Friday, January 7, 2011

Say You'll Haunt Me

I have been on medication for about two months. I can see and feel the difference. My attitude has improved but my body issues are in high gear.

ED has returned. She constantly whispers. Today for the first time in a month, I skipped breakfast and lunch.

I have curves and look pretty good. My friends tell me I no longer look frail or fragile. But to me,  I am fat and hideous. I hate my clothes are snugged.  I have been avoiding mirrors.

Last week, my prescription ran out and needed to be refilled. The script is still in my purse. I have thought about tearing it up. But this week, I have been a roller coaster of emotions. I believe I am one of those people who need something  to regulate them. I am on the road to health but I am so scared because I take comfort in being thin and in control. The medication makes me hungry all of the time. But it helps with the depression and ED's whisperings.

I am 37 years old and there is only so much more my body can take now. I have so much to aspire for but I am allowing ED to whisper. I am trying hard to resist. I hate change but this is not just a change but a choice to live and enjoy life. I am starting to have a life. Plus, there are so many things I want to do with JJ. So tomorrow, I will refill my prescription and continue to live in the now. And not be a deathly ill girl of the past.
But I am scared one day, I will give into ED completely. So I will take it one meal at a time and not stress about it.

Daily Dose

1. My newspaper is starting a women's magazine.

2. Dodged the bullet for a snow storm Saturday.

3. Going to crash and D's house at the lake and get my head together.

6 comments:

  1. Hey girl!

    Sounds like you and I are on the same medication. STAY on it, but stay away from white or blue linen. You'll look like a bridal float, TRUST ME. I get lots of bouquets thrown at me when I wear it. LOL. BUT there is nothing wrong with looking like you are gaining weight ;p

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  2. Aren't you on remeron? I am on that, and yeah, the appetite is hard to deal with. I get so much inspiration from your blog because I would love to write for a newspaper someday!

    You can do it, dont give in to ED!

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  3. Please don't let Ed back. Please. I did starting last year and I've almost lost everything. Now I'm separated from my husband and I'm so anxious as I start the refeeding process I can hardly stand it. I have a lot of hope - hope I can recover and hope that my husband and I will reconcile. But I have this one last chance to get better. I'm 45 and my doctor has warned me about strokes, etc. I will have no kind of life if I don't recover. And you won't either. Fight it!!!

    Please. You deserve a full life. You don't want to lose your job, maybe lose seeing JJ, have a life with no friends and in which all you do is count calories and worry about how little to eat. You don't want to go back down that road. If you need to talk anytime, call me. (My number is posted on my Facebook profile, so you can find it there.)

    Stop it from happening now before it is too late. I beg you. I know it has already destroyed your marriage, or at least played a part in that. Don't let Ed take anything else!!!

    Again, please I beg you. As someone who is starting over again and is filled with anxiety about it. I have to do it this time or else...

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  4. Hey happy new year! ..it's been so long I heard from you, but I wasn't really blogging for Christmas.
    I understand the feeling, these up&down mood swings..but now you are not the little ill girl, you are a strong and beautiful woman who recognises the 'voices' and fights them back!!

    JJ has a wonderful mom so make sure you are there for him and happy enough to make him happy :)
    *woman magazine? sounds exciting! you should totally get a column there!!

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  5. I am a year younger than you and I just recently, after being underweight/slim for over five years, have let myself put on the weight that my body is happy at. I at first felt like you, that oh my god, I have lose weight, but now I am used to my curves and I'm not fat, just healthy. I have decided that at my age, I want happy over skinny and I really hope you can choose this too. You can do it, I know you can. I am not 10kg heavier than I was this time last year, but like I said, at first I hated it and now I am used to it. It isn't easy though and every day I have to tell myself to leave it, that I am happy for the first time in over a year and a half. It's time to accept that joy! I know you can do this, I really do, but I know it's hard too!
    *hugs*
    Sarah

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  6. I know how you feel about not feeling in control of your body when you are not super thin. I fight it myself. Just think about what you want to do and be in your life. Be strong.

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