I have curves and look pretty good. My friends tell me I no longer look frail or fragile. But to me, I am fat and hideous. I hate my clothes are snugged. I have been avoiding mirrors.
Last week, my prescription ran out and needed to be refilled. The script is still in my purse. I have thought about tearing it up. But this week, I have been a roller coaster of emotions. I believe I am one of those people who need something to regulate them. I am on the road to health but I am so scared because I take comfort in being thin and in control. The medication makes me hungry all of the time. But it helps with the depression and ED's whisperings.
I am 37 years old and there is only so much more my body can take now. I have so much to aspire for but I am allowing ED to whisper. I am trying hard to resist. I hate change but this is not just a change but a choice to live and enjoy life. I am starting to have a life. Plus, there are so many things I want to do with JJ. So tomorrow, I will refill my prescription and continue to live in the now. And not be a deathly ill girl of the past.
But I am scared one day, I will give into ED completely. So I will take it one meal at a time and not stress about it.