Bittersweet Christmas

-

For a month, I have dreamed about spending a week here in RR with my son. It is hard planning ahead with stories when you work at a daily newspaper. But I did.

All I had to do was drive down Christmas and bring him back on Christmas Day. I was informed by his father that the plan for JJ was not adequate enough and he wasn’t allowing JJ to come. To say, I was disappointed was an understatement.

I have come a long way with my mental and ED issues. I have worked so hard, did therapy and take my meds. 
But then something like this happens to make you realize one thing. It is okay to accept my child support money but not okay for me to care of my own child for a week.

It is okay for me to pay the cell phone bill for the three of us and make sure JJ has health insurance. But I am still too crazy to actually care for my son. At least, I am sane enough to make money.
I mean it is okay if his dad is here at my apartment, eating my food and using my utilities while JJ and I do stuff together. 

It sucks and I am pissed. I had worked hard to keep JJ from finding out about the trip so if things went south, he wouldn’t be dispppointed. Someone else told him and I had to comfort  a very upset seven-year-old. It broke my heart to see him crying. 
For him, it was the worst Christmas ever. I had to remind him that it wasn’t. The worst Christmas would be if we were not able to see each other. Plus, I told him there are mommies and daddies whose children are not alive.

He soon realized how fortunate he was but he still said it sucked. I agreed. After working so hard, I am exhausted. With all of my planning, I will be off from work Dec. 30 to Jan. 4. I could go back and spend this time with JJ but I am sick of being the one who has to travel five hours all the time. I will make a decision in the next few days. Right now, I am just nursing a broken heart.

DAILY DOSE

1. Being able to spend some time with JJ at Christmas!

2. Having vacation time during the first week of the new year!

3. A possible movie date this weekend!


Comments

  1. Cece @Mahogany DriveDecember 26, 2012 at 3:21 PM

    I'm so sorry that the plans didn't pan out. It doesn't sound fair at all but I guess you have to make the best of it. Hope you do get to see him again soon.

    ReplyDelete
  2. UnknownDecember 26, 2012 at 5:28 PM

    I'm so sorry, for both of you. I'm surprised you're not a part of the Men's Rights Movement. The damage done to children by careless and corrupt family courts, is a HUGE part of what we fight against. Visitation enforcement is all but nonexistent, because non-custodial parents are viewed as nothing more than walking wallets, not as integral parts of their children's lives.

    There is a fast-growing group of (mostly) men out there, fighting on your behalf.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Sia JaneDecember 28, 2012 at 12:58 PM

    I am so proud of you for actually being able to articulate this difficult time and to also list the gratitude you have felt over this time.
    That is a real strength and one you should be really proud of <3

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Stopping a downward spiral

-
In the past, my birthday has always been a trigger for me to relapse or get anxious. But for the past two years, my birthday has been my birthday. A day to celebrate my birth.  Around Thanksgiving, I started feeling different. December was just a month of misery. I now realize that my meds had stopped working. So here I stand at a crossroad--I can increase the dosage and continue on my merry way or not. Remeron not only stabilizes my mood but gives me an appetite.  I haven't had one since Thanksgiving. I eat based on time. If it is 7:15 a.m., it is breakfast. By noon, I must eat lunch and dinner between 6 and 7 p.m. If I increased the dosage, the appetite comes back for awhile  but I will gain more weight. This is why I was taking Seroquel to help with anxiety.  I don't think there is a enough Seroquel in the world to deal with my anxiety. And while my therapist is being helpful, he admitted this is beyond him. So we are looking for a therapist outside of the area...
Read more

Disturbance in the world of Jack

-
Let me start by saying that I am okay. And considering the way crime is in RR, it could have been a lot worst. I keep odd hours. I can leave for work at 7:30 a.m. and sometimes I don't come home until 8 or 9 p.m.  Last Friday night, I actually got done early at 5 p.m. and went to the grocery store. While at the store, I debated canned peas or frozen peas (very important later). I ended up with canned ones because the frozen brand I like was not at Food Lion. I drive home in a fairly decent mood because I will be home before 6:30 p.m. and can watch the news. I live on a street with lots of duplexes and kids. The road running parallel to my street is very busy, no sidewalks and no street lights. People walking tend to walk in people's yards so they don't get hit by a car. Plus, pedestrians and bikers in RR, don't wear light colored clothes at night. This puts them at serious risk for injury. This is a personal pet peeve of mine.  I pull into my driveway, park in front...
Read more

RR is alive with the sounds of music

-
Music is key in my life. I don’t know what I would do without it. As a teenager, I loved to make mixtapes for friends and families. And now, I love making mix cds to listen to on long road trips home or when I am out covering NH county. I guess along with pens, magazines and libraries, music is my thing. Most of the time, when I am writing, I like to listen to music. My favorite thing is to turn on Itunes radio and just listen to various songs. It is how I discover musicians like Evans Blue or Sia. It is one thing that remained throughout my struggles with my ED. I never loss my love of music. Sometimes it was the only thing that could calm my mind when it was consumed by thoughts of ED. Words make you think a thought. Music makes you feel a feeling. A song makes you feel a thought. --E. Y. Harburg Some of my favorite memories are tied to songs. I can remember my feelings being at that Dave Matthew concert. I can remember how I felt seeing my mom dance to Earth, Wind and Fire and Chic...
Read more