Skip to main content


Showing posts from June, 2011

It has taken years but I no longer blame myself for my daughter's death

Before JJ was born, there was Lillian Bess. It was 2003 and I became pregnant with her almost a year before my husband and I were married. It was happy but stressful time. I was battling my ED strongly while dealing with the changes in my body. 

At six months pregnant, I was nervous about being a mother and constantly worried. I remember the day clearly because it was a Sunday morning. I could feel her kicking and knew in my heart that  everything was going to be okay. By 11 that night, I knew something was wrong. It was like someone turned off a switch. I knew Lillian was dead.

An ultrasound at the hospital confirmed the news. In that moment, I felt like I had let James down and Lillian. I blamed myself for her death. Since our obstetrician was in a neighboring county, I would have to wait until the following morning to see him and get checked into the hospital where his privileges were. It was the worst and longest night of my life. Both James and I cried for the loss of our baby. T…

Fitness boot camp--weigh in

Monday will be the beginning of my participation in a intense fitness boot camp. I will be working out for 1 hour  five days a week. This is in addition to intense days every Thursday along with a food plan. It was a lot to absorb. I wasn't worried about seeing my weight or BMI. With exception of the stomach, I am pleased with my weight of 147.5 pounds. When the instructor told me, I didn't blink an eye. But it was all the veggies and other stuff with the food plan that made me take a step back.  I have to eat six meals a day with balanced amounts of carbs and proteins. I am going to take this serious because I am being given an opportunity for me. For five weeks, I will be able to workout in high class facility for FREE!!! And with the blessing of my therapist, I am ready for the challenge.

I am doing the boot camp for my newspaper's magazine. It is participation journalism that will result in me having healthy body, losing a few pounds and being able to run a three run. …
It was weird waking up to silence. My husband and JJ left on Saturday. Both of them snore and  the tv was on all of the time so silence was weird. It was great having them here. I got some quality time with JJ and his dad. The question on everyone's mind is what is the deal between the two of us. And the answer is  I don't know. We talked and we are going to take things slow and just see. Both of us have seen what life is together and separately. But  two things we agreed on is our love of JJ and our friendship. So we'll see.

The last three weeks were the longest my husband and I had been under the same roof in the past three years. It was first visit for the two of them. And JJ loved it. His recap of the vacation to my sister-in-law was priceless.

N--How was your trip, JJ??
JJ--It was AWESOME, Aunt N.
(JJ then turns to me and said, Mommy, you are always Awesome so I am not including you in my list.)
JJ--My top three was the visit, Mommy's apartment and Mommy's job.


Introducing Super JJ and Bubble Girl

It has been so great having JJ here. It is budget time so I have to cover meetings about budgets complete with late hours. After a long day, it is nice to come home to the two Js. Some nights, there is a meal waiting for me. Today, JJ was my assistant in helping with the housework. He told he learned how to pretend vacuum during pre-K. He demonstrated his skills by using my real vacuum cleaner.

My favorite thing was when we did laundry. While waiting for the clothes to wash, we blew bubbles in the parking lot. I was evil Bubble Girl and he was Super JJ. It was nice to just to spend time with him. We tried to make a movie but it is hard to be evil and shoot it. It has been years since I have blew bubbles. It was AWESOME!!

Today starts their last week here in RR. I have done more cooking in the last few days than I have since I moved here. Tonight, we had chicken  fajitas a long with homemade french fries. I think I know more about Nickloden, Disney and Cartoon Network than I was meant…

Good times, good times

JJ and I had a great time during my vacation. We roamed around and met people. My husband has had a chance to grieve and get away from the drama of his family.

 One of my favorite things was taking him to the newspaper to meet my friends and to see what I do for a living.

In the last few days, I have watched a lot of kid friendly movies.

When my son sees a photo of himself as a baby, he goes “those were good times, good times.” Well, my vacation was made up of good times. I had a great time. It was the first real vacation I had taken in years. And all I did was hang with JJ.

But all things good things must come to an end. So I am back at work. And JJ is with his dad at my apartment watching cartoons. They will be here with me until June 19. I will not lie and say it has not been an adjustment. The toilet seat was the first. But I have enjoyed them. Plus, I have had a chance to cook and bake.

I don’t know if JJ is moving here or if my husband and I will be together. I am taking thin…

Cooking with Silly Girl

As my son would say, the last few days have been AWESOME!  JJ is here in Roanoke Rapids and I am on vacation. His graduation ceremony was so cute. Afterwards, there were plenty of pictures.
And, I have been cooking up a storm.When I was younger, I loved to cook. With ten family members in my grandmother's house, being able to cook was a necessity. Since my battle with ED, my love for cooking had dwindled down to nothing. In the past, making a peanut butter sandwich with marshmallow fluff was gourmet cooking. But in the last few months, I have rediscovered cooking. 

When I went to SC to pick up JJ and my husband on Sunday, I cooked breakfast and cube steak with rice and gravy. People were stunned and amazed. Even more when I sat down and ate my own cooking. Today,  I made gumbo with chicken in it. For the past few weeks, I have stressed about my weigh and other issues. Today, I felt like I was Rachael Ray and Paula Deen all rolled into one Silly Girl.

1. My baby graduated f…