One of the hardest things I had to ever do was to explain my ED to my 11-year-old son. His father had talked to him about it, which I have an issue with because it is my story and not his. But I have tried to move beyond that.
Anyway, a few weeks I talked to him about it and explained it as best I could. I told him how he is my inspiration to stay in recovery. I know he needs his mom to be healthy to help handle growing up.
One thing I told him was that my relationship with food is not like his relationship. And there will always be a struggle for me. I take it one meal at a time.
I kept all of this in mind when I went to the doctor yesterday to ask for help. In the past three months, my appetite has disappeared. I eat because I don’t want to pass out or to be hospitalized. It hasn’t been easy. I could have let ED win when I realized what was happening. I have only lost 11 pounds. To some this is not much weight but to me it is.
The old me would have been happy about it. The recovering me knew it needed to stop. So I made an appointment because the signs were there that things were not going to improve. I have had a headache for two weeks because I am not eating enough food. I feel lightheaded most of the time.
I had to do something. I talked honestly with my doctor. She prescribed megace for me. I have read up on it in the last 24 hours. I know it is an appetite stimulant for cancer patients losing weight along with being used in the treatment of breast and endometrial cancer.
It was not cheap. It cost more than $67 with insurance. Overall, I think it will be worth it. I can’t continue to live like this. I have a job that I love and I don’t need the stress of my ED. My baby starts the sixth grade in a few weeks. He is going to need all the love and support he can get from me. Plus, he doesn’t need to worry about me.
I took the first dose last night. And for the first time in weeks, I didn’t wake up worrying about what I could force myself to eat. Today, there was less pressure.
As I write this, I am eating a granola bar. The whole bar. Not half, not a little but the entire bar. It feels good. I can't remember what it is like to be eat like other people. I think the last time I knew was probably when I was a teenager.
My goal is to get things in check and then go out to eat at the Chef and the Farmer in Kinston. I think it is a nice reward.
1. Knowing when you need help
2. Strawberry soda
3. A Game of Thrones marathon