Thursday, March 5, 2009

The story of Ana and I (Part 1)

The story of my relationship with Ana is a long one so I am going to write it in readable chunks for you. The parts in italic are from my journal. I have kept a journal for about 12 years so my struggles are well documented.

I am not sure how to answer all the nice people who have left comments. So I will say it here. Thank you! After a pretty rough week, it's nice to hear something nice. Thanks a bunch.

Ana and I (part 1)

I have a mistress. She is strong and persuasive.
She is the only thing in this world that truly frightens my husband.

I have virtually stopped eating. I eat enough so that I still have a period and can keep people off my back. Maybe secretly, I want to starve myself to death and not have to deal with anything anymore. (July18, 2008)

Her name is Ana--short for anorexia.
The National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorder estimates there are eight million people in this country who suffer from anorexia or another type of eating disorder.
I am one of those people.
My complicated relationship with Ana reached its breaking point when I was led out of a hospital in handcuffs and leg shackles.
Technically, I had done nothing illegal to warrant all of the hardware. But when I walked into the emergency room and informed the nurse on duty that I wanted to kill myself, there are certain procedures a hospital must follow.
Ana is all about control. In the beginning, I thought I controlled our relationship. She knew she was the one calling the shots.
With her at my side, I have watched myself become someone I don’t even recognize. To be with her, I have lied and deceived my family and friends over food.
Some days Ana is so frustrating that I wish I could switch places with someone else so I could get some peace from her voice. From the time I wake up until I go to sleep, I think about food. It usually begins with me wondering what to eat but it always ends with me not eating.
I used to love eating apples. I would cut the apple in half. Then cut each half into fourths. And then cut each of the fourths into four more pieces. It should take a person no more than ten minutes to eat an apple.
It took me an hour.

1 comment:

  1. Silly Girl....I know from all of your blog postings and our private conversations that you are now keeping a food journal. May I suggest a really good site that I am using to keep track of what I eat. Please go to www.mydailyplate.com. You can use all kinds of tools there. I think that it was originally intended for those who are trying to loose weight, such as myself, but you can also use it to gain weight. You can calculate how many pounds you want to "gain" in your case, each week and it will tell you how many calories you need to eat. It will give you the tools that you need quick, all in one place to determine the amount of calories per serving of hundreds of food items. I think that you will find if very usefull and in the form of the web, which is extrememly convenient. As for your determination this time to overcome the bitch that Ana is, I offer props to you....keep that determination....for your son and yourself....ultimately....you need to learn to love you! Like so many of us others already do!

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