Sunday, February 27, 2011

Trying to get back to my happy place

This has been a difficult week but thank God for supportive friends. A big thank you to everyone who left words of encouragement. I wish I could say that I let all of this roll off of my back. It didn't but I am still standing.

In the past, I worried about telling others about my ED and recovery. I am so glad that I confided to my friends at work because it made things a little more bearable. Her comments made me realize that I still have some body issues that need to address. But I have come a long way in the past few months. If this had happen a year ago, I would have been devastated and probably restricted like crazy. I work hard to keep ED's thoughts muted. This week, they came in loud.

All of this wouldn't have been so bad. But she decided to elect herself as my own personal food police. If I was at the snack machine, she watched and shook her head. It was little things like this that started to get to me.The breaking point came Thursday at lunch. I was in the break room with my lunch bunch eating some KFC. She came in to get some water. I ignored her but my friends noticed that she stood behind me looking at what I was eating and shaking here head in disgust.

Later that afternoon, I had a closed door meeting my editor. I told him what was going on and that this was harassment. He was very supportive and very upset. He know about my ED. He assured that this type of thing is not condoned by the company. I am not sure what the fall out will be but I have come to far to be treated like this. These series of incidents could have set me back months.

I know that I have gained. I am semi-cool with the weight gain. I have been cleared to do exercise. And how dare that bitch tell me that I’m fat. She has no idea how low I have been, what I have been through and how hard I have worked.
I am finally starting to eat with others and not feel weird. She wasn’t taking this from me. So yes, I went to my editor. I don’t want her fired because she has worked there for years. I wish my mom was alive. She would know what to say to make me feel better. But I know she is proud at how I handled this.

So I am trying to get back to my happy place. A place where I was confident and proud of myself. Right now, I am okay. I covered my mirrors to keep myself from looking and stressing over my body. When I look in the mirror, I don’t see the confident and healthy girl I saw two weeks ago. I see someone who has let herself go.

I did have an emergency appointment with my therapist. And I was honest with Dr. M. I have stopped eating breakfast. Lunch is good because I am with the lunch bunch. But for the a few nights, dinner was toast with strawberry spread and a small salad.  We talked about this and developed a plan, which is working.

In the last few months, my husband and I have become friends again. I told him about this and he was very upset because he knows how hard I have worked to make progress. He told me that he was very proud of my progress and that I looked so good and healthy.

This is just a temporary speed bump. I can’t eliminate or restrict my eating. My job is too demanding. I need all my energy and strength to cover four school districts, a community college, nine small towns  and whatever else happens. Plus, I got two magazines, a website, a radio broadcast, Facebook and Twitter. And most importantly, a five year old who thinks I am awesome. There is no room in my life for ED.

Daily Dose
1.      Being able to see the Picasso exhibit in person. It was amazing.
2.      Finding an really cool jacket to wear to the art gallery tomorrow night.
3.      For having supportive friends who care about my well-being. (If you are reading this, you are one of those friends. So thanks!

Monday, February 21, 2011

How one comment can make you feel like s**%!

Today started out as a pretty decent day. For once, I didn't stress about myself in the mirror. Wearing my favorite sweater, munching on some pumpkin bread and feeling pretty good. Then, I fried my computer and a co-worker told me I looked fat. The conversation:
Me--This pumpkin bread is delicious.
Her--Have you gained some weight?
Me--Yes, I weight this I have in my whole life.
Her--I can tell. It shows in your stomach. You look fat. Maybe you shouldn't snack as much.
I was speechless. She works in another part of the building so we really don't know each other. Others in the room were silent. 

I tossed my bread in the trash and left the room. I would love to tell you that I told her off. But instead, I cried in the photo room in the dark. Since gaining a healthy weight, I have had some body issues. I know my stomach isn't flat. I have exercising and watching what I eat within reason. But who tells another person that they look fat. It was rude and uncalled for.

Two of newsroom friends are out sick, so I asked my boss if I looked fat. He knows about my ED. His first question was why. And I simply said without saying a name that someone had remarked that I had put on some weight. He told me that in the seven months that he has known that I look very healthy. Apparently, when we first met him and his wife thought I was sick because I was so thin. He wanted a name. I didn't give it. Why spread bitchness.

I don't know why she said it. And I am trying not to let it stick in my mind. But ED is working overtime. I just had to get this off my chest so it wouldn't fester. I love my green sweater with the huge buttons. Now, every time I look at it, I'll hear her comment.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Let's Go Crazy

It has been awhile since I updated. Between going to visit JJ and working, I have slammed with work. All week I have looked forward to just vegging. So I did. Thank God for tv marathons. They are for tired. It was a beautiful weekend so I managed to squeeze in a walk, clean out my car, make the living room look decent and cook a few meals.

I marinaded some chicken breasts in some herbs and garlic. It was pretty good. Served with some garden peas and bread, it was a nice meal.

I actually put away most of the laundry I had done two weeks ago, which is good considering it's laundry time again. Edwise, I am doing okay. I have had some freak out moments. I boxed up some pants and other clothes that I no longer fit. If I keep them, I will want to figure out a way to make them fit. So, I give to someone who fits them.

Two of my favorite movies were on tv this weekend--Ferris Bueller's Day Off and Purple Rain.  Both have awesome soundtracks especially Purple Rain.

Daily Dose

1. See the video to Brown Chicken Brown Cow by Trace Adkins. Best laugh of the week for me.

2. I still know how to cut up a whole chicken. It's not perfect but it's still good.

3. Another week begins!

Friday, February 11, 2011

Sweet escape

We all have good days and bad days. This week has been a rollercoaster between the two with the demands of my job and life. But there is a light at the end of the tunnel, I am leaving early in the a.m. to see my sweet JJ. He doesn't know I am coming. I can't wait. It will be nice to be around someone who geniunely loves me and will me plenty of hugs and kisses. He is my valentine.

I am so glad he exists because there days everything is overwhelming. It is nice to hear about a day where the biggest worry is deciding between chocolate and plain milk. Or a discussion on why Iron Man is the best movie ever. He make me laugh with his comments. He is my sunshine when days are cloudy and gray. He will never know how many times he has kept me from doing something stupid and regretful. Whenever ED starts whispering, I think about him. A few months when we went out to eat, he told me it was nice to see me eating. After talking with him, I realized that he thought I was some sort of super person because I never ate. I had to explain to him about my ED and the fact I am getting help.

"I know you are doing better Mommy because you are doing stuff," he said. "When you are not well, you want to sleep." It broke my heart that my son had to learn at such a young age about ED.

He is my motivation when things are tough. There are photos of him everywhere. I see him as write my stories because they are pictures of him on my desk. I see his face when I turn off the lights to go to sleep.

On Saturday we are going to the park, going to watch a movie and have a pajama party. I can't wait. He'll wear his Cars pajamas and I'll wear my newspaper pajamas. Yes, I have pajamas with newspapers on them. And I will take tons of photos. He will call me the paparazzi.

He keeps me grounded and sane. He is my little piece of heaven. My sweet JJ. Have a good weekend!  I know I will.

Daily Dose

1. It is Friday!

2. Pajama Party!

3. I get to see my JJ.

Monday, February 7, 2011

We like to party

Or at least in my mind. The madness that is the Super Bowl is over.  I was invited to several get togethers but chose to stay home. Last week was pretty rough at work. I slept in Sunday until 11:30 a.m. For there, I created my own party for one. I had teriyaki chicken that I had marinated, french onion dip, miniature chocolate cupcakes, honey barbecue chicken wings, tons of red punch, honey butter toast and chicken salad. It was a nice spread that I eating on for the rest of the week. It started as an afternoon of pure laziness filled with magazines, the Sunday paper and marathon of Toddlers and Tiarias. This show has become my new guilty pleasure.

My favorite is this little girl name Mackenzie. This child is a piece of work. My thing--you can't be a little diva with a pacifer in your mouth. I flipped the Super Bowl and that marathon. I am not a football fan so I tried not to fall asleep. The Glee episode was okay. I am not a Gleek but have friends who are so I promised them I would watch it. It was so-so.

Today is my partial day off. Tonight I have a meeting to cover. I am not looking forward to it. I brought a Dancing with the Stars dvd to work out to. I suck at it but it is so much fun trying to keep up with them. I think that is the whole point. Just get your butt up and move.

Daily Dose

1. Found my camcorder.

2. Might know this week if JJ is coming for spring break.

3. Met a real hero--a 22 year-old who rescued a man from a burning car.

Stopping ED from gaining

One of the hardest things I had to ever do was to explain my ED to my 11-year-old son. His father had talked to him about it, which I have...