Friday, January 13, 2012

Stopping a downward spiral

In the past, my birthday has always been a trigger for me to relapse or get anxious. But for the past two years, my birthday has been my birthday. A day to celebrate my birth. 

Around Thanksgiving, I started feeling different. December was just a month of misery. I now realize that my meds had stopped working. So here I stand at a crossroad--I can increase the dosage and continue on my merry way or not. Remeron not only stabilizes my mood but gives me an appetite. 

I haven't had one since Thanksgiving. I eat based on time. If it is 7:15 a.m., it is breakfast. By noon, I must eat lunch and dinner between 6 and 7 p.m. If I increased the dosage, the appetite comes back for awhile  but I will gain more weight. This is why I was taking Seroquel to help with anxiety.  I don't think there is a enough Seroquel in the world to deal with my anxiety.

And while my therapist is being helpful, he admitted this is beyond him. So we are looking for a therapist outside of the area who can help me. This means I will probably be traveling to Virginia. Something needs to be done. My apartment is looks like my mind--cluttered and messy. But the kitchen is spotless and the trash is taken out because I am not filthy. But the mirrors are covered and my closet is almost empty. Each morning, I try on clothes and freak out. This has resulted in piles of clothes in my bedroom, hallway and living room. 

It is interesting that I  have managed to keep it together at work. I give the illusion that I am this  reporter who knows what she is doing. But in reality, I just want to go back to bed. On my phone are tons of messages and texts from friends that I just don't have the energy to answer. There is no intention of hurting myself. But my hobby of the last few weeks has been sleeping. Most nights, depending on when I get home, I am in bed. My beautiful bed has become my oasis. Cocooned in my comforter and blanket, I feel like nothing can touch me. I dread when the alarm goes off at 6:45 a.m. This means I must leave the safety of the bed and deal with life.

But do you know what made me really realize I need to do something and something fast. I have been ignoring my stomach growling. I was content to be hungry. This is not good. I have a phone consultation with the possible new therapist today. Other signs include not wanting to eat with my friends, being obsessed with cooking shows (they take the place of eating) and just not caring. No one else knows these feelings. My friends sense something is wrong. 

I have too much at stake for this downward spiral to continue. So today I am starting the climb back up. 


  1. oh I'm sorry dear. anxiety can be the worst of the feelings sometimes, because no one can actually make you feel better, it's all up to you and your mind.
    why don't you try baby steps, one thing at a time. maybe go out for a lunch with a friend, since you would be already out of the house for work.
    it's nice to hear the work is all well :)

    don't hesitate if you need someone to talk to, take care!

  2. I'm sorry to hear you are slipping but at least you are aware of it and can do something about it. I can relate to the anxiety, hence my recent two day hospital admission for it. I hope your phone consultation goes well. Be gentle with yourself!

  3. It is great that you are seeing the signs and taking action before it gets out of hand. Hope you can figure it out and snap out of this phase in your life. Keep fighting.

  4. I'm sorry that you're going through a low period, but in a purely practical sense, I see nothing but good ahead. You are not in denial, and you already know that's the first step upward. The reduced sunlight of winter may be aggravating your anxiety - you might try a couple of extra-bright light bulbs around your favorite spot. Or (I'm not kidding) a couple of sessions in a tanning bed. It may help you stabilize while you're getting your therapy and meds together. Good luck!

  5. Oh, Jackie, I'm so sorry this is so hard for you! But I know you can climb out and continue in recovery. Please let me know if there is anything I can do.


  6. I hope things improve! I've had periods of anxiety that took away my appetite. I think low blood sugar might've been part of the problem. When blood sugar drops, the body puts out cortisol to try to bring it back up. But that also produces the fight or flight response.

    Anyway, perhaps a Naturopathic Physician can help sort things out.

  7. I am so sorry that you're going through hell right now, but I do think it's incredible that you can see that you're headed down and that you are actively stopping it. You are a strong woman and you can beat this!

  8. Sorry to hear about that. Positive vibes your way and be strong!

  9. I'm new to your blog but I just wanted to say that I'm happy you have chosen to help yourself. I'm sorry to hear about all of your anxiety, but I am sending lots of positive vibes out to the universe for you. It's amazing how we can keep up our acts, making the outside world believe what we want when we really are breaking down inside... sometimes that's a positive thing for me though.
    Love always


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