Saturday, May 9, 2009

Me and Monkey on Saturday morning



It’s a beautiful Saturday morning. I am finishing up my story from yesterday. The newspaper brought me a nice digital camera so I have been trying to figure it out. I took a picture of my muse, Monkey. She always hangs around while I write. My son named her. Yesterday, my husband brought home a mother cat and three kittens. James Edward has the responsibility of naming them so it will be interesting so see what he comes up with. Anyway, I left the boys watching cartoons and discussing who is stronger Iron Man or Spiderman.

I need to get some stuff out of my head. I miss the structure of Chapel Hill. Some days are good for eating and some days I have to talk myself through them. It is hard to be accountable to myself when I am so used to eating whenever and wherever. My ED is woven in so deep within me that I am trying to figure where it ends and where I begin. I like my new therapist but hate that all we can afford is to see her twice a month. But it is better than nothing. I donated clothes that no longer fit me to Goodwill. This is so I wouldn’t be tempted to restrict or give up and go back to them. I had a pair of jeans that were a size 18 in girls. Do you know how small that is? It is scary small. Hopefully, the jeans will go to a girl who truly needs them.

All of this waiting for an answer from the newspaper is starting to get to me. I have very few dollars in the savings and taking this job would mean starting over. It is scary because this is what I want—to work at a daily newspaper. I’m trying not to doubt myself because I know I can handle the job. My hubby is being positive but I know he worries about my reaction if I don’t get the job. I have assured him that I want do anything bad like hurt myself or do some serious restriction. If I don’t get it, I’ll be upset. I’ll have a good, long cry, eat some peanut butter panic ice cream and read gossipy celeb mags. And then move on to the next phase.

But if I do get it, I’ll miss the early mornings writing while looking out at the trees and traffic. I’ll miss my husband’s rant of the day. And listening to JJ trying to convince to let him watch Thirteen Ghosts or some inappropriate movie for a three-year-old. I’ll miss seeing my mom and Devyn (my nephew) on a regular basis. But I won’t miss not having health, dental and a regular paycheck. And I will be able to go back to Chapel Hill.

Have a Happy Mother's Day!!!!!!!

Daily Dose

1. Monkey—She’s a great muse and if she could talk… Well let’s just be glad that she can’t.
2. My mother—She is my biggest inspiration and support. Plus she rocks!!!!

2 comments:

  1. I love the monkey!
    You got kitties? Post pictures!!!!!! NOW! :)
    I know what you mean about figuring out where your ED ends and you begin... I think that's an ongoing questioning process... I think you're figuring it out though.
    About the job...nobody likes waiting! And any change is hard. I've realized that I even have anxiety over "good" changes, like getting a job a want. It changes the routine of things. It's "different." Good things are on the horizon for you. I can feel it!

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