NotesFromtheVoices

Seeing the light at the end of the dark tunnel

2012-01-27T18:46:00.000-05:00

It is been forever since I have posted. Things are improving. This has been a rough week in terms of work but a good one mentally.

I have my first appointment with my new therapist in person in a few days. We have talked on the phone a few times. I went back to my old therapist. We both realized that I needed more than he could give.

It was pretty lengthy phone conversation with her asking a lot of questions. The appointment is Feb. 8 so she go through all of my past records. As we talked, she asked me about episodes of depression, my ED and medications.

Dr. X asked me how the various meds made me feel. I told her for about three months each would be okay. But then slowly the more I took the meds, the more anxious I would feel. And usually, I would taper myself off of them because it. I told how my mood changed constantly in a day. Honestly, I think everyone goes through this.

This feeling is hard to describe. There have been days when I literally wanted to cut myself out of my body. And I don't want to hurt myself. I just feel so anxious and jittery. I feel like things are out of control.

Then she said something that really surprised. Dr. X asked if I had ever been diagnosed as bipolar. When I think of bipolar disorder and schiphozenia, those are two major categories on the mental illness scale. She said it was something she wanted to look into because most of my psych focus has been on ED and depression. "But I gut tells me there is more to it," Dr. X said. "I need to get all of your past medical records."

Dr. X said if she is right, it could be past and current medications that are causing the anxiety. I am still trying to process all of this. Dr. X has a background in ED. I checked her out good. She is not in RR but 20 minutes away in Virginia. I am feeling very positive and first time in weeks, I feel hopeful that someone knows what they are doing. I am on a low dose of remeron. She doesn't want me to completely stop yet but doesn't want me on the 60 mg of it either.

With my ED, I am doing a little better. Every morning, I have a piece of toast with new Philly White Chocolate spread. It is awesome. Lunch is always with D. It helps me because meals are hard. Dinner is a Stouffers or Marie Calendars meal. It is just easy that way. Everything is there on one plate. Of late, all of the choices have been hard.

Stopping a downward spiral

2012-01-13T08:59:00.000-05:00

In the past, my birthday has always been a trigger for me to relapse or get anxious. But for the past two years, my birthday has been my birthday. A day to celebrate my birth.

Around Thanksgiving, I started feeling different. December was just a month of misery. I now realize that my meds had stopped working. So here I stand at a crossroad--I can increase the dosage and continue on my merry way or not. Remeron not only stabilizes my mood but gives me an appetite.

I haven't had one since Thanksgiving. I eat based on time. If it is 7:15 a.m., it is breakfast. By noon, I must eat lunch and dinner between 6 and 7 p.m. If I increased the dosage, the appetite comes back for awhile but I will gain more weight. This is why I was taking Seroquel to help with anxiety. I don't think there is a enough Seroquel in the world to deal with my anxiety.

And while my therapist is being helpful, he admitted this is beyond him. So we are looking for a therapist outside of the area who can help me. This means I will probably be traveling to Virginia. Something needs to be done. My apartment is looks like my mind--cluttered and messy. But the kitchen is spotless and the trash is taken out because I am not filthy. But the mirrors are covered and my closet is almost empty. Each morning, I try on clothes and freak out. This has resulted in piles of clothes in my bedroom, hallway and living room.

It is interesting that I have managed to keep it together at work. I give the illusion that I am this reporter who knows what she is doing. But in reality, I just want to go back to bed. On my phone are tons of messages and texts from friends that I just don't have the energy to answer. There is no intention of hurting myself. But my hobby of the last few weeks has been sleeping. Most nights, depending on when I get home, I am in bed. My beautiful bed has become my oasis. Cocooned in my comforter and blanket, I feel like nothing can touch me. I dread when the alarm goes off at 6:45 a.m. This means I must leave the safety of the bed and deal with life.

But do you know what made me really realize I need to do something and something fast. I have been ignoring my stomach growling. I was content to be hungry. This is not good. I have a phone consultation with the possible new therapist today. Other signs include not wanting to eat with my friends, being obsessed with cooking shows (they take the place of eating) and just not caring. No one else knows these feelings. My friends sense something is wrong.

I have too much at stake for this downward spiral to continue. So today I am starting the climb back up.

Disturbance in the world of Jack

2012-01-10T09:36:00.000-05:00

Let me start by saying that I am okay. And considering the way crime is in RR, it could have been a lot worst. I keep odd hours. I can leave for work at 7:30 a.m. and sometimes I don't come home until 8 or 9 p.m.

Last Friday night, I actually got done early at 5 p.m. and went to the grocery store. While at the store, I debated canned peas or frozen peas (very important later). I ended up with canned ones because the frozen brand I like was not at Food Lion.

I drive home in a fairly decent mood because I will be home before 6:30 p.m. and can watch the news. I live on a street with lots of duplexes and kids. The road running parallel to my street is very busy, no sidewalks and no street lights. People walking tend to walk in people's yards so they don't get hit by a car. Plus, pedestrians and bikers in RR, don't wear light colored clothes at night. This puts them at serious risk for injury. This is a personal pet peeve of mine. I pull into my driveway, park in front of my apartment, turn out the lights and do my nightly debate--can I carry everything or make two trips. Friday night for once I decided on two trips. As I am getting out of my car, a guy comes from around the corner. My instinct of saving my life kicks in and I throw the can of peas at him. I was aiming for the crotch but got the stomach. He screams, I scream and I get back into the car. I lock the door, grab my phone and am prepared to lay on the horn.

Him--What the hell is your probably lady?
Me--Why are you in my yard?
Him--I'm walking home. Who hits someone with a can?
Me--You are too far into my yard. I sensed danger. I defended myself.
Him--With (picking up the can) peas?

The man continues on his way. I hurry into my apartment. After calming down, I realize how funny it is. Yes, I could have been hurt especially if he had bad intentions. But he was just a guy who got in my personal space. I am a little more careful at night now along with coming home during the day to turn on the porch light and a inside light. But it is nice to know that I can defend myself with whatever is at hand. Plus, the peas were really good later with my grilled chicken and rice.

DAILY DOSE

1. Being handy with a can of peas.

2. It is okay to spend most of your day off in bed.

3. Girl with the Dragon Tattoo is an AWESOME movie. My first movie to see in 2012.

Happy New Year!!!

2012-01-01T12:18:00.000-05:00

I made a new friend!!!

Happy 2012!!!

I had a great time New Year's Eve. It was nice to get dressed up to go out and have a good time for free. It was awesome with free food with an Indian twist along with Caribbean steel band, belly dancers, karoke and line dancing. I even joined the Conga line. I think the photos best illustrate my night.

My friends and I posing.

I joined the Conga line. I had never done this before.

More Conga with Jackie!

Me with a balloon hat.

Me and D!!!

Last pic before the midnight hour!

We left the party at about one minute after 12 but we had a great time. Once I got home, I did dance around the living room in my heels and dress. It felt nice. I had a great time. I definitely plan to do more things like this.

DAILY DOSE

1. Stepping outside of my comfort zone!
2. Making more of an effort!
3. Becoming comfortable in my own skin!

Sayonora Christmas!!!

2011-12-28T16:46:00.001-05:00

Christmas is a time of good tidings and joy. The last few weeks have been a time of anxiety and angst for me. I didn't spoil Christmas for the rest of the world. But I was so happy to see Dec. 26 come, I could hardly stand it. I think all of the events of the last few years came to a head this season. Overall, it hasn't been a bad year but the last few months have been tough.

Another reason for being happy about Dec. 26. It starts the last week of the year. Of the 52 weeks in the year, it is the most peaceful and quiet for me. The schools and colleges are closed. People are in decent moods. It is a week of zen. A week of not working late. A week of eating at table and not over the sink. It means no setting the burglary alarm at work and worrying about my safety in the dark parking lot. I get to go home and just veg. Love the last week of the year!!!

Plus, I got plans for New Year's Eve. A cardiology practice is celebrating their 25th anniversary with a big celebration Saturday night. I will be taking some pictures for our magazine. The event will have a steel band, a magician and exotic dancers. Yes, exotic dancers. They took out a full page ad in the newspaper for it. And get this, the party is free with alcohol and food and I get paid to attend. I wanted to be more sociable so here it goes. I went through my closet and found the perfect dress for the event. This will be interesting. I agreed to work so I couldn't come up with an excuse not to go. I will have to have someone snap a photo of me at the event.

DAILY DOSE

1. Homemade spaghetti from a co-worker
2. Turkey burgers and a salad for dinner
3. Getting home before dark!!!!

Becoming less of an hermit in 2012

2011-12-17T19:39:00.000-05:00

I am not a social butterfly. Without my job as a reporter, I would be a hermit.

For the first time since I moved to RR, I am having weekend guests at my apartment. My son and husband don't count because there is no expectation of me being neat. My college roommate is coming with the guy she is dating and his three small grandchildren for a visit. It took me a week to get the apartment presentable for others to see. It looks like something out of a magazine. I was so amazed Friday night that I just sat on the couch because I was scared I would mess it up. My record for neatness is, well there isn't a record because I am not a neat person. I have the best intentions but life and work usually get in the way. So for now, it has been one day of neat.

It really hasn't been a visit because they arrived at 2:30 a.m. this morning. I let them in, say hi and went back to bed. I left them at 9:15 a.m. still sleeping so I could go to work. I thought maybe I could meet up with them at the family party. But then a woman decided to stab and kill another woman so I am still at work waiting on a phone call from the police chief. Normally, I would head home after a long day like this and watch a movie. Tonight, I will try to be sociable to my guest and find out about their day. I even rented some movies for the little ones.

My goal for 2012 is to try to be more sociable. I have went weeks without talking to some of my friends and family. It is a combination of a heavy workload and wanting to be left alone on what little free time I get. So I am making an effort. There is this big free New Year's Eve party here. I volunteered to shoot it for the magazine. This year, I will ring in the New Year in a nice dress, heels and makeup instead of my Curious George pajamas, my squishy pillow and a bag of Cheetos.

Daily Dose

1. Be able to document one of the Police Departments taking kids Christmas Shopping.

2. My apartment is clean.

3. Trying to master the art of socializing!!!

My happy place has let me down

2011-12-09T17:06:00.000-05:00

When I am having a bad day, my go to happy place is the library. It is something about the quiet and orderly stacks of books that calms my soul. Today, my happy place let me down. I learned today as I was checking out some dvds and a book I have been waiting to read that I do not live in the city of RR based on my address. Because of this, I would have to pay $15. I have had this library card for a year. This never came up when I got the card. I love the library. I love it so much that at times I go out of my way to make sure the RR library and others in the area get very good coverage. In fact, I cover them much like I cover education. I see them as a vital part of the community. I know library is strapped for cash so I didn’t make too much of a fuss. But like I said this didn’t come up a year ago when I got the card. It just bothers me a lot. Will it mean a decrease in coverage? No. Will I stop visiting it? No. It just means that my happy place will never be the same again.

The reason my day is bad is because I didn’t sleep last night. The mouse in the house situation has reared its ugly head again. Every bit of the poison put is gone. And last night, I heard mouse squeaking that honestly freaked me out so bad that almost left the house to go hang out at work at 3 a.m. This means war. I have brought more poison and candles because this battle is about to really ugly and smelly. My guess is there are mice babies around now.

In trying to find mice bodies, I have come to realization that I have too much stuff. I will admit after my mother’s death that I brought a lot of stuff to fill the emptiness. Things like clothing, pens, books and blank notebooks. Plus when I moved from the motel to an apartment, I didn’t unpack everything. So now I am going through stuff.

For instance I found a tote filled with Curious George stuff. I have quite a collection. I can’t give it to JJ because he has declared George is for babies. But he would take an item if it made me happy. So I have decided to donate some of the items to local school libraries and public libraries. I know George will be appreciated and taken care of.

As for my James Dean collection, I am not ready to go there yet.

Since I couldn’t sleep last night, I cleaned out two totes of stuff. If I couldn’t sleep, then something got accomplished. My goal is to have everything sorted by March 1. I found small tote full of writing pens. After going through them, I could actually give two pens to each person in the newsroom with plenty left over. Note to self: stop buying pens!

DAILY DOSE

1. Friday is finally here!

2. My editor loved my more than 1,100 word story on the merging of two high schools.

3. The only thing that stands between me and relaxing is DH Christmas Party.

Countdown to the weekend has begun!!!!

2011-12-07T13:44:00.000-05:00

I woke up wishing today was Friday. It has been a long week and it's only Wednesday. All of this education reporting is kicking my butt. Late nights and early mornings are rough. I realize today that I am spending too much time at the office coffee pot.

One big thing stands in the way of a weekend of relaxing and sorting through stuff--office christmas party. An event that strikes fear in the heart of many here. If it was just the newsroom, I would be cool with it but it's not. I mean folks are nice here but I don't want to spend my evening off with them. The event isn't mandatory but it's mandatory. But at least it is catered by a really good caterer.

I haven't heard anything about the job I applied for. I am cool with it. I realize that I am going to expand my opportunities in 2012. I am tired of working for peanuts. I mean I appreciate those peanuts because they keep the lights on and gas in the vehicle but that is about it. I know this means I might have to leave writing for awhile but sometimes you do what you have to do.

In other news, I have figured out i-movie. We are required to shoot at least one video a month for our website. I worked on my this morning at it looks like a mini production. I am no Steven Spielberg but I am did okay.

Today, my grandmother would have been 97 years old. I can honestly say that she is 90 percent responsible for the person that I am today. She was an incredibly awesome woman. Growing up, I was a grandma's girl. I was her shadow and learned so many life lessons from her. She only had a sixth grade education but she was the smartest person I ever knew. If we ever have a zombie apocalypse, I think I could survive a few months based on the things she taught me. Thanks to her, I can kill, cut up and cook an entire chicken; what green stuff one can eat in the woods and other priceless information. So I say to my grandma in heaven--"Happy Birthday Grand! I miss you and say hi to mom for me."

DAILY DOSE
1. Going to bed early makes for a great day.
2. Finding mice bodies! Operation Destroy Mouse in the House was a success!
3. Making the chicken and rice that is yummy and nutritious!

2011-12-02T10:15:00.000-05:00

Tonight, I am doing something for myself. I am not a Christmas person but I am going to a tree lighting. Partially for self and to show some video for the newspaper but mostly for me. I am actually looking forward to freezing in a horse drawn carriage. I was invited by the mayor of one of the towns I cover as a special guest. I decided why not. Otherwise, I would probably be on the couch reading or plotting the demise of the mice. (More on that later). Even though, I haven't believed in Santa Claus in a long time, I do get excited to see the big guy in red. I can't explain why but I do. JJ still believes and I will do anything to keep magic alive for him. I think I will record a special message from Santa to JJ.

In other news, I have triumphed in the mouse in the house battle. I have captured a few critters. Well actually, the glue trap got them. Hopefully, this is the end of the battle. But to be on the safe side, all traps and the poison will stay. I know I sound cruel but mice in house have wrecked havoc. I have had to throw out food and other items. I was trying to be patient and humane but then the critters got into my Lucky Charms. They made me mad. I noticed last night that all of the poison that looks like green Froot Loops is gone. In a few days, whatever is eating that will be a goner. This means the winter clean is on because I need to figure out where those little bodies are. Once again, I am not a cruel, sadistic person but those mice chewed on some important things.

JJ getting a hug from the Shriners' Bulldog at the Conway Christmas Parade. JJ has a blast at his first Christmas parade.

I am tired but a happy tired. JJ enjoyed himself here in RR. I took him home Sunday. And for a few hours on Monday, I was the mom. I got him ready for school and dropped him. And before I left SC to head home, I had lunch with him in the cafeteria. The cafeteria serves really good lemonade. As for the food, it was so-so. But JJ was happy to have a family member eating lunch with him. His classmates looked at me like I some sort of alien. Overall, a good Thanksgiving. Hopefully next year, the communication will be much better.

DAILY DOSE

1. Finding a Hardee's Cheddar biscuit on my desk.

2. Going shopping in my own home.

3. Looking into side gigs to make extra money. Maybe my true talent lies in extermination!

A Thanksgiving full of surprises (the return of JJ)

2011-11-26T17:47:00.000-05:00

Happy Thanksgiving!! This Thanksgiving will go down in the record books. My husband changed his mind and JJ has been with me for a few days.

In the last few days, I have watched my baby turn six and the dismantling of a family. When I first met my future husband's family, I was amazed by their closeness. There was a big Sunday dinner once a month. Thanksgiving, Christmas and other events were nice.

But since the death of my mother-in-law, things have went downhill with the family. I don't know what made my husband change his mind but he did. Along with an apology for any trouble he caused me.
Honestly, I accepted it and took my child back with me. It is only a few days. JJ has school on Monday but it has been nice. My baby is learning to read. And if he doesn't know a word, he will ask for the meaning.

We have read several books, watched some dvds and played at the park. Plus, he got to see Mommy be a reporter. I had to cover a Christmas parade. He said it was great for two reasons. He got to see what I do and get tons of candy. At parades here, they throw out tons of candy. Christmas parades are so much more bearable with a child in tow.

I have to admit am I exhausted but will be sad to take him home tomorrow. The visit has gone by too quick. We return to SC Sunday with me taking JJ to school on Monday and having lunch with him before returning to RR. I have to be back at my desk at 8 a.m. Tuesday.

Once the holidays are over, my husband and I are going to talk about the visitation and other issues. Holidays are rough for both of us so why make them even more complicated.

DAILY DOSE (JJ edition)

1. Being able to spend a few days with my son.

2. Christmas parades are so much better with a child.

3. Hugs and kisses from JJ.

Taking the high road when I really want to do something awful

2011-11-16T09:48:00.000-05:00

JJ will not be coming to RR for a visit. To say that I am disappointed and angry is the understatement of the year. My son is wise beyond on young life and has dealt with things most kids haven't--death of two grandmothers, a mom with ED and his parents' separation. It is a lot for a child to deal with at the age of five. His dad asked him about a visit with me in RR. But with everything, it depends all in how you explain. My son thinks he is being sent to live with me so he doesn't want to come for a visit because he is scared that he can't come back.

I could be a real bitch and force the issue and make him come. But the whole visit would have JJ wondering in the back of his mind if he is being forced to stay. So instead, I will travel south for his birthday and spend a few days with my son. I will take the high road. But make no mistake, it is known how upset I am. I will not ruin my child's birthday. He deserves to have his magically day where he is king. We will go to the movies, buy him his favorite toy and do what he wants.

When we talked on the phone last night, I asked him what he wanted for his birthday. He wants a Thundercats action figure. I used to watch Thundercats as a kid. I said I would try to find one. He told me not to worry about because Santa would take care of it. JJ told me that only thing for his birthday from me is me. He just wants me. It made me feel good and wanted. I miss a lot not being with him everyday.

I have to admit, I am very sad. I wanted him here for Thanksgiving. I had made many plans involving parks, movies and cooking. And instead, I have to put on a brave face. These are the things you do for your child. Sometimes you sacrifice your happiness for the greater good--a pretty well adjusted kid, who is awesome. So I take the high road even though I want to gut my husband like a fish. Because this is what he has done to me.

Daily Dose

1. The cheddar biscuit from Hardees--Those things are addicting.

2. Grey's Anatomy--The show has gotten its groove back.

3. My sweet awesome son

Wishing I was still in bed and other Monday adventures

2011-11-14T11:48:00.000-05:00

My get and go is still in bed this morning. This is price one pays when they put really good sheets on the bed. I didn’t want to get up this morning. I just wanted to stay in bed and enjoy it. Note to self--must win lottery. My weekend was semi-productive when I wasn’t sleeping. I cleaned and mop both the kitchen and bathroom. I made a homemade pasta meal with chicken, rotina pasta, a cheese sauce and onions. I was pretty proud of it. I am no Paula Deen but I did okay.
Threw out a 39 gallon garbage bag full of stuff.

In nine days, JJ turns the big six and then he will hopefully come up here for a few days. Honestly, I am starting to lose hope. I think the husband is having second thoughts. I am trying to control my anger. I know the holiday are going to be rough since this is the first year without his mother. But don’t get my hopes up only to dash them. I miss my mother also. Thanksgiving was our holiday. And it will never be the same without her. I was told that JJ has two weeks off for Christmas. I don’t have that time off for Christmas. Time off at Christmas is a big no-no. Sometimes I just want scream.

Found a pawn shop here that is selling three dvds for $5. I found some that I hadn’t seen. I am a major book person with books all around my room. I’ll have to post a picture. I love waking up and seeing my book shelves. It helps me get centered each morning. I like watching movies but if there is a choice between buying a book or a dvd. The book always wins. This weekend, I am going with a friend from to watching Breaking Dawn, part 1. It is not a priority movie to see but I know K just lost her dog of 14 years and she is pretty bum. Not mention, she is getting over pneumonia. Sometimes, you just need a movie watching buddy so I will go. Besides, she has been talking about this movie for a year. She is hyped and I am a little more subdued about it.

It is almost lunch time so I think I will head home for some tomato bisque soup and a grilled cheese sandwich. And then sneak in a little nap in my beautiful bed.

Daily Dose

1. My bed

2. I am glad for the option to make choices.

3. Wondering when Cowboys and Aliens comes out on dvd. I need my Daniel Craig fix.

Recovering from Election Night

2011-11-09T10:05:00.000-05:00

I am so glad that election day only happens once a year! Right now, I am so tired that coffee didn't put a dent into it.

And while I am grateful for the right to vote in this country. I dread elections with a passion because it means a late night and then right back in here at 7:30 a.m. I am not a morning person at all. Normally, I have to be at work at 8 a.m. I don't roll out of bed until 7:15 a.m. I live two miles from the newspaper and I take full advantage of this proximity. Actually, I wake up at 6:55 a.m. Get up, head to the couch and watch the news until 7:15 a.m. Then I shower and get ready. I am a creature of habit and hate for my process to mess with.

With election night, it means there are only 17 days before JJ returns to RR. My goal for this week is to clean out the back bedroom so I can find his toys. It will be the first place he hits for when he hits the door. In my cleaning, I have discovered I am quite a pack rat. I found a box of clothes full of size fours that I am donating. I am trying to streamline my life but it isn't easy. I am a person who accumulates a lot of stuff. Not pizza boxes and gum wrappers but things like blank notebooks, pens and the right coat for the right day.

Growing up, I didn't have much along with the fact that there wasn't much space. I grew up in a three bedroom home with 10 people. In high school, I shared a room with four people. I guess as an adult with plenty of space, I accumulated plenty of things. So I am spending weekends going through items. JJ will be surprised because he knows his mommy is not neat. But honestly, he will not care because he loves me.

DAILY DOSE

1. Coffee is amazing when you are tired.

2. A cute tunic and leggings go a long way early in the morning.

3. Getting a handle on being disorganized!!!

Battling the duo--fatigue and ED

2011-11-03T17:51:00.000-04:00

Despite my best efforts this week, I have worked late hours each day. I try to take it easy on the last week of the month because I have to be on the go all the time for meetings. This week has rough. I realize I am falling back into some old habits that could lead me straight back to ED. One, I am consume with wanting to be alone and sleeping. And wanting to eat alone. These are my warning signs. It has taken a longtime to realize this but I am glad I do.

So I am trying to be proactive. I am looking getting more involved in the community or doing something outside of Reporter Jackie. I just want to be Jackie. But I am finding that to be hard because everyone wants Reporter Jackie to make sure their organization is in the newspaper.

Plus, I got some interesting texts from the husband last night. He told JJ about the upcoming Thanksgiving visit. JJ wasn’t happy because his dad told him that he wasn’t coming. JJ is five and he wants his parents to be together. He enjoys when the three of us are together. We will talk about this later today. I was approved for the time off. Honestly, if he can't come up here. I probably will not stay there. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. There is something about good food and gratitude that warms my heart. Christmas is my least favorite holiday. Some of my worst memories center around that holiday.

Right now, I am just venting because I am tired, overworked and stressed about everything. For all the work I do at this newspaper, I make slightly over minimum wage. The mantra of do more for less has gotten old with me and several of my co-workers. How can one person expect to churn out stories for the newspaper, two magazines and other things in 40 hours. It is insane. I am being patient until January and then I will ask about a raise.

Yesterday was my breaking point. For weeks, I have worked on the cover story for our women's magazine. I was pretty proud of it. I found out on Wednesday that the boss' boss wanted a holiday cover so my story was pushed to February. Not only do I have to tell the lady I wrote the story about that it is not coming out this year but I also had to come with an alternate story for the cover. I spent yesterday afternoon doing a photo shoot for a holiday food. And while the food looked great and tasted great, it put me behind on other things. I got home before 10 p.m. last night.

I am grateful to have a job in this economy. But sometimes I feel that myself and fellow folks are being taken advantage of. We give so much but get nothing in return except more work. I just needed to vent. If things fester, they lead to ulcers.

DAILY DOSE

1. The cheddar biscuit from Hardees is amazing.

2. I am cooking lunch at my apartment for a friend. Trying to break cycle of being a hermit.

3. A little over 20 days before JJ returns to RR!!!!

formspring.me

2011-10-28T15:12:00.001-04:00

Ask me anything http://www.formspring.me/SillyGirl2512

Donating blood and other adventures

2011-10-25T20:00:00.002-04:00

Yesterday was an interesting day. It started with a perfectly plan day ending with me hoping to see a play written, practiced and performed by a group of students in a week. Instead, I was sent a boring event because my boss' boss wanted it.

It dampen my whole day because not only did I have only 5.5 hours left but my opinion didn't matter. The old me would have plotted various ways of revenge. Instead, I decided to channel my anger for the forces of good. I donated a pint of blood. I hate needles and don't like seeing my blood outside of my body. But it was nice knowing that I helped someone who may need blood. Rechanneling my anger and displeasure has become my new thing. I have decided I don't want it to consume me and until I figure out what else I want to do, it prevents me from being all angry and unpleasant to be around.

Anyway, I donated my pint of blood, got to eat some snacks and got a cool tote out of the deal. And if things go well, in 50 something days, I can do it again.

Today, I am in a better frame of mind. The cleaning process of my apartment is going. The living room actually looks half livable but the hallway, my bedroom and the spare room looks like a crazy but well dressed person lives there. It has to be cleaned by Nov. 20. I need to make a list tonight and tackle it. I know JJ will not care. He wants to spend time with me in RR. But I want to create the illusion of a somewhat neat mommy.

Daily Dose

1. The Jumbo Fudge Sticks by Keebler are AWESOME!

2. Day two of trying to drink more water has been going well.

3. I don't have the neat gene. I am mess but not filthy. There is a difference.

An early Christmas present

2011-10-19T21:35:00.000-04:00

I am keeping my fingers cross but I think JJ will be spending his Thanksgiving break with me in RR. I am so excited. It means I have one month to clean and prepare for him. I can't wait.

This will be my husband's first Thanksgiving without his mom and wanted to make sure JJ had a good holiday. Also JJ's birthday is the day before Thanksgiving. I am so excited that I can hardly type. I miss him so much when he isn't here.

Things have interesting. My newsroom got new apple computers. These bad boys are sweet. I don't like change but I have to say I am embracing this one well. My old computer is circa 2000. I couldn't use You Tube or Twitter.

If I wasn't still at work, I would do a happy dance. Tomorrow, I turn in the time off forms. I am happy because I consider this an early Christmas present.

DAILY DOSE

1. Grilled Cheese sandwiches and tomato bisque soup

2. My new computer at work

3. Being able to spend some quality time with JJ

It's my birthday!!!!!

2011-10-12T10:36:00.001-04:00

I am still battling my cold. It is a rainy outside but I don't care. It's my birthday!!! I honestly never thought I would live to be 38 years old. I always figured ED would win.

But so far, I have shown her. I have a sweet little boy and a pretty decent life. It's not perfect but I am pleased. Even though, I am trying hard to get rid of this cold. I noticed something. This is the first cold I have had since seriously committing to ED recovery.

In the past, colds were awfully. They always turned into bronchitis, upper respitatory infections or pneumonia. But now, mind and body are stronger which has enabled me to be healthier.

I am 38 years old. It is just weird to say this. I refuse to dwell on the past and how much I have lost. I will continue to enjoy the present and look to the future. I feel blessed and don't want to squander what I have been given. I want to be the best possible mother and role model to my son.

As a part of my continued growth, I donated the reminder of my size two and three clothes to Ms. W's informal clothes closet. As I went through the clothes, I realized two things--one, I have a pretty good fashion sense and two, I was not meant to be those sizes. Over the weekend, I looked at some photos of myself and I looked sick. And not the good sick. Each day, I am becoming more and more comfortable with who I am and who I have become.

I am so grateful for the support of my friends (online and everyday life). I started this blog to give myself a voice when I didn't have one. Being Silly Girl has allowed me to work through many issues, heartaches and triumphs. It was a good alias but I feel now I am ready to face the world as me Jacqueline Hough. No more Silly Girl except for one special person.

I don't know what the future holds for me but I do feel I can take whatever it wants to dish out. Normally, I dread my birthday but not this year. I am glad to be alive. For the first time since I was 15, I am healthy. It is a very good feeling.

DAILY DOSE

1. Having my son sing Happy Birthday!!

2. Being given a carrot cake (my fave) at work along with presents.

3. Having the gift of health!!

Sick and delirious but happy

2011-10-04T21:08:00.000-04:00

I had an AWESOME weekend with my son!!!!!!

JJ and I

Unfortunately, I brought a nasty cold home with me. I was only at work for an hour and half Monday. The rest of the day and night were spent in my comfy bed with the edges blurred by Nyquil and other cold medicine.

Honestly, I feel like the living dead. I shouldn't be at work but news never stops. Even though I feel bad, I had a great weekend with JJ. So it is worth feeling like road kill. For JJ, Saturday was an adventure of various places culminating in seeing a movie and having McDonald’s afterwards. For me, it was an adventure of staying awake and coherent.

We went to the library (or libraries), Goodwill and Big Lots. JJ loves going to the $2 movie theater. We watched Mr. Popper’s Penguins. It was not a choice of mine. I was miserable watching the movie but had a great time watching him watch the movie.

This is my favorite photo of my son. It captures the essence of JJ.

When you are five, everything is magical and exciting. As grown ups, we lose this. My son still sees the wonder and excitement in everything. Plus, he thinks I am the most awesome person in the world. And right now, it is what I need to hear. I can't imagine my life without him. He is my heart and soul. He keeps me going when things dreary and sad.

Daily Dose

1. Nyquil

2. Kleenex with aloe

3. My beautiful little boy. I love all 46 inches of him!

Angry shouldn't be a state of mind

2011-09-28T16:26:00.000-04:00

I should change my name from Silly Girl to Angry Girl. I am tired of being angry. I wake up this way and go to bed this way. Yesterday, I was so mad that I almost kicked a dog and tripped a co-worker. I didn't do it but I thought about it. This is not healthy. I am frustrated by how things are going in my life (mainly work). I don't like being so negative and bitter at the world. I mean I am not a happy go lucky person but I do try to have a balance. Balance is good. It keeps the karma good.

So I am taking matters in my own hand to find a balance. I felt better after going to church Sunday and I am going home to visit JJ this weekend. He always makes me feel better about life.

To keep things in perspective I am working on a list of things I am grateful. My list keeps me in a a happy place.

I am grateful for :

1. My son JJ, who is my heart and soul.

2. My favorite aunt Em, who reminds me of my mother.

3. My shoe collection that represents my many moods.

4. My purse collection, which is stored in what should be the pantry full of food.

5. Being able to tune ED out 85 percent of the time.

6. Blasting my favorite songs on the radio while dancing around the living room.

7. Chicken tenders with ranch dressing

8. Chicken alfredo made by the cool catering chick

9. Having the ability to write 350 words on a subject for an article when there is really nothing to write.

10. Knowing its okay to veg on the couch while reading magazines and eating Snapple popsicles.

11. Snapple popsicles--how I love thee

12. Understanding the importance of being the family photographer

13. Listening to my son and nephew talk while eating cookies and drinking juice. It is like watching two little old men in the bodies of five-year-olds. The Spongebob vs Bob the Builder was the funniest conversation I have ever overheard.

14. Having a giant pancake with tons of butter, syrup and bacon for lunch.

15. Reminding myself that this job provides the insurance for the meds I need to help me make it through each day. So I am grateful for my remeron. That one little pill makes all the difference in the world.

There are more things but these take me to a happy place. And help to take me from being Angry Girl to Silly Girl.

I am the little girl from "Signs"

2011-09-17T18:20:00.000-04:00


Sweater--$2 Leggings--$5 Boots--$1.50 Feeling like a million bucks--priceless

One of my favorite movies is the "Signs" with Mel Gibson, Joquain Phoenix and Abigail Breslin. During the movie, Breslin's character has several glasses of water sitting around. She says the water taste funny. I bring all this up because I have somehow become that girl.

As I was cleaning up today, I noticed there various water bottles and glasses with liquid in them throughout the apartment. The same can be said about my car and my desk at work. It doesn't taste funny but somehow I have managed to accumulate all this liquid.

The temperature has dropped here. I have been unpacking sweaters and cool boots. For instance, today I looked quite the fashionista in my green and black sweater with leggings and boots. For the first day this week, I didn't feel exhausted. I felt pretty good.

I had a dream in which my family had a reunion. My aunt Em tells us that a special guest arrived. The guest was my mom. In the dream, she gave me the best hug and whispered in my ear to "stay strong." I woke up feeling at peace. Sometimes we need a little reminder that things will be okay. Since my mom's death, I have dreamed about her twice. And it always happens when I am upset and feeling alone. It is nice to know that I have a guardian angel looking out for me.

Daily Dose
1. It is the return of sweater weather.

2. My son thinks he is a vampire.

3. The movie "Drive" is playing at the movie theater that only shows three movies. Tomorrow, I will spending hanging out with Ryan Gosling for few hours.

A tired creature of habit

2011-09-15T10:25:00.000-04:00

In the county I live in, I think the unemployment rate is more than 10 percent. I am grateful to have a job and a roof over my head. But last night I almost gave it all up. It was a hellish unending day with one co-worker out sick while the other was there but really didn't do anything. I reached my almost breaking point when I let loose with so many expletives that a sailor would have blushed. Writing two stories while exhausted is bad but it gets worst when you throw in writing a radio script and then recording it. I had to muster everything I had so I wouldn't seem like I was dog tired on the radio. I think it is time to start looking for another job.

I love routines. Every morning, I get dress to the local NBC news affiliate and the Today Show. No Today Show and I am a cranky person. At night, it has to be NBC nightly news. They are the book ends to my day. Most days, it is just the Today Show. This morning as I was curling my hear, I watched a preview of tomorrow's Charlie Sheen interview. My day seems to go smoother with it.

I love being a reporter. It is a part of my DNA. I love what I do. I feel like it is my calling in life. But I can't continue to be this angry and resentful. That poor radio microphone didn't deserve the abuse I heaped on it last night. I did apologize to it this morning.

I am not sure what I want to do but I have faith that either something will come my way or things will get better here. I like RR. It feels like home for me. I love my son but I can't fathom moving back there. So I will trust my faith.

In other news, walking three days a week and working out a few days a week is getting results. Things don't feel as snug. I am drinking more water and eating breakfast. And I have taken the covers off of the mirrors.

Daily Dose

1. Something for breakfast is better than nothing at all.

2. Not being so anxious about ED.

3. Starting on the Fall cleaning

Sadness and the anniversary of my mom's death

2011-09-07T10:07:00.000-04:00

Today is the anniversary of my mom's death.

I should have taken the day off from work like I had original planned. I thought I was handling things well. And for the most part, I am. But today, it is a bad day and any problems I am having are magnified 1,000 percent.

I miss her so much that it literally hurts. It is everything I can do to keep from leaving work, going home and going back to bed. I can only imagine how my brother is feeling today.

My son thinks I am the most awesome mommy ever. I would disagree because Josephine Lowery was the most awesome mommy.

Most of my life's lessons came from either her or my grandmother. She always told me to never let the fact that I was female or a minority from reaching my goals in life.
She was my hero. She dropped out of school in the 11th grade to have me. She didn't let this stop her. She read the newspaper every day and was very smart.

When I was in high school, she worked two jobs while going to community college in order to get a better paying job.

My mother built brakes for various cars, trucks, race cars and other vehicles. I was never ashamed of her. I thought she was amazing and so stylish in her steel toed boots.

Even though, I wasn't a girly girl who wore makeup, my sense of style comes from her. Even when she was undergoing chemo, she would always dress nice and wear makeup. Her thing was even if you are dying, you can look decent.

I can't believe it has been a year. I wish she could see her grandsons attending kindergarten and being the little independent guys they are.

I know she is in a better place and no longer in pain. The last few days of her life were awful for her. I am glad that she is at peace.

But I miss my mommy.

Happy for the return of my routine

2011-09-06T16:59:00.000-04:00

After being without power for 74 hours last week, I got it back. I actually did a happy dance of joy in the living room. If I could have hugged the lineman who made it happen, I would have.

Last week was a rough one full of lots of hurricane coverage and my weekend to work. By the time, I got home Saturday night, I was beyond exhausted.

So Sunday, D and I did something good. We went to see "Cowboys and Aliens". It was AWESOME! After a hard week, it was nice to escape to the 1800s with Daniel "You have the most beautiful eyes" Craig and Harrison Ford. For almost two hours, I escaped into the world of the cinema. It was the reason I showered, got dress and left the house. Afterwards, we went for blizzards at Dairy Queen. It was nice because I didn't think about the number of calories

My son and I have become pen pals. He needs to practice writing his letters and reading. I figured a weekly letter from Mommy and then him writing me one will be good for him. Everyone loves getting mail especially five year-olds.

Overall, I am doing okay. I have had some ED moments. I am having issues looking at myself in the mirror. And it didn't help this morning that I couldn't zip up my favorite dress. I had a good cry, dried my eyes and moved onto something else in the closet. I have a therapy session tomorrow. I was giving a guidelines to create a plan to be more healthy. My therapist was carefully not to say lose weight but to get healthier. I am putting the finishing touches on it. Components involved include what type of workouts I will be doing, how will i change my diet and no weighing myself. Once it is done and approved, I will share it.

I am happy things are finally getting back to normal. I will be so glad when hurricane season is over.

DAILY DOSE

1. When the power is out, beanie weanies are amazing.

2. Drinking up to 50 ounces a water a day.

3. Winning the battle of keeping my head above water.

Seven minutes of bliss

2011-08-30T09:39:00.000-04:00

Last night for seven minutes, I knew what pure bliss felt like. For seven minutes, I had power. This means I had air conditioning. It was nice and cool. It was nice to hear the hum of the refrigerator. As I reached for my remote, I heard a loud explosion. And my bliss ended.

Down the street, the transformer had blew. Bye bye air. It was nice while it lasted. I called the power company and learned I am one of 17,363 people without power. I feel I am in good company because most of those people are my friends, neigbhors and bosses. I am fortunate than most because there is power and internet at work so I am not completely cut off. I freeze five bottles of water each afternoon so I will have cold water to get me through the night.

Overall, things are starting to get back to normal.

Daily Dose

1. Enjoying the simple things in life.

2. Having a hot shower.

3. Internet access at work.

Roughing and other adventures from Hurricane Irene

2011-08-29T15:35:00.000-04:00

So far this year, RR has had a tornado, an earthquake and now a lovely little dame named Irene decided to visit us.
We are quite fortunate here with trees down, power out and no fatalities. I have been without power since Saturday at 4:30 p.m. It is not the lack of air or electricity that is getting to me but the unnatural quiet. And the sound of generators humming throughout neighborhood. I am glad JJ is not here to experience this. I have water so I am able to shower.

I worked yesterday so I saw how many trees were uprooted and on houses and power lines. It was so sad. We have been under a curfew each night. Each night, I have eaten beanie weenies in a can while reading by candlelight. I am not complaining because I have a roof over my head that isn't leaking or provides a clear view of the stars.

We were very blessed in the Roanoke Valley.

DAILY DOSE

1. Being able to use the newspaper's microwave for a hot meal.

2. Internet access from the newspaper.

3. Being blessed that things didn't get worst.

My baby starts the big K

2011-08-22T17:34:00.000-04:00

Letting me take a picture of him before school.

I took this one as he waits with the other students.

I love my son. I just came back to RR after spending a long weekend. My son started kindergarten on Thursday. He did great with no tears. But tears came from me. I remember all the firsts--first laugh, first word, first steps and others. My baby is in kindergarten. I took plenty of pictures to preserve this moment.

All in all, it was a great weekend. Full of visits to the park, playing doctor (I brought him a doctor kit) and riding his toy 4 wheeler.

And for the first time, JJ got to see E.T. He loved it. I miss having him with me but he knows I love him very much.

I have a really awesome kid. He's not perfect but he is a good kid. And it's nice to know there is someone in this world who loves me for me.

JJ playing on his toy four-wheeler.

Having some good quality time at the park.

Daily Dose

1. Getting to spend a few days with JJ.

2. Not stressing about being going up a size.

3. Finding the cutest Liz Claiborne purse at Goodwill for mega cheap.

Confessions of a boot camp dropout

2011-08-09T17:38:00.000-04:00

For the last few days, I have had a case of the blues that I just can’t shake. It started with a dream I had about my mom. In the dream, she recovered from her cancer and lived. It seemed so vivid and real. After waking up, I have just been kind of sad.

The one year anniversary of her death is coming up soon. It coupled with some other personal stuff makes me miss her so much. I can talk to my friends but there is nothing like advice from my mom.

Another thing contributing to feeling blue is wondering if all my hard work at my job is for nothing. We have no overtime. In addition to the newspaper, there are two magazines and tons of special sections to work on.

I have worked hard in the past year improve my writing skills and be a better reporter. And most importantly, worked hard to recover from ED. But for the past week, I have had to stop myself several times from sending a "I quit this job" text. I don't hate my job because I love writing and be able to tell people's stories. I do feel like I am viewed by higher ups as just a workhorse who churns out stories.

At times, it makes me wonder why am I doing all of this when I could just move home and be with my son. Several things keep me from quitting:

--I am not a quitter.

--I want to set a good example for JJ.

--There is a chance that I could win some press association awards in the fall.

--I don't have another job waiting in the wings.

I like being in RR and I love the security of the paycheck. I just hate the feeling of constant dread each morning during my six minute commute.

Another thing that has made me blue is the fact I have gain more weight. This has sent me into a semi-restricting tailspin. I have an emergency appointment tomorrow afternoon with the therapist. I was okay with being a size 8 but now that I am heading toward size 10, I am scared. I can deal with the single digits but not the double. I hate that my thighs rub together. My cute dresses don't fit. I feel like a fat, humgounus pig. There I said it all and got it out of my head.

I am not cool with being a size 10. I am not. This is the reason for the emergency visit because I have figured out how to override the meds. This is not good. I had to drop out of the boot camp because of work. I work so much that I leave at 7:30 a.m., work all day, come home at 8 p.m., eat over the kitchen sink and head to bed.

I am trying but most days I just want to scream. I am grateful to have a job. Things will get better soon. I just gotten have faith.

Daily Dose

1. My son starts kindergarten next Thursday.

2. Elias Chicken salad makes my tummy happy.

3. Realizing I need help before its too late.

It is sooooo hot!

2011-08-01T17:11:00.000-04:00

I am not a summer person. And while I love wearing cute dresses with cute heels or wedges, I do not dig the heat. I am a spring and fall gal who loves temperatures in the late 70s and mid-80s. I don't like breaking into a sweat at 7:45 a.m. when I am leaving for work.

Summer means working in the meat locker at work. On a typically day, I dress for the outside temps of hot and the inside temperature of bitter cold. Who knew 73 degrees inside could be so cold.

But summer is a part of life. As a reporter, it is hard taking pictures and doing interviews in 95 plus heat. Kids love it but adults hate. Thank goodness, JJ knows that hot temperatures mean hot playground equipment. His motto is "if you have to put on pants to go to the playground, then what is the point." I agree and we head to the air conditioned splendor of the McDonald's Playland.

I have been crazy busy of late. Yesterday, all I did was sleep. I did venture out briefly for the Sunday newspaper at noon. Then I went back to sleep on the couch. Sad but true. I read the newspaper at 7:30 p.m. Hot weather just zaps all of the energy out of you. Well, I am going to find me some nice cool ice pops.

Daily Dose

1. A cute dress makes the day so much better.

2. Air conditioning rocks!

3. Ice cream

Scary reality of today's world

2011-07-19T20:43:00.000-04:00

To see JJ, I spend up to five hours traveling to see him. And sometimes, it is after working all day. When you are traveling the interstate, the monotony sometimes makes me sleepy. I will admit that I pull off the interstate and take a nap in the parking lot of Target or Barnes and Noble. It is not the safest thing to do but the quick nap keeps me going.

While proofing the newspaper this morning, I read something that chilled me to the core. A woman was traveling on I-95 and stopped in RR because she was tired. She decided to take a nap in the parking lot of the local hospital. A habitual offender, who wasn't suppose to be released from jail, found her there and brutally raped her and then drove out near the interstate and left her. Then the rapist went on a burglary spree. The rape victim found her rapist on our website being charged with another crime.

This has definitely made me want to be more careful. No more sleeping in the car and being extra vigilant with my surroundings. My heart and prayers go out to this brave woman. The rapist has been to jail more than 40 times for a variety of charges.

For a small city, we have had a lot of crime lately ranging from burglary to sex crimes. What is the world coming to?

DAILY DOSE

1. I have managed to stay cool despite the heat!

2. Figuring out a way to do an impossible assignment!

3. Snapple fruit pops

Hodge podge of thoughts and experiences

2011-07-17T21:17:00.001-04:00

Instead of spending the day on the couch watching movies, I went to this farm, Wildwood Learning Farm near Hollister, NC, to take some pictures. It was hot but I had a great time with the animals. When JJ comes back for a visit, I plan to take him there. He loves animals. And he will have a good time.

Emma the pig saying hi!

With the past few weeks being kind of rocky, I woke with a new attitude this morning. I am interested in doing some freelancing to earn some extra money and experience. I just want to expand my horizons and options for the future.

A few posts ago, I put a photo of myself on this blog. In the past, I have not been kind to myself. I don't have many photos of myself or myself with my son. The main reason is because photos documented my struggles with ED. And I couldn't deal with this. But now, I am becoming more comfortable with myself. My friend N took this picture of me taking a picture of her.

Recently, I discovered the digital music for Charter. Some days I rock out and on days like to day I listen to party favorites channel. I like this channel because a mix of party movies from the 50s and up. Currently, Straight Up by Paula Abdul before she became so loopy. I am actually looking forward to going to work tomorrow.

DAILY DOSE

1. Finding the digital music

2. Hearing my JJ's voice

3. Meeting these three guys

It looks like they are smiling at me!

Starting the week tiredI

2011-07-15T20:25:00.000-04:00

It has been a looong week. JJ is doing great and the situation has been handled. Since it was not a vacation, I didn't returned well-rested. Between talking and making sure JJ is okay, I am exhausted.

It is suppose to be a beautiful weekend but I will probably spend it sleeping. Sad but true.

A phone call no parent wants

2011-07-07T09:42:00.000-04:00

My mom once told me that when you become a parent, you take this unspoken vow to do whatever it takes to protect your child or children from harm. This week, I got very unsettling phone call from my husband. During the past weekend, while JJ was at an older cousin's home, some inappropriate touching took place. To say I am shocked is an understatement. JJ is doing fine. Long story short, my husband has a 13-year-old niece who has some issues. Her half sister saw her touch JJ in a place she shouldn't have and told an adult. After talking with JJ, I have found this was the only time.

JJ knows about stranger danger and other key things a child should know. He said he is okay but is very worried that everyone will be mad at him for what happened. Both his dad and I have reassured him that is not the case. We are taking JJ to see someone about this. And we are suppose to meet with my brother-in-law tomorrow to discuss the situation.

I will keep you posted. I just needed to wrap my brain around this.

Countdown to fitness boot camp

2011-07-04T10:43:00.000-04:00

Happy Fourth of July! It has been a pretty decent weekend. The fitness boot camp starts Thursday at 5:30 p.m. To prepare, I have been working out each day along with following a special meal plan. The meal plan has been the hardest. I can only eat chicken, fish or whey. Plus, I can only eat certain fruits and veggies. It has been a complete lifestyle change that left me in tears at one point. The high points are drinking more water and less sodas, eating healthy and exercising regularly. The low points were no junk food, no pasta and no orange soda.

I found out the formally name for the camp is a "Bikini boot camp" and a lot of those signed up are pros at this. Technically, my food plan is a diet. And for a few days last week, I was always hungry and was scared that if I ignored the hunger, it might lead to restricting. After a chat with my boss, I felt a little better. I know it has been a week but I have noticed my pants fitting a little better.

I got a phone call from my husband that scared me Sunday. JJ came to him and said he had been playing around on the bed and fell off of it. One er visit, a x-ray and some stickers, my little one was diagnosed with a bruised arm and no broken bones. And JJ, who is quite the trouper, said it was no big deal. It is moments like that when I miss him so much more.

Since I worked on Saturday, I will not get the three-day weekend that the rest of world got. But I have made significant progress with my room. I have managed to successfully put all my clothes in their proper place. For the past month, they have been piled on my bed with me going through the pile trying to find something to wear. The living room looks great and the kitchen is more organized.

So far, it has been a good summer.

DAILY DOSE

1. JJ's arm is not broken!

2. On the road to being fit.

3. Being able to sleep in my bed.

It has taken years but I no longer blame myself for my daughter's death

2011-06-30T21:52:00.000-04:00

Before JJ was born, there was Lillian Bess. It was 2003 and I became pregnant with her almost a year before my husband and I were married. It was happy but stressful time. I was battling my ED strongly while dealing with the changes in my body.

At six months pregnant, I was nervous about being a mother and constantly worried. I remember the day clearly because it was a Sunday morning. I could feel her kicking and knew in my heart that everything was going to be okay. By 11 that night, I knew something was wrong. It was like someone turned off a switch. I knew Lillian was dead.

An ultrasound at the hospital confirmed the news. In that moment, I felt like I had let James down and Lillian. I blamed myself for her death. Since our obstetrician was in a neighboring county, I would have to wait until the following morning to see him and get checked into the hospital where his privileges were. It was the worst and longest night of my life. Both James and I cried for the loss of our baby. The next morning I was prep for delivery. It was the hard giving birth to a child whose life was gone before she had a chance. The doctors believe it was heart defect but I believe it was because of the way ED had ravaged my body.

At Lillian's grave, I made her a promise that if I ever had another child that not only would he or she know about her but I would do everything in my power not to hurt or damage them. JJ is my miracle, my motivation and my salvation. As a kid, I always thought babies were kept in heaven until their parents were ready for them. I would like to think Lillian met JJ and told him all about his parents to be. I believe this because whenever he visits her grave, he talks with her like he already knows her.

I am sharing this because I had to write a story for the newspaper on a rememberance photography program at the hospital. It is where a local photographer donates his or her time and talent to take pictures for families who have experienced the loss of a pregnancy or a newborn. It was hard story to write because it brought back a lot of memories. Memories I don't talk about to anyone including my husband.

The decision to have JJ wasn't easy. After Lillian's death, to say I relapse was an understatement. At first, my husband and I decided we would wait to try again. And then it turned to if we could have kids. And finally, if I should have kids. James wanted kids but was scared of what it would do to me.

I found out I was pregnant while dealing with a kidney stone. I had to have kidney x-ray and they wanted to be certain I wasn't pregnant. I was. This time, I was terrified. I was quickly deemed a high risk pregnancy. For nine months, I drove a hour and half each way to see a specialist in Raleigh. JJ was a kicker while he was inside me and had a strong hard beat. I was determined to do right by him so I made myself eat.

When he was born, I knew everything was going to be okay when he looked at me. Writing the story brought all those memories that have stayed at the back of my mind. When the photographer showed me those touching photos, I know the story behind them. I know the unrelenting pain of leaving the hospital empty handed. The pain of packing the clothes up and having to quietly tell family and friends that your baby is gone. I have no photos of Lillian. I think James has some but I have never wanted to see them. Instead I have a box with her little pink dress and booties along with her death certificate and ultrasound picture. It is all I need to remember my daughter.

Fitness boot camp--weigh in

2011-06-23T22:40:00.000-04:00

Monday will be the beginning of my participation in a intense fitness boot camp. I will be working out for 1 hour five days a week. This is in addition to intense days every Thursday along with a food plan. It was a lot to absorb. I wasn't worried about seeing my weight or BMI. With exception of the stomach, I am pleased with my weight of 147.5 pounds. When the instructor told me, I didn't blink an eye. But it was all the veggies and other stuff with the food plan that made me take a step back. I have to eat six meals a day with balanced amounts of carbs and proteins. I am going to take this serious because I am being given an opportunity for me. For five weeks, I will be able to workout in high class facility for FREE!!! And with the blessing of my therapist, I am ready for the challenge.

I am doing the boot camp for my newspaper's magazine. It is participation journalism that will result in me having healthy body, losing a few pounds and being able to run a three run. All of this in five weeks. I can honestly say right now writing this from my couch that I am excited. But ask me in a week how I feel. Measurements were taken of my waist, hips and other places but I didn't pay attention. Too many numbers makes Silly Girl antsy. Right now, I am feeling pretty zen and content with my body. The weekend is coming and I have plans so I am zen.

So this weekend I am going to enjoy myself by eating all of the things not on the list. This is includes my favorite chicken salad, mini cupcakes, carbonated fruit punch and festival food. On Monday, I will start. I will keep posted on my progress.

DAILY DOSE

1. Perdue makes the best chicken tenders.

2. Just feeling so alive and well!

3. Finding a drawing from JJ.

2011-06-20T15:59:00.000-04:00

It was weird waking up to silence. My husband and JJ left on Saturday. Both of them snore and the tv was on all of the time so silence was weird. It was great having them here. I got some quality time with JJ and his dad. The question on everyone's mind is what is the deal between the two of us. And the answer is I don't know. We talked and we are going to take things slow and just see. Both of us have seen what life is together and separately. But two things we agreed on is our love of JJ and our friendship. So we'll see.

The last three weeks were the longest my husband and I had been under the same roof in the past three years. It was first visit for the two of them. And JJ loved it. His recap of the vacation to my sister-in-law was priceless.

N--How was your trip, JJ??
JJ--It was AWESOME, Aunt N.
(JJ then turns to me and said, Mommy, you are always Awesome so I am not including you in my list.)
JJ--My top three was the visit, Mommy's apartment and Mommy's job.

I am so glad they came here to visit. RR doesn't have a lot of the things that they are accustomed to such as Target, a big movie theater and lots to do but it is a good place. A place that is my home. A place I am very protective of because it is my oasis. My husband is dealing with his mom's death and the drama from his dad. He enjoyed just being here with JJ and I. He said it was like being in a protective bubble.

The intern took a photo of me interviewing James Wesley, left.

Rapids Jam was fun. I got to interview a country artist James Wesley. I caught his performance and he was quite good.

My weigh in for the boot camp is Thursday. I am actually looking forward to it. I am walking a few days a week, drinking more water and eating more healthy. Instead of my usually barbecue chips, I brought some veggie chips.

Overall, Silly Girl is doing pretty good and just enjoying life.

DAILY DOSE

1. Being able to spend time with JJ.

2. Snapple sorbet pops--I found them in the $1 store and they are amazing and healthy.

3. Eating a turkey leg at Rapids Jam

Introducing Super JJ and Bubble Girl

2011-06-12T23:57:00.000-04:00

Super JJ

It has been so great having JJ here. It is budget time so I have to cover meetings about budgets complete with late hours. After a long day, it is nice to come home to the two Js. Some nights, there is a meal waiting for me. Today, JJ was my assistant in helping with the housework. He told he learned how to pretend vacuum during pre-K. He demonstrated his skills by using my real vacuum cleaner.

JJ taking on Bubble Girl

My favorite thing was when we did laundry. While waiting for the clothes to wash, we blew bubbles in the parking lot. I was evil Bubble Girl and he was Super JJ. It was nice to just to spend time with him. We tried to make a movie but it is hard to be evil and shoot it. It has been years since I have blew bubbles. It was AWESOME!!

Today starts their last week here in RR. I have done more cooking in the last few days than I have since I moved here. Tonight, we had chicken fajitas a long with homemade french fries. I think I know more about Nickloden, Disney and Cartoon Network than I was meant to know.

JJ with a classmate during his graduation

I look at him and can't believe how much he has grown. I remember the little boy learning to walk. And now, he's wearing flip, a pre-k graduate and helping me to cook. We baked a cake for my friend D's birthday. In other news, I will be participating in a fitness boot camp for my newspaper's magazine. I will be writing a first person account. I am really looking forward to this so I will keep you updated. Rapids Jam featuring a ton of country music artists is this week. It will be an interesting week.

DAILY DOSE

1. Making memories with JJ.

2. Cooking

3. My son's imagination

Fun times at the park!

Good times, good times

2011-06-09T13:04:00.000-04:00

JJ and I had a great time during my vacation. We roamed around and met people. My husband has had a chance to grieve and get away from the drama of his family.

One of my favorite things was taking him to the newspaper to meet my friends and to see what I do for a living.

In the last few days, I have watched a lot of kid friendly movies.

When my son sees a photo of himself as a baby, he goes “those were good times, good times.” Well, my vacation was made up of good times. I had a great time. It was the first real vacation I had taken in years. And all I did was hang with JJ.

But all things good things must come to an end. So I am back at work. And JJ is with his dad at my apartment watching cartoons. They will be here with me until June 19. I will not lie and say it has not been an adjustment. The toilet seat was the first. But I have enjoyed them. Plus, I have had a chance to cook and bake.

I don’t know if JJ is moving here or if my husband and I will be together. I am taking things one day at a time and enjoying every moment of it.

Today, I working on a healthier lifestyle. I am drinking more water and did some exercises this morning. It feels good to feel good.

Daily Dose

1. Waking up and seeing my son in the next room.

2. Making memories

3. Snapple sorbet pops--They are AWESOME!!!!

Cooking with Silly Girl

2011-06-02T00:20:00.000-04:00

JJ's pre-k graduation

As my son would say, the last few days have been AWESOME! JJ is here in Roanoke Rapids and I am on vacation. His graduation ceremony was so cute. Afterwards, there were plenty of pictures.

Posing with the new graduate who's a bit grumpy.

And, I have been cooking up a storm.When I was younger, I loved to cook. With ten family members in my grandmother's house, being able to cook was a necessity. Since my battle with ED, my love for cooking had dwindled down to nothing. In the past, making a peanut butter sandwich with marshmallow fluff was gourmet cooking. But in the last few months, I have rediscovered cooking.

When I went to SC to pick up JJ and my husband on Sunday, I cooked breakfast and cube steak with rice and gravy. People were stunned and amazed. Even more when I sat down and ate my own cooking. Today, I made gumbo with chicken in it. For the past few weeks, I have stressed about my weigh and other issues. Today, I felt like I was Rachael Ray and Paula Deen all rolled into one Silly Girl.

Another graduation photo!

The awesome sun dress I wore. It only cost $6 at Maxway!

DAILY DOSE

1. My baby graduated from pre-K.

2. Rediscovering my love of cooking.

3. Spending time with JJ.

One more day until JJ

2011-05-28T21:40:00.000-04:00

I have worked like crazy this week. And it has been worth it because I am on vacation for the next seven glorious days with JJ. And here's something interesting--my husband is coming with him.

And is thinking about staying longer. When he told me, I almost choked on the Pop-Tart I was eating. My mom was right. If you are patient, things may eventually go your way.

Daily Dose

1. It is vacation time!

2. Spending time with JJ.

3. Having a clean apartment!

The countdown to JJ has begun

2011-05-25T20:57:00.000-04:00

Only two more days before I go on vacation!!!!! I have never in my life wanted some time off so bad. The last few weeks have been crazy and hectic. But today, I made a new friend. Her name is Betty. Betty liked me for me and was content to allow me to pat her.

I spend some time at a learning farm where I met all kinds of animals from Llamas and peacocks to miniatures horses and sheep. It was hot as hell but I had a great time. I think I will take JJ there next week.

This is Betty. She is so friendly and a camera hog.

We are greeting each other.

So far, everything is set for him to come up with me for a visit. I am trying not to get my hopes up to much because something always prevents him coming to RR. So keep your fingers cross for me. I can't help it but I am so excited. This week has been much better than last week.

Last week, for every three people I encountered, two would ask me if I was pregnant. It was a lot for one person to take. It resulted in me being grumpy with the world and crying a lot. My boss realized what was happening and we had a chat. He suggested walking three days a week at 45 minutes each time. I feel much better. The walking is good because it helps me to clear my head. I have started getting up early because it is more cooler in the am than the pm. My med dose has been increased and I am taking vitamins. I feel much healthier and not as self conscious. So far this week, only two people have asked me. I try to have a sense of humor about it.


Even though, I have a weird expression on my face. I feel good. Plus, I like how healthy I look in this photo.

DAILY DOSE

1. Spending an afternoon at a farm. And I got paid to do it.

2. In a few days, I will be with JJ.

3. For the first time in weeks, I felt good about myself.

My baby is graduating!!!!

2011-05-18T00:02:00.000-04:00

JJ will walk across the stage on May 31. He will graduate from Pre-Kindergarten. He is so excited. And I am so excited for him. It seems like yesterday he was so tiny and helpless. And now he wants a skateboard so he can do stunts and wonders when he can cross the street alone.

My baby is growing up. My life would be so bleak and sad without him and his love. Whenever we talk, he tell me how much he loves me.
JJ--I love you more than ice cream. And I loooove ice cream Mommy.
Me--I love you more than a ton of magazines and pens.
JJ--Wow, I know how much you enjoy magazines.

This game continues for awhile. It is nice to know there is someone in this world who loves me for me. Not because I can write or take pictures. But because I can blow huge bubbles, climb the monkey bars and give up my Happy Meal toy for the greater good. And I love him because he is a wonderful child who has had to endure a lot in the past year--separation of his parents and the death of two grandmothers. He is quite a trouper.

Whenever I am feeling down, I pull out photo album I carry in my purse or check my phone for photos of him. He gives me hope when I feel like restricting or giving up. So when he walks across that stage, I will be cheering him. This is only the beginning. There is lots more to come and thanks to recovery, I will be around to enjoy it. I made a promise to myself when I moved to RR that I would find a way to silence ED so JJ could have a mommy and not a shell of one. He deserves that and so much more.

Daily Dose

1. My incredible awesome son

2. Meeting my goal of drinking more water

3. Being able to watch my son grow up

Friday the 13th--not unlucky just weird

2011-05-13T22:01:00.001-04:00

My dosage has been increased for my medication. Lately, my get and go is content to lay on the couch and watch Criminal Minds. All week I have looked forward to having the weekend off. My plan is to get my apartment in order. My bed or Mt. St. Clothes has all of my clothes on it. On Tuesday, I was getting ready for work and realized nothing fit. Before I knew it, everything was out of the drawers and the closet and I was in tears. In the eight months since my mother's death, I have went from a size 0 to a size eight. I made peace with it on Wednesday night when I finished boxing some clothes for charity.

It is not what I see in the mirror that upsets me. It is people's reaction to the fact that I am no longer scary thin. Today wasn't a bad luck day. It was just plain weird. I had three people ask me if I am pregnant. I have been trying to work out and watch what I eat. So I am a mixture of emotions but I am okay. In all of the madness, I never once thought about restricting. My thoughts were healthy. When I was tempted to call myself a "fat ass," I stopped and said something positive.

It has been three weeks since the death of my mother-in-law. Things are chaotic for my husband. His mom died. His dad started dating someone while she was dying. And now he wants to bring the new person around. I am trying my best to good friend and sounding board. I can advise him on grief but not on the actions of father, which have divided the family. Why does death bring out the ugly in people? JJ is taking it okay but I worry. I have been looking into summer programs here so maybe he can spend sometime here once school is out.

My sweet little guy sleeping!

As I write this, I am sitting in my clean living room. I have lit some vanilla cream candles and the smell is awesome. For the first time in weeks, I feel at peace. It is a good feeling that I fight tooth and nail to keep. Tomorrow, it is the Festival of the Roanoke. I am going to go as a regular person not as reporter girl.

I wish all a good weekend full of fun and happy thoughts!

Daily Dose

1. I interviewed Darius Rucker on Thursday. He was so nice.

2. Took photos for a co-worker, who's daughter graduated last night. They turned out well and I got paid.

3. Realizing I shouldn't be so hard on myself.

Missing loved ones

2011-05-06T16:40:00.000-04:00

I slowly getting back into the groove of things. It has been hard to motivate myself to do anything. The only reason that I go to work is because I don't want to get fired. Last weekend was Relay for Life and I was on duty to be the reporter. It was the absolute last place I wanted to be. I am very happy for those who are survivors but I am still sad and angry. I miss my mother and my mother-in-law. I wish there was a way for them to have beaten the big "C". I was fine until I saw the luminary bag I had purchased in my mother's memory. To me, cancer is like a tornado. It can hit some people and leave them standing while it decimates others.

Sunday is Mother's Day. It will be the first one without her and I dread it. I should go home and put flowers on her grave but honestly, I just want to spend the day in bed. I am torn over what to do because I am a mother also. I guess I need to find out what JJ has planned for me. He's five so his plans are also his father's plans. I just don't think I can handle it.

Another thing that has me bummed is a longtime newsroom employee had her hours cut from 40 to 20. It scares me about the unstability of the newspaper industry. I love writing but I think I need to start looking at a plan B.

I just need to get my head back into the game. My apartment looks like a deranged hoarder lives there. Every morning I get up, I look forward to going back to bed. I am glad my job keeps me busy. Thank God, today is Friday. I plan to hide from the world and watch tv on dvd. I think it is time to ask my therapist to up my med dosage and maybe give me a script for anxiety.

Daily Dose

1. Starting walking more since the weather is pretty.

2. Rediscovering my love of cooking

3. Facebook is not a bad thing.

Whatever happen to good manners and being nice

2011-04-27T17:18:00.000-04:00

It has been awhile but a lot has happened. JJ didn't come for spring break. My mother-in-law took a turn for the worst and died a few hours after I arrived last Thursday. I am exhausted. The last few days have been a whirlwind of funeral preparations and other stuff. While it was bittersweet, I did get to spend a ton of time with JJ. He is an awesome kid. I can't imagine losing two grandmothers I love months apart. He is quite a trouper. The boy is a bundle of energy and questions.

He no longer wants to be an evil scientist. He wants be a skateboarding ninja. I am glad that I have the energy to run around with him. Someday, he will come to RR but I am not going to stress about it. After what I have seen in the past few days, I am happy to be able to spend some time with him.

When my mother died in September, I was painfully thin. I weigh about 95 pounds. I now weigh 145 pounds. It is a noticeable difference because I went from a size 0 to a size 6. A lot of people including my brother haven't seen me since Christmas. I look healthy and because a lot of the weight went to my stomach, I look about two months pregnant. I am exercising to tone up but for the most part was comfortable with everything. Then I went home.

I can't tell you how many times I was asked if I was pregnant or when was the baby due. And my brother informed me that I had let myself go. Whatever happen to manners. Those comments were hurtful. And I let these people know that you don't say those things to anyone especially someone recovering from an eating disorder. I will admit to skipping a meal here and there because I didn't feel like being watched. In my mind, I feel like I am ginormous. In reality, I know I am not and still have a ways to go in my recovery. This is why I don't like to leave RR. I like my world here where people are little more respectful.

So between the death of a really cool lady, missing my son and being called fat (Yes, someone said I had gotten fat in RR) and jumping back into work head first, I am a little frazzled. I just needed to vent. It is moments like this that I really miss my mother. She would know what to say. Plus, she would smack my brother into next week.

Daily Dose

1. Orange soda soothes the frazzled silly girl!

2. Finding some kick ass boots on my desk from a co-worker.

3. Spending tons of time with JJ.

Odds and ends from being busy

2011-04-14T21:23:00.000-04:00

The last few days have been exhausting. On Saturday, I covered a triathlon. I am not a sportswriter but managed to fake it very well. The only downside, it was cold and windy. I admire people who have a passion for something. Even if that something is a swimming 300 yards, biking 14.8 miles and running 3 miles. Despite the cold, I got a good story and some really great photos.

I found this door in my roamings. Ms. Reid would approve.

Thanks to my job, I have been able to experience and meet so many different people. On Sunday, I got to meet and interview Aunt Viv of the Fresh Prince of Bel Air. She not only lives near here but is a photographer. Her Doors collection featured doors from Africa, Spain and Italy. They were so beautiful. And she was amazing and so down-to-earth. We had a 15-minute interview.

I am not a plant person but I had a chance to go to this organic nursery and learn some new things. Also I got take some cool pictures of the things I learned about.

I am not sure what kind of flower this is but I love it.

They look like candy corns. I love candy corn.

These look like little fuzzy caterpillars.

As much as I enjoyed the event, it meant that I wasn't able to go home and see JJ. For the next few days, when I am not working, I will be working on the apartment. I can't wait until he arrives.

This is so true!

Last night, I gave the bathroom a real good cleaning. I realize something. I shed hair like a dog. If I ever decided to kill someone, which I wouldn't, but if I did, I would be caught. The bathroom is pristine. I vacuumed the living room and straightened up in there. It looks like something out of a magazine. I have washed and put away all of the dishes. Next up is my bedroom and the mountain of laundry that needs to be put away. The spare room is a work in progress and will not be done. So my son will not be going in there. We will be camping out in the living room. He is a camping phase.

Daily Dose

1. Having a day off and doing something instead of sleeping all day

2. Only 6 more days until JJ arrives!!!!

3. Meeting Daphne Maxwell Reid

Shake it off and keep going

2011-04-09T13:56:00.000-04:00

In life, you have to have perspective on things. If you don't, it will drive you mad. For the first time in my life, I will not get a tax refund check. Instead, I owe the government almost $1,500. I don't feel too bad, my mother owes the government $400. (And yes, my brother and I had to pay it.) I am in a pretty good place right now physically and mentally. I will set up a payment plan with the IRS and go on with my life. There is no point in dwelling on it or wallowing. Plus, the last folks I want bothering me is the IRS.

It is that time of year again--Spring Cleaning. For me, it is even more special! My son will be coming to visit April 20-24. Hopefully, if all goes well. I am so excited but slightly stressed. I haven't unpacked or cleaned like I should have because I have either been tired, sick or working. I work too much. I need to get a life.

The living room looks presentable and has been dusted. The kitchen is very clean also. Next is my bedroom and the spare room with all the boxes.

But JJ is coming and I can't wait for him to see RR. I plan to take him to this cool bird place with tons of birds, visit the parks, meet my friends and just hang with him. I am so excited I could pop. All of this is tentative because my mother-in-law is still dying. And I am cool with this. But it took a two hour conversation with his dad to get a date. I am trying to be the understanding one. I know what it is like when your mother is in the final stages of life and you feel so helpless.

Eventually, I would like for JJ to live with me. I know with my ED, work schedule and other issues that his dad would not want this. But his dad was close with his grandmother and never got over her death. I don't think he is going to be okay when his mother dies. This is going to devasated him and his brothers and sisters. I know because some days I am barely hanging on by my fingertips.

Currently, I am a good place. I am facing my ED issues head on. Last night, I went to Olive Garden with some friends instead of crashing on the couch and watching Criminal Minds. I had a good time. Even though, this is not my usual group of friends. I handled eating very well along with the whole socializing thing. I had the Chicken Herb Cheese Soffatelli . It was awesome. Then we went to Target--the best place on earth. We don't have one in RR so it is a treat to go one. Overall, I am doing okay and feel okay. And you know, it's okay.

Daily Dose

1. Chicken Herb Cheese Soffatelli from Olive Garden

2. My son is coming to visit me soon!

3. Target is AWESOME!!!!

End of March brings food poisoning, sinus issues and weight obession

2011-03-31T10:04:00.000-04:00

It has been forever since I updated. I have had a bout of food poisoning and now dealing with a nasty sinus thing. In addition, I am having some ED issues. This is not a happy time for me. Plus thing are insane at work and in my personal life. It makes one want to retreat the comfy bed and hide under the covers.

The food poisoning was scary because I was sick. I am just now getting comfortable with eating again.
With my crazy schedule, I thought I was getting tired but no sick. There is no time to be sick because we only have three reporters and one is covering a court case. So the remaining reporter and I are struggling to do our jobs and keep from ending up in the hospital.

All of the meds I am taking to get well are wrecking havoc on me taking my meds. I learned that my remeron and dayquil together makes me jumpy and little paranoid. And never watch horror movies while taking nightquil especially zombie ones. Let’s just say things got interesting in the middle of the night.

EDwise, I saw my therapist. I have become obsessed with numbers. How much I weigh, how much I eat and stuff like that. During my appointment, I asked him if I could weigh myself.
Dr. M--I don’t think that would be wise. You are a little to focused on your weight.
Me--I think I am doing fine. I just wanted to know.
Dr. M--What happens when you find out. If the number isn’t what you want to hear, are you going to restrict? I know you don’t have access to a scale so I think it is best that you stay off the scale.
I thanked him and walked out of the session. As I drove back to work, I realized what I did was not cool. So I called back and apologized.

I know obsessing is not healthy. So I am trying to focus on other things and not my weight. I could go and buy my own scale. But that would lead me down a road that I don’t want to travel on.
Thanks to being sick and working, I haven’t had time to worry about my weight. I just worry about if I will ever feel like myself again.

Daily Dose
1. Orange soda makes me feel better.
2. I don’t have to work this weekend.
3. Warm weather is returning.

Reality Check

2011-03-23T10:24:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, I had a reality check. I have been stressing and moping about various things in my life. In the past few weeks, there have been plenty of woe is me moments. I had a chance to meet and interview a group of wounded warriors yesterday for the newspaper. A lot of them had been wounded in the war in Iraqi. Having a chance to meet with them made me realize just how fortunate I am. I admire anyone who is willing to put their life on the line to protect their country and freedom. It sadden me that several of them were so young. When I was 22, I wasn’t dodging IEDs or dismantling a weapon. Sometimes, we need a reality check to show us what is important in life.

Last night, I had a discussion with my husband about JJ’s upcoming spring break. There are a lot of factors involved such as his mother dying of lung cancer and him not wanting JJ so far away. He felt like I was doing well with meds but was concerned about sending JJ up here. I told him that I am doing fine and he is welcome to come. But I would like to spend time with JJ in my neck of the woods and let him meet my friends. So we will see. Personally, I would like him here because I venture out of my comfort zone every time I got visit my son. I am trying to be patient and nice because I know what my husband is going through with his mother. I am doing the best I can with the high cost of gas. I am sending money to support jj plus other things.

So I am trying to not to stress about it. Hopefully, my son will get a chance to RR with me.

Daily Dose

1. The weather is awesome!

2. Meeting a group of true heroes.

3. Getting kudos on taking some really great pictures at an Elvis impersonator concert.

Today was a good day!

2011-03-16T18:44:00.000-04:00

For the first time in a longtime, I felt like me. Today was a very good day. I was allowed to cover a women's conference for the newspaper and magazine. It was a very empowering experience. While at the event, I didn't realize just how many people I have come in contact with while living in RR. It was just fun. And I need fun and uplifting in my life.

I had to do my Sunday profile and ended up meeting someone who I think I will become friends with. I interviewed her over lunch and came away speechless. An outstanding woman who doesn't understand just how valuable she is to the community. Like I said, today was a great day.

I had a chance to interview renowned poet Nikki Giovanni. I have read her work and seen her on tv but in person, the lady is awesome. I had a chance to not only be a professional journalist but a fan as well. Someone was nice enough to snap a picture of me with her. Today was good day.

The photographer has her picture taken!

And for the first time in weeks, it was an ED free day. And even got a compliment from a guy. He said "you have gained some weight. It looks great on you but I bet you get that a lot." I think I actually blushed.

Once I am done here, I am going home to chill because I don't want to ruin this day.

Daily Dose

1. Finally feeling better after a bout of food poisoning.

2. Had a great hair day!

3. Realizing I have an awesome job that allows me to have amazing experiences!

Happy Birthday!!

2011-03-09T08:59:00.000-05:00

Today, my mother would have been 54 years old.

I had to request the urge to call her cell and wish her a happy birthday. I still can’t believe she is gone. Last year, we celebrated her birthday and thought there would be a few more.

The best way to honor my mother is to be the best person she raised. She instilled in me a pretty good work ethic and a love for clothes. And to help those who are in need.

Even though, my husband and I are still existing. I am trying to be there for him because his mother is in her final days of lung cancer. I know that he and his four siblings will be devastated. They are a closer knit family than mine. And we all grief differently. So when the time comes, I will be there for him and JJ. I will grief some too. She is an awesome lady just like mom was.

Yesterday, I went to one of my mom’s favorite stores and found some serious deals. I brought this $40 purple and black sweater dress for $2.97. I also got two cool sweaters. The total was $15. The receipt said I saved more than $120. My mother would be very proud because not only am I wearing a dress but I even curled my hair.

Instead of moping and complaining about my body issues, I am doing something about it. The city of RR is opening its own fitness center. Cost is $20 a year for residents. I have enrolled and have created several playlists for my mp3. I have also started to drink more water and not go home and just veg on the couch.

The reason I feel like a sloth is because I am acting like one. One thing that I have learned from watching my mother and my mother-in-law battle cancer—there is not time for pity parties. So I am done crying and moping. Today, Silly Girl is on the mend.

One of the last things that my mom told me was that she just wanted me to be healthy and happy. I am glad that she saw me on the road to recovery. The last few weeks have been rough but I was raised to be tough and not take any crap.

Daily Dose

1. Finding great bargains at Belk’s for last than $20.

2. Getting ready for my weekend with JJ.

3. Not passing out over the price of gas-$3.58 a gallon.

Struggling

2011-03-06T20:53:00.000-05:00

One of my favorite school events to cover is Read Across America. It is the celebration of Dr. Seuss' birthday. After the last few weeks, I was looking forward to wearing a giant red and white hat. The day started out pretty cool. I was finally starting to feel comfortable in my body. And then a teacher walked up to me and patted me on the stomach and said my son must be so happy that he is getting a brother or sister. I didn't cry or get angry. I just quietly told her that I wasn't pregnant. She started apologizing.

I wish I could say it didn't get to me but it did. Between the woman at work, not being able to fit my clothes and not being able to look at myself in the mirror, this was the final straw. I have been restricting some. For the last few months, I had started to enjoy food. I know this is part of recovery. When I looked in the mirror this morning, I saw a fat slob. Everything I tried on showed how big my stomach has gotten.

I have all of these emotions. My mother-in-law will probably be dead by the end of this week. Work has become insane. I feel like everything is spiraling out of control. I am suppose to meet with Dr. M on Tuesday. He wants to up my meds. I don't because it will increase my appetite. He is trying to find a dietitian for me to talk with. I am trying to be proactive but I am scared that I will slip.

Daily Dose

1. Texting with my son!
2. Working out safely
3. Watching a Criminal Minds marathon!

Trying to get back to my happy place

2011-02-27T19:57:00.000-05:00

This has been a difficult week but thank God for supportive friends. A big thank you to everyone who left words of encouragement. I wish I could say that I let all of this roll off of my back. It didn't but I am still standing.

In the past, I worried about telling others about my ED and recovery. I am so glad that I confided to my friends at work because it made things a little more bearable. Her comments made me realize that I still have some body issues that need to address. But I have come a long way in the past few months. If this had happen a year ago, I would have been devastated and probably restricted like crazy. I work hard to keep ED's thoughts muted. This week, they came in loud.

All of this wouldn't have been so bad. But she decided to elect herself as my own personal food police. If I was at the snack machine, she watched and shook her head. It was little things like this that started to get to me.The breaking point came Thursday at lunch. I was in the break room with my lunch bunch eating some KFC. She came in to get some water. I ignored her but my friends noticed that she stood behind me looking at what I was eating and shaking here head in disgust.

Later that afternoon, I had a closed door meeting my editor. I told him what was going on and that this was harassment. He was very supportive and very upset. He know about my ED. He assured that this type of thing is not condoned by the company. I am not sure what the fall out will be but I have come to far to be treated like this. These series of incidents could have set me back months.

I know that I have gained. I am semi-cool with the weight gain. I have been cleared to do exercise. And how dare that bitch tell me that I’m fat. She has no idea how low I have been, what I have been through and how hard I have worked.
I am finally starting to eat with others and not feel weird. She wasn’t taking this from me. So yes, I went to my editor. I don’t want her fired because she has worked there for years. I wish my mom was alive. She would know what to say to make me feel better. But I know she is proud at how I handled this.

So I am trying to get back to my happy place. A place where I was confident and proud of myself. Right now, I am okay. I covered my mirrors to keep myself from looking and stressing over my body. When I look in the mirror, I don’t see the confident and healthy girl I saw two weeks ago. I see someone who has let herself go.

I did have an emergency appointment with my therapist. And I was honest with Dr. M. I have stopped eating breakfast. Lunch is good because I am with the lunch bunch. But for the a few nights, dinner was toast with strawberry spread and a small salad. We talked about this and developed a plan, which is working.

In the last few months, my husband and I have become friends again. I told him about this and he was very upset because he knows how hard I have worked to make progress. He told me that he was very proud of my progress and that I looked so good and healthy.

This is just a temporary speed bump. I can’t eliminate or restrict my eating. My job is too demanding. I need all my energy and strength to cover four school districts, a community college, nine small towns and whatever else happens. Plus, I got two magazines, a website, a radio broadcast, Facebook and Twitter. And most importantly, a five year old who thinks I am awesome. There is no room in my life for ED.

Daily Dose

1. Being able to see the Picasso exhibit in person. It was amazing.

2. Finding an really cool jacket to wear to the art gallery tomorrow night.

3. For having supportive friends who care about my well-being. (If you are reading this, you are one of those friends. So thanks!

How one comment can make you feel like s**%!

2011-02-21T12:07:00.000-05:00

Today started out as a pretty decent day. For once, I didn't stress about myself in the mirror. Wearing my favorite sweater, munching on some pumpkin bread and feeling pretty good. Then, I fried my computer and a co-worker told me I looked fat. The conversation:
Me--This pumpkin bread is delicious.
Her--Have you gained some weight?
Me--Yes, I weight this I have in my whole life.
Her--I can tell. It shows in your stomach. You look fat. Maybe you shouldn't snack as much.
I was speechless. She works in another part of the building so we really don't know each other. Others in the room were silent.

I tossed my bread in the trash and left the room. I would love to tell you that I told her off. But instead, I cried in the photo room in the dark. Since gaining a healthy weight, I have had some body issues. I know my stomach isn't flat. I have exercising and watching what I eat within reason. But who tells another person that they look fat. It was rude and uncalled for.

Two of newsroom friends are out sick, so I asked my boss if I looked fat. He knows about my ED. His first question was why. And I simply said without saying a name that someone had remarked that I had put on some weight. He told me that in the seven months that he has known that I look very healthy. Apparently, when we first met him and his wife thought I was sick because I was so thin. He wanted a name. I didn't give it. Why spread bitchness.

I don't know why she said it. And I am trying not to let it stick in my mind. But ED is working overtime. I just had to get this off my chest so it wouldn't fester. I love my green sweater with the huge buttons. Now, every time I look at it, I'll hear her comment.

Let's Go Crazy

2011-02-20T20:43:00.000-05:00

It has been awhile since I updated. Between going to visit JJ and working, I have slammed with work. All week I have looked forward to just vegging. So I did. Thank God for tv marathons. They are for tired. It was a beautiful weekend so I managed to squeeze in a walk, clean out my car, make the living room look decent and cook a few meals.

I marinaded some chicken breasts in some herbs and garlic. It was pretty good. Served with some garden peas and bread, it was a nice meal.

I actually put away most of the laundry I had done two weeks ago, which is good considering it's laundry time again. Edwise, I am doing okay. I have had some freak out moments. I boxed up some pants and other clothes that I no longer fit. If I keep them, I will want to figure out a way to make them fit. So, I give to someone who fits them.

Two of my favorite movies were on tv this weekend--Ferris Bueller's Day Off and Purple Rain. Both have awesome soundtracks especially Purple Rain.

Daily Dose

1. See the video to Brown Chicken Brown Cow by Trace Adkins. Best laugh of the week for me.

2. I still know how to cut up a whole chicken. It's not perfect but it's still good.

3. Another week begins!

Sweet escape

2011-02-11T16:48:00.000-05:00

We all have good days and bad days. This week has been a rollercoaster between the two with the demands of my job and life. But there is a light at the end of the tunnel, I am leaving early in the a.m. to see my sweet JJ. He doesn't know I am coming. I can't wait. It will be nice to be around someone who geniunely loves me and will me plenty of hugs and kisses. He is my valentine.

I am so glad he exists because there days everything is overwhelming. It is nice to hear about a day where the biggest worry is deciding between chocolate and plain milk. Or a discussion on why Iron Man is the best movie ever. He make me laugh with his comments. He is my sunshine when days are cloudy and gray. He will never know how many times he has kept me from doing something stupid and regretful. Whenever ED starts whispering, I think about him. A few months when we went out to eat, he told me it was nice to see me eating. After talking with him, I realized that he thought I was some sort of super person because I never ate. I had to explain to him about my ED and the fact I am getting help.

"I know you are doing better Mommy because you are doing stuff," he said. "When you are not well, you want to sleep." It broke my heart that my son had to learn at such a young age about ED.

He is my motivation when things are tough. There are photos of him everywhere. I see him as write my stories because they are pictures of him on my desk. I see his face when I turn off the lights to go to sleep.

On Saturday we are going to the park, going to watch a movie and have a pajama party. I can't wait. He'll wear his Cars pajamas and I'll wear my newspaper pajamas. Yes, I have pajamas with newspapers on them. And I will take tons of photos. He will call me the paparazzi.

He keeps me grounded and sane. He is my little piece of heaven. My sweet JJ. Have a good weekend! I know I will.

Daily Dose

1. It is Friday!

2. Pajama Party!

3. I get to see my JJ.

We like to party

2011-02-07T11:19:00.000-05:00

Or at least in my mind. The madness that is the Super Bowl is over. I was invited to several get togethers but chose to stay home. Last week was pretty rough at work. I slept in Sunday until 11:30 a.m. For there, I created my own party for one. I had teriyaki chicken that I had marinated, french onion dip, miniature chocolate cupcakes, honey barbecue chicken wings, tons of red punch, honey butter toast and chicken salad. It was a nice spread that I eating on for the rest of the week. It started as an afternoon of pure laziness filled with magazines, the Sunday paper and marathon of Toddlers and Tiarias. This show has become my new guilty pleasure.

My favorite is this little girl name Mackenzie. This child is a piece of work. My thing--you can't be a little diva with a pacifer in your mouth. I flipped the Super Bowl and that marathon. I am not a football fan so I tried not to fall asleep. The Glee episode was okay. I am not a Gleek but have friends who are so I promised them I would watch it. It was so-so.

Today is my partial day off. Tonight I have a meeting to cover. I am not looking forward to it. I brought a Dancing with the Stars dvd to work out to. I suck at it but it is so much fun trying to keep up with them. I think that is the whole point. Just get your butt up and move.

Daily Dose

1. Found my camcorder.

2. Might know this week if JJ is coming for spring break.

3. Met a real hero--a 22 year-old who rescued a man from a burning car.

Heart Still Beats

2011-01-30T17:47:00.000-05:00

I have had a pretty good week. I am relaxing on the couch after spending the day in Rocky Mount. RR is great but doesn't have bookstore, a Target or a Goodwill. If I want those three, I have to leave. Today, I went to Rocky Mount.

My first stop on little adventure was Books-A-Million. It was nice to have a red velvet cupcake, a cup of hot chocolate and a book. I soaked it all in and love it. My next stop was Target. I spent an hour and half in there and didn't buy a thing. I miss that store.

The last stop was at the Goodwill. I brought five dresses as a reward (more on that in a few). And a cute pair of red pumps. The real purpose for going to Rocky Mount was to take pictures for a magazine article I am writing about the children's museum. I had a great time but wish JJ was there. The exhibit was on dinosaurs. They moved and made sounds. It was so cool. I have added it to the list of places that I plan to take him when he comes to RR for a visit in a few weeks.

Back to giving myself a reward. I had therapy session on Thursday. It was very productive. At the end was the monthly weight check. Since I have started seeing Dr. M, I have turned my back so I wouldn't see the numbers. Numbers stress me which can lead to restricting. I have been doing pretty so I decided to find out the number. I am at 126 pounds. This is the most that I have weighed in my life. I did a happy dance in Dr. M's office. Dr. M told me that he was proud of me. When I first started therapy, he was worried about my weight, my depression and my ED.

Dr. M also gave me the greenlight to take water aerobics. I am comfortable with the numbers and the fact I am doing well. With the new requirements of my job, I need to be healthy and on my game.

Daily Dose

1. Feeling comfortable inside my skin.

2. Being comfortable enough to wear dresses.

3. Red velvet cupcakes are AWESOME.

Today was a fairytale

2011-01-26T17:15:00.000-05:00

Today has been the most awesome day. I was named the employee of the year for my newspaper. I am shocked. I am speechless.

Me and my award

Once I got the news, the plaque and the congratulations, I picked up the phone. I wanted to call my mom. Even though, she's not here. She knows. And I think she is very proud of me. This is why recovery is so important to me. 2010Actually, yesterday was the most awesome day. I was named the employee of the year for my newspaper. I am still shocked and just amazed.

For the last few months, I feel like I have been struggling. I had D take a picture of me with the plaque today. The plaque is nice and shiny.

Once I got the news, the plaque and the congratulations, I picked up the phone. I wanted to call my mom. Even though she's not here, I think she is very proud of me. This is why recovery is so important to me. I can't do this job at half capacity.

I have always felt I was send to RR for a reason. For the first time in a long time, I feel like I belong.

So how did I celebrate my big win. I brought some cool wine glasses with black stems. I toasted myself with citrus punch, chicken alfredo and a cupcake. Not a bad way to spend a Tuesday.

Daily Dose

1. I am the employee of the year. OMG!

2. I didn’t cringed when I looked in the mirror this morning.

Put a dent in the Ryan’s buffet.

We Are Who We Are

2011-01-23T20:29:00.000-05:00

In order to get a three day weekend, I worked hard. Was it worth it? I got my hair cut in a bob, did laundry and went grocery shopping. It ws nice. D was given three huge garbage bags for her daughters. After going through them, they gave them to me to see if there was any thing for me.

While looking, I had a small moment. A lot of the clothes were a size 0. A lot of people think I am a size 0. I was when I first came to RR. But thanks to medication and a good therapist, I am size three or four. Sometimes that unnerves me but most of the time I am proud. I look healthy and not scary sick. But back to the clothes.

There are three huge garbage bags of clothing, shoes and belts. I am giddy with excitement. Those that don't fit will be donate to a lady I did story on recently. She runs an unofficial clothes closet out of her home. I think this is AWESOME. So I want to do my part and help out.

My three day weekend was spend on the couch with tons of magazines and Buffy the Vampire Slayer marathon on Saturday and CSI NY today. It was three days of pure laziness. I haven't done anything productive. But I am happy.

Daily Dose

1. Cooking dinner.

2. Relaxing before another week

3. Being able to give back.

Alive and Kicking

2011-01-18T10:00:00.000-05:00

I woke up feeling refreshed and recharged. I had Monday off from work. I didn’t get out of bed until about 2 p.m. I did some unpacking.

I haven’t been as diligent as I should so there are boxes in the kitchen and tons in the spare bedroom. It is so sad that I have so many clothes that I am not missing the ones still packed.

I got the news yesterday that the man who hired me at my current paper died on Friday. I will always be grateful to him for taking a chance on a shy girl with only weekly newspaper experience. Without him, I don’t think I would have made it to the big time.

I talked with JJ’s father last night. We are continuing to be on more friendly tones with one another. His mother is nearing the last stages of lung cancer so things are tense and sad with the family. I know what he is going through so I am trying to be there for him and JJ.

I love answering surveys and I saw this one on someone’s blog so I decided to do it. This is in place of the Daily Dose.

Four Words/Phrases I Use Too Much

1). Whatever!

2). Sweet!

3). So let me get this straight!

4). I don’t think so!

Four of My Passions

1). Newspapers-- I love reading if they are five years old. I am a fan of the written word on newsprint.

2). Music: Life would be so empty if there was no music to listen while cleaning, cooking or just driving the car.

3). Orange soda

4). Writing—It is my life.

Four Things You’d Discover Upon Meeting Me in Person

1). Even though I am a reporter, I am really shy.

2). That I love heels.

3). The doors are dented on my car.

4). I am tiny. I am only 5 feet 2 inches.

Four Things I’ve Learned From the Past

1). It is better to have three good friends than five crappy ones.

2). It’s okay to break my rules.

3). Just because they are family, you don’t have to like them.

4). Sometimes you have to step out of your comfort zone.

Four Favorite Foods

1) Chicken salad (especially from Elias’)

2) Fish sticks

3) Golden Graham chocolate marshallow treats

4) Mandarin chicken

Four TV Shows I Love

1) Grey’s Anatomy

2) Law and Order

3) Top Chef

4) Hoarders

Four Things I Love about Winter

1). Being able to wear cool sweaters

2). Cool tights

3). Seeing it snow

4). Being able to breathe in the cold air on a cold morning

Sweet Emotion

2011-01-15T23:23:00.002-05:00

Today was a good day. I am tired as hell but it was good. I wrote four stories. Two made the front page and look awesome with the photos I took. I will sleep good tonight.

My living room finally looks like a living room. There are still boxes in the kitchen, spare bedroom and the hall but the living room is open for guests. At this store that sells all kinds of odds and ends, I found two black swivel bar stools so now I can eat the bar instead on the couch. My little adobe is coming together. For the first time in a long time I feel like an adult.

To celebrate, I did a happy dance in my living room to "In My House" by the Mary Jane Girls.

Tomorrow will be a fun day. I am headed to Colonial Heights, Virginia to visit Books-a-Million and Target. I just want to remember what it is like having those in the same city I live in. Plus, I get to have a red velvet cupcake. In the afternoon, I will go see D's daughter in a theater production. And that evening will be the Golden Globes. I love award shows.

And EDwise, things went pretty well. I covered an event where hot dogs were served. I have picky about hotdogs. I don't like red ones but around here that is what is served at events. Hot dogs should not be red. The president of the group that sponsored the event was so nice. So I ate it without thinking about what it meant. Still don't like red hot dogs. It was still a good day.

Daily Dose

1. Texting pictures to my son and him texting pictures back.

2. Having a clean living room.

3. Figuring out how to hook up a dvd player to a tv with cable on it. It took more than a hour but I did it. Made watching "Remember Me" even more sweeter.

The Dog Days are Gone

2011-01-10T09:44:00.000-05:00

We are bracing for a snow and ice event here. I hit the grocery store yesterday so I have bread and milk. The milk is to make blueberry muffins. I am starting to recover my inner chef. Before ED took over my life, I wanted to be a chef and own my own restaurant. If things had went according to plan, I would be have probably had my own cooking show.

Since moving into my own place, I have made homemade sloppy joes and spaghetti. I’ll have to remember to take some pictures to share of my culinary fun.

I had a great weekend. I went to D’s house at the Lake. We sat around and talked. And since I was off my medication. I had a few drinks. (I am now officially back on the meds.) She doesn’t have cable but she had this channel that shows all kinds of music videos from the 50s to today. It was nice to see Wang Chung along with Katy Perry and Weezer. It was nice to veg out and have some fun.

At one point, I ate a bowl of chicken and rice. I didn’t think about it. I just ate. There was no analyzing or calculating. I just ate while we were talking at the dining room table. I was so proud of myself.

Right now, I am taking a break at work before finding out which schools are closing early. It is very cold outside so I know something involving precipitation will happen. My normal eight minute commute will probably turn into 15 minutes tomorrow. Since I live close to the newspaper, I am expected to be at work. No snow day for the weary.

Daily Dose
1. Being a Food Network chef in my own mind.
2. Getting texts from JJ.
3. Letting go some of my food rules.

Say You'll Haunt Me

2011-01-07T23:06:00.000-05:00

I have been on medication for about two months. I can see and feel the difference. My attitude has improved but my body issues are in high gear.

ED has returned. She constantly whispers. Today for the first time in a month, I skipped breakfast and lunch.

I have curves and look pretty good. My friends tell me I no longer look frail or fragile. But to me, I am fat and hideous. I hate my clothes are snugged. I have been avoiding mirrors.

Last week, my prescription ran out and needed to be refilled. The script is still in my purse. I have thought about tearing it up. But this week, I have been a roller coaster of emotions. I believe I am one of those people who need something to regulate them. I am on the road to health but I am so scared because I take comfort in being thin and in control. The medication makes me hungry all of the time. But it helps with the depression and ED's whisperings.

I am 37 years old and there is only so much more my body can take now. I have so much to aspire for but I am allowing ED to whisper. I am trying hard to resist. I hate change but this is not just a change but a choice to live and enjoy life. I am starting to have a life. Plus, there are so many things I want to do with JJ. So tomorrow, I will refill my prescription and continue to live in the now. And not be a deathly ill girl of the past.
But I am scared one day, I will give into ED completely. So I will take it one meal at a time and not stress about it.

Daily Dose

1. My newspaper is starting a women's magazine.

2. Dodged the bullet for a snow storm Saturday.

3. Going to crash and D's house at the lake and get my head together.

New Year, New Horizons

2011-01-04T03:31:00.000-05:00

This is the fourth day of the new year and I feel awesome. I had an exciting and peaceful weekend.

I went to a party on New Year's Eve. The first time in a long time. I had a pretty good time. I got all dressed up and even put on lipstick and curled my hair. Before attending the party in pickleland, I worked about 10 hours, showered and got ready and then drove 2 hours to the party. It was nice to be around others.

Here I am enjoying the party after midnight. I can be quite social when I put my mind to it.

On the first day of 2011, I did what I do best--being reporter girl. I wrote a touching story on a little girl named Emma, who is about to turn one with trisomy 13. Trisomy 13 is a chromosome disorder rarer than Down Syndrome. She has an extra 13th chromosome in every cell in her body. Most babies with severe chromosome abnormalities die before birth.When she was born, she was given two days to live by doctors. But she has shown them. She has developmentally delayed. Emma is my new hero. This little girl has defied the odds and will continue. I feel so blessed to have met her and her family and honored to be able tell her story. She turns one on Wednesday. I think I will blown out a candle for her.

I have written a lot of stories in my career but I am very proud of this one. I wish my mom could read it. My editor and design editor said it made them cry. I just wanted to make sure I told Emma's story properly.

I also wrote about a man shooting at two police officers. I don't like writing about crime. It's not my cup of tea but it was my weekend to work. After work, I vegged out on the couch.

On Sunday, I was Silly Girl on a mission--to find a New York Times for my boss and a Books-a-Million for me. I found both. BOM has the most awesome red velvet cupcakes. They are not cheap but are so worth it. After this, I headed to the BEST Goodwill store ever. I found tons of stuff. Plus a pair of black pumps that are gorgeous. I need to take some pictures of my shoe collection. It is the envy of most at work. After shopping, I headed home to watch The Stand on the Syfy channel.

I read the book in high school. It was the beginning of my lifelong affair with Stephen King. The man is a genius. I don't like everything he writes but 98% of it I have read. The miniseries is top notch.

In lieu of my Daily Dose, I give you my 11 things to do 2011:

1. Have JJ visit me in RR.

2. Get a story published in a magazine (not owned by my newspaper).

3. Volunteer with Habitat for Humanity

4. Learn to swim.

5. Have a housewarming party in my new apartment.

6. Conquer my fear of swimming.

7. Attend church on a regular basis.

8. Be a better friend.

9.Attend a concert.

10. Enter the NC Press Association News, Editorial and Photojournalism contest

11. Continue on the path to being ED free.

Party like it's 2011

2010-12-31T09:23:00.000-05:00

This is my last post for 2010. I am ready to see this year go. I have to go on record as it being the worst year of my life. I am about to face a new year with new possibilities but without my biggest supporter.

I wanted to thank everyone for all of their support and kind words during this year. It really mean a lot to me.

I wish I could say that ED hasn't reared her ugly head in the past few weeks but she has. The remeron has given me back my appetite, which made me go on an eating spree. A spree that has added a few pounds to me.

Last night, I looked in the mirror. I saw the increase and had a minor breakdown. For the first time, I am going to have to be serious about exercise. My metabolism is pretty much shot so I am looking at my options, they range from swimming to maybe be Zumba. It will require me to do some work but I am ready because I wanted to be healthy. Overall, I feel pretty decent about myself. ED is trying but 95 percent of the time I shut her out. Last night, she managed to get inside my head.

I am working hard. I see so many possibilities for 2011--career, professional and personal. Don't worry I will keep you posted.

Daily Dose

1. Anti-social me is going to a party. I will make sure someone takes a photo of me.

2. I cooked. I made my version of sloppy joes with ground turkey.

3. Have a Happy New Year! See you in 2011!

Recap of 10 things to do in 2010

2010-12-28T21:40:00.000-05:00

Six months ago, I resolved to do 10 things in 2010. Well, there were so roadblocks--my mom's death, a new boss and being depressed. So I decide to see how much of the list I have accomplished. In a few days, a new list will debut--11 things to do in 2011.

Here is where I am at now.

1. Plan a social event--I lived in a motel until about two weeks ago. So there was no event.

2. Go to Richmond, Va.--MADE IT HALFWAY

3. Volunteer with Habitat for Humanity--NO TIME.

4. Learn to swim.--LOST MY NERVE.

5. Watch a major sporting event with others instead of alone.--DID IT.

6. Have my son visit me in RR--NOT YET BECAUSE OF HIS SCHOOL AND MY WORK SCHEDULE

7. Have a spa day.--DIDN'T MAKE THE TIME

8. Go out to eat at a really nice restaurant.--NOT YET

9. Get a story published in a magazine (not owned by my newspaper).--WORKING ON IT

10. Celebrate on New Year's Eve with other people. WILL BE GOING TO A PARTY HOSTED BY MY FRIEND T.

Overall, I realize I need to make time for myself and not just focus on work. So I will give this some thought for 2011.

DAILY DOSE

1. Taking a bubble bath and sipping on a mimosa.

2. Unpacking most of my clothes.

3. Buying my favorite chicken salad from Eli's Butcher Shop.

A white not so bad Christmas

2010-12-26T20:13:00.000-05:00

I was dreading Christmas this year. It was my first one without my mom and the first time home since her death. Throw in a snowstorm and you got the makings for an interesting Christmas. At first, I wasn't going to get on the road Christmas eve. I worked and got off at 2 p.m. and decided I couldn't miss seeing my baby on Christmas. I drove.

Even though, I don't look happy I am happy. I still have stitches so my mouth is a little sore.

It was worth it Christmas morning to hear JJ scream "Mommy" as he ran down the hallway. He gave me a big hug and kiss. He put a bow on me and told me I was his gift from Santa. It made it all worth. I stayed a few hours.

Opening presents!

I took tons of pictures. My mother-in-law is dying of lung cancer and it is probably her last Christmas. I asked her if I could take some photos of her and jj. She agreed.

It snowing Christmas as I drove home. All in all it was good Christmas. I miss my mother and Christmas isn't the same without her. But I am working on making new memories.

My brother and nephew

I gave my brother a photo album for Christmas. He doesn't take many pictures of my nephew so I will and he needs a place to keep the pictures.

It's snowed!

Today, it snowed for several hours. I took some pictures at the back door. I didn't step outside at all. I used today to unpack and cook. It was nice to relax and enjoy my new place. Things are mess. Boxes are everywhere but it is home. My place with several rooms.

I still can't believe I am employee of the month.

I have some good news. I was named the employee of the month for November. I got a Wheaties box with my picture on it. JJ thought it was awesome. I thought it was too because this is the second time this year I have been named employee of the month. It has been a rough year but I managed to hold it together to do a good job.

DAILY DOSE

1. It was snowing today.
2. I got to see my baby for Christmas.

3. Snow days are awesome.

In a few....

2010-12-20T21:37:00.000-05:00

In a few moments, I will shut down this computer and head to my new home. I am nervous but looking forward. I moved the last boxes and stuff out of the motel this morning before I went to work. Today has been the best but longest Monday. Coordinated the delivery of my bedroom suite while juggling two interviews. Opened a few boxes and covered a teacher of the year ceremony.

All in all things are still going okay. I am looking forward to cooking. We are suppose to bring something for the newspaper's annual food fest before Christmas. Last year, I was absolutely petrified and was worried about eating.

I had some whispers from ED about it throughout the day. But I held my ground and didn't come up with an excuse like I did last year to ditch the event. This year, I am going proudly. And I will take whatever I find at Food Lion in the morning before work. But next year, I will be baking.

Let the unpacking begin!!!!!!!!!

Daily Dose

1. Adjusting to not having any top teeth and stitches in my mouth. It makes eating interesting.

2. In a few days, I will see my favorite little guy.

3. Sharing photos of my living room and bedroom. Not bad for a person with no decorating bone in her body.

I love my living room. This is the neat side. The other sides are filled with boxes and more boxes.


I can't wait to go to bed tonight.

A new chapter

2010-12-19T20:53:00.000-05:00

A new chapter starts in my life on Monday. I will be living into my new apartment. I am giving up the motel life. I will admit I am scared about leaving my room. But it has to be done. A lot has changed since I came to the Brookwood. And while I miss the coziness. I look forward to cooking on a stove and having a full-size refrigerator. I am looking forward to having JJ and friends visit me. Plus being able to open a window. I will post some pictures in a few days. For a person living in one room, I had a lot of stuff. I have donated some to charity. Had a purse/bag giveaway at work. I was very popular that day.

I had the most inspiring day on Friday. I was sent to do a story on a church doing a toy and clothing giveaway. Basically, if you needed, you could take it. They were some of the nicest nonjudgmental. Everyone who came in was treated with kindness and respect. The same as some one in Belk's. After doing the interviews and photos, I was asked to pick something out. I declined but soon realize they wouldn't allow me to leave until I did so I picked out a purse with buttons on it. It reminded me of my grandmother. As I was talking to EH, she asked if I had any children. I told her about jj. Then I got a phone call telling me of another assignment. Before I left, I asked to use the restroom. When I came out, I found they had packed two bags of books and toys for JJ. Such a wonderful group of people.

I am spending my last night at the motel eating chicken salad, soaking in the tub and watching HBO. After tonight, I will not have cable and internet access until Thursday.

Daily Dose

1. My friend D was a great help in me moving. And a good second opinion when buying a bedroom suite.

2. Be able to step outside of my comfort zone.

3. Finding good chicken salad

Moving Day Snow Day

2010-12-16T13:54:00.000-05:00

A snow scene captured at the park.

The zen area at work.

Shot from a moving vehicle.

A picture of me doing what I do best.

Moving Day Snow Day
Today was suppose to be the beginning of me moving into my new place. Instead, we have three inches of snow with sleet and rain to come. So I have great pictures and cold feet.
I am finishing up for work and headed for home. The real fun starts when the sun goes down and the temperature drops. Friday morning is going to be real interesting around here. For now, I’ll just share my photos and enjoy my cup of hot chocolate.

Daily Dose
1. Had a good therapy session Wednesday.
2. Went an entire day without an ED thought. I don’t think that has ever happen.
3. Brought some living room furniture.

I am a Silly Girl with an apartment

2010-12-11T22:14:00.000-05:00

Here is one set of boxes.

I GOT THE APARTMENT!!!! I signed the lease on Thursday. I celebrated with Italian food with D. On Friday, I had eight teeth removed as part of OPERATION SMILE. They gave me some good drugs. It will take about awhile but one day, my smile will return/

For the most part, my room is pretty much packed. There are a few odds and ends left. I still have to get the utilities turned on but I have an apartment. It is two bedrooms and one bath of lovely. I fell in love with the kitchen. My mouth is a little sore because of the stitches but I am happy. Things are starting to come together.

More boxes!

Since I have lived in a motel for a year, I will be starting from scratch. No furniture. I don't even have a pillow. Folks at the paper have been looking through their homes and giving me things. D said it is all the good karma I have given out to others and its coming back. I plan to thank everyone by having a housewarming early next year. I will start the new year off in a new place with a new attitude.

And now, I am going to make me some garlic mash potatoes as a snack. Good tidings to all!

Daily Dose

I love my new boots. I feel so grown up in them.

1. I am so blessed to have friends and coworkers who care.

2. I got the apartment.

3. Watching disaster movies on the Syfy channel!

Meeting the big guy in red

2010-12-07T21:05:00.000-05:00

I have never been a Christmas person. Some of my worst memories revolve around the holiday. But once JJ was born, I decided I would make an effort to be in the holiday spirit each year for his sake. This year, he asked for Santa's autograph because he knew as a reporter I could get "some face time with him." At Sunday's parade, I talked with the Santa and his lovely bride. I snapped a few pictures of them on their sled and got the autograph. My son told me that I am "AWESOME. Mommy, you must know everyone." I don't know everyone but I know how to get to the big guy in red.

We learned last week that big country music festival is coming to RR in June 2011. I am not a country fan but it's cool to know that Sugarland, Lady Antebellum and Darius Rucker are coming here. And because are a South Carolina girl, I will get to interview Darius Rucker. I love Hootie and the Blowfish so I find that AWESOME.

I had a chance to meet Santa and Mrs. Claus.

Overall, I am still doing ok. I talk myself through an ED moment at lunch when I went to the Waffle House with friends. I am taking it day by day.

Today, I looked at a cute two-bedroom apartment. I will learn if I get the apartment tomorrow. Keep your fingers cross for me.

Daily Dose

1. Being able to handle my ED crisis.

2. Keeping a promise and passing it forward.

3. Soon I could have two closets for all of my clothes and shoes.

Starting to put myself back together

2010-12-05T11:41:00.000-05:00

For the last few months, I have felt like a part of me was missing. I felt like my mother was just gone. But with the help of therapy, letting myself grief and talking with my support system, I realize she will always be with me. It will be from past advice she has given me to seeing an episode of Hannah Montana.

Since I last wrote, I have had three sessions with Dr. M. One thing he said was apparent that I needed to be on medication. There was a concern about me wanting to hurt myself. I wouldn't for one big reason--JJ. I WILL NOT so anything to hurt him. He is my heart and soul. I live to hear him tell me stories and talk about his day. I won't damage my little angel. So I am back on 30 mg remeron. This is a mixed blessing. Remeron balances me mentally but it also gives me the appetite that others take for grant. This scares me but I have no problem eating three meals and two snacks a day. Last night I had a minor freak out moment that was solved by calling a friend. I ordered a nachos bell grande from Taco Bell with extra sour cream and extra meat. I ate the entire thing. In the past, I couldn't eat a small nachos with cheese.

Dr. M had warned me about this. My homework was to come up with a way to start getting fit. I hate to exercise. But my solution was to walk from the newspaper to the post office three days a week plus playing 30 minutes of Wii.

In other good news, I brought a digitial camera for work and play. It is a Canon Rebel. This is the most I have ever spent on myself. It is worth it because I don't have to worry about using the newspaper's one good camera and can take some good pictures.

Silly Girl in her natural habitat--the newsroom!

I went to the paper's Christmas party Friday night. I had a great time. The food was good and it was just great. I looked cute in skinny dark blue jeans, a wine color top and wine heels. I got out there a shaked my little moneymaker a few times. I miss dancing. I wish there was a place here. I think I need to investigate and organize a trip to a club with my friends.

Right now, I am relaxing before I have to get dress and go take pictures for the RR Christmas parade. It is about 45 degrees outside. Layering will be my friend. I hope I can snap a picture of the big guy in red.

Daily Dose

1. I am starting to feel again.

2. Working on donating clothes and other items.

3. Meds!

Being thankful for future evil scientist

2010-11-27T20:33:00.000-05:00

For the last few days, I have been vegging. I started some new meds and am adjusting well to them. I am just in a mood to be lazy. I have posted some pictures from my early birthday celebration with JJ. My favorite is the duck. I don't have many photos of me as a child. JJ can never say this.

JJ and the giant duck

I had at great Thanksgiving. I did absolutely nothing. The most work I did was heating up the turkey, the dressing and green bean casserole that I got from the grocery.

I watch a 10 hour Law and Order marathon. Thanksgiving has always been my mother and I holiday. This year, I just needed to be alone and reflect. I did this in my pajamas with plenty of Law and Order and tons of magazine.

I am thankful that I am doing okay mentally and physically. I am thankful that I have son who is healthy and sweet. Of course, he has decided he wants to be an evil scientist and take over the world. Mommy will be allowed to keep control of all bookstores. He has created a laugh for himself.

Hanging with Thomas the Train in Barnes and Noble

I had appointments Wednesday with my new doctor, who got me an appointment with a therapist. I am also back on medication. I think it is for the best.

The visit to see JJ went very well. His father and I are pretty nice to each other. He told me he was worried about my ED and if I looked healthy. This has not been a good year for me. When I got sick in June I weighed 115 pounds. I now weight 106. With everything I have went through, I still managed to do okay without constant meds and therapy. But I need help because I feel myself slipping.

Daily Dose

1. Watching the Sci Fi channel.
2. Found the best chicken salad in the world at the local butcher shop. It is good and worth the money.
3. I am thankful to have such a wonderful little boy. He doesn't know how much of a motivation he is for me.

Super JJ

Celebrating the big 5 early

2010-11-20T23:28:00.000-05:00

On Tuesday, my baby turns five. We celebrated early since I will be in RR. We went to the mall and he played with other kids in the chaotic play area. For JJ, the highlight was walking around in Wal-Mart in the toy aisle and the movie section. Or as he put it best. day. ever. For his birthday, I got him a train with the alphabet and clock to teach him how to spell and tell time, a GI Joe cartoon and kite. He was very happy. Even though, it has been a long week and took 4.5 hours to get to him--it was so worth it to get the hugs, kisses and the love.

We are camped out in hotel room watching cartoons and eating junk food. It's great to almost be five.

This week was a reporter's dream. The worst thing that could happen to a person happened on my paper's watch--an officer was shot in the line of duty on I-95. It was 24 hours filled with a manhunt, a school on lockdown, a suicide and several press conferences. I'm not the crime reporter but I played a crucial role--I got the photo of the remaining suspect being brought into jail. It was interesting but it felt weird. The officer is critical condition and is going to pull through. I admire police officers because it is a job I couldn't do.

Daily Dose

1. Celebrating my son's birthday early.
2. My baby is about to turn five.
3. Eskimo kisses from my son.

My new hobby--sleep

2010-11-14T22:21:00.000-05:00

I can’t imagine what life would be like not tired. In the last few weeks, it seems like I stay tired. I am beginning to wonder if this is how my life is suppose to be. It is sad to leave work, come home and have to take a nap to get through the rest of the evening. And God help me if I have a meeting to cover.

With the new editor, there has been a complete revamping of how things are done. I feel like every brain cell is being used everyday. I am still adjusting to the new beat, duties and other assignments. It is a lot.

My new adobe still looks like a hoarder’s paradise. I didn't have to work today or tomorrow so I did some cleaning. I have managed to put most of my clothes together. The big goal is to get the second bed cleaned off. Most off my clothes are put away.

I know I am depressed. October and November are busy months here so my doctor and therapy appointments are the day before Thankgsiving when works out since I am not going home. I can’t deal with family right now.

JJ’s birthday is on the 23rd with him turning the big 5. It seems like yesterday I was holding a tiny him who is getting taller each day. I have included some pictures from the beach trip of him. And maybe one of me.

JJ in the fort of pillows he made.

JJ playing Connect Four. I tried to play a game with him. He didn't like the rules so he made up up his own game.

JJ took this photo of me with his cell phone.

This is where we stayed. We stayed on the ground floor. Awesome place!

My birthday cake from JJ. He helped me blow out the candles.

I am still hanging in there. And I am trying to catch up on the blogs. Thanks for all of the support!

Daily Dose

1. Finding White Chocolate covered oreos. Delicious.

2. Indulging my craving for a Nachos Supreme with double meat and sour cream while watching Notting Hill.

3. Still keeping my head above water.

Making fashionistas proud

2010-11-03T23:10:00.000-04:00

I am so glad that the elections are over. It is the worst time to be a reporter. Last night was a late night filled with coffee, chocolate and lots of junk food.

Today, I went shopping with coworker T and her next door neighbor. We hit some the Salvation Army and the Goodwill in Virginia. I did some serious damage but have tons of clothes, shoes, a bag and some books. For the next few months, I am going to look good. I tried on some skinny jeans that looked great on me. I didn't cringe too much in the mirror. I am slowly becoming more comfortable with myself. My first therapy appointment is the day before Thanksgiving.

While shopping I felt like Carrie Bradshaw and the gang. It was fun. There were a few anxious moments but I did pretty well. For dinner, we hit Olive Garden. The salad and breadsticks were good. I ordered a chicken and pasta dish I couldn't pronounce and did pretty good. The rest will be for lunch tomorrow with the gang in the breakroom. I am officially a member of the lunch patrol. Overall, I am hanging in there. There was a moment I wanted to call my mom and tell her about a dress I wanted. I think she will approve of it and those red heels.

Daily Dose

1. A good Goodwill is AWESOME.

2. Olive Garden rocks!

3. Being a better friend to myself.

Beach bound!!!!!

2010-10-29T12:17:00.000-04:00

In about 45 minutes, I will be headed to Myrtle Beach to meet up with my son to spend the weekend. I am looking forward to being with him and having fun. It's always good time with my JJ. No work. Just fun in the sand and possibly the pool. I'll take plenty of pictures to share later.

Have a good weekend!

Daily Dose

1. Chocolate cupcakes with a gooey center

2. Today is a good day with a cute outfit, hat and attitude.

3. I get to hang at the beach with my son :)!!!!

Horror movies rock!!!!

2010-10-27T17:19:00.000-04:00

This is the season for horror movies and I am loving it. I have been watching them like crazy and going to work tired. But it is so worth it. This week has been Halloween week on AMC. My favorites are Halloween I and II. They are old school horror at its finest.

On Sunday, I watched Jeepers Creepers I and II along with Final Destination I, II, and III. And I stayed up late on Sunday night to watch Ghost Ship. This movie has one of the best opening scenes ever. But I do have one major horror movie rule. I don't like to see anything where there is a chance it could happen in real life. I will never see Paranormal Activity I or II. Things that go bump in the night means I would never sleep.

Next door to the motel is a house with a dog who sleeps under the air/heat unit. This dog is always bumping it. If I see those movies, I would never sleep again. I am not a big fan of gory horror like Saw or Hostel.

Overall, things are going pretty decent. I am starting to sleep better. I am waiting for the patient navigator at Rural Health to call me about my appointments for my physical, dental and mental needs. I am doing okay but the sooner I get help, the better I will feel. Right now, I am simplifying my life. The bigger room is cool but I have too much stuff so I am going through my clothes and shoes to donate things. I have given away some shoes.

I upgraded from my four year-old Nokia phone with no camera to a Samsung Comeback in white and plum. It is a sweet phone. I feel all sophisticated and grown up when I use it. I will start taking more pictures to post. It is good to be back.

Daily Dose

1. Horror movies.

2. I brought a toaster oven that can cooked lots of things. I had my fave of fish sticks and macaroni and cheese last night to break it in. Also got a new George Foreman grill and a toaster.

3. I am taking it day by day and meal by meal. No pressure.

How Silly Girl got her groove back

2010-10-20T22:52:00.000-04:00

I am taking each day by day. I am slowly making the new space livable. The standards of the new boss are demanding but I am keeping my head above water. I am turning out some top notch stories. I stay busy and go home tired each night. We have told to keep our hours at 40 a week. If it was just two stories a day for each issue, I get it. It is two fairly in-depth stories along with special section work, impact stories and stories for that damn magazine. In my beat, there are four school districts with 29 schools, a community college, four private schools, a charter school and nine small towns.

At the same time, I am trying to have a social life. I have appointments for the next two weeks for therapy, getting a physical and having my dental needs addressed. Next weekend, I am going home for the first since the funeral to see my little guy and family.

For my birthday, I spend a day in Burlington, NC. It was nice and for the first time in weeks, I felt normal. I had an iced coffee while reading books in Barnes and Noble and had lunch at Chili's. Then I went to Target and tried on some skinny jeans which scared me. Mirrors + tight pants=super anxiety. Instead I brought an orange sweater. Then on the way home, I visited some awesome Goodwill stores and racked up on the clothing. All in all, it was an awesome day. A good way to spend my birthday. My mom would be proud. I brought two dresses. So I am hanging in there.

Daily Dose

1. Mandarin chicken has become my favorite food.

2. There is no shame in seeking help.

3. Criminal Minds is scary good.

Bittersweet Birthday

2010-10-12T22:44:00.000-04:00

Today, I turned the big 37. It was weird not getting an early morning birthday call from my mom. My friends and co-workers worked hard to make sure today was a great day for me. I was a princess at the newspaper. Complete with a tiara and several magic wands. I truly felt loved.

I am sorry I have written as much. My new responsibilities at work have kept me crazy busy. Along with moving. I looked for an apartment and ended up moving five doors down to a bigger room at the motel. I love the motel life. It suits me. I am buying a toaster oven and crock pot so I have more cooking options.

Overall, I am doing so-so. Over the weekend, I attended a festival with D and got my blood pressure checked and my weight. BP is fine but since June, I have lost 13 pounds. I haven't started my meds because I thought maybe I don't need them. But between the weight loss, lack of sleep at night and wanting to sleep too much during the day, I think meds are in order. I can honestly say it is ED that is keeping me from eating. I am just depressed because I miss my mommy.

Daily Dose
1. D baked me a cake for my birthday and decorated my desk with tons of princess stuff.
2. My new room is a mess but large and awesome. I have two windows and tons of lights.
3. I see my favorite little guy this weekend. We have a movie date.

Today was a good day

2010-10-01T20:50:00.002-04:00

For the first time in a long time, I had a good day. It started out rough. It was rainy and I just didn't want to get out of bed. But thoughts of being fired and having no money are good motivators. Eventually, the sun came out and it was a beautiful day. And I enjoyed it. We have to keep our overtime down so I got to leave work at noon. I stuck around for an hour and had lunch with D and everyone else.

As I write this, I am listening to different songs on iTunes radio. It feels good to start to feel again. I have decided to give it a year at the work. And to make sure I will follow through, I am going apartment hunting next week with D and others. They know the area here so we are going apartment hunting. I miss having a closet, a stove and being able to open a window. I love being here at the motel but it's time to move on.

Asking for help has always been hard for me. Everyone is worried about me because of my past history. Honestly, I can't guaranteed that I will be okay. I am taking it day by day. Everyday, I get up and I go to work. I try not to make mistakes and do the best job I can. Yesterday, I admitted to D that I do eat one good meal each day--lunch. I am surrounded by people who are eating and who know my history. But once I head home, I usually go to bed. If food isn't within arms reach, I don't eat. So last night, D and her teenage daughters invited me to dinner at Pizza Hut. I had a great time even though the food and service sucked. They made me laugh.

I called the employee assistance number on the wall in our breakroom today. The therapist I was seeing is moving two hours away. So I have to start my search again. But it is worth it because if I continue on my current path, I will end up in the hospital. I do not want that. I am in the big leagues. I have friends and am finally starting to have a life. So I will be proactive.

Daily Dose

1. Soon I will have a closet. A closet.

2. String cheese is great. Or as JJ would say best. food. ever!

3. Grey's Anatomy is back and so good.

Rain, rain and more rain

2010-09-29T20:52:00.000-04:00

It has rained all day. I expect Noah to show up any minute. Today has been a bad day. There is no other way to say it. i need to vent or otherwise I might hurt someone so I vent. I started my new beat on Monday. Education is important but I hate it. There is nothing to balance it out plus I hate it.

I took this at the circus last week. On days like this, I want to run away and join the circus. This little girl was amazing.

In life, we should have one major life change every other year. I have had major life changes three years back to back. I am still dealing with my mother's death as best I can. My job is my sanctuary. I expected to return to it and get back to a routine. Instead I am having to adjust to life without my mother and learned about three additional school systems. Some days, I want to take to the bed and cry. For the first time since I was hired, I hate my job. Hate it. I have told myself I will give this new arrangement six months. If I still don't feel like it is working, then I will make a change. I am not a quitter. My mother didn't raise a quitter. But I hate being an education reporter. I am very lucky in this economy to have a job especially at a daily newspaper. But deep down inside, I hate my job. I miss county government. I wonder if I should have took my friend's advice and applied for the job in Pickle Land.

This past weekend, I went to Pickle Land and had a blast. I got to see my friends, talk and for 48 hours I felt okay. But I'm not okay. I'm depressed and hanging on. The hospice in Charlotte is working on finding me a grief counselor here. Right now, I can't really afford therapy. And I don't want to talk to my friends too much.

I am glad to get this off of my chest. I actually feel better. I think I will get me a bowl of Captain Crunch and watch Criminal Minds. Venting rocks!

I love this photo. I took it while waiting to interview some people.

Daily Dose

1. The remake of Hawaii Five-O is pretty good.
2. I found my dream pen at Rose's for $2. The pen is AWESOME!
3. Things are going to get better. I just have to have faith and patience.

One day at a time

2010-09-24T22:05:00.000-04:00

I am back in the swing of things. With my job, all the beats have changed some. Mine completely. I am now the education reporter with four school districts and a college. I will admit I'm not thrilled about it. But I am lucky to have a job and it's will be a new challenge. So here I am. I start seeing a counselor next week. I would be lying if I said I am completely okay. But I am doing pretty decent.

Grey's Anatomy returned last night and it was awesome. Tomorrow, I am headed to Pickle Land to visit my friends and just relax. My new beat starts Monday so I am trying to chill and rest. I found my chocolate peanut butter bugles at Wally World. I got the last bag so now I am watching The Soup and munching down.

Daily Dose

1. Grey's Anatomy is back!
2. So is Criminal Minds even though it scared me.
3. My birthday is coming up soon.

BBQ, trains and things

2010-09-18T20:08:00.000-04:00

It was my weekend off but I volunteered to help cover a barbecue cook off. I'm glad I went because otherwise I would have probably stayed in bed all day. It was nice being out in an open field with barbecue being cooked, a train for the kids, plenty of people and decent music. I had a good time. I was doing what I love while not wallowing in bed.

I am glad I went back to work this week because I needed to it. My beat is being changed from the county I love to cover to education. I don't like change but I don't want to be unemployed either. As Tim Gunn on Project Runway says "make it work." I'll have to this.

Annamarie from * f a k e . f a d i n g . m e m o r i e s * asked a question about if my son knows that his grandmother has died. He knows a little too well. His Memaw died and his other grandma is dying of lung cancer. My husband and I explained it to him. He took it well for a 4-year-old. At the funeral, JJ and I were seated beside my crazy aunt. Here is the conversation:

Crazy Aunt--JJ, you know your grandmother is sleeping?
JJ--No, my Memaw is not sleeping. She is dead and is in heaven. You don't tell a kid that because it will give them nightmares. Mommy, can I go sit with daddy?

My son understand in the best way a 4-year-old can. But I think it will be worst when my mother-in-law dies.

Everyone has been great here. They worried about me not eating. My appetite is shot but I am doing so-so with eating. Tonight, a friend from SC is in RR with her boyfriend visiting his kids. They want to go out to dinner. I still have issues eating with people I am not used to being around plus the funds are kind of low. I don't want to ask them to pay but what little money I have was for groceries. So I can tell them the truth or live off of ramen noodles and soup until payday. I will swallow my pride and tell her.

Overall, I am getting back into the swing of things. On Monday, I am making an appointment to talk with a grief counselor so things don't get bad. Being proactive is the best.

Daily Dose

1. I am working hard not be a hermit.

2. I had a craving for a double cheeseburger from McDonald's. I had two of them and a sundae.

3. How Do I Look is new.

Day by day

2010-09-17T16:14:00.000-04:00

I am home where I belong. The last few days have been very tough. Death brings out the ugly in people. I feel so lost. I am so used to calling my mother during the day and when I get off from work. I can only imagine how my brother must feel. He was so upset at funeral. It made my heart ache to see him cry so hard.

With everything going on, I am exhausted. I would have taken a few days off but I am tapped out of vacation and sick time. So I am back at work doing what I do best. I have received so many cards and phone calls from people that I report about. It tells me I'm doing okay up here.

We had an open casket for my mother so the people she worked with could have a viewing. My brother said he couldn't do the viewing with all the people. The family wasn't required to be there but I wanted to meet some of the people that knew her. My mother was well beloved. So many people told me stories about her and a how great she was. It was nice to know others knew how great she was.

My mom was my biggest fan and supporter. It seems so unreal that she is gone. I am a combination of numbness and sadness. I feel guilty for laughing or enjoying things. I know I shouldn't but I do. Time. It will just take time and plenty of chocolate peanut butter bugles. Today was the first day I felt like myself. I actually slept pretty decent last night.

A big thanks to everyone for your condolences. It means a whole lot to me.

Daily Dose

1. Being able to come home

2. Carrot cake from Ryan's

3. Watching Project Runaway while eating chili cheese fries

She is at peace

2010-09-08T23:44:00.001-04:00

My mother died yesterday at 8:35 a.m. It feels so surreal. I can't believe she is gone. She is at peace with no pain. I miss her so much that it just hurts.

The hospice nurses were a little freaked that I was all alone when she died. I admit I had a good cry before getting the nurse. The last few months have been hectic and crazy. I don't regret any of it. I was there for her and did the best I could.

I held her hand and told her I loved her as she took her final breath. I was glad I was there for her. I miss her so much. Today, I planned my mother's funeral with my brother and two of her sisters. It was quite an experience that I hope never to do again. But I did learn some fascinating things. First, caskets are very expensive but comfortable. I have always wondered if they were comfortable. I tested the theory by climbing into one. My brother was mortified. We are paying $1,800 for it. I wanted to make sure my mother would be comfortable. Another thing I learned is that my mother was a buffer for me with my family. I have never actually had to really deal with them. It is quite overwhelming and exhausting.

After such craziness, I went to see the one person who would make me happy--my JJ. I forgot my camera so I didn't get a picture of him getting on the bus. Last night, I made us chicken wraps and watched the Incredible Hulk.

Then I read him a story and we got ready for bed. I love my son but he is a crazy sleeper. He kicks and moves a lot. But it was worth. I got him ready for school. He is not a morning person. It was nice spending time with him. Hopefully, I will be able to do this a lot more.

I am ready to go home. I need to get back to my space so I can grieve properly. For the next few days, I will be sleeping in my mom's room at my aunt's house. I still expect her to walk around the corner and say--"Jackie, you are taking too much space in the bed."

I am procrastinating because I have to write the obit for the newspaper and for the funeral. The joy of being the writer in the family.

Daily Dose

1. Spending time with JJ.

2. Eating chicken on a stick in a gas station Chinese restaurant with my family after planning my mom's funeral.

3. Learning after all these weeks of stress that I am still at a healthy weight.

Getting to know me ( a nice distraction)

2010-09-07T00:52:00.001-04:00

The last few days have been pretty stressful. So when Frugalista at becauseeverybodyhasastory.blogspot.com tagged me to answer eight questions and create eight questions of my own to pass on to my eight favorite bloggers, I decided to do it. I say a big thanks to her. It was just the thing I needed to cheer myself up a little.

Her questions were:

1. If you could have one wish granted what would it be? My mother and my mother-in-law would be healed from the cancer. And I could spend a little more time with them.

2. Do people in your real life know about your blog or do you keep it to yourself? For the most part, I keep it to myself. I have very few things of my own and my blog means the world to me.

3. If you could change one part of your body or appearance what would it be? I would like to get my teeth fixed so I can smile freely without being embarrassed.

4. If you became a billionaire, would you quit your current job? I think it would keep it for a little while. I love being a reporter. Of course, I could start my own newspaper.

5. What do you like best about your body or appearance? My hair has always been my best feature.

6. What is something that people might be surprised to know about you? I love being a reporter but I am not a people person. I love to tell people stories but I am not good with socializing.

7. If you were forced to give up one of your 5 senses, which one would it be? This one was hard because I used my son as the basis for the answer. I would give up touch. I couldn't imagine not being able to see or hear my little guy.

8. If you could have any superhuman power what would it be? I would go with the ability to teleportation. It would save a lot of time and money on gas.

It was hard trying to decide which eight bloggers to pick for this because I have a lot of favorites. But here are my eight:

Annamaria at fake.fading.memories*

Sairs at This Lunatic Express

Angela at Leaving ED

Kim at Adventures in Wanting

Big Giant Hat at Free Your Giggle

Danielle at Ed-Recovery

Jenn at Letting Go...and Learning to Fly

Lisa at Pratfalls
Vee at Vee's View

Here are my questions and tagged you're it. I hope you'll answer but if you don't I won't be offended. This was a nice break from the realities of life.

1. What is one thing you miss about being a kid?

2. Are you a collector of anything?

3. What is your favorite book?

4. What do you usually think about right before falling asleep?

5. If you could visit anywhere in the world, where would you go?

6. What is something that people might be surprised to know about you?

7. What do you want to be when you grow up?

8. What was your first job?

Well, I am headed for bed. My mother is still holding on. She is such a fighter. I am so proud to be her daughter.

This is no time for Jerry Springer shenignans

2010-09-05T20:14:00.000-04:00

Things are sad, tense and scary right now. My mom is trying to fight but the end is very near. Today, was a day Jerry Springer would be proud of. My crazy aunt L decided to show her ass.

I feel as though it is my fault. I wanted to allow family members a chance to say their goodbyes. My aunt L is in serious denial. And honestly, she is the mayor and police chief of Crazytown. She arrived and tried to mess with my mother's IV. She upset the nurses, my aunt Em and my mother's minister. It got so bad that my brother, who had went home to nap, had to return to the hospital and involve the police. It got bad. So I know the funeral is going to be awful. Death brings out the ugly. I get the saying of death be not pretty. My family is worried about me and trying to make sure I eat. ED isn't talking. I just don't have an appetite. But I am trying. The elevators at this hospital are mirrored so I see my reflection coming and going. It does not look good.

I ate some of my lunch outside so I could have a change of scenery.

She is still hanging on. It is so painful to listen to her struggle to catch her breath. My brother left a few hours ago and said he couldn't come back. He said he couldn't watch. I understand. I will see this till the end.

Daily Dose

1. Ensure is a lifesaver.

2. I don't wish this on anyone.

3. We don't get to choose our family.

A nice distraction

2010-09-04T20:12:00.000-04:00

The last few days have been an emotional rollercoaster. My mom is quite a fighter. I love her deeply. I have played hostess to several family members, friends and others who have come to visit her. It is quite tiring but I am doing pretty good for a social hermit.

Today, my mom started out kind of alert. She is awake somewhat and can say a few words. But she is no longer eating or drinking anything. She got really anxious and had to be given something. My brother and I were told her time is slowly ending. We both took as well as two people could take it.

Right now, I am watching her sleep. She is having trouble breathing. I know things are not good. The hospice folks are starting to focus a lot of attention on me. I overheard my brother tell the nurse that he worries about me being here when the time comes. I don't know what I would do if I couldn't write about all of this and get it out.

I realize something today. I have never had to plan a funeral or worry about this stuff. The other "real" grown-ups like my mom did it. My brother and I said we will figure it all out one step at a time.

Daily Dose ( a special Mom edition)

1. For loving me even if I loved James Dean and bought tons of pens!

2. Giving the confidence to do whatever I set my mind to do

3. For being the best mother in the world!

How do you say good-bye?

2010-09-02T11:49:00.000-04:00

I went home for a few days. But I got call to return to the hospital. My mother is dying and not expected to live. Her breathing has stopped twice this week with the nurses working hard to bring her back. My brother and I (who resolved our differences) had to make the decision to put her on a ventilator or sign a do not resituation. In the beginning, he wanted the ventilator until he saw firsthand what the nurses had to do to bring her back. He signed the paperwork yesterday.

We decided to let her go naturally. I arrived after a 4.5 hour drive. The best time I ever drove. I took a different route. Anyway, I was worried if she would recognize me and if I would get to say goodbye. But how do you say goodbye to person who helped make you who you are?

My mom wasn't the hugging type but I knew she loved me. She worked two jobs and went to a technical college to get a good paying job to support my brother and I. She is my hero. She didn't graduate from high school but she is the smartest woman I know. And even though, she has admitted that she doesn't get me, she loves me.

When I arrived last night, I woke her up to say hi. She looked at me, smiled and said "Hi, Jackie! You look tired." She has had a brave fight. She was diagnosed almost five years ago and given six months to live. I think she has earned the right to rest and see her loved ones again. But there is a part of me that is scared and sad because soon I won't have my mommy.

A lazy Sunday afternoon except it's Saturday

2010-08-28T22:33:00.001-04:00

When it Rome, do what the Romans do. Today has been a lazy tv watching and magazine reading day. I wanted my last day here at the hospital with my mom to be peaceful. It was! We ate our meals together. Watched disaster movies on the Sci Fi channel. And now we are watching Bridezillas. My mom agrees there is something about watching a train wreck unfold in front of you. It was nice.

For dinner, she had chicken pan pie. I had a nice salad. And for dessert, we had little cups of ice cream that nurse brought us. My mom is a take-no-prisoners type person. Growing up, declarations of love and hugs were given. It was understood that she loved me. It wasn't until I was 22 and in the psych ward for an almost suicide attempt (combination of depression and ED) that she admitted she loved me. I was a grandma's girl so I figured my mother and I were just a lost cause. This is the reason I have lived up to 5 hours away. We have always did well in separate locations. When my grandmother died in 1998, I pretty much figured her funeral would be the last time I would talk to my mother. But my mother wasn't having it. I have to admit she fought hard to stay in my life. It started with a 10-minute call once every two weeks. A 30-minute once a month in person visit. It wasn't easy to get where we are now. But I am glad we both worked hard at it.

I have lived in this hospital on and off for a month. My wallet took a hit but I don't regret it. I got to spend time with my mother while she is still lucid and feisty as ever. I will miss her and the dessert area in the cafeteria. I worry about her and the future. And she worries about me--
MOM--I am going to miss you. You have spoiled me.
ME--You deserve it.
MOM--I worry that you don't eat enough. I know it is hard. Promise me, you'll try harder and see your therapist person.
ME--Okay.
MOM--I would hate to have to get well. And then I have to kick your ass.
ME--Point gotten.

My mom rocks. She is starting to have trouble holding cups and utensils with her good hand. She said it is a side effect from the chemo. I think it is because of the tumor in her upper arm that I discovered while putting lotion on her arm. It may not be a tumor but it is significant mass of something. It feels good to say this out loud. I haven't told the three musketeers but plan to talk to the doctor in the a.m.

Tomorrow, I head for home. The new boss has laid down some new rules. So I go from one stress to another one. But I'm not worried. What will be will be.

Daily Dose

1. A shout out to the dessert area in the cafeteria of the hospital. Some of the best desserts I have ever tasted.

2. A big thanks to the nurses, techs and others who have been so kind to my mom.

3. Bridezillas is quite interesting!!!!

So close but no release

2010-08-27T22:29:00.000-04:00

My mom was thisclose to being released today. They are having trouble with getting her pain management under control. I knew this would happen. But my brother didn't want to listen to me. I am just a Godless heathen, who wants her mother dead. Sorry--I needed to get that out of my system. I think my mother is finally starting to accept the magnitude of the situation.

Yesterday afternoon was awful. They were weaning her off of the pain medication pump and IV meds. And had went back to the slow release morphine and some other short-term meds. She ended up in a lot of pain. My brother, being the lovely person he is, was antsy and ready to leave. He drove 30 minutes to deliver some paperwork and wanted to stay 15 minutes. My mom wanted him to stay longer. "I'm tired. I need to go to Wal-Mart."Whine, whine and more whine. It never comes up about me being tired after working 10 hours and driving five and half hours. This is the reality of the situation--things are getting worse. A new game plan is needed. No one wants to listen to me so I am leaving Sunday. I will make the three musketeers (my dad, my aunt and my brother) are ready to step in. She will probably not be released until Tuesday.

I hope I don't come off cold and uncaring. I have tried so hard to tell the three musketeers that she can't go back to just pain pills. The time for that has come and go. I don't want her to be in pain. She needs to be comfortable. Her doctor has stressed this since she was wheeled through these doors 27 days ago.

With all these emotions, there was really only person I could talk to that understood what I was feeling--my husband, who I am separated from. In addition to sharing a beautiful son, we both have mothers who are dying of cancer. Right now, his mother has pneumonia. Months ago, she chose to forgo any life prolonging measures. So we are on the same journey but on different parts of the road. The conversation helped me a lot.

Daily Dose

1. Had breakfast, lunch and dinner today along with three Boosts and a Nutrigrain bar. The hospital switch from Ensure to Boost. My mom hates Boost.

2. The pain management process was so much better this evening.

3. Before I hit the road for RR, I will visit my son. His hugs and kisses are the best medicine.

Seems like yesterday...

2010-08-25T18:46:00.001-04:00

I think this is the quietest that JJ has ever been.

It seems like yesterday that I was worried about being a mother. In the beginning, there were a lot of questions on whether I could get pregnancy. My first was a miscarriage and the second was devastating stillbirth at six months. So a lot of concern was expressed on whether or not I could carry a baby to full term. Or if I was mentally stable to handle it. Let me tell you, it wasn't easy. It was a daily struggle between ED and I. ED tried to break me but I persevered. I found a high risk pregnancy specialist in Raleigh. Once a week, sometimes even twice a week, I would travel an hour to see the doctor. And JJ would always have a strong heartbeat at every check up. And when he kicked, oh could he kick. I still think that he has a future in playing soccer. I remember when I found out that he was a boy. I was so happy. As a tomboy, I could relate more to a boy than a girl. But it didn't matter, he could have Jaime and I would have been happy. On the days leading up to his birth, I wondered would he love me or know the crazy lady who talked and read to him. Before November 23, 2005, I didn't believe in love at first sight. But that day, I fell in love with a beautiful little boy. And he in love with me. Call me crazy but his little eyes lit up when I said hello to him. He knew my voice. I can remember when he first said mama. It was wonderful. There are no sweeter words.

It was love at first sight for both of us.

Recently, there have been days I have wanted to give up because I don't know if I am strong enough to defeat ED. There is so much going on and sometimes it is very overwhelming and scary. Recovery is hard. And then I look at him.

My little guy, who makes my heart sing.

I have braved heavy traffic, storms and drank milkshakes to maintain my weight so he would be born healthy and strong. I will do anything for him. He will always be my motivation for recovery. I know his future is bright. And I want to be there so I can see where that future takes him. Of course, now I have got to make sure he remains seated on the school bus. Even though, he doesn't like me saying it--he will always be my baby.

Daily Dose

1. My mother is being released on Friday. I can't wait to get out of here.

2. I don't think I can take much more hospital food.

3. Soon there will be more structure in my life.

Hospital living--the final week

2010-08-24T22:42:00.000-04:00

I am back at Presbyterian for hopefully the final week. My mom should be released on Friday. She will be headed to an assist living facility for rehab. I am so glad. She has come a long way. Twenty-four days ago, I was very extremely worried and scared. I am still worried but a manageable worried.

At first, she didn't want to go to assisted living because she was afraid no one would come to see her. I told her if that was the fear, a facility could be found in RR, where I live. I could see her around my schedule. It put her at ease because it made her realize how much I care about her care and comfort. My brother and I talk on an as needed basis. Otherwise, we argue. I worked an eight hour day yesterday, drove five and half hours and wrote stories for two hours. And before I arrived, my brother complained about inconsiderate I was about the fact that he had worked also and I should have came back sooner. And 45 minutes before I arrived at the hospital, he left to go meet friends. Today, I chilled with some magazines and scheduled phone interviews. This is not the ideal work situation for a reporter but I have managed to make it work.

I was home for four days and it was awesome. My new boss arrived Monday. I don't like change but whatever will happen will happen. I know there are going to be changes. Of late, my life seems to be one big change--my mom, my son going to school, work, life and ED. Change. I hate the word. But it is necessary.

Daily Dose

1. My mom is finally getting out of this place.

2. My little one is doing well in pre-school.

3. Things are finally starting to calm down.

Sleep—Best. Thing. Ever.

2010-08-21T18:11:00.000-04:00

Last night, I got 9.5 hours of sleep. Good sleep with no beeping hospital machines or nurses coming in the room every hour. I am home. At least until Monday evening and then I drive back to Charlotte.

I have missed my room, the bed and shower. It was nice to work at my desk and see my friends. My mother has improved so much. She is sitting up, feeding herself and just being herself in general. When I left Thursday evening, I was frustrated because my brother had talked my mom out of hospice care. He is still in denial about just how sick she is. I have overhead the nurses and Dr. T talking, things are not good. I think her doctor is waiting until she is stronger before he tells her the complete truth. I see the signs. Her doctor is urging her to go to hospice and to fill out an advance directive. My brother refuses to see the signs and tells me I am being negative. No, I am being realistic. I have to remember that we are two different people with six years between us. Plus, I was there when my grandmother was dying of bone cancer. I am not a pro but I know what is going on. I am trying not to say too much because this is how families can become strained. So I after spending next week with her, I am going home to work for about a week and half. I need some time to process things.

Today, I covered a motorcycle ride and a back to school event. It was hot. I got a little overheated and lost my breakfast. I am happy to say that my appetite is back. I was worried at the hospital because it slowly went away. Before I left, I was living on grilled cheese sandwiches and French fries. I think it was the stress of being at the hospital and being off my routine. I eat at 8 a.m, noon and 6 p.m. I can adjust every so often but if I am off the routine, it drives me crazy. At the hospital, I eat when they bring my mother’s tray—between 8:30 –8:45 a.m., 12:30-12:45 and 5:30-5:45.

Hopefully, my mother will be released next week. I know she is ready to go home. Even though, I secretly things she likes being there.

Daily Dose

1. I found my favorite candy—coconut stacks. Even though, I hate coconut. I love this candy.
2. Having a chance to sat on a Honda Goldwing. This is the Cadillac of motorcycles. It was so sweet.
3. I love my job. It gives me a measure of peace when things are crazy.

My baby is growing up

2010-08-18T21:07:00.000-04:00

My little guy!!!

My son starts school tomorrow. My little guy! It seems like yesterday that he was learning how to walk. And now, he is heading for school. What if he doesn't make friends or what if he is scared? I think he will do just fine. He's my little guy.

It's Wednesday here--fried chicken day at the hospital. The most anticipated day of the week here. My mom was so excited that she could hardly contain herself. Thank God for the catheter.

All morning, she was talking about the fried chicken. Apparently, only a select few know about this hidden option on the menu. My mom is one of the special ones. Also, I learned from a nurse today that my mom is something of a celebrity on this floor. She has defied all odds. Her cancer was so advanced when she diagnosed that she was suppose to have only lived six months. Now it makes sense why so many medical folks are in and out of this room.

It was pretty decent chicken. She was quite pleased with fried chicken day.

Daily Dose

1. My baby is going to school.

2. My mom continues to improve.

3. New episode of Top Chef.

Not meant for Mondays

2010-08-17T15:37:00.000-04:00

Why the chicken cross the road? There are many answers to this question. Unfortunately yesterday, one very nice chicken met an unhappy ending at the hands of a Silly Girl. I drove home Sunday so I could cover a meeting yesterday. My drive home was quite interesting. It started when I decided to get off I-95 and take the back roads.

On one back road, there was a nice old lady in her yard feeding her chickens. One ran out in front of me. It was a choice of hitting the chicken or being hit head on by an 18 wheeler. I feel bad for the chicken. I stopped and apologized to the lady. Here's the conversation.
ME: I am so sorry about what happen to your chicken. If you want, I can pay for him or her.
HER: Don't worry about it honey. I was wondering what you were going to do. I'm glad you hit him because that truck would have smashed you flat.
ME: Thanks. Well, I should be getting on the road.
HER: Do you want the chicken? It's some good eating?
ME: No. I am on the way to see my mom in the hospital. She isn't allowed to have fresh flowers. I think they would frown on a dead chicken.
HER: Suit yourself. I'm going to have a good dinner tonight.
We discuss the best way to cook it and I was on my way. Thirty minutes later, I was stopped by a state trooper for having an expired tag. With all going on in my life, I had completely forgotten about it. So I have to take care of this before Sept. 17.

All in all, things are going well. My mom is thinking about hospice care. Today, she started feeding herself. I know this is a honeymoon period before things get bad again. I'll take days like this.

Daily Dose

1. I wrote three stories from mobile hospital office.
2. My mom fed herself and did pretty good.
3. Enjoying time with my mom.
HER: