Sunday, February 27, 2011

Trying to get back to my happy place

This has been a difficult week but thank God for supportive friends. A big thank you to everyone who left words of encouragement. I wish I could say that I let all of this roll off of my back. It didn't but I am still standing.

In the past, I worried about telling others about my ED and recovery. I am so glad that I confided to my friends at work because it made things a little more bearable. Her comments made me realize that I still have some body issues that need to address. But I have come a long way in the past few months. If this had happen a year ago, I would have been devastated and probably restricted like crazy. I work hard to keep ED's thoughts muted. This week, they came in loud.

All of this wouldn't have been so bad. But she decided to elect herself as my own personal food police. If I was at the snack machine, she watched and shook her head. It was little things like this that started to get to me.The breaking point came Thursday at lunch. I was in the break room with my lunch bunch eating some KFC. She came in to get some water. I ignored her but my friends noticed that she stood behind me looking at what I was eating and shaking here head in disgust.

Later that afternoon, I had a closed door meeting my editor. I told him what was going on and that this was harassment. He was very supportive and very upset. He know about my ED. He assured that this type of thing is not condoned by the company. I am not sure what the fall out will be but I have come to far to be treated like this. These series of incidents could have set me back months.

I know that I have gained. I am semi-cool with the weight gain. I have been cleared to do exercise. And how dare that bitch tell me that I’m fat. She has no idea how low I have been, what I have been through and how hard I have worked.
I am finally starting to eat with others and not feel weird. She wasn’t taking this from me. So yes, I went to my editor. I don’t want her fired because she has worked there for years. I wish my mom was alive. She would know what to say to make me feel better. But I know she is proud at how I handled this.

So I am trying to get back to my happy place. A place where I was confident and proud of myself. Right now, I am okay. I covered my mirrors to keep myself from looking and stressing over my body. When I look in the mirror, I don’t see the confident and healthy girl I saw two weeks ago. I see someone who has let herself go.

I did have an emergency appointment with my therapist. And I was honest with Dr. M. I have stopped eating breakfast. Lunch is good because I am with the lunch bunch. But for the a few nights, dinner was toast with strawberry spread and a small salad.  We talked about this and developed a plan, which is working.

In the last few months, my husband and I have become friends again. I told him about this and he was very upset because he knows how hard I have worked to make progress. He told me that he was very proud of my progress and that I looked so good and healthy.

This is just a temporary speed bump. I can’t eliminate or restrict my eating. My job is too demanding. I need all my energy and strength to cover four school districts, a community college, nine small towns  and whatever else happens. Plus, I got two magazines, a website, a radio broadcast, Facebook and Twitter. And most importantly, a five year old who thinks I am awesome. There is no room in my life for ED.

Daily Dose
1.      Being able to see the Picasso exhibit in person. It was amazing.
2.      Finding an really cool jacket to wear to the art gallery tomorrow night.
3.      For having supportive friends who care about my well-being. (If you are reading this, you are one of those friends. So thanks!

5 comments:

  1. nobody has any business commenting on someone's food habits whether they are fat, thin, or in between. Especially someone you don't know that well. This behavior from her is very bizarre. Very bold and downright rude. I can't believe it! She has totally crossed the line and she needs to know that whether you tell her or your boss. I hope you can get past this bump in the road. She's not worth it. Seriously she is behaving very oddly.

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  3. She has no right to do any of the things she is doing. It is harassment. Sometimes I feel like I just don't understand people. Why should anyone who doesn't know you even care what you eat? And what has happened to simple politeness in our society? Why would anyone feel she had the right to call someone fat in the first place? What if someone called her ugly? Would she think that was okay?

    And it goes both ways. I remember when I was at my thinnest and there was this one coworker who always made cracks and jokes about how thin I was. And I was dying of anorexia! Then when I was trying to get better, I brought a regular soda to work (I can't drink diet pop because Nutrasweet gives me migraines) and another person said, "You don't drink regular pop. Why don't you have a diet Coke?" I ended up throwing the rest of it away, terrified I would gain from one soda. Then the first time I was weigh-restored, another coworker actually patted my stomach and said, "I see you have a little belly now." I was at an event and ended up throwing all my food in the trash, feeling incredibly self-concious. It was remarks like that that didn't help me while trying to get better for years. Finally, I just realized that many people aren't polite and they are going to say things no matter what.

    Now I just don't care. I know I need to be healthy in order to have a full and wonderful life. Say something like that to me now and I'm likely to tell the person to kiss my now-bigger a#@ if he or she doesn't like it. Don't give people more power than they deserve. You have come way too far.

    And I'm glad you told your editor. She could do this to other people, and she needs to be stopped.

    You are beautiful and don't forget it!

    *Hugs*
    Angela

    (Deleted first post because of a typo.)

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  4. I've been bullied before and this sounds just like it. I hope that you going to your editor will help you to get her behaviour under control. It's pointless and mean to pick on someone regardless and no matter what it is, it still hurts. Good for you for standing up for your rights be reporting her.
    *hugs*
    Sarah

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  5. No one has the right to make you feel horrible, just be the bigger person and just ignore the hoe. As a reader, i support you. =]

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