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Sometimes you slip....

I did something this morning that I haven't done in almost six months. I skipped a meal on purpose. Not because I wanted to sleep in or because I planned to eat it later.  My mom had a bad night that turned into an equally bad day. I was tired, frustrated and I just didn't want to eat. I didn't make myself.  I just laid on the day bed watching daytime television.

My mom fell while I was helping her use the bedside potty. I should have called a nurse to help. I knew she hadn't ate well throughout the day and was weak. While helping, she started to slide and I did the only thing I could do. I put myself between her and the floor. Thank God, there were no broken bones or bruises. I am suppose to be here to help make things easier for her. After the fall, she had trouble breathing which upset her even more and resulted in four nurses and two CNA in the room.  I didn't sleep. Later this morning, the doctor wanted her to have a chest x-ray. All of the movement resulted in her being naseus and throwing up.

I did go and buy some Apple Jacks. They are still on the table unopened. I am disappointed in myself because my mom and all the people on this floor are fighting for their lives. Some would killed to be able to eat and not be sick. And here I am squandering a chance. I must do better. I figured no one would know. My mom knows everything. She maybe sick but she doesn't miss anything.

We had a conversation about me taking care of myself. Plus, she is upset at my brother and dad for just leaving me here to handle things. I defended my brother because he takes care of everything when I'm in RR. My dad has pretty much thrown in the towel. Since I have been home (last Thursday), he has called a few times but visited once. This is rough on all of us. My mom wants me to shine the bat signal in the air. She wants a meeting of the three of us on Saturday. This will be interesting considering my brother is not my dad's son. In 12 days, I will celebrate a year at the newspaper. At that time, I will qualify for the Family Medical Leave. There is a lot to discuss. Plus, I need to get checked out but haven't been able to but I don't want to tell them. I may have to but I don't to do it.

Since my mom wasn't feeling good, I had her lunch so it wouldn't go to waste. Plus, I needed to eat something. It was turkey with dressing and fresh green beans. It wasn't bad. I don't know what they put boiled eggs in the gravy. I had strawberry granola bar and a popsicle  for a snack. So for now, I will take it meal by meal. All of the stress is getting to me.

Hopefully, later today I will get to see my son. My germaphobic husband doesn't want to bring him to the hospital. I really don't feel like driving to the mall 30 minutes away but if I have to do it, I will. I really want a hug from my little guy.

Daily Dose

1. Walking in the rain.

2. Buying an apple from the farmer's market set up on the grounds of the hospital.

3. Having my son tell me a joke that makes no sense and listening to him laughing about it. I'll take the little moments.


  1. Sorry your mom had a rough night. You really are helping so don't feel too bad about the fall.

  2. I hope you feel better soon. I can't imagine how you feel but I can try and I wish there was something I could say that would make you feel better. I hope tomorrow is better!

  3. Sorry about your mom's rough night. Don't feel too bad about restricting. It's your way of coping. I'm not saying it's healthy, but you can't compare your struggles to those in the hospital fighting to live. You are fighting to live too, in the sense that you are fighting to cope in a healthy way with a number of big life stressors... Thinking of you :) Sorry I haven't been commenting much lately!

  4. Please don't tell me you haven't had that lump checked yet??? You can't put that off, it could be very dangerous.

    Remember - you need to take care of yourself or you won't be any good to any one else.

    I'm sorry things are so rough. Please hang in there.



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