Thursday, June 18, 2009

List making keeps the demon away

For most of my life, I have had lists. I keep a list of all the books I want to read. I keep a list of the magazines I get each month. I have notes full of story ideas with list to keep them in order. These lists calm me when things are out of control.

Once for a brief time, I kept a list of things I ate in a day. This is the only list that has ever made me more anxious. Lists have been the key for my survival through the years. Last August, I made a list of why I should live. These things I have a list called Things I must do to make it through each day. I found it in my journal last night. I made it on New Year's Eve. Here it is with explanations about the items

Things I Must do to Make it Through Each Day

1. Wake up each day by 10 am.--This is so I want sleep the day away.
2. Bathe and get dressed.--This is so I will not stay in my pajamas.
3. Each something.--I usually eat cereal, cheese toast or something.
4. Prepare a list of things to accomplish for each day.
5. Go to the library and make human contact with someone.

I do all of these steps everyday. This list will change once I find a job. Other list I have is my Rules for Recovery. Item one is never drank alone. The top of our fridge is full of various liquors and inside is some beers. These are when my hubby has friends come over. A lot of my uncles were alcoholics or had problems with alcohol. In my case, I think drinking alone will lead to major trouble. I don't thing alcoholism and anorexia should mix.

Item two is not to stifle my feelings. I try to meet my emotions and issues head on. There are days I want to stay in the bed under the covers. To deal with that feeling, I started freelancing because it gets me out of bed and gives me a purpose.

Item three is to do something constructive when thoughts of restricting occurs. I journal, blog or talk to my hubby or a friend. Anything to mute ED's voice.

Item four is to be as positive as possible. This is not easy but I try hard to do it. Today started with the best of intentions. I have a chamber banquet to cover tonight. Mingling and networking plus I get to write. I got my hair to look pretty decent today despite the humidity. And a photo studio that I filled out an application for called. The manager asked me preliminary questions. I think I did good. She said she had more applications to look over but she would call me back if she wanted me to come in for an interview. I felt good. Then I got into my car.

My car isn't acting right. My hubby is in a mood because his mom has to go in for two days of testing to determine how far the cancer has spread. I asked him but he was preoccupied. If repairs are needed,then I will have to tap into the freelance fund. Money is tight. My unemployment check has been cut by $50. I am worried that I will not find a job. Each day, I feel I move closer and closer to working in fast food or a resturant. This scares me because I don't know if I can handle being around food like this. But I need a job and if they have benefits then I will have to take it a step at a time. I am trying to remain positive but it is hard.

I am so glad that I have the ability to write. It helps to get these thoughts out of my head.

Daily Dose

1. Listmaking

2. Having a bowl of potato soup for lunch with lots of cheese and bacon.

3. Having faith that things will work out.

3 comments:

  1. I'm a big fan of making lists too. There are times when I've wondered if it's "healthy" to be so structured, but I'm tired of criticizing every little thing I do. The fact is that I LIKE lists. They make me feel successful :) They're motivating too, like yours :)

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  2. Sometimes I wish I could actually commit lists to paper; I make them in my head all the time but I don't seem to write them down to sort them out, and it just succeeds in driving me crazy. So, no, I don't think list-making has to be a "bad" thing at all!

    I'm sorry you're having these difficulties... I know it doesn't mean much to just SAY, but I really do hope things get better for you soon.

    <3 <3

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  3. good work on the alcohol. i know from experience -- anorexia and alcoholism don't mix well! in fact, neither mixes well with anything.

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