Friday, May 13, 2011

Friday the 13th--not unlucky just weird

My dosage has been increased for my medication. Lately, my get and go is content to lay on the couch and watch Criminal Minds. All week I have looked forward to having the weekend off. My plan is to get my apartment in order. My bed or Mt. St. Clothes has all of my clothes on it. On Tuesday, I was getting ready for work and realized nothing fit. Before I knew it, everything was out of the drawers  and the closet and I was in tears. In the eight months since my mother's death, I have went from a size 0 to a size eight. I made peace with it on Wednesday night when I finished boxing some clothes for charity.

It is not what I see in the mirror that upsets me. It is people's reaction to the fact that I am no longer scary thin. Today wasn't a bad luck day. It was just plain weird. I had three people ask me if I am pregnant. I have been trying to work out and watch what I eat. So I am a mixture of emotions but I am okay. In all of the madness, I never once thought about restricting. My thoughts were healthy. When I was tempted to call myself a "fat ass," I stopped and said something positive.

It has been three weeks since the death of my mother-in-law. Things are chaotic for my husband. His mom died. His dad started dating someone while she was dying. And now he wants to bring the new person around. I am trying my best to good friend and sounding board. I can advise him on grief but not on the actions of father, which have divided the family. Why does death bring out the ugly in people? JJ is taking it okay but I worry. I have been looking into summer programs here so maybe he can spend sometime here once school is out.

My sweet little guy sleeping!


As I write this, I am sitting in my clean living room. I have lit some vanilla cream candles and the smell is awesome. For the first time in weeks, I feel at peace. It is a good feeling that I fight tooth and nail to keep. Tomorrow, it is the Festival of the Roanoke. I am going to go as a regular person not as reporter girl.

I wish all a good weekend full of fun and happy thoughts!

Daily Dose

1. I interviewed Darius Rucker on Thursday. He was so nice.

2. Took photos for a co-worker, who's daughter graduated last night. They turned out well and I got paid.

3. Realizing I shouldn't be so hard on myself.

6 comments:

  1. Death DOES bring out the ugly in people. I never wuld have thought that unti I experienced it. Sounds like you are doing well. I am happy for that. Would lie to sleep as peacefully as your little guy.

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  2. I know what you mean about putting on weight. All of a sudden I have these huge boobs in my face everytime I look down and I can't shift any of it, lol. I am also trying to make piece with it but it's hard. I am so different. I went from an Australian size 10 to an Australian size 14/16. It sucks. I am also keeping it under control. When I was a ten I thought I was fat and now when I look back and think of that thought, I was out of my mind. Your little one does look cute :)
    *hugs*
    Sarah

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  3. hi, Silly Girl :)
    I'm so happy I found your blog again, I've missed you! So sorry to hear about your mother-in-law, and your husband's problems. It's very hard for some people to cope with death that it comes out really weird and sometimes harsh for people around them.

    I can imagine how hard it is to get comfortable with your body and before you think of yourself as "fat ass" remember that you are healthy and have a son who needs you the most.

    I am here for you, enjoy your weekend off and have a great time at the Festival.

    Lots of love.

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  4. Good job on keeping that positive attitude and not letting it bring you down and send you back into bad behaviors. People really just need to shut up. It's not polite to comment on anyone's body unless it's to say you look good. Which I'm sure you do because healthy is good.

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  5. I can relate - since this time last year, I have went from a size one to a five/seven (depending upon the clothes because there is no uniform sizing for clothes for females) and am still adjusting to be the largest I have been in about four years. But feeling healthier and not looking scary-skinny is worth it, even if it is frightening. Keep telling yourself that - health is the most important thing.

    I wish people would stop asking you if you are pregnant. I don't understand why anyone would think that is an appropriate question. I remember when I was severely underweight and many people would just flat out ask me - not out of concern, but curiosity - how much did I weigh. I just don't understand what has happened to polite society. Maybe next time you should spin this really outrageous story that you are pregnant and it was an alien from another galaxy and you are going to be interviewed by The Star, and what does the person think about that? You know, pour it on real think. Perhaps that will get around and people will stop asking you such a stupid question.

    JJ is adorable, btw!

    Keep telling yourself that this is your life and your health is what matters.

    {{{Hugs}}}

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  6. I meant "pour it on real thick." I hate typos.

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