Friday, August 29, 2014

I Don't Care but I do care somewhat

There is a cartoon that my son likes called “Adventure Time.” It is crazy weird.
Recently, there was an episode where a girl didn’t let anything affect her. She simply said—“I don’t care.”
All of my life, the problem has been I care. Sometimes way to much.
I will admit I don't care as much as I should lately. My objective for the last two weeks has been simple—just getting through the day so I can make home and back to the couch.
My depression has reached a new low—“I don’t care.” 
Some days, I just want to sleep because it is all I can handle.
I am not at a point where hospitalization is needed but I know I need  help. So I did some heavy duty googling of various therapists in the area.
Apparently, I am not the only person with problems. It is hard to get a therapy appointment around here.
I am deeply depressed but have no intentions of doing anything. Plus, if intentions are voiced, it is hello psych ward! There is too much at stake with my job and life. After several phone calls, I was able to get an appointment with a therapist on Sept. 10. It was the earliest I could fine in a three-county area. Plus, they were willing to be put me on the list to call if there were cancellations.
I care enough to know something is wrong with me. I am tired of feeling this way. I am a reporter in my dream job and live in my dream town. And I want to enjoy it.
So I am doing something about it. If it means going back on meds, then I go back on meds. Without a scale, I know I have lost weigh.
I have started hiding out at work so I can avoid friends who dropped by my apartment.
I just feel so lost and alone. I wish more than anything that I could call my mom. Her combination of tough love and warm and fuzzy would help me.
I  miss her so much that my heart hurts. I know how much I miss her which is why I would never do anything. I don’t want JJ to feel this way over a decision I made. Cancer is one thing but suicide is completely another.
I have been feeling like crap for the last couple of days. Honestly, I don't know if I am sick or what. I stayed home Thursday and slept most of the day. I did get out of bed to take cold meds, eat chili and watch "The A-Team." 
Today, I am back at work because I have a ton of stories to write for next week's newspaper. And being a reporter means that Labor Day is not a holiday for me. It just means there will be no school buses or tractors on the road Monday. I wish I was home in bed.

1. Chili from Wendy's
2. Tropicana Orange Juice
3. It's Friday!!


  1. So sorry you are feeling so down but I'm so glad you are doing something about it. Depression is just awful. I've been there. When you are on the other side of it you realize just how much you are missing out on. You will get through this!!

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