Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Restoring the soul with VACATION and making a decision

I am back at work after a week long vacation. It was just what my soul needed. 

Plus, I got to spend some much needed time with my son. I wish I could say we went to some cool place like Hawaii or France. Nope. 

We hung out in Pickleland and both of us were happy. We visited parks, a cool new library, toured downtown, watched cheesy sci fi movies and talked. 

Priceless moments that I will always treasure.

I am usually able to see JJ once a month. So our time together is precious. Seven days was an amazing treat. And to get a week means having to talk to JJ’s father. I will admit there are times I avoid physically talking with him and just text him. Sometimes it is easier to get your feeling hurt in a text than in a phone call. It was worth all of the planning, headaches and discussions.

JJ is getting older. And he is crazy smart. One of my goals for next summer is get my life and finances together so I can sign him up for various camps so he will have a more productive vacation.

During this vacation, he decided he was going to be The Cloak. And I would be Pen Woman. He gave me a back story where I accidentally pricked myself with radioactive pen and got super powers. I don't know where he comes up with this stuff.

Things have not been going well for me personally. I have had some dark days. JJ has no clue how much he is my light and motivation.

Denial is a strong force. But I overcame it and made a doctor’s appointment. I have started to restrict. I don’t want my son to know and worry. So I have an appointment. He is a crazy smart kid and can sense when things are wrong. He noticed I had lost weight and was wearing a belt. He simply said “I hope you are okay Mom and I love you no matter what.”
For him, my ED means I have issues. When we go to McDonald’s, he always orders fries and apples. He gives me the fries because he knows I like fries. He gives me fries so he knows I ate something in front of him.

He’s eight. I want him to worry about whether there will be another Iron Man movie or what book bag he should get for the new school year. I don’t want him worrying that his mother is not eating. So I have made an appointment.

I have worked very hard to have my dream job, a cute little apartment and an awesome son. So I have made an appointment, I will go to it and start back taking my meds again.

JJ has the potential to be veterinary, a scientist or anything he wants to be. And I want to be there cheering him on and making sure he has on clean underwear.

So I will see a doctor on Aug. 13 before things get any worst.

1. I have been drinking more water.
2. It's back to school time which means eventually all of it will be on clearance. YAY!!!
3. I love my Pookie Bear!

Thursday, July 17, 2014

Taking it one meal at a time

I have a confession.
 I am not doing well. I have been in denial. I have noticed my clothes are not fitting like they should and I am using a belt more. But I ignored it.
I have skip some meals. A little more than here or there. But I pretended everything was okay. I blamed it on a bad case of food poisoning.
Last week,  I visited my best friend. Nothing slips past her. She was polite but firm in her assessment. She looked me up and down and said I had lost 20 pounds and it was noticeable. And she was very worried.
Between the stress of the job, missing my friends, worrying about money and other things, eating has not been a priority. I am really not sure what to do.
I don’t want to go back on remeron. While I gained weight, it made me so anxious that I had to take anxiety medicine.
Currently, I am not taking any meds. I really wanted to handle life without medication. But I need to be honest with myself. I am one of those people who need medication.
I have found a new doctor and I made an appointment for Aug. 13. I have worked hard to get where I am physically, mentally and in my career.
I have prayed and asked God for some help. And it arrived in the form of Ms. L yestersay. She is the moderator of a new Overeaters Anonymous group here in the county.
She had sent me an email wanting to know if I could do a story. I am not familiar with OA. I thought it was for people who binge eat. Instead, it is for anyone with an eating disorder. Their meeting are once week after deadline for the newspaper.
The first step in having a problem is admitting you have one. The next step is finding help. So I will attend my first meeting next week.
I need to remain healthy so I can be the best possibly person, friend and mom that I can be.
My vacation is next week and my son will be joining me. I am looking forward to spending some quality time with him. My biggest fear is not having him able to visit me and I don't want him visiting me in a hospital.
My son knows I have issues and I am not perfect. So I need to do whatever is needed to get back on the path of recovery and health.
It starts one meal at a time.

1. Having a really good friend!
2. Finding help!
3. My vacation starts in five days!

Happy New Year!!!!

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