In the past, my birthday has always been a trigger for me to relapse or get anxious. But for the past two years, my birthday has been my birthday. A day to celebrate my birth.
Around Thanksgiving, I started feeling different. December was just a month of misery. I now realize that my meds had stopped working. So here I stand at a crossroad--I can increase the dosage and continue on my merry way or not. Remeron not only stabilizes my mood but gives me an appetite.
I haven't had one since Thanksgiving. I eat based on time. If it is 7:15 a.m., it is breakfast. By noon, I must eat lunch and dinner between 6 and 7 p.m. If I increased the dosage, the appetite comes back for awhile but I will gain more weight. This is why I was taking Seroquel to help with anxiety. I don't think there is a enough Seroquel in the world to deal with my anxiety.
And while my therapist is being helpful, he admitted this is beyond him. So we are looking for a therapist outside of the area who can help me. This means I will probably be traveling to Virginia. Something needs to be done. My apartment is looks like my mind--cluttered and messy. But the kitchen is spotless and the trash is taken out because I am not filthy. But the mirrors are covered and my closet is almost empty. Each morning, I try on clothes and freak out. This has resulted in piles of clothes in my bedroom, hallway and living room.
It is interesting that I have managed to keep it together at work. I give the illusion that I am this reporter who knows what she is doing. But in reality, I just want to go back to bed. On my phone are tons of messages and texts from friends that I just don't have the energy to answer. There is no intention of hurting myself. But my hobby of the last few weeks has been sleeping. Most nights, depending on when I get home, I am in bed. My beautiful bed has become my oasis. Cocooned in my comforter and blanket, I feel like nothing can touch me. I dread when the alarm goes off at 6:45 a.m. This means I must leave the safety of the bed and deal with life.
But do you know what made me really realize I need to do something and something fast. I have been ignoring my stomach growling. I was content to be hungry. This is not good. I have a phone consultation with the possible new therapist today. Other signs include not wanting to eat with my friends, being obsessed with cooking shows (they take the place of eating) and just not caring. No one else knows these feelings. My friends sense something is wrong.
I have too much at stake for this downward spiral to continue. So today I am starting the climb back up.