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She is at peace

My mother died yesterday at 8:35 a.m. It feels so surreal. I can't believe she is gone. She is at peace with no pain. I miss her so much that it just hurts.

The hospice nurses were a little freaked that I was all alone when she died. I admit I had a good cry before getting the nurse. The last few months have been hectic and crazy. I don't regret any of it. I was there for her and did the best I could.

I held her hand and told her I loved her as she took her final breath. I was glad I was there for her. I miss her so much. Today, I planned my mother's funeral with my brother and two of her sisters. It was quite an experience that I hope never to do again. But I did learn some fascinating things. First, caskets are very expensive but comfortable. I have always wondered if they were comfortable. I tested the theory by climbing into one. My brother was mortified. We are paying $1,800 for it. I wanted to make sure my mother would be comfortable. Another thing I learned is that my mother was a buffer for me with my family. I have never actually had to really deal with them. It is quite overwhelming and exhausting.

After such craziness, I went to see the one person who would make me happy--my JJ. I forgot my camera so I didn't get a picture of him getting on the bus. Last night, I made us chicken wraps and watched the Incredible Hulk.

Then I read him a story and we got ready for bed. I love my son but he is a crazy sleeper. He kicks and moves a lot. But it was worth. I got him ready for school. He is not a morning person. It was nice spending time with him. Hopefully, I will be able to do this a lot more.

I am ready to go home. I need to get back to my space so I can grieve properly. For the next few days, I will be sleeping in my mom's room at my aunt's house. I still expect her to walk around the corner and say--"Jackie, you are taking too much space in the bed."

I am procrastinating because I have to write the obit for the newspaper and for the funeral. The joy of being the writer in the family.

Daily Dose

1. Spending time with JJ.

2. Eating chicken on a stick in a gas station Chinese restaurant with my family after planning my mom's funeral.

3. Learning after all these weeks of stress that I am still at a healthy weight.


  1. So sorry you lost your mom. I think it's great that you were there with her in her last moments. I can't even imagine your pain but just by reading your blog I know you are strong. Hope your family doesn't go beserk.

  2. I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm glad you could be there with her to say goodbye though. What love she must have felt in those last moments. I'm glad you have stayed healthy through all of this. What a trying time... Thinking of you.

  3. I am very sorry to read your sad news.
    I understand the pain of losing your Mother.
    Take care and keep on loving your beautiful son.

    Be well
    Big love to you
    x Robyn

  4. Honey I'm so sorry for your loss. You are the strongest person I know (trying out the casket??)and you should now give yourself time to mourn properly, at your own speed.

    I will be here for you, please remember that.

    lots of hugs,

  5. I know that words are pretty inadequate right now, but just know that I'm thinking of you. I hope you get some time out to just process and relax because I know that things can be pretty hectic and stressful around this time too. xx

  6. Oh, I am so sorry. Try to remember your mom is now at peace and with God. I wish I knew what more to say ... You are such a strong person. Please keep well and know that I am here for you.



  7. Sorry for your loss. Glad your mom is comfortably resting. So glad she had you at her side when she passed.

    Thinking of you.

  8. Oh God, I'm so sorry :( its horrible when you lose someone you love! But you seem to be handling it well, and now she's in a better place and isn't in any pain. I'm glad you aren't beating yourself up, because you seemed to be there for her alot so you did really well! :) I hope the funeral goes well
    I wish you the best :)

  9. You've been a wonderful daughter, and she knew that. You shared love, some people never do or can.


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