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Tuesday, April 7, 2015
Taming the raging beast
The last few days have been a rollercoaster of emotions. Honestly, I have been a low-simmering bitch. It started when I realized that I would not be able to afford to go see my son during my vacation. I just didn't have the money. And with this, the second guessing started. Should I have left the awesome money I was making at the IM to take a paycut at the DT. Is this how life will be? Will I always struggle this much?
Which blossomed into why do I work so hard? Is it all for nothing? Questions and anger fueled me going into my four-day vacation. In fact, I was so angry that I pulled over in a vacant lot and had a good long soul shaking cry. And on the first day of vacation, I was exhausted from thinking so much. My options were to stay home and cry on the couch or head to RR. My bestie invited me to her place so I could rest and think without pressure.
I still don't have many answers but I'm just going to trust God. From the moment I returned to Pickle Land, I felt like I was suppose to be here. Why? I have no idea but it just feels right.
So I don't know why but I do know that the bitchiness must stop. I may not have what I want but I have much to be thankful for. I have an amazing child. I do what I love. I have the cutest little apartment. And most importantly, I am healthy. I am not exhausted from ED.
Basically, this is my pep talk to myself. To quote Cordelia Chase from the When She Was Bad episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer:
Cordelia: Buffy. You're really campaigning for bitch-of-the-year, aren't you? Buffy: As defending champion, you nervous? Cordelia: I can hold my own. You know, we've never really been close, which is nice, 'cause I don't really like you that much, but... you have on occasion saved the world and stuff, so I'm gonna... do you a favor. Buffy: And this great favor is... Cordelia: I'm gonna give you some advice. Get over it. Buffy: Excuse me? Cordelia: Whatever is causing the Joan Collins 'tude, deal with it. Embrace the pain, spank your inner moppet, whatever, but get over it. 'Cause pretty soon you're not even gonna have the loser friends you've got now. So I will deal with it and figure out how to make things better. Everything happens for a reason. Daily Dose 1. Being alive! 2. Spring is here! 3. People who bring leftover Easter candy to work!