Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Regaining my joy

I love my job. Where else can you watch kindergartners learn about the human body playing Operation, watch chicks hatch and learn about electricity. Being a reporter rocks! No matter how tired I am, little kids can give you such joy.

After a hectic but great weekend, I am slowly regaining myself. I saw my mom and son. In fact, I organized a play session with JJ, my mom and my nephew. It was great seeing them all together. Of course, the digital camcorder was working overtime.

The trip was a whirlwind and I need to rethink going down on weekends that I work.

There is still the issue of JJ and I. I knew when I had my last relapse that it would be held against me. But I also think it boils down to my husband being insecure. My husband and I are different people who do different things with JJ. I am the book reading, library going, park visiting mom who encourages him to draw and scribble. My husband takes him to the movies and they watch cartoons together.

This is a crazy week with stuff to cover during the day and evening. The weather is going to be soooo beautiful this weekend. A shame I will spend the weekend sleeping. I have actually fantasized about sleeping.

I have been debating the getting back on meds or not and just focusing on therapy. I am doing okay but can see myself slipping back into restricting when I am stressed or upset.

Daily Dose

1. I love my job.

2. Listening to the conversations between my son and my nephews. Four-year-olds are a trip.

3. Wig shopping with my mom. It could have been awkward but not with my mom. I have never laughed so hard in my life. Her new wig is named Sonata and she is quite sassy.

Friday, March 26, 2010

When the bad mood rolls in......

It is official. I am in a shitty mood. A lot of factors have contributed to it. But my wedding anniversary is tomorrow. This is a big part of it. I deliberately scrambled up the work weekends so I would on duty working.

Technically, we are married. I haven't felt married in months. For weeks, I have been planning for when JJ comes up here at the end of April. I found out last night that hubby might try to torpedo this. And a foul mood went completely shitty. For the first time in weeks, I skipped dinner and went straight to bed. I stared at the ceiling for hours before I finally fell asleep at 3:30 a.m. Today, I am grumpy and exhausted but I did eat breakfast. And I know I shouldn't have restricted. I was just sad mommy.

I couldn't talk to the hubby about the situation because JJ was within earshot. So this is where things stand. I am interested to see what the hubby's problem is. Right now, we both have very sick mothers. His mother is dying of lung cancer. I am trying to be nice but I'm not giving up that weekend. I have earned it. So I will keep you posted on the situation.

Daily Dose

1. I see my mom and son on Sunday.

2. I am tired but wearing a cute sweater.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

A beautiful day in the neighborhood

It is such a beautiful day. And I am so not feeling work today. When I was unemployed, my son and I would go to the park on days like this and run around like crazy folks. It is days like this that I miss him so much. I don't even like to drive past a park. I will see him this weekend so hopefully, we can get some park time in.

With my limited finances, I had to make a decision of how to starting working on my dental situation and being able to afford therapy and medication. The way my mouth looks affects me socializing and I have a very public job. So I think I will work on both the dental and mental a little at a time. You can't have one without the other.

Spring has arrived and with it comes festivals, marathons and other types of events. So when I am in RR and not working, I will have options.

Yesterday, I had to take pictures at a bad accident near the newspaper. It involved four vehicles. Everyone loved my pictures. I don't like crime and accidents. I have never been one for those type of stories because I alway feel like I am intruding on the worst moment of a person's life. You run a red light and flip a truck and damage three other vehicles. Do you really want to see some chick in a fluroscent green jacket with a camera? I know this comes with the job but I don't like it. At least no one was killed.

Daily Dose

1. I have developed an addiction to chicken fries.

2. Wearing a cute dress with my Mary Janes.

3. Thinking my LOST questions would be answered last night. I have even more. I am starting to get frustrated.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

The weather is so delightful

Spring is here and I love it. The time is coming for cute tops, skirts and dresses. I am looking so forward to spring and summer.

Today, I went for a long walk and just explored the area near where I live. I did my monthly evaluation of whether I should look for an apartment or a house to live in. I am still loving the motel life. So for now I take at the Brookwood. I need to clean but other things get in the way like work and socializing. Yes, I the anti-social reporter has been socializing.

Yesterday was a gorgeous day so I hung out with my co-worker D. She lives on the Lake and wanted to show me her world. And her world is beautiful. We went to the flea market where I found a viewmaster for my son and a puzzle he will love. We had lunch at the most electic resturant that is a combination of resturant and general store. It was a nice way to spend a Saturday--exploring and talking. She took me to a Garden Center that had the most awesome gift shop ever. Gift ideas galore.

The day inspired me to go grocery shopping. I made a chicken, pasta and brocoli dish. No recipe. I did it on instinct. It is the first time in a long time I cooked without a recipe and went on inspiration. Even though, I miss my mom and son. I think the best decision was moving to RR and taking this job. I can't wait to show JJ this place. He's going to love it.

My mom is doing better. She told she went outside yesterday and is sleeping less. I am so glad. I am worried about where they shot the radiation under her arm. Hopefully, it will heal without complication. My son is getting over his stomach virus. I will spare you the details he told me. When JJ is asked how his day or life is, he will tell you. I miss my sweet boy.

I wish I could have another day off but it is back to work tomorrow. Sometimes, I wish I could win the lottery and have weekends forever. Anyway, enjoy the rest of your weekend and may you have a happy Monday!

Daily Dose

1. Broccoli isn't that bad with pasta and a creamy sauce.

2. Watching the NCAA tournament. So far, Duke is hanging in there.

3. Reading the Sunday paper while eating outside. People watching should become the newest sport.

Friday, March 19, 2010

Happy Arbor Day


Today is Arbor Day. I know because I took pictures of some elementary students planting a tree. I am in such a good mood. It could because I think I have succcesfully fought off this cold. Or it is Friday and I can be absolutely lazy for the next two days. I have box of unopened Girl Scout Cookies, orange soda and tons of magazines. I foresee a good weekend. The weather is suppose to be awesome tomorrow so I hope to get into something outdoors. Don't know what and don't know when.

I found the coolest Mary Jane shoes at the Goodwill last weekend for $2.99. So my feet are happy. I took a picture of them to share. My mommy gave me money to buy something nice for myself so I those shoes. Whenever I look at them, I think of her and all of her awesomeness.

I am just so freaking happy. I had a great lunch with really nice people at the Arbor Day Celebration. So I am feeling good. Nothing will steal my joy today.

Daily Dose

1. Eating the best coleslaw ever. Ever!

2. Soaking up some sun after a very harsh winter. Well, harsh for around here.

3. My Mary Janes.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Healthy thinking makes a pretty healthy body

I am thisclose to finding a therapist. Therapist idol is going well but a few have admitted they don't really cover eating disorders. I hope to find someone as close as possible. I want to make sure I get the most bang for my buck. EDwise, things are going okay. The ED voice isn't as strong as it has been in the past. In fact, it is a whisper. I am not a breakfast person but I try to have something each morning. Some days, it's muffins, grits, ham biscuits or pizza. I decided that breakfast is my anything goes meal.

Lunch is usually eaten out with my co-workers or whatever microwavable meal in my desk. And usually two days out of the week, an event I am covering will involve food. I try to cook dinner. I don't have a kitchen in my room so I use an electric skillet and my microwave to get the job done. All in all, I am doing decent. I have tried meal plans but I find it puts too much pressure on me. If I pick the times I plan to eat--6:30 a.m., noon and 6:30 p.m. along with snack breaks, things go well.

Now sometimes my job gets in the way of mealtimes but I either eat a large snack before working and then the meal soon after. My goals are not to skip meals and to maintain my weight.

It is nice to go shopping in the women's section. Ten years ago, I was shopping the girl's section and wearing a size 18. I am 5" 2 so you can imagine how I must have looked. And back then, there were no mirrors around. Today, I can look in the mirror without flinching or cursing myself. I've come a long but I still have a ways to go.

Daily Dose

1. Realizing my style has evolved.

2. Tonight is LOST.

3. Finding the cutest pair of heels.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Home is Where the Heart Is

It has been a whirlwind of a weekend. I spent time with my mom this weekend. She has lost weight, has no appetite and sleeps a lot. She loved seeing her name on the front of newspaper along with the ad inside. She thought it was very sweet especially when she found out it was printed on 15,000 newspapers.

The visit was bittersweet. My dad and brother are in various degrees of denial. My dad thinks if my mom would stop sleeping so much and move around, she would get better. And brother thinks all of this is just a minor hiccup and she will be back at work by summer. I am the only one looking at this realistically. She will never work again. Instead of stressing, I will take it day by day like my mom does and believe in a higher power.

I hate seeing her in pain. It scares me that this maybe her last birthday. I don't want to lose my mommy but I don't want to see her in pain. My grandmother died of bone cancer in 1998. I bet my mom struggled with the same feelings.

I am so used to us tooling around Rock Vegas together. We go to grocery stores and consignment shops. We visit family. This was the first visit where we didn't do this. She gave me a list of errands divided by stores and items. I shopped while she slept. Once I got back, we ate chicken rice made by my aunt Em and watched a Sister, Sister marathon. All in all, a pretty decent weekend.

Daily Dose

1. My aunt's chicken and rice is delicious.

2. Seeing my mom happy.

3. Watching one of my favorite movies, A Time to Kill.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Following the yellow brick road of recovery

A longtime I made an uneasy peace with the fact that I would probably always have an ED and possible lead to my demise. In the past year and half, I haven't felt this way. I can actually see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Today, the light seemed a little closer. I went to lunch with two people I have never eaten with and am on casual terms with. Normally for me, food is something for surival not pleasure. I am slowly becoming not a foodie but appreciating food a little more than just fuel for the body. Anyway, I had a chicken salad sandwich with a cup of tortilla soup. The sandwich was great but the soup was awful. I realized today I can distinguish what is good and bad beyond my ED. It's a big moment because I am getting more comfortable with food. Right now, I am in the midst of therapist idol. I have gotten it narrowed down to three therapist.

Today was a pretty good day for Silly Girl.

Daily Dose

1. I found $10 on the sidewalk but ended up giving it to this disheveled guy, who looked like he needed it more. I just walked up and said, "You dropped this sir." And then walked away.

2. Attended a Spirit Rally.

3. Had some more ice cream cake.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

It was a good day to wear pink and high heels

Today was a really good day. I visited a lot of folks on my beat and did an interview in a boat making plant wearing high heels. The town that this plant is in has a population of 800 people. And these boats they make are sent all over the world and United States. It was soooo cool to see them being made.

The rest of the day has been spent learning about shad fishing and turkey hunting. I love how no day is the same for a reporter. Variety is the spice of life.


I had the best pizza for lunch from a convenience store. It was nice. Today, ED took a hike for awhile. It was really nice. So nice I was invited to dinner and am 90 percent sure I will go.

Hopefully, my mom got Tuesday's paper and has seen the ad for her birthday and her name at the top of the paper. My son is getting better. It takes a lot to keep JJ down but he's loves having control of the remote when he is sick.

All in all, a good day filled with being productive and some really good pizza and cake. Two of my co-workers had birthdays today so there are plenty of cupcakes and ice cream cake left for the taking. I do believe I shall take. It's a Dairy Queen chocolate ice cream cake.

Daily Dose

1. Being able to see how a boat is made from start to finish.

2. Soaking in the sun on a beautiful day.

3. In a few days, I will see my son and my mom.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Good news

You are reading the words of the February employee of the month at my newspaper. I can't believe it. I have never been one before so I was surprised.

I got a call early this morning. My son was being rushed to the er after throwing up most of the night. He has stomach virus. I talked with him while he was at the er. My son amazes me with wit and insight. He gets that from his mommy. He told about them putting an IV in his arm to give him water. "Mommy, I didn't like that but I was a big boy." I told him that I was proud of him. After they released him and gave him the anti nausea drug.

My mom started her chemo today. She said it is her birthday and she's still alive so what's there to be sad about. I love her courage and grit. I am looking forward to this weekend.

I thinking about doing some community service type work. Maybe with Habitat for Humanity or volunteering at a nursing home. Even though things are crazy in my life, they could be a whole lot worse. So I want to give back somehow. I just haven't figured out how yet.

Daily Dose

1. It is going to be in the 70s this week. I love good weather. I am planning to wear this cute pink sweater set tomorrow with my peek-a-boo high heels.

2. Being able to talk NASCAR with the sports guys. It is the only sport I talk with them about.

3. I am the employee of the month.

2.

Monday, March 8, 2010

Having a great day off

This morning I got up and decided not to spent my day off watching daytime tv. I headed to Pickle Land to see my friends and pick up any wayward newspapers along the way. I made a quick stop at Goodwill and Books-A-Million.

I had lunch at the Hibachi Grill with a friend who is also a reporter. Then I found my one of my favorite consignment shops closed. Talked to a sick friend and visited another sick friend. Went to my favorite library where I checked out some books on tape so I can have something to listen when I back and forth on I-95. Had an early dinner at my favorite Mexican restaurant and shot some video of the building I worked at for six years. In a few weeks the building will be torn down and turned into a car lot.

Finally, I capped off my day of visiting with a visit to one of closest friends. All in all, I had a great day. It will help me get through this crazy week. Tomorrow is my mom's birthday and she will be getting b-day surprises all week.

Throughout today, I didn't stressed about eating. I just went with it.

Daily Dose

1. Being surrounded around books in Books-a-Million. I miss this store so much.

2. Eating a taco salad from El Matzalan.

3. Spending time with my friends

Saturday, March 6, 2010

Friday night at the theater

Last night for the first time in years, I went to a theatre and watched the musical Bye Bye Birdie. I had a good time and lots of laughs. It was nice just to forget about my life for a few hours.

Things looked sad for my mom. Her test revealed spots of cancer in her lungs and liver. So Tuesday, on her birthday, she starts chemo. She was more upset about her surgery being delayed once again. I can understand this. She is quite a trouper.

This is my weekend to work. Today has been insanely busy with me arriving at 6 a.m. to write two stories. Then off to edge of the world to do interviews at community center being opened there, fielding calls from angry folks about a school issue, covering a health fair, writing two more stories and proofing pages. After the health fair, I made time to get a chicken sandwich from Hardees. It was huge and it was good. As I write this, I have downloading photos and preparing to cover an American Idol type event later this evening. And then maybe there will be some rest for the a weary Silly Girl. I would love to say I have Sunday and Monday off, which I do but I have to work on stuff for Tuesday's paper. But I will get some R&R somehow.

Overall, I am doing okay. I am working on the work/play balance.

Daily Dose

1. Chocolate is so great when you're tired.

2. Finding the coolest bag for $10.

3. Having supportive friends (this includes those reading this!!!!)

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Waiting

I am waiting anxiously to hear about my mother's test results. While waiting, I have written three stories, interviewed a farmer, had leftover chili and took almost a two hour nap.

So I wait. She also had radiation today. My newspaper allows us to have one free small ad in the newspaper each year. So in addition to having her name at the top of the newspaper, she will have a happy birthday ad from JJ and I. It's nice to have a little bit of power.

I admit that I am no where near being recovered. But I refuse to let ED take over. It is nice to go in the grocery store without having an anxiety attack or grab things at the front of the store. I am slowly regaining my love of cooking and going out to eat. I guess I am appreciating the life I have. And I am tired of squandering it. It's not fair to myself, my son and especially for my mother who is fighting for her life. You only get one life so it is important to make it count. And I planned to just that. So tomorrow, I am going to see the musical Bye Bye Birdie with friends and co-workers. I am not a musical person but will keep an open mind.

Daily Dose

1. I can talk about the ins and outs of growing cotton.

2. Leftover homemade chili taste better the second day.

3. Knowing that mean people get theirs in the end.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

It's Tuesday which means I get to be LOST

Earlier this evening, it snowed. Again. I love snow as much as the next person but this has got to stop. My co-workers are beginning to think maybe I brought the snow with me.

After working some heinous hours yesterday, I get to unwind. This is great because I am tired. These antibiotics are kicking my butt. But they are working and I don't have MRSA.

Today, my partner in crime and I went to this barbecue restaurant for lunch. I hate barbecue. To me, it looks like someone regurgitated on your plate. But the fried chicken, sweet peas, mash potatoes and gravy were great. And so were the hush puppies. A very good lunch. A lunch I didn't stress about. A lunch full of good conversation. There is hope for me after all. My mother's birthday is in one week. I am not sure what to get her. She is in good spirits. I think it is because the radiation is almost over and so she will have surgery. She explained why they did the radiation. The spot where the bones broke had cancer in them. I knew it and I am glad to hear her say it out loud. On Thursday, she gets her other test results back. And for once, I'm not worried or stress. What will happen will happen.

Back to her birthday. I think we will take a mini road trip. Maybe hit some thrift stores and go to the fish camp she likes. We'll figure out something.

Daily Dose

1. hush puppies

2. chocolate donuts

3. LOST

Stopping ED from gaining

One of the hardest things I had to ever do was to explain my ED to my 11-year-old son. His father had talked to him about it, which I have...