Friday, August 29, 2014

I Don't Care but I do care somewhat


There is a cartoon that my son likes called “Adventure Time.” It is crazy weird.
Recently, there was an episode where a girl didn’t let anything affect her. She simply said—“I don’t care.”
All of my life, the problem has been I care. Sometimes way to much.
I will admit I don't care as much as I should lately. My objective for the last two weeks has been simple—just getting through the day so I can make home and back to the couch.
My depression has reached a new low—“I don’t care.” 
Some days, I just want to sleep because it is all I can handle.
I am not at a point where hospitalization is needed but I know I need  help. So I did some heavy duty googling of various therapists in the area.
Apparently, I am not the only person with problems. It is hard to get a therapy appointment around here.
I am deeply depressed but have no intentions of doing anything. Plus, if intentions are voiced, it is hello psych ward! There is too much at stake with my job and life. After several phone calls, I was able to get an appointment with a therapist on Sept. 10. It was the earliest I could fine in a three-county area. Plus, they were willing to be put me on the list to call if there were cancellations.
I care enough to know something is wrong with me. I am tired of feeling this way. I am a reporter in my dream job and live in my dream town. And I want to enjoy it.
So I am doing something about it. If it means going back on meds, then I go back on meds. Without a scale, I know I have lost weigh.
I have started hiding out at work so I can avoid friends who dropped by my apartment.
I just feel so lost and alone. I wish more than anything that I could call my mom. Her combination of tough love and warm and fuzzy would help me.
I  miss her so much that my heart hurts. I know how much I miss her which is why I would never do anything. I don’t want JJ to feel this way over a decision I made. Cancer is one thing but suicide is completely another.
I have been feeling like crap for the last couple of days. Honestly, I don't know if I am sick or what. I stayed home Thursday and slept most of the day. I did get out of bed to take cold meds, eat chili and watch "The A-Team." 
Today, I am back at work because I have a ton of stories to write for next week's newspaper. And being a reporter means that Labor Day is not a holiday for me. It just means there will be no school buses or tractors on the road Monday. I wish I was home in bed.

DAILY DOSE
1. Chili from Wendy's
2. Tropicana Orange Juice
3. It's Friday!!

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Revisiting my goals for 2014


In January, I set 13 goals for myself in 2014. I decided to check in at the seventh month mark to see how things are going. It has been an interesting year so far with several snow storms, getting a new job, moving to a new town and being jerked out my comfort zone. But that's life.
Relaxing in the book nook area of my apartment!

Goals for 2014
  • I will have some articles published in a magazine.
The newspaper I work for is creating a magazine for Southeastern North Carolina. So this goal will be achieved by the end of the year.
  • Instead of constantly complaining about the issues at my current job, I will be part of the solution to help make things better.
I did something. I celebrated my five month anniversary with the Duplin Times yesterday. 
  • I will be more sociable.
This is will always be a work-in-progress. I am a people person for my job but it gets kind of iffy when I don't have the notebook with me.
  • 4. Learn how to swim.
I am going to have to make more of an effort to achieve this.
  • 5. I will try one new thing each month.
With the new job and moving, the new thing has been finding new places.
  • 6. I will go on an overnight road trip with my son.
Since returning to Mount Olive, my son has visited me twice here. This is a big deal.
  • 7. I will come up with a plan to fix my teeth.
I have found a place that accepts my insurance and is reasonable. Maybe by 2017, my smile will be back.
  • 8. I will continue to work on my relationship with God.
I read a morning devotional most mornings before I leave my apartment. I have recently started reading a nightly devotional before bed. My next step is to find a church.
  • 9. I will make sure friends and family get copies of the photos I have of them from their younger days.
No progress has been made on this.
  • 10. I will go through the clutter in the spare bedroom and apartment.
I moved from RR. Most of the clutter is in boxes at M's house in RR. 
  • 11. I want to write more.
I have been writing more in my journal.
  • 12. I want to get my finances in order.
This is a continous work in progress.
  • 13. I will continue to work toward an ED-free life.
I have found myself restricting more and more. Not a lot where I have to be hospitalized but I have lost some weight. Hopefully, my doctor's appointment tomorrow will help.
The last seven months have been hectic and chaotic but I am slowly starting to find a balance. I just have to keep moving forward.

DAILY DOSE
1. It is okay to have a cup of coffee and a creme filled chocolate cupcake for breakfast.
2. My life may not be perfect but at least I am not worried that militant faction will destroy my home and town.
3. Rest in peace Robin Williams. 

Spending time with my son

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