Friday, May 29, 2009

Lovely Friday

After all the days of rain and thunderstorms, the sun is out. I just got through covering an economic summitt. It was interesting to hear people talk about what to do about unemployment and stuff but have no clue what it is like. But hopefully that will be over soon. I have an interview next week for two editor's jobs. One is 45 minutes from my house and the other is 2 hours. I am trying to keep all of my options open. And also remember that the unemployment will run out in about a month. I have been applying for jobs with a very open mind.

Last night, my hubby and I went out to this wing place with some friends of his. My hubby ordered 100 hot wings and ate about 60 something. His friend ate 10. I ordered 12 terakyi wings and french fries. I ate nine wings in one sitting. Usually I ate four or five. It stunned everyone because they figured I take the rest home. I had a nice time. I am trying to be more sociable. I find myself trying to isolate some days so I'm taking on more writing assignments and doing a little volunteering so I want stay at home. My hubby and his friends were surprised I came because they knew the spelling bee finals were on tv and I don't socialize. I'm just full of surprises.

On a sad note, I found Kat dead this morning. I think my hubby's friend must have accidentally ran over him when she left last night. When we go home, I went in and went to bed since I had to be up early for my freelance gig. My hubby said she feels just awful about what happen and told him to tell me that she is not a cat killer. Accidents happen. I really like that little kitten. We are not having much luck with cats. While preparing the lawn yesterday so I can cut it, next week--I found Hilbert. It looks like he had been attacked by a dog. I don't want our land to become a pet cemetery.

Daily Dose

1. Terakyi wings

2. Beautiful weather

3. Being able to start enjoying life

Thursday, May 28, 2009

A very interesting email

Last night, I received an interesting email from the editor of the newspaper that I freelance for.

His wife had written him an email about me-- "Also, editor JaJB came by with my real name's resume and asked, "Take a look at this and tell me if you know this person and if she would be a good candidate for any of the weekly jobs."
I took one look at it, and handed it back and said, "An excellent candidate."
And he said, "OK, that was easy." and walked away.

Sorry if we just stole your best reporter.
w.

And that, my friend, is love???"--said the editor.


I jumped up and down like I had just won some money on a game show after reading this. My hubby and son were watching tv in the living room. My son asked, "Mommy are you okay? Do we need to call someone?" I told him that mommy was just really happy.

I don't know what this means but maybe something good will happen. I am still applying for jobs. I am a ton of assignments lined up for this week and next. Since editor has been so great to me, I am covering a town government meeting and a county commissioner meeting. I am feeling good. I just looooove government meetings. And I get to take pictures at the graduation ceremony next weekend. So I am feeling decent. The new dosages are taking hold with me. Had a bowl of raisin bran for breakfast. So things are decent now for me. A big thanks to all of you for positive and kind words.

Also, I named the two orphan kittens--Kit and Kat. I love Kit Kat candy bars. So I am now the human mommy of Kit and Kat.

Daily Dose

1. Having people who believe in me!

2. Having the ability to tell my ED to go jump off of a cliff!

3. Scoring the latest magazines for 25 cents a piece at the library. The latest People Magazine, US Weekly and Good Housekeeping.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

My Life Long To-Do List

This is where I keep my ambitions, my desires and my goals--all in a neat little list. Some may be huge and others may seem insignificant but they are all the things I want to do in my lifetime.

CREATE
Be able to make enough money doing what I love and not having a "day" job.

Publish an article in a magazine.

Write a novel or memoir. Or both.

Being able to make a living freelancing.

Win a writing prize--I won honorable mention in the Carolina Woman essay contest in May of 2009.

TRAVEL
Attend the James Dean Festival.

Get a passport.

Take a vacation where all I do is lay on the beach and drink fruity "beach" drinks.
Go to Mardi Gras in New Orleans

Go on a cruise.

Spend New Years Eve in Las Vegas.

See the pyramids in Egypt.

Ride in a submarine.

Visit every state.

Drive cross country.

Run with the bulls in Spain (I don’t mind if I don’t go the whole distance.

Be welcomed with a lei as I arrive in Hawaii

Attend the Kentucky Derby.

BECAUSE I WANT TO....
Plan a wedding--This was some hard work but did it with the help of many friends.

Get married--I got married on March 27, 2004

Own a house--As of June 2008.

Complete my college degree.

Be able to truly be myself around other people and not give a damn what they think (I do this on a limited basis with close friends and the like - but most of the time I use those wonderful things called facades in public).

Throw a dinner party with multiple courses that all turn out perfectly (or at least edible).

Be a mom--My beautiful boy was born November 23, 2005

Become fluent in Spanish.

See a Broadway show.

Be a guest DJ at a radio station.

Learn to play chess.

Meet Dean Koontz (one of my favorite authors.

Perform a sponsored feat (marathon) for charity.

Learn how to belly dance.

Get my teeth in working order.

Maintain my goal weight of 110 pounds.

Go to more concerts of people I’ve always wanted to see live.

Devote more time to maintaining my friendships.

Keep a good relationship with my parents especially my mom

Take a ballroom dancing class.

Milk a cow.

Be in a movie or a tv show, even if I am just an extra.

Ride in a horse-drawn sleigh.

Put together a cookbook of favorite recipes from myself and friends.

Meet a president of the United States.

Make a cheesecake on my own.

Read all the Harry Potter books—need to read the final one

Continue my journal-writing habit (I have lost count on the number I am on)

Sit on the hood of a car with someone eating pizza and watching planes take off and land.

Throw a rock down the Grand Canyon.

Test-drive a car I could never afford.

Throw a huge party for someone.

Have a candlelit dinner somewhere unusual.

Attend a black tie affair.

Ride in a hot air balloon.

Go on a picnic at a park (did it as a kid.. want to do it as an adult now).

Go to Timbuktu.

Attend both Winter and Summer Olympics.

Teach somebody to read.

Go sailing.

Learn to identify all of the major constellations.

Interview someone famous.

Have a meal in San Francisco’s Chinatown.

Ride in a cop car (in front or at the very least not because I’ve been arrested.

Spend the night in a really nice hotel.

Learn how to swim so I can swim the length of a pool.

Attend the Oscars.

Visit the grave of Vincent van Gogh.

It's been awhile

This is going to be a long post since I haven’t updated in awhile.

Yesterday, JJ had an appointment with the original neurologist. It went okay. The next few days will be busy with freelance stuff. The editor is taking next week off for his anniversary. He asked me if I would be interested in covering the a town council meeting and a county commissioner meeting. Can we say YES!!! I love government meetings. I always watch the latest Mecklenburg County Commissioners meeting when it comes on late at night. I know I’m a geek but I love those meetings.

On Memorial Day, we took JJ to his second movie. Another 50 cent special. The choices that were JJ acceptable were Hotel for Dogs, Escape from Witch Mountain or Paul Blatt—Mall Cop. We saw the Mall Cop. I couldn’t sit through the other two. JJ loved it. And of course, we went to McDonalds for food and the Playland. My mood has improved. I just have to stay strong and know things will look up. The oven part of our stove went out a few weeks ago. We’re getting another one. It’s not new but it will do the job. I can’t wait. One of my goals is to cook a good meal each week. And by good I mean I have tons of recipes that I have always wanted to try but was afraid because of my ED. I’m working on a family cookbook.


The car situation is still at stalemate. So I used the long weekend as a break from being the stay-at-home mom. My hubby was responsible for JJ while I read, wrote and watched dvds. I read this new novel by Gillian Flynn called Dark Places. This book was awesome. She has a fan for life in me. I have been in a mood lately. I guess I am just discouraged by the job hunt. I thought by now I would have a job and insurance. I guess I am hoping that if I get a job then it will make all the sadness go away. I know there is no magic potion that will make years of my ED and depression just go away. But something has got to give. Some days I feel like I am being punished. There are still some positives such as I am not restricting like I would normally when I am in a mood like this.

To cheer myself up, I worked on my lifelong to do list. I have accomplished some stuff but have much more to do. I guess I need to get busy. I have posted it so I will have motivation.

Friday, May 22, 2009

Looking forward to the weekend

It is Friday. I am adjusting to the new dosages for my two medicines. I hate being on medication but for now it is the best solution. Until I can find some consistent care for my ED, I stay on the meds. I have noticed since I started on seroquel and remeron that I have vivid dreams. At times, the dreams seem like real life.

The situation has not been resolved about the car. I owe no apologies because on this I am right. I didn’t back into my own car so I shouldn’t have to pay for it. I know my husband and sister-in-law are stressed because of their mother’s illness and the lion’s share of the burden is on them. But there is no reason everything should be taken out on me. I am trying to be a good person but there comes a moment when a person has to stand up for what is right. Plus, I know that my mother-in-law agrees with me.

JJ and I have been taking care of the kittens. It is not easy being a surrogate mother but so far the kittens are doing fine. I have watched a ton of PBS in the last few days. I think I know the schedule by heart.

The managing editor of the newspaper where I used to live told me that they are still interviewing people so no decision has been made. But he will be in touch soon. So I continue to play the waiting game and doing some freelancing. I am trying to keep my spirits up but I’m worried that I will never find a job. I love my son more than anything in this world but I’m not cut out to be a stay-at-home mother. I admire those who do it. But it is not me. Not me at all. Since the holidays are coming, the libraries will be closed until Tuesday so I will be taking a break.

So enjoy your Memorial Day weekend folks! Stay safe and have loads of fun!!!!


Daily Dose

1. Pop Tarts
2. Walking to the mailbox on a lovely day

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Personal assistant JJ

My son has decided he is my assistant. He tells everyone that his job is to help Mommy. He blew off a chance to spend some time helping his daddy because he wanted to help me do laundry. He carried the laundry detergent and put the money in the machines.

I am miffed at my hubby right now. A few weeks ago, my hubby's niece accidentally backed into my car. Since my hubby, my sister-in-law and her daughters are on the same insurance policy, we decided to handle it without insurance companies. I figured that the way A drives, it would be a matter of time before she bumps someone's else car. So the search has been to find doors to replace the damaged ones on the passenger side. I was informed today it would cost me about $250 for the doors and labor. My reply was "why do I have to pay, I didn't back into my own car!" My sister-in-law thought because she asked a friend to fix the car at a reduce rate and find the doors that I would pay for the rest. I am miffed because I am expected to pay for something I didn't do and my husband thinks I am being difficult. I would pay if I was wrong but I didn't do anything wrong. I am sick of being able to only use one side of my vehicle. I'll keep you posted on this saga.

Daily Dose

1. My son--He makes me laugh

2. Pepsi--sweet nectar

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Going back to Dr. S

Since I am no longer in the study, I had to go back to Dr. S at the local mental health agency. I don’t like him. He doesn’t understand EDs and thinks it is a matter of taking meds and getting out of bed. I need the prescription from him in order to get my meds for $20. I can’t wait until I get a job with benefits so I will not have to deal with him anymore. My benefits have been cut severely so I will not be able to see Dr. Isla so I am going back to the group therapy at the mental health agency. This is only temporary until I either my benefits run out and Medicaid will have to take me or I find a job. One thing that made me happy about my visit with Dr. S. I am still holding steady at 110 lbs. It hasn’t been easy because there have been some down days. Still 110 and not freaking out.

JJ is with me full-time now so I have to be at the top of my game. He needs me healthy and clear headed and so do my hubby, MIL and my mother. So many people depend on me being healthy. It is a lot of pressure but good pressure.

It is quite windy today. Winnie the Pooh would call it a blustery day. I just got through watching Curious George with my son. A good positive show that teaches things a three year old needs to know.

Daily Dose

1. Curious George
2. Libraries

Monday, May 18, 2009

Teachable moments


It is Monday. I still haven’t heard anything yet from the newspaper job three hours away. I’ll e-mail today to see if a decision is in the works. But I have heard from some others. For example, the new editor of the newspaper in Florence received my resume and is interested in talking with me. He commutes from Charlotte to Florence everyday. I think he goes right back my house each day. I also have applied for the position of lifestyles editor at a newspaper.

Yesterday, my son had a teachable moment that no 3-year-old should have. I had to tell him about the death of the mommy cat. Thank goodness, he had spent the weekend with his aunt. I got up early to go buy the Sunday paper. As I waited in the driveway for traffic to slow down, I noticed a bloody lump of fur in the middle of the road. After closer inspection, I realized it was her. We lived on a busy stretch of road with 18 wheelers, dump trucks and tons of cars. Not to mention all the construction to widen the two lanes to a four lane. This poor kitty didn’t stand a chance.

There was a time issue as well. The road by our house is the road that my sister-in-law uses to go to church. And usually, she stops by on the way. So I had roughly 15 minutes to get the cat out the road and hidden at the back of the house before they showed up. I did it. But this is where my husband’s family and my family differ on the pets. In my family, if you are a pet and you die, you get buried. The philosophy was you were loyal to us so we will honor you by burying you. As a kid, I was the gravedigger. We had a lot of pets so as the eldest—my job was to bury them. My hubby’s family either made the animal disappear or burned them. These options were discussed. I buried the cat alone. I knew JJ would want some sort of proof.

I told him what happened. And he took it well for a 3 year-old with lots of questions and trip to the cat’s grave. Then he asked what would happen to her kittens. I told him that we would do our best to care for them. The mommy cat had been working hard to wean them off of her. Now my son is learning true responsibility.

There wasn’t an anniversary meal Saturday. I think my in-laws just wanted to be alone. But yesterday the core group (us, my sister-in-law and her kids and my in-laws) had Sunday dinner. My husband is fixated on this chicken place in Monroe. He has coupons which give him a great deal but to me the chicken sucks. I think everyone thinks it is my ED but no the chicken is not good. It’s just not good. I have given it three tries and the chicken seems to be worst each time. But their baked beans are good. So usually I will eat a chicken wing and a ton of baked beans. Overall, the dinner was nice. The floor looks great in the den. But my father-in-law refuses to let anyone eat in there. So my father-in-law ate in the sacred room, some ate in the kitchen and the rest including me ate on the sun porch.

Overall, it was a nice weekend.

Daily Dose

1. Getting back the ability to think quickly

2. Watching traffic on a rainy Sunday afternoon with my son

Saturday, May 16, 2009

Lovely Saturday

Today, my in-laws have been married 44 or 45 years. As a family, we are suppose to go out to dinner tonight. It will be interesting event.

I got an email from the Regional Editor of a bunch of small weeklies in the area. I applied for a job as the editor of one of the papers that is about 45 minutes away. The Regional editor asked me if I would be interested in applying for a weekly 2 hours and 30 minutes away. Why not! What do I have to lose?

I am meeting with Dr. S about tweaking my meds because I have been at the bare minimum dosage for awhile and I don't think they are working. I have found recovery to be a combination of meds, therapy and me. The only thing working right now is therapy.

I went to the grocery store yesterday. I told myself that instead of trying to get all the stuff in 10 minutes. I would allow myself to linger for 30 minutes. Found some great deals on sliced ham and turkey. Also got some brats for a steal. I think for lunch I will grill up a few with some onions for my hubby and I. JJ has a weekend with the nieces and cousins. Normally, the grocery store makes me anxious beyond belief but I did pretty good. Also this citrus punch that I love was on sale for 79 cents. 79 cents. It is usually about a $1.50 a carton. 79 cents.

I am up so early because I had to interview a man about a bbq fundraiser. I couldn't imagine JJ with leukemia. Finley's story just about broke my heart. I will keep the little guy in my prayers. Glad that his prognosis is good.

Daily Dose

1. Caring people
2. Citrus punch

Friday, May 15, 2009

Getting a late start



JJ and I did some cleaning yesterday. He helped me vacuum and straightened up his room. Afterwards, he said he was tired and needed a break. He played with his dinosaurs while I took a quick nap.

Our lazy day yesterday ended with Chinese food. My hubby, JJ and I met with one of my hubby's friends at a Chinese restuarant in the next county over. Definitely, not one of the best Chinese places but the tea was good and the chicken and broccoli was good. It was nice to get out of the house and socialize. JJ was happy with blue and red jello and chicken on a stick. JJ fell asleep in the car on the way home which meant bedtime was late. And I was on bedtime duty while my hubby slept. We watched Chicken Run, which eventually put JJ to sleep. Not a bad movie.

Today, the guys are running errands while I am emailing stories and doing some job hunting. I haven't heard anything about the job yet. I assume this is because there were so many applicants. If I hadn't heard anything by next Wednesday, I'll email the managing editor. JJ will be spending the weekend with my husband's nieces. This works out good because tommorow morning I am doing a story about an upcoming barbecue fundraiser for a three-year old with leukemia. I saw a flyer in the convenience store and thought I should do something to help. I'm not big on barbecue but I can help to get the word out. I can't imagine having a child sick with leukemia. My heart goes out them. I am so blessed to have a healthy little boy full of questions.

I'm feeling restless waiting. But thank goodness all the new magazines are coming in the mail. Plus, I applied for three editor's positions. I got to keep the folks happy at the unemployment office.

Daily Dose

1. Nice warm days
2. Running errands in my favorite pair of Sketchers

Thursday, May 14, 2009

A longtime until 2010



Yesterday, my son and I had a photo session with the cats. He introduced the mommy cat to his robot girl. There are more pictures to come.

I have been working at it. But I think I finally got my son on regular bedtime schedule. He went to bed at 8:45 p.m. However, he was up by 7:30 a.m. He told me he had a good nap. A three-year-old concept of time is interesting.

I watched the two hour season finale of Lost. I. Love. Lost. It was excellent with perfectly timed commercial breaks to give me time to say OMG a lot. My husband had to calm me down at one point because I go so excited. Next season is the show’s final season. I can’t imagine what they have in store for the faithful viewers like me. It’s a damn shame that I’ll have to wait until 2010 for it. At the same time, I was listening to American Idol in the other room to see who would be in the final two. I’m sad for Danny Gokey go but Adam is going to the finale. YES!!! I know it seems like I have no life but sometimes we do what we got to do.

Library, park and grandparent time was fun yesterday. JJ was super happy. And I was super tired. The other mommies at the park don't know what to make of me since I like to play also. I guess mommies are suppose to sit and watch. But where's the fun in that!

The interview for story that I was suppose to do was cancelled so I had my favorite breaksfast--sausage biscuit and gravy at McDonald's. I made it just in time before the switch from breakfast to lunch. I am not sure what I'm doing for the rest of the day. I think we'll just hang around the house and do whatever.

Daily Dose

1. Lost--Thank you JJ Abrams for helping to create this show!

2. Biscuit and gravy from McDonalds--good eating

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Lazy Day

Today has been one of those lazy days. A day where you watch kid’s tv. I haven’t watched Sesame Street in forever but the emphasis seems to be more on Elmo than the others. Elmo gets almost 20 minutes of his own. Now we are dressed and ready to head to the library, park and to see JJ’s grandparents.

We had a chance to take some photos of the mommy cat and kittens. So it is shaping up to be an interesting lazy day.

Yesterday evening I took my mother-in-law (MIL) her mother’s day present. She loved it. She took me outside to talk about her doctor’s appointment. I asked her if she was okay. Years ago, the doctors’ were worried about her health. At the time, my hubby and his siblings were young. She said she prayed to God to let her see her children get older and be able to care for themselves. Now that they are older, she said, she can go in peace. MIL has such a zen attitude about this. Honestly, I would be freaking out. But this is how she is how she is 24/7. Nothing seems to ruffle her feathers. Plus, my father-in-law has told her that he will respect her wishes.

The cancer has spread too much for surgery. And chemo and radiation may only add a few months. So she plans to just live her life. Aunt Lera is doing well. She is paralyzed on her right side and the stroke affected her speak a little. She is looking forward to moving back down here. She realizes it is for the best because she is really no longer able to care for herself. It would her and her siblings a chance to spend more time together.

Still haven’t heard anything about the job but apparently I am the buzz of Chesterfield County. People are calling the editor about my stories, which leads to more stuff to write about. It’s a win-win.
That’s all for now. It’s park time!!!!

Daily Dose

1. Mommy and me time

2. Kitties

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Appreciation

Thanks for all the positive comments and energy. I think I doing okay. The doctor told my mother-in-law that the best case scenario for her is one year. My father-in-law is not doing okay with this. My husband went to eat. JJ is at a playdate with his cousins so I hit the library. Some of my best thinking and relaxing has been done at the library. I am still trying to wrap my head around all of this. I mean how do you tell a three-year-old that the lady he had deemed the "best woman ever" is dying. So for right now, he knows nothing. We'll figure the rest out later.

I talked to my mother which made me feel better. My mother told me that my mother-in-law is stronger than her. "I told the doctors not to tell me how long I had."--she said. "I'll know when I wake up in heaven with your grandparents." Eleven years ago, I would not have been able to talk to her. At the time, we had a 30 minute rule--we could only deal with each other in 30 minute increments. Also at the time, my grandmother was dying of bone cancer. Things were so bad between my mom and I that I decided the day my grandmother was buried was probably the last time I would see my family. My mother knew this and made it her mission not to let me get away. And her effort made me put effort into rebuilding our relationship. I am saying all this because we both have come a long way in a family where feelings, emotions and sickness is not discussed. My mother also thanked me for taking such good care of her. She said she was sorry that I lost my job but she was glad because I was there for her and she really appreciated it. She didn't have to thank me because she's my mom. We do what we have to do for the ones we love. So I will pass along the love, appreciation and support to my in-laws and hubby. They're going to need it.

On a happier note, an article I wrote for the newspaper is getting rave reviews. The editor texted me that a lot of people are talking about it. I am just happy to be writing again.

Daily Dose
1. My mom and MIL (mother-in-law)

2. Word Girl (Has helped to build my son's vocabulary!)

Holding pattern

I feel like everything is in a holding pattern. My husband's census job ended early, which put us in a slight bind. And my unemployment benefits were cut. As much as I love freelancing, I am going to have to find something soon. I mean I'm not giving up freelancing or looking for a journalism job.

Usually when I go online, I leave my son with my in-laws. However, today is my mother-in-law's appointment that will give her a time frame. My husband is visiting with our lawyer because the farmer who owns the land around us is saying property that belongs to us belongs to him. And yesterday, there was police and stuff. So things are just crazy right now. Sorry for any typos or run-ons but my son is on my lap and I am typing fast as I can before storytime.

Aunt Lera is paralyzed on her right side and will need therapy. She wants to remain in Philly but I don't see that as an option. I am trying to be a good wife and friend to my hubby right now because I know he is stressed. He is a big House and Medium fan so I watched ton of video and games so he could watch them in peace. We are working on my son's bedtime. With my in-laws, he goes to bed when they go to bed. So when he is with me, I try to get him into bed between 9:30 and 10:30. Which is good for a child who refuses to sleep when it is daylight. My nephew is the same way. But at least he is potty trained.

Well, their rounding up the kids so I gotta run!

Monday, May 11, 2009

Monday, Monday

I had a great Mother's Day. I spent it with my family. My son and I went over to see my mom and my family. It was nice. My brother cooked the dinner. Afterwards, we sat outside talking and watching the kids play. Of course, I managed to get park duty so I took my son, my nephew and my cousin to the park where they had a grand old time. Park duty means breaking up fights, kissing boo boos and playing. I am tired but happy.

This morning I covered a teen pregnancy prevention breakfast. It was a nice spread. I thought only my mother-in-law could cook excellent grits. I was wrong. Some of the best grits I have had in a looong time. The event made me think. They gave all the stats about teen pregnancy. I am a product of teen pregnancy. My mom was 15 and in the 11th grade when she had me. She doesn't have a high school diploma or GED but she did pretty good. She has always told me that she was fortunate and blessed to find a good job and have the help of my grandmother. Watching them is what motivated me to be the best I could be. Plus, my mother didn't want me to be a statistic. I wasn't allowed to date until I was 18. So instead I became the library loving magazine junkie journalist I am today.

My brother turned me on to a group that I had heard about but not listened to--Kings of Leon. I can't stop listening to the song, Use Somebody. Brothers are so great.

Saturday, May 9, 2009

Mommy's helper


I have been busy trying to make sure the house looks decent for Mother's Day. I had a helper helping me with it all. My son dried some small bowls. He helped to vacuum and organized the dvds JJ style. Now, we are at my sister-in-laws making cookies for my husband. He loves peanut butter cookies so we decided to surprise him.

Overall, it has been a pretty decent day. I have tried to stay busy so I want think so much. I also had a chance to watch my son favorite movie, Cars. I have seen this movie so many times I can be in another room and still know what is going on. It's a great movie. I am trying to talk my son into watching the Wizard of Oz. We are trying to give poor Spiderman a rest.

I will try to get some pictures of the kitties in the next few days. They are a little shy right now. But they are so cute.

I am looking forward to Mother's Day because it means my mother is still surviving. And she is and enjoying every minute of it. My brother is cooking the Mother's Day dinner tomorrow. He has become quite the cook in the past few months. He wasn't pleased with my cousins' various dishes at the Christmas Dinner. His cake was excellent and everyone like my green bean casserole. I think because they knew how my ED had affected my cooking ability. Many moons ago, I wanted to be a chef. I had a lot of potential but the journalism and my ED took over. I think it was for the best that I got into the journalism. I wouldn't have been able to survive the many hours in the kitchen while eating next to nothing. So my brother has taken over as the family cook. Congrats and more power to him. Now he will be responsible for coordinating family events.

Me and Monkey on Saturday morning



It’s a beautiful Saturday morning. I am finishing up my story from yesterday. The newspaper brought me a nice digital camera so I have been trying to figure it out. I took a picture of my muse, Monkey. She always hangs around while I write. My son named her. Yesterday, my husband brought home a mother cat and three kittens. James Edward has the responsibility of naming them so it will be interesting so see what he comes up with. Anyway, I left the boys watching cartoons and discussing who is stronger Iron Man or Spiderman.

I need to get some stuff out of my head. I miss the structure of Chapel Hill. Some days are good for eating and some days I have to talk myself through them. It is hard to be accountable to myself when I am so used to eating whenever and wherever. My ED is woven in so deep within me that I am trying to figure where it ends and where I begin. I like my new therapist but hate that all we can afford is to see her twice a month. But it is better than nothing. I donated clothes that no longer fit me to Goodwill. This is so I wouldn’t be tempted to restrict or give up and go back to them. I had a pair of jeans that were a size 18 in girls. Do you know how small that is? It is scary small. Hopefully, the jeans will go to a girl who truly needs them.

All of this waiting for an answer from the newspaper is starting to get to me. I have very few dollars in the savings and taking this job would mean starting over. It is scary because this is what I want—to work at a daily newspaper. I’m trying not to doubt myself because I know I can handle the job. My hubby is being positive but I know he worries about my reaction if I don’t get the job. I have assured him that I want do anything bad like hurt myself or do some serious restriction. If I don’t get it, I’ll be upset. I’ll have a good, long cry, eat some peanut butter panic ice cream and read gossipy celeb mags. And then move on to the next phase.

But if I do get it, I’ll miss the early mornings writing while looking out at the trees and traffic. I’ll miss my husband’s rant of the day. And listening to JJ trying to convince to let him watch Thirteen Ghosts or some inappropriate movie for a three-year-old. I’ll miss seeing my mom and Devyn (my nephew) on a regular basis. But I won’t miss not having health, dental and a regular paycheck. And I will be able to go back to Chapel Hill.

Have a Happy Mother's Day!!!!!!!

Daily Dose

1. Monkey—She’s a great muse and if she could talk… Well let’s just be glad that she can’t.
2. My mother—She is my biggest inspiration and support. Plus she rocks!!!!

Friday, May 8, 2009

Tired but happy

My son and I had a good day together. Then he complained of a headache. So off to his pediatrician we went. It turns out it was just allergies. This gave me a little scare but I handled it like a pro. The pediatrician had a slight attitude because we went for a second opinion about the medication and JJ's diagnosis of possible epilesy. I think it is best from now on if I or my sister-in-law takes JJ to the doctor. My hubby does not take attitude well and is still angry about the pediatrician telling him that she could have us jailed for withholding the meds.

Today, I am covering a luncheon for the newspaper that I freelance for. The paper has brought a camera for me to use. This was very nice of them. It is nice being a reporter again. I so love being in the thick of things.

Last night, I found out that my husband favorite aunt, Lera, had a massive stroke. So his mom and her brother and sister are headed to Philly as I write. I really like Lera. She is a tough old lady. A few years ago, we went to Philly to see her around my birthday. I think it was so my future hubby could introduce the woman he loved to one of his favorite people. I'll never forget what she said to me--"My nephew is very opinionated and is like his father. You will have your work cut out for you but I know you can do it. You remind me of my sister with your quiet cool." She was right. Her nephew is opinionated and is like his father but I have hung in there. I hope she gets better but the prognosis is not so good.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

It helps to stay busy!!

Yesterday was busy and so was today. I guess it helps me to keep me from stressing about the job. The interview was about two hours long and went well. It was basically them telling me their expecatations for the job. And me trying to get a word in edgewise. But overall, I was pleased and was able to handle them. I got a tour of the building and had a chance to talk with the assistant editors. There are more than 200 applicants for the job so the competition is very fierce. If I get this job, it will take me way out of my comfort zone. A daily newspaper is very different from a weekly. A few months ago, I would not have been up for the challenge. But now I am. It will be a lot of work but I'm ready. I got home about a little after 11. JJ was waiting up for me to show a picture that he drew for me. JJ was pleased with the new look of his room and the bed. "That's bed came from my room at grandma's!"--he said.

Today was JJ's WIC recertification. It was not as long as I thought it would be. Afterwards, we headed to the McDonald's playland with chicken nuggets, apple slices and chocolate milk for all. Those slices were pretty good. Now, I am here at the library typing with my son on my lap looking at a Spiderman comic. So today has been a pretty good day. We need naps so I see a nice bed with tranformers sheets on it in our immediate future.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Pacing in my high high heels

Last night, while my husband slept, I paced back and forth in my high heels. When I need to think, I pace in these gorgeous high heels that I brought two years ago. I wasn't nervous. I just needed to think. I am at a crossroads where things could go either way. Either way is good. If I get this job, it will be full-time doing what I want and where I want to live with excellent benefits. If I don't get it, I can still freelance for two different newspapers and explore other options. It was a good pacing around the living room.

I am on the road to my job interview but had to make a little pitstop for a little breakfast (sausage biscuit and gravy) and some wifi. No matter what happens today, I will do my best. Four months ago, I wasn't in this frame of mind. It is amazing the combination of good therapy, support and medication can do for a person.

Tuesday night is American Idol and Fringe at my house. Both my husband and I look forward to it. My husband was going to grill chicken for us but forget to stop at the store. So I stopped and got some ground chicken. And I grill us some burgers on the George Foreman. They were good burgers with lots of onions, pepper, salt and sage. My husband ate two. I had one and half with some veggies. For the first time in a longtime, my husband said he didn't watch me eat or mentally compute my daily intake of food. "It's nice to know that you are able to take care of yourself," he said. Idol was good with Adam giving a good performance. I just discovered Led Zeppelin and love the song, Whole lotta love. I think that's the right title. My son and I love to dance to it. And as always, Fringe sparked a good discussion between us.

Well, I gotta get back on the road. My hubby left for work early this morning. But before I left the house, he called to wish me good luck and to be careful. So I am feeling really good vibes on a full stomach. Never thought I would say or write that sentence.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Me vs the state of NC

I finally got the state to realize that my son does not have insurance and can have his medicaid free and clear. YES!!!! It has taken three months but I finally found someone who listened and changed the status in the computer. I feel like I have climbed Mount Everest. I feel good. I celebrated with a foot long chili dog and Cherry Limeade at Sonic. And I drive up tomorrow for the interview at the newspaper.

Now I am about to conquer Mount St. Laundry. The editor of the newspaper I work for gave me heads up about an editor's position at a nearby newspaper. He said he didn't want my talent to go to waste. Today is a pretty good day.

Rainy Day


It's the type of day that makes a person want to stay in bed. But I got things to do. The interview was a no go yesterday. The editor got sick so the interview was moved to tomorrow at 3 p.m. It may be in person at the newspaper or a conference call. I will know for sure later today.If it is in person, I will have to drive up and back in the same day. My son has a WIC recertification on Thursday. The WIC folks are picky about who brings the child to the appointment and only my husband and I have authorization to bring him to appointments.

My house looks awesome. Awesome. My husband came home yesterday evening and was amazed how great the place looked. All signs of the ants are gone. At least for now. My son now has a big boy bed, actually a grown up one from his grandparents' house. He loves the bed because the headboard has a sliding door where he can put his toys to sleep when he goes to bed. We found some Transformer sheets on deep discount so he will be very happy. We have invited my husband's friend M, who was evicted and dumped to stay with us until she get things together. Along with the ants and her possible moving, gave me the motivation to really clean up. She has no place to go but is being very snobby about our home. We don't live on Park Avenue but our home is small but nice. Doesn't really bother me because she's not my friend. But it bothers my husband because he wants to help. My husband is one of those people who wants to save the world. So he is hurt at her attitude. I believe the attitude will change when she takes a good long hard look at her life.

Found out some more good news. Another newspaper in the county that I live in wants me to freelance for them. So I have mailed some writing samples and my resume. If I don't get the full-time newspaper job, I think we can manage for awhile with me doing some freelancing. This newspaper pays the freelancers good--$35-50 a story. So we'll see our it goes. I want to redo my son's room but I am going to let him help since it is his room.

Daily Dose

1. My cute little house

2. Garlic cheese toast--I love it!

Monday, May 4, 2009

It's Monday

Ribbon of the blog, fragments treasures memory, surprised me with the "One Lovely Blog Award". This means a lot to me coming from her. She has a outstanding blog that is filled with a lot of postivity and good vibes. I make it a point to visit her blog every day for some goodness. So thanks a bunch!!!

It is Monday once again. After filing for my benefits, I got to work on the cleaning the house. We had to exterminate for some huge ants. These suckers were big. I'm taking a break to run errands and rest. Later this afternoon, I will have a phone interview with the editor and managing editor for the newspaper job. I'm not nervous about that. I am more nervous about the ants coming back.

I had a great weekend. To say my son was happy would be the understatement of the year. Our family day started Saturday with a stop at the Salvation Army. JJ got to pick out some videos while I looked for books. One of his picks was Godzilla along with Bob the Builder, the Land Before Time and a dinosaur video. He was a little grumpy because he wanted to stay with his aunt and play on his drums. Plus, he associates going to Charlotte with going to the doctor. So he sat in his seat with his arms crossed and mouth poked out. Eventually, he fell asleep.

We arrived at the comic book store. JJ was so happy. He looked at the various comic book character figurines. He got to pick out his first real comic book--The Avengers plus some free ones. The event was great and made me realize I needed to seriously learn more about comic books because I am going to be asked a lot of questions.

Next stop--McDonalds. JJ knows if he eats most of his meal that he can play on the indoor playground thing. So for an hour and half, he played with the other kids and had a good old time while my husband and I talked. We went to my in-laws, where he showed off his videos and comic books. JJ still wanted to play on his drums so he spent the night with my sister-in-law.

Saturday night ended with my husband and I going out with a friend of his who had just broken up with her boyfriend and got evicted all in the same week. We went with her to a gay bar where I decided I try to as social as possible with her and her friends. They were so wrapped up in their drama that both my husband and I were bored to tears because all everyone was doing was trying to make others jealous or being just plain mean. I have never pitied so many people so much. After playing a ton of darts, it was too much for me so I went next door to the 24 hour diner and ate a BLT (hold the T)and fries and read an USA Today. I was later joined by the hubby. We had great time there. I was proud of two things--I tried to socialize and I ate instead just retreating. Overall, a wonderful weekend. Sunday was devoted to annihilating huge black ants.

Daily Dose

1. Being able to clean.

2. There is nothing like a good BLT (hold the T)with lots of B and mayo.

Saturday, May 2, 2009

Family day

My husband has declared today as a family day. So we are headed to the free comic day at a comic book store in Charlotte. We plan to surprise JJ with not only free comic books but a paid comic book of his choice. A teachable moment of making your own choice and one choice. I know JJ will bat those pretty eye lashes and give me a cute smile to convince to get him two comic books. It's kind of windy so we are going to fly a kite. And not just any kite--Iron Man. He is going to be soooo surprised. I plan to take tons of pictures. I'm looking forward to a wonderful day with my favorite two guys. To everyone, have a good Saturday and a most excellent Sunday!

Daily Dose

1. My sweet JJ

2. My hubby

Friday, May 1, 2009

Just call me Lawn Girl


I may have a calling in this lawncare thing. I just got through cutting the grass at my house. After a quick breakfast of leftovers. The bread was moldy so I couldn't have my peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I started at 8 a.m. while it was cool and many breaks later, I am done. I have always found cutting grass to be relaxing. While working, I had time to think about things. A year ago, I wouldn't have been able to do this. I got dizzy just walking to the mailbox. That's not me in the picture but it sums up how I feel right now.

The news about my mother-in-law has made me think. Here is this super cool lady who would give the shirt off her back. She has known for awhile that she was sick but didn't let it stop her from living. I say the same about my mom. Her doctors would like for her to quit working and go permanent disability because of her cancer but she refuses because she says she got a lot more to give. Both of these courgeous ladies make me even more determined to recovery from my ED. They inspire me. I have a lot to give so why let my ED negative thoughts of self-destruction bring me down. My husband and I talked about this last night. He says he wants me healthy and whole. And for the first time in months, he isn't terrified that I might pass out while walking to the mailbox or while driving.

So for the first time in years, I feel healthy. I am still working on body image issues but everyone is telling me I look great. I feel stable and a little more clearheaded. I still have some anxious days and some dark days but they are fewer and fewer. I've actually committed to recovery. I have a therapist that I feel comfortable talking to and working with to stay healthy.

Being able to play with my son and not feel weak and fragile is a great feeling. I can remember having to rest on the couch many times because I was just so weak. He also referred to it as Mommy's couch time. I know it is a day by day process. And it will not go smoothly all the time. But that's the beauty of life.

Daily Dose
1. My lawnmower--It was one of the first adult purchases I made.
2. Charlotte Observer--I can't get through the day without reading the newspaper.

My home library is complete!!!!!

  I write a book column for Duplin Times in Kenansville, N.C. called the Book Nerd. This is my May column, which is about me finally comple...