Friday, March 8, 2013

Missing my mother


This has been a hard week. If my mother was alive Saturday, she would be 56 years old. It is hard to believe it has been more than two years since her death. There are so many times I want to pick up the phone and call her.

Josephine Lowery
Her number is still in my phone. After her death, I would call it and listen to her voice. 
With all of the uncertainty at the newspaper and other issues in my life, I just miss her voice and her words of wisdom. So when I am having trouble, I think about what she would say. And it helps me get through the day.

When things are really bad, I will dream about her. The dream is usually some incident that happened when I was younger but it always makes me feel better.

Growing up, I will admit I didn’t appreciate her like I should have. In fact, from my senior year of high school and for seven years after that, we didn’t really talk. Well, we did in 30 minute increments. This was how long we could hold a conversation without fighting. In my late teens and early 20s, I was in to the grunge scene and thrift stores. I would come home wearing plaid skirts, tights and combat boots. I can’t tell you how many times she would roll her eyes at me and asked when would I dress like a normal person. My mother was beautiful, wore makeup and always had everything in place. This wasn’t me. When my grandmother, who was everything to me, died in 1998 my mother had a realization. She told me later that she knew if she didn’t make a move that she would lose me forever. 

I am the black sheep of my family. I am different and am not ashamed to admit it. My grandmother was the link that kept me in the family. Everyone knew that when she died that my obligations to my family, in my mind, were over.  At my grandmother’s funeral, my mom hugged me  and said she hoped that she would see me soon. I almost fainted because I come from a family of non huggers. Anyway, after this she went out of her way to keep in touch with me. And this effort made me want to answer those phone calls from her. 

It took time but we build a relationship. I am so glad that years ago, I answered that phone call from my mother. I miss her greatly but I have no regrets.

I am glad she was there for my college graduation, my wedding and for the birth of my son. I am glad I was able to see what an awesome woman she was and how the lessons she taught me growing up still live on in me. Because of her, I am who I am today.

DAILY DOSE
1. Behold the power of orange soda!
2. Having people come up to me while at Cracker Barrel to thank me for articles I have written!
3.Counting down until vacation and time with JJ.

2 comments:

  1. oh honey, I remember those days back then...you were so strong standing beside your mother the whole time! you are still a wonderful daughter to her and I'm sure that she still guides you in some way..
    my grandmother passed out yesterday, and your post brought me again into tears..


    ReplyDelete
  2. Beautiful <3
    I think it is something to be really proud of, that you have been able to write and articulate this pain. And I am also sorry that you are having to mourn such a loss.
    My thoughts are with you, as always <3

    ReplyDelete

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