Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Bittersweet Christmas

For a month, I have dreamed about spending a week here in RR with my son. It is hard planning ahead with stories when you work at a daily newspaper. But I did.

All I had to do was drive down Christmas and bring him back on Christmas Day. I was informed by his father that the plan for JJ was not adequate enough and he wasn’t allowing JJ to come. To say, I was disappointed was an understatement.

I have come a long way with my mental and ED issues. I have worked so hard, did therapy and take my meds. 
But then something like this happens to make you realize one thing. It is okay to accept my child support money but not okay for me to care of my own child for a week.

It is okay for me to pay the cell phone bill for the three of us and make sure JJ has health insurance. But I am still too crazy to actually care for my son. At least, I am sane enough to make money.
I mean it is okay if his dad is here at my apartment, eating my food and using my utilities while JJ and I do stuff together. 

It sucks and I am pissed. I had worked hard to keep JJ from finding out about the trip so if things went south, he wouldn’t be dispppointed. Someone else told him and I had to comfort  a very upset seven-year-old. It broke my heart to see him crying. 
For him, it was the worst Christmas ever. I had to remind him that it wasn’t. The worst Christmas would be if we were not able to see each other. Plus, I told him there are mommies and daddies whose children are not alive.

He soon realized how fortunate he was but he still said it sucked. I agreed. After working so hard, I am exhausted. With all of my planning, I will be off from work Dec. 30 to Jan. 4. I could go back and spend this time with JJ but I am sick of being the one who has to travel five hours all the time. I will make a decision in the next few days. Right now, I am just nursing a broken heart.


1. Being able to spend some time with JJ at Christmas!

2. Having vacation time during the first week of the new year!

3. A possible movie date this weekend!

Friday, December 21, 2012

The countdown has begun

In three days, I will heading down to SC on Christmas. I feel like a little kid waiting for Santa. I am so excited but nervous. 

For most of this month, I have worked so crazy hours and did a lot of brainstorming so I could have a stockpile of stories so JJ wouldn’t have to live here at the newspaper with me. I have done a lot of interviews and photo taking so all I have to do is write the stories and be on merry way with the little guy. 

There is an awful cold going around the newsroom so I have avoided people like the plague. There is nothing worst than driving five hours when you feel like death. I don’t want to be sick and I certainly do want JJ to be sick.

I hope I don’t sound silly about being so excited. I get to spend a week with JJ by myself.

The last few weeks have been rough. ED  has tried to rear her ugly head. Yesterday after talking with doctor, I am going to switch from remeron to prozac. For about six months, I have been anxious while taking the medication. So much that my Seroquel dosage had to be up. It has gotten to the point where I am taking one medication to control the anxiety of another. 

So it I have been easing into this because I don’t want anything to get in the way of JJ and I being there. If Christmas goes well, and I think it will, I am going to aim for spring break. This time, I will take the entire week off so we can do all kinds of things together. 

Currently, I have 117 hours of vacation time. It is time I start using it.

Daily Dose
1. Enjoying holiday goodies while being mindful!
2. Spinach dip made with water chestnuts
3. Three days until I see JJ!

Monday, December 17, 2012

Excitement is brewing

Funny faces while decorating the tree.

I am so excited  because in more than a week I will see my son for Christmas. I  can hardly stand it. He is just excited except he is thinking about Christmas and Santa.

In eight days, I will go to SC to pick him up and bring him to RR with me for a week. To say, I am excited, it is the understatement of the year. I have planned a loose agenda for us because I still have to work while he is here. My boss was sweet to let me set up the spare room in our newsroom as a spot for JJ.

Fun at the Tot Park.

He will have his own space with a computer, note pad and other items to keep him occupied. And he will go out on several assignments so he can see what Mommy does when he is not around. I wanted him to see so he doesn't think I am just enjoying the good life without him.

It is hard talking to him on the phone because I want to blurt out that he is coming to see me. A recent conversation went like this:

Me: So what do you want for Christmas from me?
JJ: Honestly, I would love to come to RR to see you. I need a vacation. First grade is tough.
Me: Really? RR is kind of boring.
JJ: It's not boring with you there Mommy.

I am still amazed at how much he loves me. There are times I feel like the worst mom ever. But I know there is a sweet seven-year-old in SC who thinks I am awesome. I love my little guy. I wouldn't trade him for anything in the world.

Celebrating Christmas early.

1. Homemade chocolate bon bons made by a co-worker

2. Being able to see my bed after cleaning all of the junk off of it.

3. Countdown to JJ time has begun.

Saturday, December 8, 2012

Music keeps me sane

I love music. There is always a song in my head. 

I don’t sing out loud because I’m a bad singer. The type of voice that would make dogs howl. But it doesn’t stop me from singing in the shower or car.

In life, there are milestones that we hit. I hit one this morning where I don’t care if others know what my music choices are. For instance, I am not a big Justin Bieber person but I love his song, “As Long as You Love Me.” I was singing it loud and proud in my car this morning. 

And when I turned into the parking lot at work, I didn’t turn it down or off. I just kept singing. I love music and if it is song I like, I am going to play it.

I have been moving toward this milestone all year. The songs on my iTunes at work range from Taylor Swift and Lil Wayne to Dave Matthews and Coldplay.
One of co-workers was getting something off of my desktop and noticed my iTunes opened. He was surprised to see Metallic. What can I say I am woman who loves her rock music.

I still make mix cds with different playlists on them for my 5-minute commute and whenever I am out on assignment. The play lists are named according to my many moods. There cds with titles like Birthday Music, Roadtrip, JJ’s music and more. And each song on the cd was picked for a reason.

We need to take a moment of silence for my longtime cd player, which stopped working on me last night. The player has followed on various moves to different places. Last night after playing Locked Out of Heaven by Bruno Mars, it stopped playing. He has been a good faithful friend beside by bed. He will be missed and replaced soon. 

I gotta have my music.

1. Continuing making through the Days of Christmas!
2. Spicy Sweet chili Doritos
3. Don't have to work until Tuesday! YAY!!!!

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

My life in numbers

Of late, I feel like my life can be summed up in numbers.

I’ll go simple with the numbers-- 260, 7 and 19.
By the end of this year, there will have been 260 newspapers printed. I probably have stories in 250 of them. This is a reason I am so freaking tired.

The number seven belong to James Edward who turned that age recently. I still can’t believe that I have a seven-year-old child who is almost as tall as I am. Crazy!

And 19 is the number of days before I will see James Edward again and bring him to RR for some R & R here. Of course, I am so excited I could pop. I miss my little big guy.

The last few weeks have been rough. I made a change in my medication, which has resulted in somewhat of a weight loss and lack o f appetite. I asked to be taken off the remeron. While it helps with the depression, it makes me anxious. This would mean an increase in seroquel to balance this. I couldn't handle it. I went back on  remeron in 2010 and there hasn't been too many anxious free days.  I have a doctor's appointment later this month to put me on a new medication. 

1. Moments of laughter throughout the day!
2. Being able to watch a Criminal Minds marathon without having nightmares later!
3. Not being as tired as I was in November.

Happy New Year!!!!

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