I may have a calling in this lawncare thing. I just got through cutting the grass at my house. After a quick breakfast of leftovers. The bread was moldy so I couldn't have my peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I started at 8 a.m. while it was cool and many breaks later, I am done. I have always found cutting grass to be relaxing. While working, I had time to think about things. A year ago, I wouldn't have been able to do this. I got dizzy just walking to the mailbox. That's not me in the picture but it sums up how I feel right now.
The news about my mother-in-law has made me think. Here is this super cool lady who would give the shirt off her back. She has known for awhile that she was sick but didn't let it stop her from living. I say the same about my mom. Her doctors would like for her to quit working and go permanent disability because of her cancer but she refuses because she says she got a lot more to give. Both of these courgeous ladies make me even more determined to recovery from my ED. They inspire me. I have a lot to give so why let my ED negative thoughts of self-destruction bring me down. My husband and I talked about this last night. He says he wants me healthy and whole. And for the first time in months, he isn't terrified that I might pass out while walking to the mailbox or while driving.
So for the first time in years, I feel healthy. I am still working on body image issues but everyone is telling me I look great. I feel stable and a little more clearheaded. I still have some anxious days and some dark days but they are fewer and fewer. I've actually committed to recovery. I have a therapist that I feel comfortable talking to and working with to stay healthy.
Being able to play with my son and not feel weak and fragile is a great feeling. I can remember having to rest on the couch many times because I was just so weak. He also referred to it as Mommy's couch time. I know it is a day by day process. And it will not go smoothly all the time. But that's the beauty of life.
1. My lawnmower--It was one of the first adult purchases I made.
2. Charlotte Observer--I can't get through the day without reading the newspaper.