Score--Me 5, ED 1

It is a tricky time in my life. I am simultaneously fighting two battles. One against ED and another to save my job. It is exhausting but I will not let it consume me. I saw my therapist last week. It was quite productive. She looked at the food journal I have been keeping. She was semi-pleased to see that I consume about 1800 calories a day. Caroline has looked at my records and saw instances where I was consuming 300 to 500 calories. Her words--You have make some progress in the last three years.

Caroline asked me how I felt about this. I told I her that I was pretty cool with it because calories don't bother me. I don't look at food in terms of calories. I view it in terms of how my body looks. This led to a discussion on body image. Every night, to save time, I put out my outfit for the next day. If it is a good day, I shower, put on the outfit and leave the house. If it is a bad day, I will easily go through five to six  outfits. Last week and this week  have been very good.

Other things discussed was my water intake, which is about 28 ounces a day, and soda intake, 48 ounces a day. This is where a lot of the weight gain is coming from. It hasn't been easy but I am down to  20 ounces of soda a week. And up to 48 ounces of water or crystal light water. Yay for me!!! But if it is a bad day, I will hit the orange soda.  Caroline is very pleased with progress. She said I am taking an active role in my recovery. It feels good to back on the road to recovery. Being at the rest stop wasn't fun. 

I have an issue with my stomach. Currently, I look about three months pregnant. I  have been walking and working out so I am starting to become more comfortable with myself. Honestly, if my inner self is in order, it will be easier to deal with what is happening at work.

Overall, I am in a semi-good place now. And I am ok with that.

DAILY DOSE

1. Making homemade sloppy joes!! 

2. Discovering Mr. Kitty is Ms. Kitty.

3. Hugs and kisses from JJ!!

How I got my groove back and other adventures

I have to admit the last few weeks have been pretty rough for me. But with the help of new meds, a new therapist and a new outlook, I feel like I am slowing finding myself again. 

For instance, this weekend I cleaned instead of spending it in bed. It started with my vaccum cleaner acting kind of wonky. Two weeks ago, I would have cried and took to the bed. Instead, I  got out my screwdriver and took the vacuum apart, found the problem and now vacuum works. And from there, I got the cleaning bug. 

Over a two day period I:

--cleaned the bathroom from top to bottom and mopped it.

--mopped the kitchen floor

--sorted and separated six boxes of magazines that have been donated to six charity organizations

--made a quick ass tomato basil soup

--changed the sheets and pillow cases on my bed

There are still things to do such as laundry and other stuff. When I went to bed Monday night, I felt like I had accomplished something. Now I still have some dark moments but not as many as I once did. I am looking forward to my therapy session on Friday and going home to see my boy Saturday.

JJ gives me hope and a reason to try just a little bit harder. In a hour long phone conversation Monday, we discussed everything from the new Avengers movie to what is Black History Month to who loves who more. He makes my heart happy. Sometimes I am amazed that I help to create someone like him. JJ is on a mission to figure out what he wants to do with his life at six. In the past, he has wanted to be Spiderman, an astronaut and an evil scientist. Now, his goal is to be a part of the circus--either a lion tamer or a trapeze artist. But thing that made me smile was when he asked me if I would be proud of him as a lion tamer. I told him that I will be proud of him no matter what he decides to be. There are times I don’t get why he loves me. I mean I have issues that he shouldn’t know about. He shouldn’t know words like anorexia or depression. He knows his mommy isn’t like other mommies but he said he doesn’t care because I am his mommy and I am special to him.

DAILY DOSE

1. My tomato basil soup is awesome

2. Having my living room clean after delivering six boxes of magazines

3. Finding Ms. Kitty, who was gone for three days. 

Visible but invisible

Being a reporter puts you in the middle of the action. Everyone sees you but doesn’t. On the surface, they see you as this person who paints a written record of their event. But they have no clue what is going on under the surface. You could say the same about me. Some of the people I cover, I don’t know the first thing about them. I thought about all of this while waiting at the world longest traffic light this morning.

I met my new therapist in the morning. I think this is going to be a very good for me. Her name is Caroline, which is one of my favorite names. She sits in a rocking chair and has a comfy couch for clients. Her dog is also in the office. I felt positive vibes from the moment I pulled into the parking lot. Her office is 30 minutes from RR in Virginia. The drive gives me time to prepare and rock out to music. 

In the beginning, we had a “it’s a small world exchange.”

C-Have we ever met before?

M-No, not to my knowledge.

C-I know I have heard your voice before. Are you on the radio.

M-Technically, no but I have to a promo for the newspaper once a week for a radio station in the area.

C-It’s you. I know I had heard your voice before.

I didn’t know that people in Virginia listened to that radio station. I guess you never know who you will me. I feel like I am slowing finding my way back to the path of the recovery. At least, I no longer walking blindly in the forest.

DAILY DOSE

1. Looking cute in a pink in black skirt! 

2. Eating three meals and two snacks on Wednesday!!!!

3. Starting the cleaning process. My apartment looks like a crazy person lives there.

One day, one meal at a time

I can't believe January is over. It seems like yesterday that the new year was rung in and celebrated. Between my  ED issues and work, it feels like I  haven't had much time to breathe. 

Right now, I am taking things one day and one meal at a time. Anything more and I'll freak out. This morning was rough. I found a skirt in the closet that I had never wore. After putting the outfit together on my bed, I showered and put it on. It was when I was putting on  my black tights that I became fixated on how huge my thighs looked. I have to be at work at 8 a.m. so I am having a freak out at 7:25. 

So using the techniques that my therapist and I had discussed, I talked myself from the proverbial ledge. i am pretty proud of myself because I feel like it was small victory against ED. I have come a long way to let it defeat. Right now, there are some bumps in the road but i am trying. So it is one day and one meal at a time.

Daily Dose

1. It's Friday and I don't  have to work this weekend!

2. Finding Rice Works (brown rice crisps think chips) Sweet Chili to snack on

3. Five days until I meet my new therapist.