Skip to main content

Reaching out before it's too late

Lately, it seems like I have become the confessional for my friends. I know the secrets, fears and hopes of many people. Confession is good for the soul. 
I am glad to be an outlet for them but sadly I haven’t confess much back.

So I make my confessions here. I love my new job. I feel energized and hope I am making a difference. I feel like I am being challenged again.

On the surface things look great but truthfully, I am scared and  I am slipping. I have lost weight. It hasn’t been a conscious effort but it has happened. I have went from a size 4-6 range to probably size four and dropping. I am not restricting and I eat two meals a day. But the meals may not be the most healthy.

Being honest, the move was stressful, quick and wiped out me out financially. I am having trouble reconnecting with my old friends. I am not the same person I was six years ago when I live here. At that time, I was firmly in ED’s grip. I had pretty much decided that ED would eventually kill me. And when I lost my job in 2008, I relapse hard.

Since then, I have come a long way. But I am not the same person I was. I am a little more guarded and lot more reclusive. I maintain contact but have kept many at arms length.

But in the last few months with no insurance, I have stopped taking my meds. I have insurance again. I am at the crossroads of finding a new therapist, doctor and getting back on meds or not.
I really don’t want to be on meds but at the same time I can’t really afford to relapse, have an episode and end up in the hospital.
In the last few weeks, there have been some signs that tell me I need help.

Moment 1: I have a little stomach pooch. No matter how much I workout, it will not go away. I have made peace with it. I wore a cute dress last week to interview a new town clerk. The first thing she ask me was how far along was I. I tried not to let it bother me but it did. I skipped dinner and ate some string cheese. I ate  much better the same day but still was shaken by it.

Moment 2: I am very motivated to get my work done. For the newspaper, I average about 10 stories. I think this is pretty good for a weekly newspaper. But once I get home, I am not motivated to do anything.  I just want to veg on the couch with a bag of Doritos and watch Lifetime movies. I know I am depressed because I miss my friends and my life in RR. A big move like this is hard.

I needed to get this off my chest. There are so many things going on in my life right now that I should share with my bff and others but I just can’t so I write.

Writing has always helped me when I couldn’t express it verbally. I have googled the name and number of the family practice in Pickleland. I just need to make the call. There is so much more at stake.

In my previous stint in Pickleland, there were many stints on the psych floor along with a suicide attempt. I have returned and the folks at my new job don’t know about the past. I wanted to be as well-adjusted as possible. I realize that no man is an island and that asking for help is not a sign of weakness. I think I should make that call.

1. Thankful to know when a problem is becoming overwhelming.
2. The sun is shining and the birds are singing.
3. Being able to track down an elusive person on deadline for a comment.


  1. I cannot believe people are still commenting on your body that way. It seems like you are okay with where you are at but darn people can't keep their mouth shut. Definitely make that call! You know when something is not "right" and this is the time to take steps before it gets bad.


Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Stopping ED from gaining

One of the hardest things I had to ever do was to explain my ED to my 11-year-old son. His father had talked to him about it, which I have an issue with  because it is my story and not his. But I have tried to move beyond that.

Anyway, a few weeks I talked to him about it and explained it as best I could. I told him how he is my inspiration to stay in recovery. I know he needs his mom to be healthy to help handle growing up.
One thing I told him was that my relationship with food is not like his relationship. And there will always be a struggle for me. I take it one meal at a time.
I kept all of this in mind when I went to the doctor yesterday to ask for help. In the past three months, my appetite has disappeared. I eat because I don’t want to pass out or to be hospitalized. It hasn’t been easy. I could have let ED win when I realized what was happening. I have only lost 11 pounds. To some this is not much weight but to me it is.
The old me would have been happy about it. The recovering…

Spending time with my son

Memorial Day is always special for me as a reporter and a person. It is a chance to recognize who gave their life so I and others can have the freedom we have. 
Normally, I work and get to take Memorial Day holiday on another day. This year, I got a double bonus. 

I got to spend the long weekend with my son. Things some how worked that my son’s aunt met me halfway and JJ was able to spend three days in Pickle Land with me. He had a chance to see me working and spend quality time together.

JJ is now 11. He is squarely in the pre-teen world. His voice is changing along with other things. My baby is growing up and it scares me. He got to see my new teeth and loved them. He said it was nice to see me so happy. 
We had a chance to talk and just spend some time together. And in two weeks, he returns for a two week involving my week long vacation and a bunch of day camps. It has been a good few days.
The other part is my Memorial Day weekend is this weekend. I'm going to the Lake to hang with…

Adventures at Librari-Con with Samurai Batman

Recently, JJ and I made our second journey to the 11th annual Librari-Con at the Cumberland County Public Library in Fayetteville.  This is an annual anime/graphic novel/sci-fi mini convention that featured anime viewing, panels forums, Artist Alley, Cosplay Runway and more.
What made this event super awesome was the fact that the library was opened at the same time of the event.
For a year, JJ had talked about having a costume after not being able to wear one last year. He was a Samurai Batman.
Apparently, JJ had a growth spurt in the last few weeks so there was struggle getting him into his costume, but a little pulling, binder clips and prayer got the costume on him.

I decided to go as my favorite thing – a mother/photographer/bodyguard/book nerd wearing a Wonder Woman shirt.
JJ decided to add his own special touch to it with a trident and a Flash mask for me. I’m not sure what I was supposed to have been but I played along until lunchtime.
For the first hour, he played free video game…