Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Conversations with JJ

My horrorfest was pretty good. I watched Psycho, Halloween 1-4 (Three sucked!), and Nightmare on Elm Street. I know that I went old school. And just for kicks, I watched the original Prom Night. This was the first horror that I ever saw and it scared the living daylights out of me. I can still remember the rush of watching my first horror movie and the nightmares that I had for days afterwards. Some movies still scare me and most don't but I still watch them.

I love my conversations with my son. The mind of a three-year-old is an amazing thing. He made up his own knock knock joke.

JJ—Knock, Knock.
Me—Who’s there?
Me—JJ who?
JJ—Your son, silly!

Most grownups can’t tell a knock, knock joke. Yesterday evening, we sat on the steps at our house eating popsicles, watching the vehicles drive on the road and discuss things. Why do fireflies light up? Where does the sun go at night? He is so full of curiosity and wonder. I hope he never loses this. He’s a great kid who knows that his mommy is not like other mommies.

I am not a big fan of Mondays. It’s the day that I file for unemployment and usually the day I find out about jobs that I applied for. In the past few weeks, I have applied for 55 jobs with two interviews and no job. So I’m a little down but JJ always cheers me up. So yesterday, we played soldiers and dinosaurs. I got to be the T-Rex. We watched our favorite shows—Arthur, Word Girl, Martha Speaks and Curious George. After dinner and bed time stuff, we watched Cars. All in all, it was a decent Monday and now I am ready to face the world.

On today’s agenda is the library, maybe the park and a retirement dinner for me to cover. The best way to combat being down and sad is to be proactive so I’m trying to line up some more writing assignments. I figure that I give myself a day to bum (Sunday) and then I have to up and out the door.

Daily Dose

1. Popsicles on a really hot day
2. Going shopping in your bathroom. I am finding clothes that I forgot I had.
3. Having a really sweet son who just wants me to be happy.

Saturday, June 27, 2009

It is sooooo hot and humid!

This is hard to explain to a three-year-old who wants to go to the park. In his mind, it’s sunny. Little kids ignore humidity or just don’t care. Thank goodness for indoor play lands, they are a lifesaver—at least for now. Welcome to summer in the south.

I did laundry yesterday. Let me tell you that a Laundromat and a 90-degree day don’t mix. I love doing laundry. It’s relaxing and I am pretty social there. I’ve had some pretty good conversations there. Yesterday, I chatted with a lady about Michael Jackson and SC governor Mark Sanford. My hubby and I do our laundry separate. We like different detergents and have different ways of washing clothes. I wash mine and JJ’s. My husband loves button down long sleeved shirts even in hot weather. He has a ton of them thanks to sales and Goodwill. As a courtesy, I wash and iron them for him. He believes in the hang them up and the wrinkles will fall out philosophy. This does not work so he wears them wrinkled. He hates to iron. I love to iron. His family and friends know that I do this for him because as his brother said, “Your shirt is ironed. Thank God, you’re wife took over.”

I have posted a picture of my bathroom. It is a mess. This just represents one side of it. There is only enough room to use it and wash your hands. Hopefully by the fall, it will be straightened out.

Transformers opened this weekend. I offered to take JJ but he wants to go with his daddy. So we are going to wait until after fireworks season. My hubby doesn’t understand why this movie. The answer is simple. This movie has cars, robots, explosions and most importantly, a sexy girl name Megan Fox. Or as my son says—Mommy, she’s pretty.

Yesterday, I marinaded some chicken breast in terakyi sauce and grilled it last night. The chicken with some creamy rice and peas was excellent. JJ is spending the weekend with some cousins. After his clean bill of health, he wanted to do something big. His words. He was thinking the beach. I was thinking maybe the park and an ice cream sundae. His cousins have a slip and slide and a little kiddie pool. He gets fun, water and playmates and I get to have a horror move fest while working on all those boxes.

Daily Dose

1. Horror movies

2. Getting back into cooking more

3. Flip flops--Sometimes it is good to let the toes go free.

Friday, June 26, 2009

Deaths are always sad

It was so sad to hear on the same day that two celebrities died--Micheal Jackson and Farrah Fawcett. On my list of my favorite cds--Thriller has always been in the top five. In the safe confines of my room, I can do a pretty decent with the song, Billie Jean. And Beat It is also a fave. The man had some good music.

Farrah Fawcett has always reminded me of my mom. They both seem to have the same free spirit. I can't explain it but there are some similarities there.

I got my car back in time to cover a Relay for Life wrap up, which was very good. They raised a lot of money for cancer research. Yesterday was a pretty decent food day. At the event, they had hamburgers. I am not a real big beef eater. I ate half of it. And afterwards, I headed to Sonic for some corn dogs and tater tots. I know it wasn't healthy but it sure was gooooooood!

My brother-in-law's wife had a baby born. There was a scare because during her c-section they found that some of the fecal matter got inside the baby. He is in the neonatal intensive care unit as a precaution and receiving antibotics. He'll be okay. My hubby, JJ and I went to visit this morning. This was JJ first time visiting the birthing floor and seeing all the babies. He found it quite fascinating. He did say--"Mommy was I that small when I was a baby." I told him yes. He said--It must be sad for the babies because they can't talk and tell people what they want. I'm glad that I'm a big boy and can talk. Me--Yes, honey because you will let us know what is on your mind.

It was a nice visit. It brought memories of my pregnancy and the concern of how a hardcore anorexic could care a baby to full-term. I did it. It wasn't easy but I did it. And now I have a handsome, smart little boy who tells me that he loves me to pieces. And that he'll let that have a small piece. I love my son.

Daily Dose

1. My son

2. Thriller

3. My hubby for moving heaven and earth to find the money to fix my car.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

What's a girl to do without a car?

It is so good to be back. I did something major. I changed my room around the way that I wanted it. When we moved into this house a year ago, I thought I would find a job and move away. This is not happening. I have made peace with it. So I changed my room around and have started the unpacking process.

All of this unstructured time due to lack of car, which is being repaired, was interesting. I had options. I could have gone with my hubby and son while he sold fire crackers. During the Fourth of July and Christmas/New Year’s, my hubby and a friend open a firecracker stand. For me, fire cracker season is two weeks of peace and quiet. I can eat what I want, where I want and hogged the remote. I could have hung out with my in-laws. I decided instead to work on the house instead and have some solitude.

The room looks great. I still have many boxes and totes to go through. In addition to my room, I unpacked JJ’s toys from my in-laws’ house. Some I tossed and others I shelved. I even set up his dinosaurs up like they were having a standoff. The boy has a lot of toys. I only threw out the broken stuff. I figure if I am going to donate some of his toys, he should have some say in the decision. His room looks nice. I also cleaned the kitchen and the living room. My husband’s room is such a mess that he is camped out in the living room. He needs to tackle the room. I can’t talk since my huge bathroom is filled with boxes and stuff.

JJ had an appointment today with a pediatric cardiologist to rule out heart problems causing his seizures. The tests came back normal. So my baby is okay. Right now, the terrible threes are in bloom. He heard his grandfather say some not so nice words. And now he is saying them all the time. It is so humid here that if I want to take a walk, I have to get up early.

The next few weeks are going to be interesting. I will be juggling freelancing jobs for two different newspapers in two different counties. Plus trying to find a part-time job. I caught up on my reading. I read some great article. For example, in the April issue of Body + Soul, there were some thoughts on whole living. Three thoughts stuck out for me.
The first was to give yourself time to consider what you most want to contribute to the world. I am still working on this but I want to do something. The second though is better eating starts with small, positive steps. I have been cooking more. I am reading cookbooks and magazines for recipes. In the past, I read cookbooks just to get a food fix without eating. I have experimented with seasonings and stuff. It’s kind of fun and healthy—small positive steps.
And the final thought was the decision to let go may be the most important one you ever make. This is what I am doing by finally starting to unpack. I am letting go of the past, embracing the present and looking toward the future. It is amazing what a few days off of the world’s grid does to a person. I had five articles in the paper this week. I have been a busy Silly Girl. I hate that my car was broken but maybe I needed this time to recharge and think.

Daily Dose

1. Found a tote of summer dresses—now that I have gained some weight, I’m not afraid to wear a dress. I'm working on wearing shorts outside of the house in public.
2. Read some really good books. Found out that I own some really good books.
3. I am so glad that the library in the county that I live in allows patrons to checkout old newspapers. In addition to story ideas, I get to read the New York Times and the Atlanta Journal Constitution, Wall Street Journal and USA Today.
4. And most importantly, my son is okay. Grumpy but okay!

Saturday, June 20, 2009

I need to move on

Yesterday, I had a day filled with mixed emotions. I covered a county council meeting that got the writing juices flowing. Then I found out my car has some sort of electrical system problem that cost $400. The mechanic, a friend of my hubby's, said I can drive it minimally to assignments and back home while I save up the funds. He was sweet and didn't charge me for the diagnosis. He said he knows I got a lot of stuff going on.

The best part of yesterday was that my former boss, now good friend, and another guy I used worked with came down from Pickle Land for a comic book convention nearby. We meet them and went to this hole in the wall that serves excellent wings. Along with my son and hubby, we had a good time filled with good conversation and food. Lots of food. There hot wings, terkayi wings, bacon/cheese fries, cheese ball, raw fris and onion rings. It was a great meal. I set a new wings record of eating 12 in one sitting along with tons of onion rings. I included some pictures of the fries and wings. I didn't have a chance to take a picture of onion rings, which looked great and tasted delicous, because I ate them.

I really miss my friends in Pickle Land. Last night, I thought about how much I missed my old world while sitting on my bed. My room looks like a vagrant lives there. Stacks of totes and newspapers along with minimal things to prove I live there. I have been wanting to get a job so I could the hell out of dodge. My huge bathroom is filled with unpacked boxes and old newspapers from the place I used to work. I can feel myself slipping back into old habits of isolating.

The main thing--I need to move on with my life. Things happen for a reason. I think something is telling me that I can have friends in the old world but it's time to make a life here with my family. And try to make new friends and reconnect with old friends that I have fallen along the wayside.

I will never full be comfortable living in a place where everyone knows me but I have no clue they are. So I am going to make an effort. A real effort to try. Instead of writing a list, I will just play it by ear.

Daily Dose

1. Seeing old friends and catching up

2. Realizing that things need to change and not be afraid of the changes

Friday, June 19, 2009

Being back in the game

Yesterday and this morning has been great. I got to do what I love--being a reporter. The banquet last night was night. In the past, whenever I covered banquets or any event involving food. I never really ate. I would say that I ate before or get a small portion.

This has changed. Last night, I had chicken breast with broccoli and cheese casserole, lima beans and macaroni and cheese. It was delicious. For dessert, I had the best lemon creme cake ever. I realized while driving home that I didn't stress about the meal. This is a odd feeling to eat without feeling guilty.

The county meeting was great. They actually had a verbal tussle and I was the only reporter there. After the meeting, I met the editor and publisher of the paper. The publisher wanted to meet the lady "who was writing such excellent articles." She pointed that I was a rare find in the newspaper world. I wish they were able to afford to hire me but there is no use moaning about this. I am just so glad to be able to write. It keeps me from isolating myself from the world.

Daily Dose

1. Broccoli and cheese casserole

2. County council meetings rock!

Thursday, June 18, 2009

List making keeps the demon away

For most of my life, I have had lists. I keep a list of all the books I want to read. I keep a list of the magazines I get each month. I have notes full of story ideas with list to keep them in order. These lists calm me when things are out of control.

Once for a brief time, I kept a list of things I ate in a day. This is the only list that has ever made me more anxious. Lists have been the key for my survival through the years. Last August, I made a list of why I should live. These things I have a list called Things I must do to make it through each day. I found it in my journal last night. I made it on New Year's Eve. Here it is with explanations about the items

Things I Must do to Make it Through Each Day

1. Wake up each day by 10 am.--This is so I want sleep the day away.
2. Bathe and get dressed.--This is so I will not stay in my pajamas.
3. Each something.--I usually eat cereal, cheese toast or something.
4. Prepare a list of things to accomplish for each day.
5. Go to the library and make human contact with someone.

I do all of these steps everyday. This list will change once I find a job. Other list I have is my Rules for Recovery. Item one is never drank alone. The top of our fridge is full of various liquors and inside is some beers. These are when my hubby has friends come over. A lot of my uncles were alcoholics or had problems with alcohol. In my case, I think drinking alone will lead to major trouble. I don't thing alcoholism and anorexia should mix.

Item two is not to stifle my feelings. I try to meet my emotions and issues head on. There are days I want to stay in the bed under the covers. To deal with that feeling, I started freelancing because it gets me out of bed and gives me a purpose.

Item three is to do something constructive when thoughts of restricting occurs. I journal, blog or talk to my hubby or a friend. Anything to mute ED's voice.

Item four is to be as positive as possible. This is not easy but I try hard to do it. Today started with the best of intentions. I have a chamber banquet to cover tonight. Mingling and networking plus I get to write. I got my hair to look pretty decent today despite the humidity. And a photo studio that I filled out an application for called. The manager asked me preliminary questions. I think I did good. She said she had more applications to look over but she would call me back if she wanted me to come in for an interview. I felt good. Then I got into my car.

My car isn't acting right. My hubby is in a mood because his mom has to go in for two days of testing to determine how far the cancer has spread. I asked him but he was preoccupied. If repairs are needed,then I will have to tap into the freelance fund. Money is tight. My unemployment check has been cut by $50. I am worried that I will not find a job. Each day, I feel I move closer and closer to working in fast food or a resturant. This scares me because I don't know if I can handle being around food like this. But I need a job and if they have benefits then I will have to take it a step at a time. I am trying to remain positive but it is hard.

I am so glad that I have the ability to write. It helps to get these thoughts out of my head.

Daily Dose

1. Listmaking

2. Having a bowl of potato soup for lunch with lots of cheese and bacon.

3. Having faith that things will work out.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Feeling good!!!!

Wednesday is group therapy day. In order to get my meds, I have to go to group therapy. I went with the depression group. They are really nice folks with some serious problems. Each meeting at the beginning, someone usually is singled out for positive reinforcement type stuff. Today it was me. They had talked among themselves to figure out the best way to say they are impressed with my weight gain. One guy said that when I first started the group back in mid-January that he thought I looked like a meth addict. He said, “Chick you know how to fill some jeans out.” Instead of feeling anxious or self conscious, I felt good.

The theme today was how some people were put in your life for a reason—good or bad. My example was my hubby. For the longest time, he was the only person in my life who would talk to me about my ED. Others were either scared or confused about what to do. Even past boyfriends chose to ignore my ED for fear of angering me. My hubby said he figured hate him but at least you will still be alive. Without him, I really don’t think I would be alive.

Finally got the grass cut after my econ meeting. It looks great. Then I had a nice dinner. Then I did my weekly cleaning while listening to House in the background. I think the house looks damn good. My husband agreed this morning. He did say “I would have cut the grass.” I have heard that sentence for the past month and half and it looked like we lived in a wilderness. I had trouble getting to the mailbox because the grass was so high. Stella and I did a great job. I took a picture of her, my kitten--Kit Kat and cute crotchet bag that I love. I paid two dollars for it at a consignment store and it matches my flats that my mom gave me. I also took a picture of my new two dollar LL Bean backpack that I got from a yard sale and my TOL pen. I feel like Dora the Explorer. My backpack holds my library books, magazines I'm donating and whatever else I need. Dora had the right thought about a backpack.

Daily Dose

1. Group therapy

2. I found out that the magazines I donate are tax deductible.

3. Dora the Explorer

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

A late start

I have an economic development board meeting tonight so all of us slept in today. My hubby didn't sleep well last night. I think it's the sinus infection, antibotic and the allergy medicine all working together. I slept like a baby. Once I take my meds, I am pretty much out. Plus my meds make me have vivid dreams. Last night, I dreamed I was about to graduate from high school. And not the high school I graduated from in real life but a "Gossip Girl" type place. It was a weird but nice dream. I awoke to my husband screaming to a chef on tv about a crappy looking risotto he was making.

Here's the thing--Since I have been unemployed, I have become accustomed to the house in the mornings have either James Edward and I or just me. JJ is with my husband's niece this week. My hubby, who is starting to feel better, messed up my morning routine. Usually, I wake up about 9:50 a.m., I eat a few slices of cheese while I wait for Dr. Phil to come on. My hubby hates Dr. Phil. I like the doc in small doses. Then I go buy my morning paper up the road. By 11 a.m., I am watching The View while eating a bowl of cereal or something. And then I plan my day, which depends on whether I am alone or with my son.

With my routine in shambles, I got the newspaper and tried to sat with my hubby. He was mister crabby pants because he didn't get any sleep. I took my paper back to my bedroom and watched the news until I fell asleep. I woke up about noon. I had the rest of my fish sticks and some creamy chicken rice while reading my paper. At this point, my hubby is up, dressed and ready to face the day. I hope he stays well.

I used to be the queen of snail letter writing. I had tons of greeting cards, stationery and stickers. I miss that the part of me. So today, I wrote a letter to an old friend and included some pictures of JJ. Everyone deserves snail mail every so often. So if anyone is interested just let me know and I can send you one.

I have started an exercise routine that I am going to run by my therapist. I am not used to having a midsection so I am little anxious about this.

Daily Dose

1. Behold the power of antibotics!!!!

2. A cute kitten playing with a string

3. Enjoying the moment.

Monday, June 15, 2009

Mondays are still never dull

My hubby has been sick for a week. He finally went to the doctor this morning. A nasty sinus infection. So he is on the couch in the living room on antibotics and allergy medicine--all prescribed. He is loopy and sleepy. So there was no grass cutting. He is allergic to fresh cut grass.

So I am on a mission to find juice and soup plus find out if Earth, Wind and Fire has another concert in the area soon. My mom has caught the concert bug. This is shaping up to be a busy week. I am embracing life as a freelancer. I had the last of the fish sticks and mac and cheese for lunch. Brought a real nice cookbook for a $1 at a local consignment shop. Plus the owner is interested in any baby stuff or clothing I have. He said strollers, potty chairs and seats go quick at his story. I'll have to check around the house and at my in-laws.

My ED has been acting up today with the whisperings. Yesterday, I ate a lot of junk and some nutritious stuff. I know my ED would love for me to skip eating today but I am not giving it the satisfaction. Yesterday, I had a great day. And today, it is pretty decent except for the snake and not being able to cut grass. I have been working on a letter to my Ed for my therapist. I'll probably share it soon.

Daily Dose

1. The Librarians at my local library. They rock!!!!

2. Wendy's Frosty

Mondays are never dull

Monday always had a surprise for me. And today it was a snake on the steps. I don't like snakes. I will never kill a snake unless I feel threatened. I felt threatened. Don't worry, he's not dead. Maybe a little deaf because I screamed like someone had attacked me. Then ran back into the house, shut and locked the door. After a few minutes, I went out the back door. No sign of the snake but I have a plan. It is time to cut the grass. My husband doesn't really like for me to cut the grass. I think he is worried that I may pass out or something. The grass has gotten very high so Stella and I are going to cut it. Stella is the name of my lawnmower. She is red feisty little mower so I named her Stella. I love Mondays because it is never a dull day for me.

I am becoming very tech savy. The new camera and photo printer that my hubby brought was given to me to read all the directions and get up and running. I DID it!! It took four hours and a trip to Office Max but I did it. The photos look great. I took a picture of one of the James Dean photos in my room. My husband got it for me for our wedding anniversary two years ago. And while at Office Max, I found this Tol pen for $2.99 that is awesome. It writes sooooooooo smooth. I feel like I am getting my groove back a little. I spent Sunday--reading the newspaper and magazines, eating junk food, napping and watching Hellboy. The boys had a father/son day taking pictures with the new camera. I even work on a list of 25 things about me that I'll post in a few days.

I have started working out a little again. I am trying to stress about my stomach and going with the flow. On a sad note, I found out that a friend I used to work with has been diagnosis with lung cancer. The news caught me off guard. She is such a sweet lady who took good care of us at the paper and the paper itself. It is true that cancer affects each and every one of us.

Daily Dose

1. Appreciating the life you are given

2. Flats--In the last year, I rediscovered the beauty of them.

3. The Tol pen--AWESOME, AWESOME!!!!

4. Stella the lawnmower

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Dancing makes the troubles disappear

Just call me Dancing Queen

It has been a tough week so last night I decided to go out with a few friends. One was D, who works in the meat department and the other S just graduated from high school. I have known her since she was a little girl.

While my husband was working (he’s a window cleaner), he found a good deal on a camera and a printer. So I took plenty of pictures. I got ready to a mix I made of the Black Eyed Peas, The Ting Ting Tings, Lisa Loeb, the Dandy Warhols, Beck and Radiohead. I wore a cute black top, dark denim jeans and some cute heels.

Dinner was at Applebees with a cute waiter and lots of great conversation. Plus, I ran into an old friend from college that I had lost contact with. He’s great photographer with the newspaper in that county. We talked and made plans to catch up more. All in all, a good time. I ordered chicken tenders and fries. S ordered an oriental salad that looked so great that I snapped a picture.

As we headed to the club, we noticed a guy walking in the dark with a gas can. We turned around to give him a lift to the gas station. After satisfying our good samaritan requirement for the night we headed to the club. I talked with the guy, who reminded me of another friend from college that now lives in Virginia. We were so excited to make contact that we texted back and forth until we got to the club. It was ladies’ night where ladies were free.

The club was dead. I mean you could count the people in it. I would say about 75 to 85 people. There was a cover band that played some Bon Jovi and they even did Akon. We sat in what I guess would be VIP type section with booths. We had a blast dancing, people watching and talking. A drunk guy was fascinated with me, which meant I was escorted to and from the bathroom. He seemed nice but these days you can never be to careful. It was an hour’s drive back and I slept the whole way. I still don’t really know how I made it up the steps to the door without tripping on the cat. I took a photo of my hubby goofing around. I danced a little bit on the dancing table.

I used to go out all the time in college. It is nice getting a group together and having some fun. I need to do this more often. Plus, I ate in a social situation without thinking or analyzing it. I just ate and had a good time with my friends.

Daily Dose

1. Dancing the night away

2. Having a good meal

3. Helping a buddy get a guy's number

Friday, June 12, 2009

Dusting myself off

Yesterday, I took time for an oldfashioned mope session. I got it all out of my system somewhat and I am facing the day. Fish sticks and mac and cheese always make a hard day better. I have decided to look for a part time or full time job so I can freelance on the side.

I talked with the editor (who I will call LB) and he was happy. Happy that I could still write for him but sad that I am sad about not getting the jobs. He told me that I could cover the county council since I love government meetings and take over the county economic development beat. Hey, it's not full-time but I get to write. I gave my mother a copy of this week's paper that a ton of stuff I had wrote in it. She was so happy. She is my biggest fan. I could write about the beauty of fish tacos and she would love it.

So far today I have put in applications at the Salvation Army, Walgreens and Rite Aid. For now, I will put off applying to be a server or a cook at a fast food place or restaurant. I don't trust myself around food when I am working. In the past, I was a server at a Quincy's and a country club. The more I am around food, the less I eat.

So this is my plan. Plus, I guess I need to start unpacking. I have been in our house for a year but with being hospitalized, depressed, relapsing big time with my ED and other stuff--I have never really unpacked and went through my stuff. I started doing that yesterday. By the end of the summer, I plan to paint my room and make it look for lived in. I guess I have been hoping to move away and start living. It is time to start living now and make peace with where my life is right now. I have a great husband and son.

Daily Dose

1. I have a kick ass purse and bag collection.

2. Being able to do all the voices when I tell my son the Three Little Pigs.

3.Blue Bunny's Peanut Butter Panic Ice cream--To say it is delicious is the understatement of the year.

4. Watching my son play.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Is something wrong me?

I have applied for more than 200 jobs. I have had a few interviews that I thought were very promising. And here I sat unemployed. I found out yesterday that I didn't get the reporter's position that I really wanted. Of all the jobs that I have applied for, this is the one I wanted.

Today has not been a good day. I am up and dressed. I had some toast this morning but I don't really feel like eating or doing anything. I guess I need to regroup, refocus and figure out what I want to do with my life. Obviously, working full-time at a newspaper is not part of the plan. I did email the managing editor to find out why I wasn't chosen. It will give me something to work with.

I feel like I am trapped in the forest with no way out. But far up ahead, I can see some light. My day will come soon.

My next stop is the grocery store for my favorite comfort food when I am down and out--fish sticks and macaroni and cheese. This always cheers me up. Some fish sticks, some magazines and watching "Pretty in Pink" will make me feel better.

Daily Dose

1. Fish sticks and mac and cheese

2. Hugs from JJ

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Awesome night!!!

I am tired today but it is because of an awesome. My mother and I had a wonderful. I have never seen her up dancing around. We sang, we laughed and we had a great time. And I knew I lot more Earth, Wind & Fire and Chicago songs than I thought. I just didn't know the names. We had pretty good seats. My mom drinks beer. In all my years, I didn't know that she occasionally drank a beer. She did last night. Even though, concert food is expensive. She said she was splurging. We had chicken tenders, fries and chili dogs. I had a coke and bottled water while she drank a beer and had Coke. I was the driver for the evening. The music was soooooo good and vibes were just as good. Last night was what I really needed to help clear my head. So sorry dad, you missed a great concert.

We had such a good time that we are thinking about seeing Miley Cyrus in November. My mom and brother are huge Hannah Montana fans. Hannah helped my mom through cancer and brother says that show along with Wizards of Waverly Place relaxes him after a long day of work. I don't have cable so I'm crime show junkie.

I went to group therapy today. It was nice. There are many days that I feel anxious and depressed about not having a job and not being able to get one. I'm happy that I have made it through to the interview stage. One day, hopefully soon, a job will come.

I also saw Isla. I am 115 pounds. I am weighed once a month. Discussed body image issues. With the summer and more revealing clothes, I feel awful. I am working out some but in some shirts it looks like I am pregnant. I'm not and I know it is because I am gaining weight. It unnerves me so I have covered the mirror back up. Right now, I am trying to keep a schedule, not restrict and not isolate. This is easy because I really don't have any friends here. I mean most people in CCounty know my husband and his family. You want to make friends and be able to confide but I don't feel comfortable. This is why I am looking for work in other places where my last night doesn't lead to the question of Are you such and such's wife, husband or sister-in-law. All in all, a decent day.

1. Seeing a really good concert with a really great mom!

2. Skirts--I'm wearing one today for the first time in years and I'm not anxious.

3. Brand new Oprah magazine for 25 cents.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Getting Ready

I have never heard my mom so excited in my life. Except maybe when her grandchildren were born. She is so excited about the concert. And so am I. My dad called her because he wanted to know if she needed him to go to the concert. She told him no that she was taking me and we were going to have a good time.

On a down note, I found out that I didn't get either editor's job. I bummed but I'll be okay. If it is meant to be then it is meant to be. Anyway, I am looking forward to having a good time tonight with my mom. With the help of my hubby and his buddy, I realized that I know more Earth, Wind & Fire songs than I realize.

The editor I freelance for was sad I didn't get the job but happy that he gets to keep me a little while longer. I think I am going to focus on a part-time job and freelance on the side. This way money is coming in while I continue to freelance, get more samples and not go crazy if I can't write.

And even though I am bummed, I resisted the urge to restrict. I went to Wendy's for a chocolate shake. I left with a sour cream and chives baked potato, a small chili with cheese and a chocolate shake. The old me would have went home, took to the bed and not ate. The recovery me had a late lunch, a newspaper and cleaned the house to Cindi Lauper. Take that ED!!!!!!

Daily Dose

1. Being blessed with a wonderful mother!

2. Chocolate Shakes!

3. Cindi Lauper--She always cheers me up!

Monday, June 8, 2009

Sometimes love means braving traffic!!!

My mother and I didn't always have a good relationship. From the time I was 15 until about 27, we tolerated each other. She played a big part in me moving to Pickle Land eight years ago because I just couldn't deal being around here. Being away from home, getting married, having a child and her being diagnosed with cancer in 2005 helped us build a relationship. Even if we haven't always gotten along, I still respected and loved my mother. She and my grandmother raised my brother and I. Some of my best lessons in life came from her.

I say all this because things aren't going well between my parents. I met my dad for the first time when I was 27. After meeting me, my parents reunited. A few weeks ago, they had a big fight and now live separate from each other. My mom told me not to take sides. But I quietly take the side of the my mother. Anyway, about three months about my mother found out about Earth, Wind & Fire and Chicago being in concert. My mother really only socializes with family. So it was big deal for her to buy front row seats to a concert in Charlotte for her and my dad. Now they are not together and she has two tickets.

She told me today that she wasn't going to the concert and would keep the tickets in her memory box. I don't know much about the groups she wants to see but I know she really wanted to go. So I said I would go. She worked two jobs and went to school to provide for my brother and I. She has went through two rounds of chemo, radiation and had a breast removed. The least I can do is go with her to a concert that will make her beyond happy.

In other news, yesterday my son with fishing with his grandfather and my hubby and I had a movie day of all the movies you can't watch with a three-year-old. Our movie fest ended with Ferris Bueller's Day Off. I love 80s movies and Ferris along with the Brat Pack movies are my fave. Other movies included the X-Men trilogy. It was nice just hanging out.

Saturday night I watched my cousins graduate. It was nice. And it was nice that most of my family was there to see them make this milestone.

This week, I play the waiting game, go to group therapy and see Isla. Well, I gotta get back to four loads of laundry at the laundromat.

Daily Dose

1. Laundry day

2. My mother

3. A Peanut butter and Jelly sandwich washed down with a cold glass of milk

Saturday, June 6, 2009


I do love a graduation. I took pictures of the students graduating from the local high school. They are looking to the future. Tonight, two of my cousins are graduating so today will be a long one. I don't miss high school. It's not the point in time I would go back to visit. Instead I would visit my 20-year-old self. This is when I started to realize I had an eating disorder. I would talk to myself and try to get help.

This week has been exhausting. I am looking forward to some quiet. I guess now is the waiting game. While I wait, I continue to job hunt and try to not stress. Who knows what the future holds for me. But in my immediate future is a country ham biscuit from Bojangles. The cereal I ate for breakfast is loooong gone. I find myself some days eating without thinking and some days I have to remind myself to eat. But at this moment, I actually feel hungry. This doesn't happen every day. It feels weird but I am adjusting to it. I don't think I will ever have an easy relationship with food.

Last night, I went to an organizational meeting for Habitat for Humanity. I really hope the people in the room follow through on it. It is a very worthwhile organization. The meeting took place in a barbecue restaurant with huge buffet. I hate buffets because there is so much pressure. Usually, I tell people that I have either already ate or will eat later. I stood in line and fixed a plate. I had fried fish, baked beans, a baked potato, two chicken nuggets and some green beans. I was very proud of myself. If I become editor of the newspaper, social eating will become a way of life for me.

Daily Dose

1. Finding a great LL Bean backpack at a yard sale for $2. This backpack is nice.

2. Country ham biscuits from Bojangles. Salty but delicious.

3. Wifi at the library. Best. Thing. Ever!

Friday, June 5, 2009

A busy Silly Girl

It has been awhile since I posted. I have been busy writing, being a Mom and interviewing for two editor's positions.

The interview process was four hours long and involved five people. I arrived twenty minutes early to be interviewed by the regional editor JB. He asked some tough questions but I was prepared. I have given a lot of thought about becoming an editor of a newspaper. It will not be easy but I feel I am up for the challenge. Ed position #1 is at twice a week paper with a staff of two writers and copy editor. Ed position #2 is at a weekly where I would be the sole writer and editor along with some freelance writers. There would be no layout and design. This is taken care of at the daily paper. I would love to have position #2 because I am not good at giving orders. Both jobs are multimedia based with posting to the website and using a video camera. Overall, it I got a position at either paper--it would be an excellent learning experience. Both are relatively close to home. Ed position #1 is 45 minutes away. Ed position #2 is an hour and half away. Hopefully, I will know something soon.

I was also interviewed by the current editor of position #1. Excellent benefits package. I'll keep you posted with the results.

I have been swamped with assignments and stuff. Today, interviewed a town clerk and tonight is an organizational meeting for bring Habitat for Humanity to the county. Tomorrow, I take pictures at a graduation and later that evening attend the high school graduation of my cousins. I am staying busy which keeps me from dwelling on things and stressing out.

Still haven't heard from the reporter's position I interviewed for last month. I have heard that the newspaper let another reporter go so the paper is now has two positions opened. Very interesting!!!

Daily Dose:

1. A cheeseburger and fries washed down with a chocolate shake.

2. Receiving the lastest magazine in the mail.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

ABC of being Me

Today, my son and I have worked on the alphabet. So while he was napping, I worked on the ABC of Silly Girl. It was kind of fun and relaxing.

A is for APPLES: I am rediscovering them with the help of my son.
B is for BIRTHDAY: October 12, 1973—Some years my birthday is a holiday.
C is for CRUSHING ON: JJ Abrams—love my nerdy cute guys
D is for the last thing I DRANK: Orange soda
E is for the EASIEST PERSON TO TALK TO: Dream Diva
F is for my FAVORITE SONG: Talk by Coldplay—This song always makes me dance!
G is for GREEN: My favorite color.
H is for HOMETOWN: I was born in a small town in South Carolina. Vowed never to go back and don’t go much.
I is for IN LOVE WITH: my hubby
J is for the letter that starts the names of my husband, my son and I.
K is for KRISPY KREME doughnuts—especially just out of the oven.
L is for the LONGEST MOVIE—Traffic with Catherine Zeta Jones—Good movie but long!!!
M is for MILKSHAKE FLAVOR: Chocolate
N is for the NUMBER OF SIBLINGS: Three brothers and two sisters
O is for ONE WISH: No one should go to bed hungry.
P is for the PERSON I CALLED: My mother
Ris for a REASON TO SMILE: I am writing a lot more.
S is for the SONG I LAST HEARD: Boom Boom Pow by the Black Eyed Peas—My son loves this song.
Tis for the TIME I WOKE UP: 7:15 a.m to to get dress and drive to a meeting.
U is for UNDER GOING THERAPY to help me recover from my ED
V is for my favorite VEGETABLE(S): I love teriyaki broccoli
W is for my WORST FEAR: Not being able to get a handle on my ED
X is for the number of X-RAYS I’VE HAD: two
Y is for YOYOS ARE: so cool but I have always had trouble with them.
Z is for the ZODIAC SIGN: Libra

Savior of turtles

Since I have moved back. I have noticed that there are lot of turtles that need rescuing in the road. I guess I am the patron saint of them. So I try to save them. I can't save them all. But I do have rules. If it is safe to pull over, I do it. If there is an 18 wheeler behind me, I say a little prayer for the turtle. If it is storming or unsafe conditions, I say a little prayer.

I went to the county council meeting this morning. It was the shortest meeting that I have ever covered. It was less than 30 minutes. It took me longer to get up, get myself and JJ ready and drive to the meeting site. So since I have somewhat of a free day, I am job searching and researching some stuff.

I feel I am in a semi-good spot right now. Things aren't too bad but not too good either.

Daily Dose

1. A really good chicken salad sandwich

2. The color green--It soothes and relaxes me.

3. My hubby for sneaking a bag of M&M in my bag with a good luck note on it.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009


I have learned that routine is the best thing for me. It keeps me from getting to anxious. With that said, my husband and I have figured out a schedule around my freelancing and my husband's business and family committments. For example, today JJ is with me while I blog, run errand and etc. While I am writing, he is watching one of his favorite cartoons Dinosaur King.

Tonight, I have a town board meeting to cover and my son and hubby will do their own thing. Tomorrow morning is a county commissioner meeting. So it is give and take. I am nervous about Thursday but I am ready. I looked over some newspapers for the area so I could be a feel for the position.

Monday, June 1, 2009

No rest for the busy

It has been a long time since I felt like I have worked. The past few days have been busy with several writing assignments. Saturday started with mentoring program and ended with a NAACP banquet. By Sunday at 4:30 p.m., I had written four articles with photos and cutlines. I mailed it all by 5 p.m.

My husband and son were supportive by watching cartoons and staying out my way. With all that done, we went for a Sunday evening drive. I have an interview with a newspaper on Thursday and wanted to pick up a few copies of the paper so we went to the town and got some. It was a nice drive complete with singing to radio and good conversation. At the convenience store, my son got cigarette stick candies with Captain America tattoos and I got teriyaki chicken wings. All in all a good evening. Last night, I watched Spy Kids with my son. It was nice little movie.

And late Saturday night, I met my hubby and an old friend at restaurant near our house to sing karaoke. Actually she sung while my hubby and I watched. She sings good and we don’t. I can do karaoke as long as she is not around. She’s that good. Us and other friends all agreed that she sings, we watch and all is good.

Today, I am doing a story on the summer reading program. So it’s no rest for the tired but happy to be back in the game sort of. It is suppose to be hot today. Summer is almost here folks.

I love the photo because my son is trying to be Hercules or something.

Daily Dose

1. Kit the kitten

2. Teriyaki chicken wings

3. Libraries lovely Libraries

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