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Score--Me 5, ED 1

It is a tricky time in my life. I am simultaneously fighting two battles. One against ED and another to save my job. It is exhausting but I will not let it consume me. I saw my therapist last week. It was quite productive. She looked at the food journal I have been keeping. She was semi-pleased to see that I consume about 1800 calories a day. Caroline has looked at my records and saw instances where I was consuming 300 to 500 calories. Her words--You have make some progress in the last three years.
Caroline asked me how I felt about this. I told I her that I was pretty cool with it because calories don't bother me. I don't look at food in terms of calories. I view it in terms of how my body looks. This led to a discussion on body image. Every night, to save time, I put out my outfit for the next day. If it is a good day, I shower, put on the outfit and leave the house. If it is a bad day, I will easily go through five to six  outfits. Last week and this week  have been very good.
Other things discussed was my water intake, which is about 28 ounces a day, and soda intake, 48 ounces a day. This is where a lot of the weight gain is coming from. It hasn't been easy but I am down to  20 ounces of soda a week. And up to 48 ounces of water or crystal light water. Yay for me!!! But if it is a bad day, I will hit the orange soda.  Caroline is very pleased with progress. She said I am taking an active role in my recovery. It feels good to back on the road to recovery. Being at the rest stop wasn't fun. 
I have an issue with my stomach. Currently, I look about three months pregnant. I  have been walking and working out so I am starting to become more comfortable with myself. Honestly, if my inner self is in order, it will be easier to deal with what is happening at work.
Overall, I am in a semi-good place now. And I am ok with that.

1. Making homemade sloppy joes!! 
2. Discovering Mr. Kitty is Ms. Kitty.
3. Hugs and kisses from JJ!!


  1. I know what you mean about the stomach thing. Since having recovered from my eating disorder, I am bigger and my stomach seems to be the thing I can never feel quite okay with. I am usually just tolerating it but I can't seem to do anything about it. My doc said also age was against me but hey, at least I can get through the day with a good amount of food and feel relatively okay with myself. I'm glad you are going so well :)

  2. I'm glad that you're in a semi-good place. I hope you're fidning peace somehow in the battles that you are fighting.

    When I go through the refeeding process, my stomach always seems to resemble a pregnant woman's. In treatment we literally called this the "refeeding belly." It goes away once your body really learns that it can trust you to give it good nutrition. Think of it as your body protecting your inner organs because it loves you. :)

  3. Fighting two battles at once is something nobody should have to put up with. I wish you well. But cutting back on the soda is huge. I find that drinking water makes me feel much more refreshed. Maybe it's the sugar, I don't know. Or water is just clean, healthy :) Makes me feel better in my skin. Active steps, as you say it. They make the difference.


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