Friday, January 27, 2012

Seeing the light at the end of the dark tunnel

It is been forever since I have posted. Things are improving. This has been a rough week in terms of work but a good one mentally.

I  have my first appointment with my new therapist in person in a few days. We have talked on the phone a few times.  I went back to my old therapist. We both realized that I needed more than he could give.

It was pretty lengthy phone conversation with her asking a lot of questions. The appointment is Feb. 8 so she go through all of my past records. As we talked, she asked me about episodes of depression, my ED and medications.

Dr. X asked me how the various  meds made me feel. I told her for about three months each would be okay. But then slowly the more I took the meds, the more anxious I would feel. And usually, I would taper myself off of them because it. I told how my mood changed constantly in a day. Honestly, I think everyone goes through this.

This feeling is hard to describe. There have been days when I literally wanted to cut myself out of my body. And I don't want to hurt myself. I just feel so anxious and jittery. I feel like things are out of control.

Then she said something that really surprised. Dr. X asked if I had ever been diagnosed as bipolar. When I think of bipolar disorder and schiphozenia, those are two major categories on the mental illness scale. She said it was something she wanted to look into because most of my psych focus has been on ED and depression. "But I gut tells me there is more to it," Dr. X said. "I need to get all of your past medical records."

Dr. X said if she is right, it could be past and current medications that are causing the anxiety. I am still trying to process all of this. Dr. X has a background in ED. I checked her out good. She is not in RR but 20 minutes away in Virginia. I am feeling very positive and first time in weeks, I feel hopeful that someone knows what they are doing. I am on a low dose of remeron. She doesn't want me to completely stop yet but doesn't want me on the 60 mg of it either.

With my ED, I am doing a little better. Every morning, I  have a piece of toast with new Philly White Chocolate spread. It is awesome. Lunch is always with D. It helps me because meals are hard. Dinner is a Stouffers or Marie Calendars meal. It is just easy that way. Everything is there on one plate. Of late, all of the choices have been hard.



Friday, January 13, 2012

Stopping a downward spiral

In the past, my birthday has always been a trigger for me to relapse or get anxious. But for the past two years, my birthday has been my birthday. A day to celebrate my birth. 

Around Thanksgiving, I started feeling different. December was just a month of misery. I now realize that my meds had stopped working. So here I stand at a crossroad--I can increase the dosage and continue on my merry way or not. Remeron not only stabilizes my mood but gives me an appetite. 

I haven't had one since Thanksgiving. I eat based on time. If it is 7:15 a.m., it is breakfast. By noon, I must eat lunch and dinner between 6 and 7 p.m. If I increased the dosage, the appetite comes back for awhile  but I will gain more weight. This is why I was taking Seroquel to help with anxiety.  I don't think there is a enough Seroquel in the world to deal with my anxiety.

And while my therapist is being helpful, he admitted this is beyond him. So we are looking for a therapist outside of the area who can help me. This means I will probably be traveling to Virginia. Something needs to be done. My apartment is looks like my mind--cluttered and messy. But the kitchen is spotless and the trash is taken out because I am not filthy. But the mirrors are covered and my closet is almost empty. Each morning, I try on clothes and freak out. This has resulted in piles of clothes in my bedroom, hallway and living room. 

It is interesting that I  have managed to keep it together at work. I give the illusion that I am this  reporter who knows what she is doing. But in reality, I just want to go back to bed. On my phone are tons of messages and texts from friends that I just don't have the energy to answer. There is no intention of hurting myself. But my hobby of the last few weeks has been sleeping. Most nights, depending on when I get home, I am in bed. My beautiful bed has become my oasis. Cocooned in my comforter and blanket, I feel like nothing can touch me. I dread when the alarm goes off at 6:45 a.m. This means I must leave the safety of the bed and deal with life.

But do you know what made me really realize I need to do something and something fast. I have been ignoring my stomach growling. I was content to be hungry. This is not good. I have a phone consultation with the possible new therapist today. Other signs include not wanting to eat with my friends, being obsessed with cooking shows (they take the place of eating) and just not caring. No one else knows these feelings. My friends sense something is wrong. 

I have too much at stake for this downward spiral to continue. So today I am starting the climb back up. 

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Disturbance in the world of Jack

Let me start by saying that I am okay. And considering the way crime is in RR, it could have been a lot worst. I keep odd hours. I can leave for work at 7:30 a.m. and sometimes I don't come home until 8 or 9 p.m.

 Last Friday night, I actually got done early at 5 p.m. and went to the grocery store. While at the store, I debated canned peas or frozen peas (very important later). I ended up with canned ones because the frozen brand I like was not at Food Lion.

I drive home in a fairly decent mood because I will be home before 6:30 p.m. and can watch the news. I live on a street with lots of duplexes and kids. The road running parallel to my street is very busy, no sidewalks and no street lights. People walking tend to walk in people's yards so they don't get hit by a car. Plus, pedestrians and bikers in RR, don't wear light colored clothes at night. This puts them at serious risk for injury. This is a personal pet peeve of mine.  I pull into my driveway, park in front of my apartment, turn out the lights and do my nightly debate--can I carry everything or make two trips. Friday night for once I decided on two trips. As I am getting out of my car, a guy comes from around the corner. My instinct of saving my life kicks in and I throw the can of peas at him. I was aiming for the crotch but got the stomach. He screams, I scream and I get back into the car. I lock the door, grab my phone and am prepared to lay on the horn.

Him--What the hell is your probably lady?
Me--Why are you in my yard?
Him--I'm walking home. Who hits someone with a can?
Me--You are too far into my yard. I sensed danger. I defended myself.
Him--With (picking up the can) peas?

The man continues on his way. I hurry into my apartment. After calming down, I realize how funny it is. Yes, I could have been hurt especially if he had bad intentions. But he was just a guy who got in my personal space. I am a little more careful at night now along with coming home during the day to turn on the porch light and a inside light. But it is nice to know that I can defend myself with whatever is at hand. Plus, the peas were really good later with my grilled chicken and rice.

DAILY DOSE

1. Being handy with a can of peas.

2. It is okay to spend most of your day off in bed.

3. Girl with the Dragon Tattoo is an AWESOME movie. My first movie to see in 2012.

Sunday, January 1, 2012

Happy New Year!!!

I made a new friend!!!


Happy 2012!!!

I had a great time New Year's Eve. It was nice to get dressed up to go out and have a good time for free. It was awesome with free food with an Indian twist along with Caribbean steel band, belly dancers, karoke and line dancing. I even joined the Conga line. I think the photos best illustrate my night.


My friends and I posing.


I joined the Conga line. I had never done this before.

More Conga with Jackie!


Me with a balloon hat.

Me and D!!!

Last pic before the midnight hour!
We left the party at about one minute after 12 but we had a great time. Once I got home, I did dance around the living room in my heels and dress. It felt nice. I  had a great time. I definitely plan to do more things like this.

DAILY DOSE

1. Stepping outside of my comfort zone!
2. Making more of an effort!
3. Becoming comfortable in my own skin!