Saturday, November 26, 2011

A Thanksgiving full of surprises (the return of JJ)

Happy Thanksgiving!! This Thanksgiving will go down in the record books. My husband changed his mind and JJ has been with me for a few days.

In the last few days, I have watched my baby turn six and the dismantling of a family. When I first met my future husband's family, I was amazed by their closeness. There was a big Sunday dinner once a month. Thanksgiving, Christmas and other events were nice.

But since the death of my mother-in-law, things have went downhill with the family. I don't know what made my husband change his mind but he did. Along with an apology for any trouble he caused me.
Honestly, I accepted it and took my child back with me. It is only a few days. JJ has school on Monday but it has been nice. My baby is learning to read. And if he doesn't know a word, he will ask for the meaning.

We have read several books, watched some dvds and played at the park. Plus, he got to see Mommy be a reporter. I had to cover a Christmas parade. He said it was great for two reasons. He got to see what I do and get tons of candy. At parades here, they throw out tons of candy. Christmas parades are so much more bearable with a child in tow.

I have to admit am I exhausted but will be sad to take him home tomorrow. The visit has gone by too quick. We return to SC Sunday with me taking JJ to school on Monday and having lunch with him before returning to RR. I have to be back at my desk at 8 a.m. Tuesday.

Once the holidays are over, my husband and I are going to talk about the visitation and other issues. Holidays are rough for both of us so why make them even more complicated.

DAILY DOSE (JJ edition)

1. Being able to spend a few days with my son.

2. Christmas parades are so much better with a child.

3. Hugs and kisses from JJ.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Taking the high road when I really want to do something awful

JJ will not be coming to RR for a visit. To say that I am disappointed and angry is the understatement of the year. My son is wise beyond on young life and has dealt with things most kids haven't--death of two grandmothers, a mom with ED and his parents' separation. It is a lot for a child to deal with at the age of five. His dad asked him about a visit with me in RR. But with everything, it depends all in how you explain. My son thinks he is being sent to live with me so he doesn't want to come for a visit because he is scared that he can't come back.

I could be a real bitch and force the issue and make him come. But the whole visit would have JJ wondering in the back of his mind if he is being forced to stay. So instead, I will travel south for his birthday and spend a few days with my son. I will take the high road. But make no mistake, it is known how upset I am. I will not ruin my child's birthday. He deserves to have his magically day where he is king. We will go to the movies, buy him his favorite toy and do what he wants. 

When we talked on the phone last night, I asked him what he wanted for his birthday. He wants a Thundercats action figure. I used to watch Thundercats as a kid. I said I would try to find one. He told me not to worry about because Santa would take care of it. JJ told me that only thing for his birthday from me is me. He just wants me. It made me feel good and wanted. I miss a lot not being with him everyday. 

 I  have to admit, I am very sad. I wanted him here for Thanksgiving. I had made many plans involving parks,  movies and cooking. And instead, I  have to put on a brave face. These are the things you do for your child. Sometimes you sacrifice your happiness for the greater good--a pretty well adjusted kid, who is awesome. So I take the high road even though I want to gut my husband like a fish. Because this is what he has done to me. 

Daily Dose

1. The cheddar biscuit from Hardees--Those things are addicting.

2. Grey's Anatomy--The show has gotten its groove back.

3. My sweet awesome son

Monday, November 14, 2011

Wishing I was still in bed and other Monday adventures

My get and go is still in bed this morning. This is price one pays when they put really good sheets on the bed. I didn’t want to get up this morning. I just wanted to stay in bed and enjoy it. Note to self--must win lottery. My weekend was semi-productive when I wasn’t sleeping. I cleaned and mop both the kitchen and bathroom. I  made a homemade pasta meal with chicken, rotina pasta, a cheese sauce and onions. I was pretty proud of it. I am no Paula Deen but I did okay.
Threw out a 39 gallon garbage bag full of stuff. 

In nine days, JJ turns the big six and then he will hopefully come up here for a few days. Honestly, I am starting to lose hope. I think the husband is having second thoughts. I am trying to control my anger. I know the holiday are going to be rough since this is the first year without his mother. But don’t get my hopes up only to dash them. I miss my mother also. Thanksgiving was our holiday. And it will never be the same without her. I was told that JJ has two weeks off for Christmas. I don’t have that time off for Christmas. Time off at Christmas is a big no-no. Sometimes I just want scream. 

Found a pawn shop here that is selling three dvds for $5. I found some that I  hadn’t seen. I am a major book person with books all around my room. I’ll have to post a picture. I love waking up and seeing my book shelves. It helps me get centered each morning. I like watching movies but if there is a choice between buying a book or a dvd. The book always wins. This weekend, I am going with a friend from to watching Breaking Dawn, part 1. It is not a priority movie to see but I know K just lost her dog of 14 years and she is pretty bum. Not mention, she is getting over pneumonia. Sometimes, you just need a movie watching buddy so I will go. Besides, she has been talking about this movie for a year. She is hyped and I am a little more subdued about it.

It is almost lunch time so I think I will head home for some tomato bisque soup and a grilled cheese sandwich. And then sneak in a little nap in my beautiful bed.

Daily Dose
1. My bed
2. I am glad for the option to make choices.
3. Wondering when Cowboys and Aliens comes out on dvd. I need my Daniel Craig fix.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Recovering from Election Night

I am so glad that election day only happens once a year! Right now, I am so tired that coffee didn't put a dent into it. 

And while I am grateful for the right to vote in this country. I dread elections with a passion because it means a late night  and then right back in here at 7:30 a.m. I am not a morning person at all. Normally, I have to be at work at 8 a.m. I don't roll out of bed until 7:15 a.m. I live two miles from the newspaper and I take full advantage of this proximity. Actually, I wake up at 6:55 a.m. Get up, head to the couch and watch the news until 7:15 a.m. Then I shower and get ready. I am a creature of habit and hate for my process to mess with. 

With election night, it means there are only 17 days before JJ returns to RR. My goal for this week is to clean out the back bedroom so I can find his toys. It will be the first place he hits for when he hits the door. In my cleaning, I have discovered I am quite a pack rat. I found a box of clothes full of size fours that I am donating. I am trying to streamline my life but it isn't easy. I am a person who accumulates a lot of stuff. Not pizza boxes and gum wrappers but things like blank notebooks, pens and the right coat for the right day.

Growing up, I didn't have much along with the fact that there wasn't much space. I grew up in a three bedroom home with 10 people. In high school, I shared a room with four people. I guess as an adult with plenty of space, I accumulated plenty of things. So I am spending weekends going through items. JJ will be surprised because he knows his mommy is not neat. But honestly, he will not care because he loves me.

DAILY DOSE

1. Coffee is amazing when you are tired.

2. A cute tunic and leggings go a long way early in the morning.

3. Getting a handle on being disorganized!!!

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Battling the duo--fatigue and ED

Despite my best efforts this week, I have worked late hours each day. I try to take it easy on the last week of the month because I have to be on the go all the time for meetings. This week has rough. I realize I am falling back into some old habits that could lead me straight back to ED. One, I am consume with wanting to be alone and sleeping. And wanting to eat alone. These are my warning signs. It has taken a longtime to realize this but I am glad I do.

So I am trying to be proactive. I am looking getting more involved in the community or doing something outside of Reporter Jackie. I just want to be Jackie. But I am finding that to be hard because everyone wants Reporter Jackie to make sure their organization is in the newspaper. 

Plus, I got some interesting texts from the husband last night. He told JJ about the upcoming Thanksgiving visit. JJ wasn’t happy because his dad told him that he wasn’t coming. JJ is five and he wants his parents to be together. He enjoys when the three of us are together. We will talk about this later today. I was approved for the time off. Honestly, if he can't come up here. I probably will not stay there. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. There is something about good food and gratitude that warms my heart. Christmas is my least favorite holiday. Some of my worst memories center around that holiday.

Right now, I am just venting because I am tired, overworked and stressed about everything. For all the work I do at this newspaper, I make slightly over minimum wage. The mantra of do more for less has gotten old with me and several of my co-workers. How can one person expect to churn out stories for the newspaper, two magazines and other things in 40 hours. It is insane. I am being patient until January and then I will ask about a raise.

Yesterday was my breaking point. For weeks, I have worked on the cover story for our women's  magazine. I was pretty proud of it. I found out on Wednesday that the boss' boss wanted a holiday cover so my story was pushed to February. Not only do I have to tell the lady I wrote the story about that it is not coming out this year but I also had to come with an alternate story for the cover. I spent yesterday afternoon doing a photo shoot for a holiday food. And while the food looked great and tasted great, it put me behind on other things. I got home before 10  p.m. last night.

I am grateful to have a job in this economy. But sometimes I feel that myself and fellow folks are being taken advantage of. We give so much but get nothing in return except more work. I just needed to vent. If things fester, they lead to ulcers.

DAILY DOSE

1. The cheddar biscuit from Hardees is amazing.

2. I am cooking lunch at my apartment for a friend. Trying to break cycle of being a hermit.

3. A little over 20 days before JJ returns to RR!!!!

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One of the hardest things I had to ever do was to explain my ED to my 11-year-old son. His father had talked to him about it, which I have...