Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Angry shouldn't be a state of mind

I should change my name from Silly Girl to Angry Girl. I am tired of being angry. I wake up this way and go to bed this way. Yesterday, I was so mad that I almost kicked a dog and tripped a co-worker. I didn't do it but I thought about it. This is not healthy.  I am frustrated by how things are going in my life (mainly work). I don't like being so negative and bitter at the world. I mean I am not a happy go lucky person but I do try to have a balance. Balance is good. It keeps the karma good.

So I am taking matters in my own hand to find a balance. I felt better after going to church Sunday and I am going home to visit JJ this weekend. He always makes me feel better about life. 

To keep things in perspective I am working on a list of things I am grateful. My list keeps me in a a happy place.

I am grateful for :

1. My son JJ, who is my heart and soul.

2. My favorite aunt Em, who reminds me of my mother.

3. My shoe collection that represents my many moods.

4. My purse collection, which is stored in what should be the pantry full of food.

5. Being able to tune ED out 85 percent of the time.

6. Blasting my favorite songs on the radio while dancing around the living room.

7. Chicken tenders with ranch dressing

8. Chicken alfredo made by the cool catering chick

9. Having the ability to write 350 words on a subject for an article when there is really nothing to write.

10. Knowing its okay to veg on the couch while reading magazines and eating Snapple popsicles.

11. Snapple popsicles--how I love thee

12. Understanding the importance of being the family photographer

13. Listening to my son and nephew talk while eating cookies and drinking juice. It is like watching two little old men in the bodies of five-year-olds. The Spongebob vs Bob the Builder was the funniest conversation I have ever overheard.  

14. Having a giant pancake with tons of butter, syrup and bacon for lunch. 

15. Reminding myself that this job provides the insurance for the meds I need to help me make it through each day. So I am grateful for my remeron. That one little pill makes all the difference in the world. 

There are more things but these take me to a happy place.  And help to take me from being Angry Girl to Silly Girl.

Saturday, September 17, 2011

I am the little girl from "Signs"

Sweater--$2 Leggings--$5 Boots--$1.50 Feeling like a million bucks--priceless
One of my favorite movies is the "Signs" with Mel Gibson, Joquain Phoenix and Abigail Breslin. During the movie, Breslin's character has several glasses of water sitting around. She says the water taste funny. I bring all this up because I have somehow become that girl.

As I was cleaning up today, I noticed there various water bottles and glasses with liquid in them throughout the apartment. The same can be said about my car and my desk at work. It doesn't taste funny but somehow I have managed to accumulate all this liquid.

The temperature has dropped here. I have been unpacking sweaters and cool boots. For instance, today I looked quite the fashionista in my green and black sweater with leggings and boots. For the first day this week, I didn't feel exhausted. I felt pretty good.

I had a dream in which my family had a reunion. My aunt Em tells us that a special guest arrived. The guest was my mom. In the dream, she gave me the best hug and whispered in my ear to "stay strong." I woke up feeling at peace. Sometimes we need a little reminder that things will be okay. Since my mom's death, I have dreamed about her twice. And it always happens when I am upset and feeling alone. It is nice to know that I have a guardian angel looking out for me.

Daily Dose
1. It is the return of sweater weather.

2.  My son thinks he is a vampire.

3. The movie "Drive" is playing at the movie theater that only shows three movies. Tomorrow, I will spending hanging out with Ryan Gosling for few hours.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

A tired creature of habit

In the county I live in, I think the unemployment rate is more than 10 percent. I am grateful to have a job and a roof over my head. But last night I almost gave it all up. It was a hellish unending day with one co-worker out sick while the other was there but really didn't do anything. I reached my almost breaking point when I let loose with so many expletives that a sailor would have blushed. Writing two stories while exhausted is bad but it gets worst when you throw in writing a radio script and then recording it. I had to muster everything I had so I wouldn't seem like I was dog tired on the radio. I think it is time to start looking for another job.

I love routines. Every  morning, I get dress to the local NBC news affiliate and the Today Show. No Today Show and I am a cranky person. At night, it has to be NBC nightly news. They are the book ends to my day. Most days, it is just the Today Show. This morning as I was curling my hear, I watched a preview of tomorrow's Charlie Sheen interview. My day seems to go smoother with it.

I love being a reporter. It is a part of my DNA. I love what I do. I feel like it is my calling in life. But I can't continue to be this angry and resentful. That poor radio microphone didn't deserve the abuse I heaped on it last night. I did apologize to it this morning.

I am not sure what I want to do but I have faith that either something will come my way or things will get better here. I like RR. It feels like home for me. I love my son but I can't fathom moving back there. So I will trust my faith.

In other news, walking three days a week and working out a few days a week is getting results. Things don't feel as snug. I am drinking more water and eating breakfast. And I  have taken the covers off of the mirrors.

Daily Dose

1. Something for breakfast is better than nothing at all.

2. Not being so anxious about ED.

3. Starting on the Fall cleaning

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Sadness and the anniversary of my mom's death

Today is the anniversary of my mom's death.

I should have taken the day off from work like I had original planned. I thought I was handling things well. And for the most part, I am. But today, it is a bad day and any problems I am having are magnified 1,000 percent.

I miss her so much that it literally hurts. It is everything I can do to keep from leaving work, going home and going back to bed. I can only imagine how my brother is feeling today.

My son thinks I am the most awesome mommy ever. I would disagree because Josephine Lowery was the most awesome mommy.

Most of my life's lessons came from either her or my grandmother. She always told me to never let the fact that I was female or a minority from reaching my goals in life.
She was my hero. She dropped out of school in the 11th grade to have me. She didn't let this stop her. She read the newspaper every day and was very smart.

When I was in high school, she worked two jobs while going to community college in order to get a better paying job.

My mother built brakes for various cars, trucks, race cars and other vehicles. I was never ashamed of her. I thought she was amazing and so stylish in her steel toed boots.

Even though, I wasn't a girly girl who wore makeup, my sense of style comes from her. Even when she was undergoing chemo, she would always dress nice and wear makeup. Her thing was even if you are dying, you can look decent.

I can't believe it has been a year. I wish she could see her grandsons attending kindergarten and being the little independent guys they are.

I know she is in a better place and no longer in pain. The last few days of her life were awful for her. I am glad that she is at peace.

But I miss my mommy.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Happy for the return of my routine

After being without power for 74 hours last week, I got it back.  I actually did a happy dance of joy in the living room. If I could have hugged the lineman who made it happen, I would have.

Last week was a rough one full of lots of hurricane coverage and my weekend to work. By the time, I got home Saturday night, I was beyond exhausted. 

So Sunday, D and I did something good. We went to see "Cowboys and Aliens". It was AWESOME! After a  hard week, it was nice to escape to the 1800s with Daniel "You have the most beautiful eyes" Craig and Harrison Ford. For almost two hours, I escaped into the world of the cinema. It was the reason I showered, got dress and left the house. Afterwards, we went for blizzards at Dairy Queen. It was  nice because I didn't think about the number of calories

My son and I have become pen pals. He  needs to practice writing his letters and reading. I figured a weekly letter from Mommy and then him writing me one will be good for him. Everyone loves getting mail especially five year-olds.

Overall, I am doing okay. I have had some ED moments. I am having issues looking at myself in the mirror. And it didn't help this morning that I couldn't zip up my favorite dress. I had a good cry, dried my eyes and moved onto something else in the closet. I have a therapy session tomorrow. I was giving a guidelines to create a plan to be more healthy. My therapist was carefully not to say lose weight but to get healthier. I am putting the finishing touches on it. Components involved include what type of workouts I will be doing, how will i change my diet and no weighing myself. Once it is done and approved, I will share it.

I am happy things are finally getting back to normal. I will be so glad when hurricane season is over.


1. When the power is out, beanie weanies are amazing.

2. Drinking up to 50 ounces a water a day.

3. Winning the battle of keeping my head above water.

Happy New Year!!!!

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