Skip to main content

I Don't Care but I do care somewhat


There is a cartoon that my son likes called “Adventure Time.” It is crazy weird.
Recently, there was an episode where a girl didn’t let anything affect her. She simply said—“I don’t care.”
All of my life, the problem has been I care. Sometimes way to much.
I will admit I don't care as much as I should lately. My objective for the last two weeks has been simple—just getting through the day so I can make home and back to the couch.
My depression has reached a new low—“I don’t care.” 
Some days, I just want to sleep because it is all I can handle.
I am not at a point where hospitalization is needed but I know I need  help. So I did some heavy duty googling of various therapists in the area.
Apparently, I am not the only person with problems. It is hard to get a therapy appointment around here.
I am deeply depressed but have no intentions of doing anything. Plus, if intentions are voiced, it is hello psych ward! There is too much at stake with my job and life. After several phone calls, I was able to get an appointment with a therapist on Sept. 10. It was the earliest I could fine in a three-county area. Plus, they were willing to be put me on the list to call if there were cancellations.
I care enough to know something is wrong with me. I am tired of feeling this way. I am a reporter in my dream job and live in my dream town. And I want to enjoy it.
So I am doing something about it. If it means going back on meds, then I go back on meds. Without a scale, I know I have lost weigh.
I have started hiding out at work so I can avoid friends who dropped by my apartment.
I just feel so lost and alone. I wish more than anything that I could call my mom. Her combination of tough love and warm and fuzzy would help me.
I  miss her so much that my heart hurts. I know how much I miss her which is why I would never do anything. I don’t want JJ to feel this way over a decision I made. Cancer is one thing but suicide is completely another.
I have been feeling like crap for the last couple of days. Honestly, I don't know if I am sick or what. I stayed home Thursday and slept most of the day. I did get out of bed to take cold meds, eat chili and watch "The A-Team." 
Today, I am back at work because I have a ton of stories to write for next week's newspaper. And being a reporter means that Labor Day is not a holiday for me. It just means there will be no school buses or tractors on the road Monday. I wish I was home in bed.

DAILY DOSE
1. Chili from Wendy's
2. Tropicana Orange Juice
3. It's Friday!!

Comments

  1. So sorry you are feeling so down but I'm so glad you are doing something about it. Depression is just awful. I've been there. When you are on the other side of it you realize just how much you are missing out on. You will get through this!!

    ReplyDelete
  2. We are generally i am sorry to create you hesitate so very long, however following practically several years in Tengami currently and even keep focusing

    on the idea until finally we're feeling it is ready."Tengami is improvement regarding iOS, in which it will likely be unveiled initial, and also Wii You, Windows and mac

    Personal computer, where it's going to be launched "shortly following.


    Buy Runescape Gold

    Cheap Runescape Gold

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Stopping ED from gaining

One of the hardest things I had to ever do was to explain my ED to my 11-year-old son. His father had talked to him about it, which I have an issue with  because it is my story and not his. But I have tried to move beyond that.

Anyway, a few weeks I talked to him about it and explained it as best I could. I told him how he is my inspiration to stay in recovery. I know he needs his mom to be healthy to help handle growing up.
One thing I told him was that my relationship with food is not like his relationship. And there will always be a struggle for me. I take it one meal at a time.
I kept all of this in mind when I went to the doctor yesterday to ask for help. In the past three months, my appetite has disappeared. I eat because I don’t want to pass out or to be hospitalized. It hasn’t been easy. I could have let ED win when I realized what was happening. I have only lost 11 pounds. To some this is not much weight but to me it is.
The old me would have been happy about it. The recovering…

Spending time with my son

Memorial Day is always special for me as a reporter and a person. It is a chance to recognize who gave their life so I and others can have the freedom we have. 
Normally, I work and get to take Memorial Day holiday on another day. This year, I got a double bonus. 




I got to spend the long weekend with my son. Things some how worked that my son’s aunt met me halfway and JJ was able to spend three days in Pickle Land with me. He had a chance to see me working and spend quality time together.

JJ is now 11. He is squarely in the pre-teen world. His voice is changing along with other things. My baby is growing up and it scares me. He got to see my new teeth and loved them. He said it was nice to see me so happy. 
We had a chance to talk and just spend some time together. And in two weeks, he returns for a two week involving my week long vacation and a bunch of day camps. It has been a good few days.
The other part is my Memorial Day weekend is this weekend. I'm going to the Lake to hang with…

Adventures at Librari-Con with Samurai Batman

Recently, JJ and I made our second journey to the 11th annual Librari-Con at the Cumberland County Public Library in Fayetteville.  This is an annual anime/graphic novel/sci-fi mini convention that featured anime viewing, panels forums, Artist Alley, Cosplay Runway and more.
What made this event super awesome was the fact that the library was opened at the same time of the event.
For a year, JJ had talked about having a costume after not being able to wear one last year. He was a Samurai Batman.
Apparently, JJ had a growth spurt in the last few weeks so there was struggle getting him into his costume, but a little pulling, binder clips and prayer got the costume on him.

I decided to go as my favorite thing – a mother/photographer/bodyguard/book nerd wearing a Wonder Woman shirt.
JJ decided to add his own special touch to it with a trident and a Flash mask for me. I’m not sure what I was supposed to have been but I played along until lunchtime.
For the first hour, he played free video game…