Skip to main content

Something is brewing...

Things are starting to change in not only my professional but personal life. Today, I did absolutely nothing. The most strenuous thing I did was change the channel on the tv. This upcoming week is going to be brutal for me. I will have four days to work and organize my life before going home. My mom needs me. Her last chemo session is suppose to be Tuesday. It depends on if the doctor thinks she is strong enough. I am going home to take care of her for a few days.

So today, I did nothing but read magazines and watch tv. At work, my name was drawn for two free movie tickets. I have yet to see Eclipse. I think I might walk up the street to the movie theatre tomorrow.

I still struggle with staying here or moving home. I feel guilty being here but I would be absolutely miserable being home. I love it here. I have finally found a place to call home. I want to be a good daughter and mother but I just can't move back. There are some jobs in the area now. Am I being a selfish person or preserving my mental health? I think I preserving my mental stability. I have never been the most stable and whole cookie in the package. There are always crumbs and cracks. I belong here. I want to be here. And damn it, they like me here. It is not often a person can say this.

But there is still the guilt. This last chemo session is going to be rough. All the signs are there. My mom was taken to the ER early Friday morning. She is recuperating from low potassium level and vomiting. I was packed and ready to hit the road. She told me to stay here and come home next week. She would really need my calmness then. My mom thinks I'm calm and cool with all of this. But I am so scared. I hate seeing her in pain. It hurts my soul to hear her vomiting. And I am terrified of the day when she will no longer be on this earth. But she thinks I'm calm. I wish I could snap my fingers and make it all better.

But the thing that scares me the most is what if cancer is somewhere lurking inside of me. Four of my mom's sisters and my grandmother died of some form of cancer. My aunt Em is a cancer survivor. My aunt Diane knows she is sick but refuses to do anything. Two cousins have found lumps in their breast. My 19-year-old pregnant cousin has early stage cervical cancer. So yeah, I am scared. Cancer is my family's legacy. And yesterday morning while showering, I found a lump in my breast.

Comments

  1. You found a lump? Please get it checked out! What a scary thing! My mom had a lump, but it turned out to be benign, thankfully.

    As for the life changes... I can imagine the guilt you feel, but I think you know, deep down, what's best for you. Honestly, you are no good to your loved ones if you are not happy and healthy. You have to focus on you first in order to be there, fully, for others. Go with your heart.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I often wonder the same thing. Cancer is in my family as well. Run do not walk to your doctor get it checked out and hope for the best.

    ReplyDelete
  3. You need to go this lump checked out immediately!!! Cancer runs in my family and after having an abnormal mammogram about two weeks ago, I had to go to the radiologist right away. It turned out to be a glandular mass and most likely not to cause cancer; however, I also have a family history of cancer (mom, dad, niece with melanoma at age 20, etc. etc.) and I have to get it rechecked in six months to make sure it hasn't changed and/or become malignant. I can't always feel it, but it's there.

    I can't stress enough - do not put this off!!!

    Regarding where you are - you are living and doing the things you need to do. Don't allow guilt to live in your head and run your life. You will be miserable and your mom would feel worse; she would want you to be happy.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Please, please, please, get the lump checked! It could be nothing...but it could be something. Don't put it off. It could be the difference between life and death (I know you know that).

    And, in terms of moving back home, I think that you should do what's best for you. I can't tell you what that is, but you know in your heart. Follow that! If you choose to stay put, your family will understand. Plus, these days there are a million ways to stay connected from far away -- telephone, Skype, etc. Your mom loves you and wants you happy. Good luck and be brave.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Stopping ED from gaining

One of the hardest things I had to ever do was to explain my ED to my 11-year-old son. His father had talked to him about it, which I have an issue with  because it is my story and not his. But I have tried to move beyond that.

Anyway, a few weeks I talked to him about it and explained it as best I could. I told him how he is my inspiration to stay in recovery. I know he needs his mom to be healthy to help handle growing up.
One thing I told him was that my relationship with food is not like his relationship. And there will always be a struggle for me. I take it one meal at a time.
I kept all of this in mind when I went to the doctor yesterday to ask for help. In the past three months, my appetite has disappeared. I eat because I don’t want to pass out or to be hospitalized. It hasn’t been easy. I could have let ED win when I realized what was happening. I have only lost 11 pounds. To some this is not much weight but to me it is.
The old me would have been happy about it. The recovering…

Spending time with my son

Memorial Day is always special for me as a reporter and a person. It is a chance to recognize who gave their life so I and others can have the freedom we have. 
Normally, I work and get to take Memorial Day holiday on another day. This year, I got a double bonus. 




I got to spend the long weekend with my son. Things some how worked that my son’s aunt met me halfway and JJ was able to spend three days in Pickle Land with me. He had a chance to see me working and spend quality time together.

JJ is now 11. He is squarely in the pre-teen world. His voice is changing along with other things. My baby is growing up and it scares me. He got to see my new teeth and loved them. He said it was nice to see me so happy. 
We had a chance to talk and just spend some time together. And in two weeks, he returns for a two week involving my week long vacation and a bunch of day camps. It has been a good few days.
The other part is my Memorial Day weekend is this weekend. I'm going to the Lake to hang with…

Adventures at Librari-Con with Samurai Batman

Recently, JJ and I made our second journey to the 11th annual Librari-Con at the Cumberland County Public Library in Fayetteville.  This is an annual anime/graphic novel/sci-fi mini convention that featured anime viewing, panels forums, Artist Alley, Cosplay Runway and more.
What made this event super awesome was the fact that the library was opened at the same time of the event.
For a year, JJ had talked about having a costume after not being able to wear one last year. He was a Samurai Batman.
Apparently, JJ had a growth spurt in the last few weeks so there was struggle getting him into his costume, but a little pulling, binder clips and prayer got the costume on him.

I decided to go as my favorite thing – a mother/photographer/bodyguard/book nerd wearing a Wonder Woman shirt.
JJ decided to add his own special touch to it with a trident and a Flash mask for me. I’m not sure what I was supposed to have been but I played along until lunchtime.
For the first hour, he played free video game…