Skip to main content

List making keeps the demon away

For most of my life, I have had lists. I keep a list of all the books I want to read. I keep a list of the magazines I get each month. I have notes full of story ideas with list to keep them in order. These lists calm me when things are out of control.

Once for a brief time, I kept a list of things I ate in a day. This is the only list that has ever made me more anxious. Lists have been the key for my survival through the years. Last August, I made a list of why I should live. These things I have a list called Things I must do to make it through each day. I found it in my journal last night. I made it on New Year's Eve. Here it is with explanations about the items

Things I Must do to Make it Through Each Day

1. Wake up each day by 10 am.--This is so I want sleep the day away.
2. Bathe and get dressed.--This is so I will not stay in my pajamas.
3. Each something.--I usually eat cereal, cheese toast or something.
4. Prepare a list of things to accomplish for each day.
5. Go to the library and make human contact with someone.

I do all of these steps everyday. This list will change once I find a job. Other list I have is my Rules for Recovery. Item one is never drank alone. The top of our fridge is full of various liquors and inside is some beers. These are when my hubby has friends come over. A lot of my uncles were alcoholics or had problems with alcohol. In my case, I think drinking alone will lead to major trouble. I don't thing alcoholism and anorexia should mix.

Item two is not to stifle my feelings. I try to meet my emotions and issues head on. There are days I want to stay in the bed under the covers. To deal with that feeling, I started freelancing because it gets me out of bed and gives me a purpose.

Item three is to do something constructive when thoughts of restricting occurs. I journal, blog or talk to my hubby or a friend. Anything to mute ED's voice.

Item four is to be as positive as possible. This is not easy but I try hard to do it. Today started with the best of intentions. I have a chamber banquet to cover tonight. Mingling and networking plus I get to write. I got my hair to look pretty decent today despite the humidity. And a photo studio that I filled out an application for called. The manager asked me preliminary questions. I think I did good. She said she had more applications to look over but she would call me back if she wanted me to come in for an interview. I felt good. Then I got into my car.

My car isn't acting right. My hubby is in a mood because his mom has to go in for two days of testing to determine how far the cancer has spread. I asked him but he was preoccupied. If repairs are needed,then I will have to tap into the freelance fund. Money is tight. My unemployment check has been cut by $50. I am worried that I will not find a job. Each day, I feel I move closer and closer to working in fast food or a resturant. This scares me because I don't know if I can handle being around food like this. But I need a job and if they have benefits then I will have to take it a step at a time. I am trying to remain positive but it is hard.

I am so glad that I have the ability to write. It helps to get these thoughts out of my head.

Daily Dose

1. Listmaking

2. Having a bowl of potato soup for lunch with lots of cheese and bacon.

3. Having faith that things will work out.

Comments

  1. I'm a big fan of making lists too. There are times when I've wondered if it's "healthy" to be so structured, but I'm tired of criticizing every little thing I do. The fact is that I LIKE lists. They make me feel successful :) They're motivating too, like yours :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Sometimes I wish I could actually commit lists to paper; I make them in my head all the time but I don't seem to write them down to sort them out, and it just succeeds in driving me crazy. So, no, I don't think list-making has to be a "bad" thing at all!

    I'm sorry you're having these difficulties... I know it doesn't mean much to just SAY, but I really do hope things get better for you soon.

    <3 <3

    ReplyDelete
  3. good work on the alcohol. i know from experience -- anorexia and alcoholism don't mix well! in fact, neither mixes well with anything.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Stopping ED from gaining

One of the hardest things I had to ever do was to explain my ED to my 11-year-old son. His father had talked to him about it, which I have an issue with  because it is my story and not his. But I have tried to move beyond that.

Anyway, a few weeks I talked to him about it and explained it as best I could. I told him how he is my inspiration to stay in recovery. I know he needs his mom to be healthy to help handle growing up.
One thing I told him was that my relationship with food is not like his relationship. And there will always be a struggle for me. I take it one meal at a time.
I kept all of this in mind when I went to the doctor yesterday to ask for help. In the past three months, my appetite has disappeared. I eat because I don’t want to pass out or to be hospitalized. It hasn’t been easy. I could have let ED win when I realized what was happening. I have only lost 11 pounds. To some this is not much weight but to me it is.
The old me would have been happy about it. The recovering…

Spending time with my son

Memorial Day is always special for me as a reporter and a person. It is a chance to recognize who gave their life so I and others can have the freedom we have. 
Normally, I work and get to take Memorial Day holiday on another day. This year, I got a double bonus. 




I got to spend the long weekend with my son. Things some how worked that my son’s aunt met me halfway and JJ was able to spend three days in Pickle Land with me. He had a chance to see me working and spend quality time together.

JJ is now 11. He is squarely in the pre-teen world. His voice is changing along with other things. My baby is growing up and it scares me. He got to see my new teeth and loved them. He said it was nice to see me so happy. 
We had a chance to talk and just spend some time together. And in two weeks, he returns for a two week involving my week long vacation and a bunch of day camps. It has been a good few days.
The other part is my Memorial Day weekend is this weekend. I'm going to the Lake to hang with…

Adventures at Librari-Con with Samurai Batman

Recently, JJ and I made our second journey to the 11th annual Librari-Con at the Cumberland County Public Library in Fayetteville.  This is an annual anime/graphic novel/sci-fi mini convention that featured anime viewing, panels forums, Artist Alley, Cosplay Runway and more.
What made this event super awesome was the fact that the library was opened at the same time of the event.
For a year, JJ had talked about having a costume after not being able to wear one last year. He was a Samurai Batman.
Apparently, JJ had a growth spurt in the last few weeks so there was struggle getting him into his costume, but a little pulling, binder clips and prayer got the costume on him.

I decided to go as my favorite thing – a mother/photographer/bodyguard/book nerd wearing a Wonder Woman shirt.
JJ decided to add his own special touch to it with a trident and a Flash mask for me. I’m not sure what I was supposed to have been but I played along until lunchtime.
For the first hour, he played free video game…