Friday, April 10, 2009

It's official

After a long talk about a lot of stuff, my husband finally admitted that he didn't want to participate in the study. I'm not upset or angry. I just glad he finally admitted so we stop wasting everybody's time. Since this is a holiday, I am looking for eating disorder specialists who have a sliding scale. I think it is important that I stay on the road of recovery and not be left to my own devices. Since my own devices usually include crippling depression, restricting like crazy and suicidal thoughts.

I am glad we cleared the air. Last night, I wrote him a two page letter with bullet points. He said the letter gave our conversation some structure. I am not naive to think things will be all peaches and cream. It felt good to be heard and to have a conversation over a meal. My husband said he has missed us going out to eat to discuss things and just be a couple. I had the buffet at KFC. In the past, buffets would frighten me but the KFC buffet here is small and manageable.

Also I realize I didn't thank my husband for the dress he got me for our anniversary. I told him I was preoccupied with the fact the dress was formfitting and would make me look like was pregnant. But secretly I am wondering why did he buy that dress. I mean he knows my body issues. Why not a pair of jeans and a shirt? Why that dress. It's a nice dress with a nice pair of sandals. Maybe, he figured it would give a goal to aspire to wear.

Even though, I am leaving the study. I don't think it was a waste. I have gained a lot from my therapists. I now know that I am ready for recovery and not afraid to face my fears. It's scary but it's even scary if I don't try and ended up letting Ana defeat me. I refuse to let her win.


  1. I'm so glad you were able to connect with your husband. It feels so good to clear the air, doesn't it? My husband and I had our own hefty talk today. Sigh...
    I think your husband got you the dress as a nice gesture. He thinks you're beautiful. He wants you to FEEL beautiful. I wouldn't overthink it. He can't know how you interpret it, fully.
    Anyway, you're smart to find a sliding scale therapist to help you stay on track. It sounds like you're doing lots of good work. To me, talking things out is just as important (and scary) as the eating part. Thanks for the inspiring words :)

  2. Thanks for your kind words. I agree that he brought the dress as a nice gesture. And for me, talking about the eating part actually helps me with eating. Thanks a bunch!!!

  3. Hi Silly Girl,

    I'm sorry to hear you won't be participating in the study anymore, but it does sound like you're getting a good grasp on your eating disorder. You've got a fabulous attitude and the determination to succeed. I believe you can do it.

    Here's wishing you and yours a wonderful Easter.

    See you again soon.

    P.S. Thank you for dropping by my blog and commenting. I truly appreciate your input.


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