NotesFromtheVoices

It has rained all day. I expect Noah to show up any minute. Today has been a bad day. There is no other way to say it. i need to vent or otherwise I might hurt someone so I vent. I started my new beat on Monday. Education is important but I hate it. There is nothing to balance it out plus I hate it. I took this at the circus last week. On days like this, I want to run away and join the circus. This little girl was amazing. In life, we should have one major life change every other year. I have had major life changes three years back to back. I am still dealing with my mother's death as best I can. My job is my sanctuary. I expected to return to it and get back to a routine. Instead I am having to adjust to life without my mother and learned about three additional school systems. Some days, I want to take to the bed and cry. For the first time since I was hired, I hate my job. Hate it. I have told myself I will give this new arrangement six months. If I still don't feel lik...

I am back in the swing of things. With my job, all the beats have changed some. Mine completely. I am now the education reporter with four school districts and a college. I will admit I'm not thrilled about it. But I am lucky to have a job and it's will be a new challenge. So here I am. I start seeing a counselor next week. I would be lying if I said I am completely okay. But I am doing pretty decent. Grey's Anatomy returned last night and it was awesome. Tomorrow, I am headed to Pickle Land to visit my friends and just relax. My new beat starts Monday so I am trying to chill and rest. I found my chocolate peanut butter bugles at Wally World. I got the last bag so now I am watching The Soup and munching down. Daily Dose 1. Grey's Anatomy is back! 2. So is Criminal Minds even though it scared me. 3. My birthday is coming up soon.

 It was my weekend off but I volunteered to help cover a barbecue cook off. I'm glad I went because otherwise I would have probably stayed in bed all day. It was nice being out in an open field with barbecue being cooked, a train for the kids, plenty of people and decent music. I had a good time. I was doing what I love while not wallowing in bed. I am glad I went back to work this week because I needed to it. My beat is being changed from the county I love to cover to education. I don't like change but I don't want to be unemployed either. As Tim Gunn on Project Runway says "make it work." I'll have to this. Annamarie from * f a k e . f a d i n g . m e m o r i e s * asked a question about if my son knows that his grandmother has died. He knows a little too well. His Memaw died and his other grandma is dying of lung cancer. My husband and I explained it to him. He took it well for a 4-year-old. At the funeral, JJ and I were seated beside my crazy aunt....

I am home where I belong. The last few days have been very tough. Death brings out the ugly in people. I feel so lost. I am so used to calling my mother during the day and when I get off from work. I can only imagine how my brother must feel. He was so upset at funeral. It made my heart ache to see him cry so hard. With everything going on, I am exhausted. I would have taken a few days off but I am tapped out of vacation and sick time. So I am back at work doing what I do best. I have received so many cards and phone calls from people that I report about. It tells me I'm doing okay up here. We had an open casket for my mother so the people she worked with could have a viewing. My brother  said he couldn't do the viewing with all the people. The family wasn't required to be there but I wanted to meet some of the people that knew her. My mother was well beloved. So many people told me stories about her and a how great she was. It was nice to know others knew how great sh...

My mother died yesterday at 8:35 a.m. It feels so surreal. I can't believe she is gone. She is at peace with no pain. I miss her so much that it just hurts. The hospice nurses were a little freaked that I was all alone when she died. I admit I had a good cry before getting the nurse. The last few months have been hectic and crazy. I don't regret any of it. I was there for her and did the best I could. I held her hand and told her I loved her as she took her final breath. I was glad I was there for her. I miss her so much. Today, I planned my mother's funeral with my brother and two of her sisters. It was quite an experience that I hope never to do again. But I did learn some fascinating things. First, caskets are very expensive but comfortable. I have always wondered if they were comfortable. I tested the theory by climbing into one. My brother was mortified. We are paying $1,800 for it. I wanted to make sure my mother would be comfortable. Another thing I learned is th...

The last few days have been pretty stressful.  So when  Frugalista  at becauseeverybodyhasastory.blogspot.com   tagged me to answer eight questions and create eight questions of my own to pass on to  my eight favorite bloggers, I decided to do it.  I say a big thanks to her. It was just the thing I needed to cheer myself up a little. Her questions were: 1. If you could have one wish granted what would it be?   My mother and my mother-in-law would be healed from the cancer. And I could spend a little more time with them . 2.  Do people in your real life know about your blog or do you keep it to yourself? For the most part, I keep it to myself. I have very few things of my own and my blog means the world to me. 3.  If you could change one part of your body or appearance what would it be? I would like to get my teeth fixed so I can smile freely without being embarrassed. 4.  If you became a billionaire, would you qu...

Things are sad, tense and scary right now. My mom is trying to fight but the end is very near. Today, was a day Jerry Springer would be proud of. My crazy aunt L decided to show her ass. I feel as though it is my fault. I wanted to allow family members a chance to say their goodbyes. My aunt L is in serious denial. And honestly, she is the mayor and police chief of Crazytown. She arrived and tried to mess with my mother's IV. She upset the nurses, my aunt Em and my mother's minister. It got so bad that my brother, who had went home to nap, had to return to the hospital and involve the police. It got bad. So I know the funeral is going to be awful. Death brings out the ugly. I get the saying of death be not pretty. My family is worried about me and trying to make sure I eat. ED isn't talking. I just don't have an appetite. But I am trying. The elevators at this hospital are mirrored so I see my reflection coming and going. It does not look good. I ate some of my lunc...

The last few days have been an emotional rollercoaster. My mom is quite a fighter. I love her deeply. I have played hostess to several family members, friends and others who have come to visit her. It is quite tiring but I am doing pretty good for a social hermit.  Today, my mom started out kind of alert. She is awake somewhat and can say a few words. But she is no longer eating or drinking anything. She got really anxious and had to be given something. My brother and I were told her time is slowly ending. We both took as well as two people could take it. Right now, I am watching her sleep. She is having trouble breathing. I know things are not good. The hospice folks are starting to focus a lot of attention on me. I overheard my brother tell the nurse that he worries about me being here when the time comes. I don't know what I would do if I couldn't write about all of this and get it out. I realize something today. I have never had to plan a funeral or worry about this s...

I went home for a few days. But I got call to return to the hospital. My mother is dying and not expected to live. Her breathing has stopped twice this week with the nurses working hard to bring her back. My brother and I (who resolved our differences) had to make the decision to put her on a ventilator or sign a do not resituation. In the beginning, he wanted the ventilator until he saw firsthand what the nurses had to do to bring her back. He signed the paperwork yesterday. We decided to let her go naturally. I arrived after a 4.5 hour drive. The best time I ever drove. I took a different route. Anyway, I was worried if she would recognize me and if I would get to say goodbye. But how do you say goodbye to person who helped make you who you are? My mom wasn't the hugging type but I knew she loved me. She worked two jobs and went to a technical college to get a good paying job to support my brother and I. She is my hero. She didn't graduate from high school but she is the ...