The one year anniversary of her death is coming up soon. It coupled with some other personal stuff makes me miss her so much. I can talk to my friends but there is nothing like advice from my mom.
Another thing contributing to feeling blue is wondering if all my hard work at my job is for nothing. We have no overtime. In addition to the newspaper, there are two magazines and tons of special sections to work on.
I have worked hard in the past year improve my writing skills and be a better reporter. And most importantly, worked hard to recover from ED. But for the past week, I have had to stop myself several times from sending a "I quit this job" text. I don't hate my job because I love writing and be able to tell people's stories. I do feel like I am viewed by higher ups as just a workhorse who churns out stories.
At times, it makes me wonder why am I doing all of this when I could just move home and be with my son. Several things keep me from quitting:
I like being in RR and I love the security of the paycheck. I just hate the feeling of constant dread each morning during my six minute commute.
Another thing that has made me blue is the fact I have gain more weight. This has sent me into a semi-restricting tailspin. I have an emergency appointment tomorrow afternoon with the therapist. I was okay with being a size 8 but now that I am heading toward size 10, I am scared. I can deal with the single digits but not the double. I hate that my thighs rub together. My cute dresses don't fit. I feel like a fat, humgounus pig. There I said it all and got it out of my head.
I am not cool with being a size 10. I am not. This is the reason for the emergency visit because I have figured out how to override the meds. This is not good. I had to drop out of the boot camp because of work. I work so much that I leave at 7:30 a.m., work all day, come home at 8 p.m., eat over the kitchen sink and head to bed.
I am trying but most days I just want to scream. I am grateful to have a job. Things will get better soon. I just gotten have faith.