Monday, May 24, 2010

Damned if I do and damned if it don't

Whenever things are going well for me, I get scared because when it goes downhill it goes. The last few days have been going well. Let me apologize for this rant but I need to get it off my chest.

I am a reporter. Reporters do not make much money. Between bills and gas to visit my mom and JJ, I try to send money to my husband for my son. Apparently, it is not enough for him. While at the art thing I was covering, I get this long text from my husband that thanked me for the money send but basically said I wasn't doing a good enough job. I can't win. When I wasn't on my meds, he was concerned with my state of mind. And now, I am not doing enough. It started with me sending a money order instead of a check. He said I could have added that money to the amount. I was having a nice day. It got shot to hell.

Some days I don't call my son because I don't want to deal with him. I could send more money but then I couldn't visit as often. As my mom gets sicker, she wants to see me more. What am I to do? I am trying my hand at freelancing for magazines. I don't know how successful it will be but I am trying. I paid the cell phone bill for both of our cellphones. I guess this doesn't count. Maybe I should start sending him my share instead of paying the whole thing. See how he like that. Okay that would be petty. Sometimes I wonder if I should have applied for the job closer to home. But I don't feel like starting over. I'll talk with his later this week. Today, I just don't have the energy.

2 comments:

  1. Being a reporter sounds like an awesome job-seeing as how I like to write and all. Too bad it doesn't pay more but I imagine that it's something you at least enjoy doing. Good luck with the freelancing!

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  2. This is so frustrating and hard, and I'm sorry you have to deal with it. Feel free to vent ANY TIME. You work very, very hard. You love your job. It's disheartening that the message you get is, "Do more, give more, etc." You are already giving so much of yourself (not just money-wise) -- with your husband, your son, your mom. I constantly think, "What about YOU?" You seem like you're taking care of yourself, and I commend you for that since you're being pulled in so many directions. I hope you have some peace with the family situation soon, and find solace in your work. You are doing more than enough, trust me.

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