Sunday, June 9, 2013

Examining the state of things

In a few months, I will turn 40. This is a big milestone considering I never thought I would reach the age of 30. I always figured that ED would win so I never really planned the future. In my teens and 20s, ED defined who I was. I was the suicidal anorexic who spend more time in the hospital than enjoying life.

But how things have changed. Now I am Jacqueline. I am actually recovering and I have a child. Something doctors said would never happen. But I realize as I watched students graduate this weekend that I am not happy with the way things are going in my life. Recovery wise I am okay but the other aspects of my life are not so good.

I love being a journalist. I love being able to tell people's stories, take photos and hear the press run as it prints that day's edition. But lately, it has been hard to get out of bed, get dress and make my five minute commute to work.

It's the low pay, high demands and uncertainty that saddens me. And the fact I don't get to see my baby every day. I didn't become a reporter to get rich but there was nothing in the fine print about a vow of poverty. When I took this job, I took a pay cut because I was unemployed and needed to get some daily newspaper experience. I somehow thought things would get better. And in almost four years, it has not.

But in a way it has tried to be better. I have an awesome group of friends and coworkers here. It was here that I decided that ED wouldn't win anymore. It was here that I wanted to be me and not the woman who let ED rule her life. People know me for me. And it has been great. But I can't continue to live like this. 

I am either going to have to change career fields or move to a better paying job. I knew I wouldn't be in RR forever because I want to be closer to JJ. At seven, my son has been through a lot for a kid--parents separating, mom moving away and losing both grandmothers months apart to cancer.

Recently, he asked me if the reason I didn't visit him was because I didn't like seeing him. I told him the truth. I told him that I love him more than life itself but I don't come because I don't have the funds. Gas is expensive. I have to pay child support and other bills. 

I felt like the worst mother in the world. So I have to do something. I have been taking odd photography jobs. I have started coming into work early on my time to learn some pagination skills. JJ will be in the the second grade in the fall. I  have decided by the time he is in the third grade that either I am closer in proximity to him or he will be living with me. This means well I don't know what it means. But I have set a goal. And now I must make it happen. I am tired of being broke and missing my son.

Being a reporter is a calling. My job is to keep people informed about where their tax money is going. Also to let them know that with all the bad happening in the world there is some good. I have faith that I will continue to write but I need to start looking at the big picture. 


1. Conquering my ant problem!!

2. Finding my Snapple ice pops for the summer !!

3. Being able to know there is a future without ED.

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