Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Seems like yesterday...

I think this is the quietest that JJ has ever been.
It seems like yesterday that I was worried about being a mother. In the beginning, there were a lot of questions on whether I could get pregnancy. My first was a miscarriage and the second was devastating stillbirth at six months. So a lot of concern was expressed on whether or not I could carry a baby to full term. Or if I was mentally stable to handle it. Let me tell you, it wasn't easy.  It was a daily struggle between ED and I. ED tried to break me but I persevered. I found a high risk pregnancy specialist in Raleigh. Once a week, sometimes even twice a week, I would travel an hour to see the doctor. And JJ would always have a strong heartbeat at every check up. And when he kicked, oh could he kick. I still think that he has a future in playing soccer. I remember when I found out that he was a boy. I was so happy. As a tomboy, I could relate more to a boy than a girl. But it didn't matter, he could have Jaime and I would have been happy. On the days leading up to his birth, I wondered would he love me or know the crazy lady who talked and read to him.  Before November 23, 2005, I didn't believe in love at first sight. But that day, I fell in love with a beautiful little boy. And he in love with me. Call me crazy but his little eyes lit up when I said hello to him. He knew my voice. I can remember when he first said mama. It was wonderful. There are no sweeter words.

It was love at first sight for both of us.

Recently, there have been days I have wanted to give up because I don't know if I am strong enough to defeat ED. There is so much going on and sometimes it is very overwhelming and scary. Recovery is hard. And then I look at him.
My little guy, who makes my heart sing.

I have braved heavy traffic, storms and drank milkshakes to maintain my weight so he would be born healthy and strong. I will do anything for him. He will always be my motivation for recovery. I know his future is bright. And I want to be there so I can see where that future takes him. Of course, now I have got to make sure he remains seated on the school bus. Even though, he doesn't like me saying it--he will always be my baby.

Daily Dose

1. My mother is being released on Friday. I can't wait to get out of here.

2. I don't think I can take much more hospital food.

3. Soon there will be more structure in my life.

7 comments:

  1. What a beautiful, sweet post. I had no idea about your past difficulties with pregnancy. It must have been such a total joy to have JJ. What an inspiration for your recovery :)

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  2. Beautiful words from your heart about JJ.
    He really is beautiful to look at too. Time flies when you have a child by your side.

    keep well for yourself and that gorgeous little man.

    xx robyn

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  3. Your son was and is still a cutie! They say there is nothing like a woman's love for her child....

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  4. You have such a sweet son. You should be so proud, he sounds like a great kid. Sending warm wishes your way for your family.
    Take care,
    Katrina

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  5. what a beautiful post! sending good thoughts your way. and your son is sooo stinkin precious by the way!!! xoxo

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  6. .. that story was so emotional! your little man is so cute and so lucky that has such a wonderful mom.
    I'm sure he knows it :)

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  7. you have a lovely voice. much positive energy to you during a very difficult time. no matter what our relationships, the loss or impending loss of someone who created us or who we have created is only understood by those of us who have been through it. i feel it deeply. thank you for continuing to share.

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