Skip to main content

Stopping a downward spiral

In the past, my birthday has always been a trigger for me to relapse or get anxious. But for the past two years, my birthday has been my birthday. A day to celebrate my birth. 

Around Thanksgiving, I started feeling different. December was just a month of misery. I now realize that my meds had stopped working. So here I stand at a crossroad--I can increase the dosage and continue on my merry way or not. Remeron not only stabilizes my mood but gives me an appetite. 

I haven't had one since Thanksgiving. I eat based on time. If it is 7:15 a.m., it is breakfast. By noon, I must eat lunch and dinner between 6 and 7 p.m. If I increased the dosage, the appetite comes back for awhile  but I will gain more weight. This is why I was taking Seroquel to help with anxiety.  I don't think there is a enough Seroquel in the world to deal with my anxiety.

And while my therapist is being helpful, he admitted this is beyond him. So we are looking for a therapist outside of the area who can help me. This means I will probably be traveling to Virginia. Something needs to be done. My apartment is looks like my mind--cluttered and messy. But the kitchen is spotless and the trash is taken out because I am not filthy. But the mirrors are covered and my closet is almost empty. Each morning, I try on clothes and freak out. This has resulted in piles of clothes in my bedroom, hallway and living room. 

It is interesting that I  have managed to keep it together at work. I give the illusion that I am this  reporter who knows what she is doing. But in reality, I just want to go back to bed. On my phone are tons of messages and texts from friends that I just don't have the energy to answer. There is no intention of hurting myself. But my hobby of the last few weeks has been sleeping. Most nights, depending on when I get home, I am in bed. My beautiful bed has become my oasis. Cocooned in my comforter and blanket, I feel like nothing can touch me. I dread when the alarm goes off at 6:45 a.m. This means I must leave the safety of the bed and deal with life.

But do you know what made me really realize I need to do something and something fast. I have been ignoring my stomach growling. I was content to be hungry. This is not good. I have a phone consultation with the possible new therapist today. Other signs include not wanting to eat with my friends, being obsessed with cooking shows (they take the place of eating) and just not caring. No one else knows these feelings. My friends sense something is wrong. 

I have too much at stake for this downward spiral to continue. So today I am starting the climb back up. 


  1. oh I'm sorry dear. anxiety can be the worst of the feelings sometimes, because no one can actually make you feel better, it's all up to you and your mind.
    why don't you try baby steps, one thing at a time. maybe go out for a lunch with a friend, since you would be already out of the house for work.
    it's nice to hear the work is all well :)

    don't hesitate if you need someone to talk to, take care!

  2. I'm sorry to hear you are slipping but at least you are aware of it and can do something about it. I can relate to the anxiety, hence my recent two day hospital admission for it. I hope your phone consultation goes well. Be gentle with yourself!

  3. It is great that you are seeing the signs and taking action before it gets out of hand. Hope you can figure it out and snap out of this phase in your life. Keep fighting.

  4. I'm sorry that you're going through a low period, but in a purely practical sense, I see nothing but good ahead. You are not in denial, and you already know that's the first step upward. The reduced sunlight of winter may be aggravating your anxiety - you might try a couple of extra-bright light bulbs around your favorite spot. Or (I'm not kidding) a couple of sessions in a tanning bed. It may help you stabilize while you're getting your therapy and meds together. Good luck!

  5. Oh, Jackie, I'm so sorry this is so hard for you! But I know you can climb out and continue in recovery. Please let me know if there is anything I can do.


  6. I hope things improve! I've had periods of anxiety that took away my appetite. I think low blood sugar might've been part of the problem. When blood sugar drops, the body puts out cortisol to try to bring it back up. But that also produces the fight or flight response.

    Anyway, perhaps a Naturopathic Physician can help sort things out.

  7. I am so sorry that you're going through hell right now, but I do think it's incredible that you can see that you're headed down and that you are actively stopping it. You are a strong woman and you can beat this!

  8. Sorry to hear about that. Positive vibes your way and be strong!

  9. I'm new to your blog but I just wanted to say that I'm happy you have chosen to help yourself. I'm sorry to hear about all of your anxiety, but I am sending lots of positive vibes out to the universe for you. It's amazing how we can keep up our acts, making the outside world believe what we want when we really are breaking down inside... sometimes that's a positive thing for me though.
    Love always


Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Spending time with my son

Memorial Day is always special for me as a reporter and a person. It is a chance to recognize who gave their life so I and others can have the freedom we have. 
Normally, I work and get to take Memorial Day holiday on another day. This year, I got a double bonus. 

I got to spend the long weekend with my son. Things some how worked that my son’s aunt met me halfway and JJ was able to spend three days in Pickle Land with me. He had a chance to see me working and spend quality time together.

JJ is now 11. He is squarely in the pre-teen world. His voice is changing along with other things. My baby is growing up and it scares me. He got to see my new teeth and loved them. He said it was nice to see me so happy. 
We had a chance to talk and just spend some time together. And in two weeks, he returns for a two week involving my week long vacation and a bunch of day camps. It has been a good few days.
The other part is my Memorial Day weekend is this weekend. I'm going to the Lake to hang with…

Stopping ED from gaining

One of the hardest things I had to ever do was to explain my ED to my 11-year-old son. His father had talked to him about it, which I have an issue with  because it is my story and not his. But I have tried to move beyond that.

Anyway, a few weeks I talked to him about it and explained it as best I could. I told him how he is my inspiration to stay in recovery. I know he needs his mom to be healthy to help handle growing up.
One thing I told him was that my relationship with food is not like his relationship. And there will always be a struggle for me. I take it one meal at a time.
I kept all of this in mind when I went to the doctor yesterday to ask for help. In the past three months, my appetite has disappeared. I eat because I don’t want to pass out or to be hospitalized. It hasn’t been easy. I could have let ED win when I realized what was happening. I have only lost 11 pounds. To some this is not much weight but to me it is.
The old me would have been happy about it. The recovering…

Adventures at Librari-Con with Samurai Batman

Recently, JJ and I made our second journey to the 11th annual Librari-Con at the Cumberland County Public Library in Fayetteville.  This is an annual anime/graphic novel/sci-fi mini convention that featured anime viewing, panels forums, Artist Alley, Cosplay Runway and more.
What made this event super awesome was the fact that the library was opened at the same time of the event.
For a year, JJ had talked about having a costume after not being able to wear one last year. He was a Samurai Batman.
Apparently, JJ had a growth spurt in the last few weeks so there was struggle getting him into his costume, but a little pulling, binder clips and prayer got the costume on him.

I decided to go as my favorite thing – a mother/photographer/bodyguard/book nerd wearing a Wonder Woman shirt.
JJ decided to add his own special touch to it with a trident and a Flash mask for me. I’m not sure what I was supposed to have been but I played along until lunchtime.
For the first hour, he played free video game…