Saturday, May 28, 2011

One more day until JJ

I have worked like crazy this week. And it has been worth it because I am on vacation for the next seven glorious days with JJ. And here's something interesting--my husband is coming with him.

And is thinking about staying longer. When he told me, I almost choked on the Pop-Tart I was eating. My mom was right. If you are patient, things may eventually go your way.

Daily Dose

1. It is vacation time!

2. Spending time with JJ.

3. Having a clean apartment!

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

The countdown to JJ has begun

Only two more days before I go on vacation!!!!! I have never in my life wanted some time off so bad. The last few weeks have been crazy and hectic. But today, I made a new friend. Her name is Betty. Betty liked me for me and was content to allow me to pat her.

I spend some time at a learning farm where I met all kinds of animals from Llamas and peacocks to miniatures horses and sheep. It was hot as hell but I had a great time. I think I will take JJ there next week.
This is Betty. She is so friendly and  a camera hog.

We are greeting each other.

So far, everything is set for him to come up with me for a visit. I am trying not to get my hopes up to much because something always prevents him coming to RR. So keep your fingers cross for me. I can't help it but I am so excited. This week has been much better than last week.

Last week, for every three people I encountered, two would ask me if I was pregnant. It was a lot for one person to take. It resulted in me being grumpy with the world and crying a lot. My boss realized what was  happening and we had a chat. He suggested walking three days a week at 45 minutes each time. I feel much better. The walking is good because it helps me to clear my head. I have started getting up early because it is more cooler in the am than the pm.  My med dose has been increased and I am taking vitamins. I feel much healthier and not as self conscious. So far this week, only two people have asked me. I try to have a sense of humor about it.
Even though, I have a weird expression on my face. I feel good. Plus, I like how healthy I look in this photo.


1. Spending an afternoon at a farm. And I got paid to do it.

2. In a few days, I will be with JJ.

3. For the first time in weeks, I felt good about myself.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

My baby is graduating!!!!

JJ will walk across the stage on May 31. He will graduate from Pre-Kindergarten. He is so excited. And I am so excited for him. It seems like yesterday he was so tiny and helpless. And now he wants a skateboard so he can do stunts and wonders when he can cross the street alone.

My baby is growing up. My life would be so bleak and sad without him and his love. Whenever we talk, he tell me how much he loves me.
JJ--I love you more than ice cream. And I loooove ice cream Mommy.
Me--I love you more than a ton of magazines and pens.
JJ--Wow, I know how much you enjoy magazines.

This game continues for awhile. It is nice to know there is someone in this world who loves me for me. Not because I can write or take pictures. But because I can blow huge bubbles, climb the monkey bars and give up my Happy Meal toy for the greater good. And I love him because he is a wonderful child who has had to endure a lot in the past year--separation of his parents and the death of two grandmothers. He is quite a trouper.

Whenever I am feeling down, I pull out photo album I carry in my purse or check my phone for photos of him. He gives me hope when I feel like restricting or giving up. So when he walks across that stage, I will be cheering him. This is only the beginning. There is lots more to come and thanks to recovery, I will be around to enjoy it. I made a promise to myself when I moved to RR that I would find a way to silence ED so JJ could have a mommy and not a shell of one. He deserves that and so much more.

Daily Dose

1. My incredible awesome son

2. Meeting my goal of drinking more water

3. Being able to watch my son grow up

Friday, May 13, 2011

Friday the 13th--not unlucky just weird

My dosage has been increased for my medication. Lately, my get and go is content to lay on the couch and watch Criminal Minds. All week I have looked forward to having the weekend off. My plan is to get my apartment in order. My bed or Mt. St. Clothes has all of my clothes on it. On Tuesday, I was getting ready for work and realized nothing fit. Before I knew it, everything was out of the drawers  and the closet and I was in tears. In the eight months since my mother's death, I have went from a size 0 to a size eight. I made peace with it on Wednesday night when I finished boxing some clothes for charity.

It is not what I see in the mirror that upsets me. It is people's reaction to the fact that I am no longer scary thin. Today wasn't a bad luck day. It was just plain weird. I had three people ask me if I am pregnant. I have been trying to work out and watch what I eat. So I am a mixture of emotions but I am okay. In all of the madness, I never once thought about restricting. My thoughts were healthy. When I was tempted to call myself a "fat ass," I stopped and said something positive.

It has been three weeks since the death of my mother-in-law. Things are chaotic for my husband. His mom died. His dad started dating someone while she was dying. And now he wants to bring the new person around. I am trying my best to good friend and sounding board. I can advise him on grief but not on the actions of father, which have divided the family. Why does death bring out the ugly in people? JJ is taking it okay but I worry. I have been looking into summer programs here so maybe he can spend sometime here once school is out.

My sweet little guy sleeping!

As I write this, I am sitting in my clean living room. I have lit some vanilla cream candles and the smell is awesome. For the first time in weeks, I feel at peace. It is a good feeling that I fight tooth and nail to keep. Tomorrow, it is the Festival of the Roanoke. I am going to go as a regular person not as reporter girl.

I wish all a good weekend full of fun and happy thoughts!

Daily Dose

1. I interviewed Darius Rucker on Thursday. He was so nice.

2. Took photos for a co-worker, who's daughter graduated last night. They turned out well and I got paid.

3. Realizing I shouldn't be so hard on myself.

Friday, May 6, 2011

Missing loved ones

I slowly getting back into the groove of things. It has been hard to motivate myself to do anything. The only reason that I go to work is because I don't want to get fired. Last weekend was Relay for Life and I was on duty to be the reporter. It was the absolute last place I wanted to be. I am very happy for those who are survivors but I am still sad and angry. I miss my mother and my mother-in-law. I wish there was a way for them to have beaten the big "C". I was fine until I saw the luminary bag I had purchased in my mother's memory.  To me, cancer is like a tornado. It can hit some people and leave them standing while it decimates others.

Sunday is Mother's Day. It will be the first one without her and I dread it. I should go home and put flowers on her grave but honestly, I just want to spend the day in bed. I am torn over what to do because I am a mother also. I guess I need to find out what JJ has planned for me. He's five so his plans are also his father's plans. I  just don't think I can handle it.

Another thing that has me bummed is a longtime newsroom employee had her hours cut from 40 to 20. It scares me about the unstability of the newspaper industry. I love writing but I think I need to start looking at a plan B.

I  just need to get my  head back into the game. My apartment looks like a deranged hoarder lives there. Every morning I get up, I look forward to going back to bed. I am glad my job keeps me busy. Thank God, today is Friday. I plan to hide from the world and watch tv on dvd. I think it is time to ask my therapist to up my med dosage and maybe give me a script for anxiety.

Daily Dose

1. Starting walking more since the weather is pretty.

2. Rediscovering my love of cooking

3. Facebook is not a bad thing.

Happy New Year!!!!

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