Book brings back memories

 I write a book column for the newspaper I work for called the Book Nerd. This is my February column, which is a review of "The Girls at 17 Swann Street" by Yara Zgheib and my recovery from an eating disorder.

"I tell people that I am a dancer. I have not danced in years, though. I work as a cashier in a supermarket, but my real occupation is anorexia." 
-- Anna, "The Girls at 17 Swann Street" by Yara Zgheib

This line from "The Girls at 17 Swann Street" by Yara Zgheib spoke to me.
In the book, you meet 26-year-old Anna Roux, a former ballet dancer who has an eating disorder that has taken over her life.
On a good day, Anna will eat some apples and some popcorn. She is 88 pounds and in danger of dying. Her husband, Matthias, has checked her into a residential treatment center for eating disorders at 17 Swann Street. It is there that Anna and others fight to regain control of their lives.

"The chocolate went first, then the cheese, the fries, the ice cream. The bread was more difficult, but if she could just lose a little more weight, perhaps she would make the soloists' list. Perhaps if she were lighter, danced better, tried harder, she would be good enough. Perhaps if she just ran for one more mile, lost just one more pound."
-- Anna, "The Girls at 17 Swann Street"

Zgheib did a great job of showing the effects of the disease on a person and their loved ones.
According to the National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and  Associated Disorders, at least 30 million people of all ages and genders suffer from an eating disorder in the U.S. Every 62 minutes at least one person dies as a direct result from an eating disorder.
Anorexia nervosa is a horrible disease that not only takes over your mind, body, and soul but it also impacts those close to you.
I know because anorexia used to be a constant companion for me. At one time in my life, thoughts of eating and not eating consumed almost every waking moment.
For instance, most people love apples. For me, eating an apple triggers a memory of how I used to cut the apple in half. Then cut each half into fourths. And then cut each of the fourths into four more pieces. It should take a person no more than five minutes to eat an apple. It took me an hour.
In the book, Anna's motivation was to save her marriage and to get her life back.
For me, the motivation was to be a better mother to my son. When you weigh 80 pounds, it is hard to take a very active toddler to the playground. It was like trying to run a marathon when your son just wanted you to get on the monkey bars with him.
The average woman needs to eat about 2,000 calories per day to maintain her weight. I was surviving on 800 to 900 calories.
Reading this book brought back memories of a dark and scary place. It is a place where one day I almost gave up because I couldn't keep living like that.
But I didn't because I refused to let down the one person who would always wonder why I didn't fight hard enough for him. So I got help.
If you are looking for a happily ever after book or one where all the problems are summed up neatly, this is not the book.
This is about a struggle that Anna will have throughout her life. The struggles, the relapses and the thoughts associated with eating don't go away magically overnight.
Each day is a struggle.  Zgheib captured it best in a recent interview-- “To have anorexia is to lose your ability to concentrate, your body heat, your hair, your period, your personality, your relationships, your dreams. Sometimes your life.”
I wish I could say I am completely recovered but I am not and will never be. Like a person who was addicted to drugs or alcohol, it is always there in the background. So I take it one meal at a time and remind myself of what will happen if anorexia returns in its full force and how it will probably kill me.