Saturday, July 17, 2010

Something is brewing...

Things are starting to change in not only my professional but personal life. Today, I did absolutely nothing. The most strenuous thing I did was change the channel on the tv. This upcoming week is going to be brutal for me. I will have four days to work and organize my life before going home. My mom needs me. Her last chemo session is suppose to be Tuesday. It depends on if the doctor thinks she is strong enough. I am going home to take care of her for a few days.

So today, I did nothing but read magazines and watch tv. At work, my name was drawn for two free movie tickets. I have yet to see Eclipse. I think I might walk up the street to the movie theatre tomorrow.

I still struggle with staying here or moving home. I feel guilty being here but I would be absolutely miserable being home. I love it here. I have finally found a place to call home. I want to be a good daughter and mother but I just can't move back. There are some jobs in the area now. Am I being a selfish person or preserving my mental health? I think I preserving my mental stability. I have never been the most stable and whole cookie in the package. There are always crumbs and cracks. I belong here. I want to be here. And damn it, they like me here. It is not often a person can say this.

But there is still the guilt. This last chemo session is going to be rough. All the signs are there. My mom was taken to the ER early Friday morning. She is recuperating from low potassium level and vomiting. I was packed and ready to hit the road. She told me to stay here and come home next week. She would really need my calmness then. My mom thinks I'm calm and cool with all of this. But I am so scared. I hate seeing her in pain. It hurts my soul to hear her vomiting. And I am terrified of the day when she will no longer be on this earth. But she thinks I'm calm. I wish I could snap my fingers and make it all better.

But the thing that scares me the most is what if cancer is somewhere lurking inside of me. Four of my mom's sisters and my grandmother died of some form of cancer. My aunt Em is a cancer survivor. My aunt Diane knows she is sick but refuses to do anything. Two cousins have found lumps in their breast. My 19-year-old pregnant cousin has early stage cervical cancer. So yeah, I am scared. Cancer is my family's legacy. And yesterday morning while showering, I found a lump in my breast.

4 comments:

  1. You found a lump? Please get it checked out! What a scary thing! My mom had a lump, but it turned out to be benign, thankfully.

    As for the life changes... I can imagine the guilt you feel, but I think you know, deep down, what's best for you. Honestly, you are no good to your loved ones if you are not happy and healthy. You have to focus on you first in order to be there, fully, for others. Go with your heart.

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  2. I often wonder the same thing. Cancer is in my family as well. Run do not walk to your doctor get it checked out and hope for the best.

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  3. You need to go this lump checked out immediately!!! Cancer runs in my family and after having an abnormal mammogram about two weeks ago, I had to go to the radiologist right away. It turned out to be a glandular mass and most likely not to cause cancer; however, I also have a family history of cancer (mom, dad, niece with melanoma at age 20, etc. etc.) and I have to get it rechecked in six months to make sure it hasn't changed and/or become malignant. I can't always feel it, but it's there.

    I can't stress enough - do not put this off!!!

    Regarding where you are - you are living and doing the things you need to do. Don't allow guilt to live in your head and run your life. You will be miserable and your mom would feel worse; she would want you to be happy.

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  4. Please, please, please, get the lump checked! It could be nothing...but it could be something. Don't put it off. It could be the difference between life and death (I know you know that).

    And, in terms of moving back home, I think that you should do what's best for you. I can't tell you what that is, but you know in your heart. Follow that! If you choose to stay put, your family will understand. Plus, these days there are a million ways to stay connected from far away -- telephone, Skype, etc. Your mom loves you and wants you happy. Good luck and be brave.

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