1)  Chicken salad (especially from Elias’)

2)  Fish sticks

3) Golden Graham chocolate marshallow treats

4)  Mandarin chicken

Four TV Shows I Love

1)  Grey’s Anatomy

2)  Law and Order

3)  Top Chef

4)  Hoarders


Four Things I Love about Winter

1). Being able to wear cool sweaters

2). Cool tights

3). Seeing it snow

4). Being able to breathe in the cold air on a cold morning

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Sweet Emotion

Today was a good day. I am tired as hell but it was good. I wrote four stories. Two made the front page and look awesome with the photos I took.  I will sleep good tonight.

My living room finally looks like a living room. There are still boxes in the kitchen, spare bedroom and the hall but the living room is open for guests. At this store that sells all kinds of odds and ends, I found two black swivel bar stools so now I can eat the bar instead on the couch. My little adobe is coming together. For the first time in a long time I feel like an adult. 

To celebrate, I did a happy dance in my living room to "In My House" by the Mary Jane Girls. 

Tomorrow will be a fun day. I am headed to Colonial Heights, Virginia to visit Books-a-Million and Target. I just want to remember what it is like having those in the same city I live in. Plus, I get to have a red velvet cupcake. In the afternoon, I will go see D's daughter in a theater production. And that evening will be the Golden Globes. I love award shows.

And EDwise, things went pretty well. I covered an event where hot dogs were served. I have picky about hotdogs. I don't like red ones but around here that is what is served at events. Hot dogs should not be red. The president of the group that sponsored the event was so nice. So I ate it without thinking about what it meant. Still don't like red hot dogs. It was still a good day.

Daily Dose

1. Texting pictures to my son and him texting pictures back.

2. Having a clean living room.

3. Figuring out how to hook up a dvd player to a tv with cable on it. It took more than a hour but I did it. Made watching "Remember Me" even more sweeter.

Monday, January 10, 2011

The Dog Days are Gone

We are bracing for a snow and ice event here. I hit the grocery store yesterday so I have bread and milk. The milk is to make blueberry muffins. I am starting to recover my inner chef. Before ED took over my life, I wanted to be a chef and own my own restaurant.  If things had went according to plan, I would be have probably had my own cooking show.


Since moving into my own place, I have made homemade sloppy joes and spaghetti. I’ll have to remember to take some pictures to share of my culinary fun.

I had a great weekend. I went to D’s house at the Lake. We sat around and talked. And since I was off my medication. I had a few drinks. (I am now officially back on the meds.) She doesn’t have cable but she had this channel that shows all kinds of music videos from the 50s to today. It was nice to see Wang Chung along with Katy Perry and Weezer. It was nice to veg out and have some fun.

At one point, I ate a bowl of chicken and rice. I didn’t think about it. I just ate. There was no analyzing or calculating. I just ate while we were talking at the dining room table. I was so proud of myself. 

Right now, I am taking a break at work before finding out which schools are closing early. It is very cold outside so I know something involving precipitation will happen. My normal eight minute commute will probably turn into 15 minutes tomorrow. Since I live close to the newspaper, I am expected to be at work. No snow day for the weary.

Daily Dose
1. Being a Food Network chef in my own mind.
2. Getting texts from JJ.
3. Letting go some of my food rules.

Friday, January 7, 2011

Say You'll Haunt Me

I have been on medication for about two months. I can see and feel the difference. My attitude has improved but my body issues are in high gear.

ED has returned. She constantly whispers. Today for the first time in a month, I skipped breakfast and lunch.

I have curves and look pretty good. My friends tell me I no longer look frail or fragile. But to me,  I am fat and hideous. I hate my clothes are snugged.  I have been avoiding mirrors.

Last week, my prescription ran out and needed to be refilled. The script is still in my purse. I have thought about tearing it up. But this week, I have been a roller coaster of emotions. I believe I am one of those people who need something  to regulate them. I am on the road to health but I am so scared because I take comfort in being thin and in control. The medication makes me hungry all of the time. But it helps with the depression and ED's whisperings.

I am 37 years old and there is only so much more my body can take now. I have so much to aspire for but I am allowing ED to whisper. I am trying hard to resist. I hate change but this is not just a change but a choice to live and enjoy life. I am starting to have a life. Plus, there are so many things I want to do with JJ. So tomorrow, I will refill my prescription and continue to live in the now. And not be a deathly ill girl of the past.
But I am scared one day, I will give into ED completely. So I will take it one meal at a time and not stress about it.

Daily Dose

1. My newspaper is starting a women's magazine.

2. Dodged the bullet for a snow storm Saturday.

3. Going to crash and D's house at the lake and get my head together.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

New Year, New Horizons

This is the fourth day of the new year and I feel awesome. I had an exciting and peaceful weekend.

I went to a party on New Year's Eve. The first time in a long time. I had a pretty good time. I got all dressed up and even put on lipstick and curled my hair. Before attending the party in pickleland, I worked about 10 hours, showered and got ready and then drove 2 hours to the party. It was nice to be around others.

Here I am enjoying the party after midnight. I can be quite social when I put my mind to it.

On the first day of 2011, I did what I do best--being reporter girl. I wrote a touching story on a little girl named Emma, who is about to turn one with trisomy 13. Trisomy 13 is a chromosome disorder rarer than Down Syndrome.  She has an extra 13th chromosome in every cell in her body. Most babies with severe chromosome abnormalities die before birth.When she was born, she was given two days to live by doctors. But she has shown them. She has developmentally delayed. Emma is my new hero. This little girl has defied the odds and will continue. I feel so blessed to have met her and her family and honored to be able tell her story. She turns one on Wednesday. I think I will blown out a candle for her.

I have written a lot of stories in my career but I am very proud of this one. I wish my mom could read it. My editor and design editor said it made them cry. I just wanted to make sure I told Emma's story properly.

I also wrote about a man shooting at two police officers. I don't like writing about crime. It's not my cup of tea but it was my weekend to work. After work, I vegged out on the couch.

On Sunday, I was Silly Girl on a mission--to find a New York Times for my boss and a Books-a-Million for me. I found both. BOM has the most awesome red velvet cupcakes. They are not cheap but are so worth it. After this, I headed to the BEST Goodwill store ever. I found tons of stuff. Plus a pair of black pumps that are gorgeous. I need to take some pictures of my shoe collection. It is the envy of most at work. After shopping, I headed home to watch The Stand on the Syfy channel.

I read the book in high school. It was the beginning of my lifelong affair with Stephen King. The man is a genius. I don't like everything he writes but 98% of it I have read. The miniseries is top notch.

In lieu of my Daily Dose, I give you my 11 things to do 2011:

1. Have JJ visit me in RR.

2. Get a story published in a magazine (not owned by my newspaper).

3. Volunteer with Habitat for Humanity

4. Learn to swim.

5. Have a housewarming party in my new apartment.

6. Conquer my fear of swimming.

7. Attend church on a regular basis.

8. Be a better friend.

9.Attend a concert.

10. Enter the NC Press Association News, Editorial and Photojournalism contest

11. Continue on the path to being ED free.

My home library is complete!!!!!

  I write a book column for Duplin Times in Kenansville, N.C. called the Book Nerd. This is my May column, which is about me finally comple...