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Bittersweet Christmas

For a month, I have dreamed about spending a week here in RR with my son. It is hard planning ahead with stories when you work at a daily newspaper. But I did.

All I had to do was drive down Christmas and bring him back on Christmas Day. I was informed by his father that the plan for JJ was not adequate enough and he wasn’t allowing JJ to come. To say, I was disappointed was an understatement.

I have come a long way with my mental and ED issues. I have worked so hard, did therapy and take my meds. 
But then something like this happens to make you realize one thing. It is okay to accept my child support money but not okay for me to care of my own child for a week.

It is okay for me to pay the cell phone bill for the three of us and make sure JJ has health insurance. But I am still too crazy to actually care for my son. At least, I am sane enough to make money.
I mean it is okay if his dad is here at my apartment, eating my food and using my utilities while JJ and I do stuff together. 

It sucks and I am pissed. I had worked hard to keep JJ from finding out about the trip so if things went south, he wouldn’t be dispppointed. Someone else told him and I had to comfort  a very upset seven-year-old. It broke my heart to see him crying. 
For him, it was the worst Christmas ever. I had to remind him that it wasn’t. The worst Christmas would be if we were not able to see each other. Plus, I told him there are mommies and daddies whose children are not alive.

He soon realized how fortunate he was but he still said it sucked. I agreed. After working so hard, I am exhausted. With all of my planning, I will be off from work Dec. 30 to Jan. 4. I could go back and spend this time with JJ but I am sick of being the one who has to travel five hours all the time. I will make a decision in the next few days. Right now, I am just nursing a broken heart.


1. Being able to spend some time with JJ at Christmas!

2. Having vacation time during the first week of the new year!

3. A possible movie date this weekend!


  1. I'm so sorry that the plans didn't pan out. It doesn't sound fair at all but I guess you have to make the best of it. Hope you do get to see him again soon.

  2. I'm so sorry, for both of you. I'm surprised you're not a part of the Men's Rights Movement. The damage done to children by careless and corrupt family courts, is a HUGE part of what we fight against. Visitation enforcement is all but nonexistent, because non-custodial parents are viewed as nothing more than walking wallets, not as integral parts of their children's lives.

    There is a fast-growing group of (mostly) men out there, fighting on your behalf.

  3. I am so proud of you for actually being able to articulate this difficult time and to also list the gratitude you have felt over this time.
    That is a real strength and one you should be really proud of <3


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