Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Confessions of a boot camp dropout

For the last few days, I have had a case of the blues that I just can’t shake. It started with a dream I had about my mom. In the dream, she recovered from her cancer and lived. It seemed so vivid and real. After waking up, I have just been kind of sad.

The one year anniversary of her death is coming up soon. It coupled with some other personal stuff makes me miss her so much. I can talk to my friends but there is nothing like advice from my mom.

Another thing contributing to feeling blue is wondering if all my hard work at my job is for nothing. We have no overtime. In addition to the newspaper, there are two magazines and tons of special sections to work on.

I have worked hard in the past year improve my writing skills and be a better reporter. And most importantly, worked hard to recover from ED. But for the past week, I have had to stop myself several times from sending a "I quit this job" text. I don't hate my job because I love writing and be able to tell people's stories. I  do feel like I am viewed by higher ups as just a workhorse who churns out stories.

At times, it makes me wonder why am I doing all of this when I could just move home and be with my son.  Several things keep me from quitting:
--I am not a quitter.
--I want to set a good example for JJ.
--There is a chance that I could win some press association awards in the fall.
--I don't have another job waiting in the wings.

I like being in RR and I love the security of the paycheck. I just hate the feeling of constant dread each morning during my six minute commute.

Another thing that has made me blue is the fact I have gain more weight. This has sent me into a semi-restricting tailspin. I have an emergency appointment tomorrow afternoon with the therapist. I was okay with being a size 8 but now that I am heading toward size 10, I am scared. I can deal with the single digits but not the double. I hate that my thighs rub together. My cute dresses don't fit. I feel like a fat, humgounus pig. There I said it all and got it out of my head.

I am not  cool with being a size 10. I am not. This is the reason for the emergency visit because I have figured out how to override the meds. This is not good. I had to drop out of the boot camp because of work. I work so much that I leave at 7:30 a.m., work all day, come home at 8 p.m., eat over the kitchen sink and head to bed.

I am trying but most days I just want to scream. I am grateful to have a job. Things will get better soon. I just gotten have faith.

Daily Dose

1. My son starts kindergarten next Thursday.

2. Elias Chicken salad makes my tummy happy.

3. Realizing I need help before its too late. 

1 comment:

  1. I know how you feel about putting on weight. I have jumped three dress sizes since I went into hospital last year. I had to realise that I am now at the weight I was at before my ED. I am not fat, just bigger than I was. It's hard though isn't it. To constantly have to give yourself self talk. It gets so tiring. I think you're doing an awesome job with work. Part of the reason why I never got a job in journalism, although I have the training, is because of the crazy non-stop hours. I couldn't do it. If you don't do all that, you don't get the stories. I wish you all the best and hope you feel a little better soon, it must have been really hard to have that dream about your mum. Thinking of you!


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