Thursday, April 30, 2009

Day by day


I wanted to say thanks to all of you for your comments about my last post. Your words meant a lot to me.

I just had my second therapy session with Dr. Isla. I now know that I made the right decision by picking up. She is very good and what I need in an eating disorder specialist. She is worth every penny and headache that is Charlotte traffic.

Before therapy, my husband and I met for lunch at a Chinese restaurant. We talked about his mother, our marriage, our son and stuff in between. He told that I looked really good today in my red shirt and jeans. "I really like those jeans. They confirm that you have your cute little butt back." It was good to hear that. Lunch was great. I had broccoli and chicken. He had sushi. It was just nice to be able to talk. He told me that he already knew about his mother having cancer but hearing from her didn't make it easy. Overall, he says he is handling it well. He knows her is mind is made up about not having any treatment and he accepts this. His job, he said, is to make her life easier and to keep those (my father-in-law and some other relatives) who don't agree with her decision quiet. He told me that he was glad that I was getting healthier and able to handle things better because in the months and years to come--he would really need me. And I told him I would be there.

After therapy, I stop at the consignment shop where my husband had brought me a dress and shoes for our anniversary. I was curious to see what the store had. The store is awesome. I'm a lucky girl that my hubby has good taste because the store has tons of bags, shoes and dresses at great prices. I talk with the owner, who remembered my husband. She said he had come to the store a lot to look at different things. He always said he would buy something once his wife got healthy. She told me that the day he brought my dress--he was so happy. He told her that his wife was on the road to recovery. She asked me had I been sick. I told her about my ED. She said he really loves you because he was so determined to buy the right dress. At times, my hubby can be difficult but I know he loves me and just wants me to recover.

Daily Dose

1. Dr. Isla--I feel very at ease with her.
2. The designer of my boot cut Gap jeans--They give me a nice figure.

Some days are too good to be true

Yesterday was a good day. I kicked ass on the phone interview. So well that I have a follow up conference call on Monday afternoon with the editor and managing editor. I won honorable mention in an essay contest for a magazine in Raleigh. My ED didn't bother me at all. I ate without those thoughts pestering. I had the best afternoon ever with my son. We went to the library and picked out books and movies. While walking through the library, we discussed life as only life can be discussed by a three-year-old. One question--why is the incredible hulk green and angry?

Afterwards, we went to a thrift shop that supports the local hospice. This is where we hit the jackpot. My son loves putting puzzles together. I found a Bible storybook of puzzles for a $1 and it was brand new. And then we found a bag of dinosaurs for a $1.50. I was told that I was the best mommy ever. Then we sat on the bench and played with the dinosaurs. I got to be the T-Rex. Usually, I get the weird named ones. We had so much fun.

Then the other shoe dropped. I found out that my mother-in-law has lung cancer. She said she has known for a long time. Now, she is telling her family. She does not plan to have any treatments or surgery. My father-in-law is not happy with her decision. She said she wants to enjoy the rest of her life. I have applied for a job that will be three and half hours from her. I told her that I would call the newspaper today and tell them I am withdrawing. She told me that if I did that she would never speak to me again. "I have known a long time that I am sick. When you first told me about the job, I gave you my blessing. It is obvious that you have a gift with writing and there are no jobs around here. You would be going back to familar territory with health insurance. I want you to recover from your eating disorder. Insurance means you can go back to Chapel Hill. You have a good chance of getting this job. Don't whole back on my account."
What do you say when someone tells you that. After talking with my husband and sister-in-law, who both agreed with her, I will keep going. My son is right, she is the best woman ever.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Bah humbug to littering!!!!


I hate litterbugs. Especially the person who had a huge box full of trash fall off of their truck and onto my property. My husband thinks the state of North Carolina should move it. With the budget cuts that the state is having, my son will be in kindergarten before that box is moved. So I put on my work boots and moved it. I am not much of a yard person but I like for the outside of my home to look neat and cared for. So I am not thrilled with people who litter especially the one who throw a empty bottle out of his window while I was picking up the trash. Sorry but I just needed to vent.

My phone interview is at 3 p.m. today. I am nervous but I think I will do well. Even though, my husband has started his census job--he lingered around this morning so I could talk. I have been in this position before with a job. I get my hopes up and don't get it. So I am cautiously optimistic. JJ is with my in-laws while I do the interview. They have to make a trip to Wal-Mart. Iron Man couldn't have kept him from that trip. My son is a Wal-Mart lover at 3 p.m. He knows most of the greeters. "I have to see my people, Mommy," he said. While I was up, I had some leftover chicken from dinner on the porch. I haven't seen my son's cat since I returned home Sunday. Neither has my husband. There are wild dogs in the area, construction and lots of traffic, I hope Hilbert is okay. I miss our morning porch chats.

For dinner, last night I had chicken wraps. In addition, to the wraps, my husband ate all the leftovers. We watched American Idol. My prediction is that Matt will go home. Danny and Adam did a great job. Those two will be in the finale. I am still amazed that my husband has gotten into the show. Not complaining because I love it's something that has brought us closer.

Daily Dose

1. Be able to buy the newspaper everyday. Got to have my news.
2. Supportive in-laws

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Good news

Yesterday was a loooong but good day. My son had appointment with a neurologist in Chapel Hill. It was nice to have a doctor to talk to us, not at us or ignore what we (the ones who witnessed his seizures have seen). Dr. T was great. After listening to JJ's history, looking at the MRI (which was good) and having JJ do some tests. For right now, he does not think that JJ needs to be on seizure meds. Thank God!! Dr. T is in the process of getting JJ's records from the other neurologist so he can look at the results of the sleep deprived EEG. JJ may have to do another EEG. Dr. T thinks JJ might be one of rare group of kids who have febrile seizures after they are two. Febrile seizures, while scary to the parents and loved ones witnessing them, are okay. I could have kissed that man. My mother-in-law and sister-in-law went with me to Chapel Hill. James still has census training. I also believe the visit was such a successful because my husband wasn't there. At times, he can be very brutual on doctors. When I was pregnant, there six doctors in the practice--only one could stand to be around James. He was one the who delivered our son.

Meals were interesting yesterday. Breakfast was a ham biscuit and orange juice. Lunch at the hospital was baked chicken with mashed potatoes with gravy and a side of macaroni and cheese. I am trying to be more nutritious. After lunch, my sister-in-law wanted to go the huge mall in Durham. I told her I would wait in the car. So she, my son and her mother-in-law went in. Three hours later,a few calls to friends and family and reading half a book--I went to find them. My sister-in-law forgot to mention that one of her friends was meeting her at the small. We got to the mall at 2 p.m., we left at 7:15 p.m. So I had dinner at Chick-Filet. Love their nuggets and lemonade. JJ and I had ice cream.

But while waiting, there was some good news. The managing editor of the promising job prospect called. He did a preliminary interview. We will have a longer interview, by phone, on Wednesday at 3 p.m. I am beyond happy but remaining realistic. So yesterday was a good but long day. I made it home about 10:30. My husband was thoughtful enough to record Gossip Girl for me without me remaining him.

Daily Dose

1. My baby is going to be okay. Jungle gym, here we come.

2. Soon, I may have a job with benefits. I miss health insurance.

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Chicken on a stick


Chicken on a stick rocks!!!!! I love it. It was so worth the wait. I had one and split another with a friend. The festival was nice. It was weird not having to take pictures or write a story about it. I lived worked at the newspaper in Pickle Land for almost seven years. I was amazed at how many folks remembered me. I had a nice time even though it was little warm. One of my friends is a published author and had a booth at the event. Her booth was beside the newspaper where I used to work. The anger and bitterness is gone about the whole incident. It has been replaced by pity. I pity the newspaper itself. It was a damn good paper for more than 100 years and it took being brought by a bad man to turn into a sad little weekly.


In life, I think we all should work at really great place with really great people and do really great things. At the newspaper I used to work at, we did that. We were a small paper but we rocked. We consistently beat the daily paper, covered our area well and had a great time doing. Where else in the world would I have been allowed to have a cubicle that was shrine to James Dean and Curious George. We were an eclectic group of people brought together by fate. If I ever win the lottery, I will buy the paper and hire each person back to restore the paper's reputation.

Friday, April 24, 2009

An absolutely lovely day!!!


Wow, where to begin. I have had a great visit here in Pickle Land. It started today with breakfast at McDonald's and the morning paper. Then to Goldsboro to see some folks. Went to Beulaville two of my favorite consignment shops. No clothes but I brought the book, the Devil Wears Prada and a lime green photo album. I have found you can never have to many frames or photo albums.

After a quick lunch at Hardees of a chili dog and fries. Back to Pickle Land, where I stopped at another consignment shop where a brought a bunch of nice shirts. Then I went to my former place of employment--T. It was nice seeing one of the people. After the paper was sold last year, there are very few former people. But the office manager is still there and is really nice person. I know she must be miserable but realizes in this economy that a job is a job. It was nice visit.

Today was day of catching up with old friends. My next stop was a visit a former colleague and friend who taught me so much about the journalism. I think I am a better reporter because of him and my former editor. I learned that people are key in community journalism. It was nice seeing N. He has been sick and I worry about him because he is in his mid-sixties with no wife or children. All of us former T folks check in on him to make sure he's okay.

After a few hours with N, I was off to the annual booksale at the Library. Some of my best book finds have been at those sales. I got a ton of books for $20 plus two huge bags of Yoga magazines.

Earlier in the day, it had been decided a group of us former T folks were going to meet at Hibatchi Grill in Goldsboro. Since I spent almost two hours at the book sale. I went to my former editor's house to catch up and get a ride to the restaurant. Dinner was great. It was buffet but I was up to the challenge. I ate mostly broccoli and chicken. It was nice seeing and talking to my friends.

Now I am finally back at Dream Diva's where I'm writing this and watching Ghost Whisperer. It has been a loooong but productive day.

Daily Dose

1. Consignment stores and library book sales rock!
2. Reminiscing with old friends

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Returning Home


I am here in Pickle Land so much has changed but so much has stayed the same. This is a picture of me and my guys. Not many pictures were taken of me in the past year. And I'm glad. But I am proud of this one because I am healthy, happy and with my guys.


I am staying with Dream Diva in her home. She has mad decorating skills because her home looks like some out a decorating magazine. Tomorrow, I am going to a consignment shop that i have missed since going.

On the job front--I am one of 160 applicants for the job. People as far away as San Diego have applied. I have a slight edge--I know the area and my former boss works for the paper. So I'm keeping my fingers crossed and saying my prayers. I am glad I am in recovery. I can appreciate things more. I stopped at Chick Filet for an eight piece nuggets meal with fries and a medium lemonade. The chili dog could wait. It was delicious. So far, I am having a great time. Just finished watching Harper's Island. I am challenging myself a lot this weekend. I will eat with others. I will socialize. I will get dress in front of a mirror. I will shake up my routine. And I will enjoy myself and not listen to my ED. Only one more day until chicken on a stick. I am salivating just thinking about it. Maybe, I'll get two.

Daily Dose

1. Chick Filet. I love the chicken salad.
2. Dream Diva. A really great friend

On the road


Today has been a bittersweet day. I had to go to Chapel Hill and say goodbye to my therapist and sign some paperwork. I will miss her. Besides her, I have only had one other therapist who made me feel comfortable but accountable for my ED. I like that. I will miss her but if I get the job then i can get back in the program. Right now, I am taking a break to eat a chili dog, fries and a Pepsi while waiting for the traffic to die down. I am headed for Pickle Land. I will be there for about three days. I have missed my friends and that crazy town.

I am in a better place to visit. I will be staying with my friend, Dream Diva and her crowd. So it will be an interesting weekend. I miss being on the road and collecting newspapers and various experiences. Also as a treat, the picture you see posted is my little drummer boy, JJ. I love this picture because he was trying to teach mommy how to play the drums. So here's to a great weekend with lots of catching up, memory making and good food. The Pickle Festival has the best chicken on a stick.

Forgot my daily dose:
1--Good friends
2--Getting healthy

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Busy Busy

I am trying to get everything done before I leave for Pickle Land tomorrow. My son and I took a roll of film so I dropped it off to be developed. I am interested to see how his pictures turned out. He loves taking pictures especially of me. I am not good with mirrors and photos of myself but I did it for him. Hopefully, the pictures turn out okay and I can put some on the site.

We got him some basic generic video system with games for beginners. We played some yesterday. He loves the racing game especially crashing the motorbike. So far, today has been a fairly good day. I had a grill cheese for breakfast before I cut a little grass. I am leaving the rest for next week. I get tons of magazines in the mail so I wanted to make sure a path was cut for the mail lady. Plus, my husband killed a huge snack last week. Last summer, my son and I encountered a snake in our long driveway while walking to the mailbox. Do you know that snake reared its head at us. Needless to say, I picked my son up and ran screaming to the house. Not looking forward to all the snakes and mosquitos. My policy on snakes--if you don't mess with me, I won't kill you. But if I find you on the deck or messing with the cat, then we have a problem.

I am packed and ready to go. I straightened up the house some so I wouldn't come home to a dirty house. My husband has census training for the rest of the week and my son will be with my sis-in-law so the house should be fairly clean. Looking forward to my trip. Don't really have a set agenda in mind. Just going to see my friends and have a good time.

Tomorrow, I head to Chapel Hill to wrap things up with my therapist there. I will miss her but if I get the job then I am going back there for treatment. I had thought about taking her up on the offer of the free treatment but my unemployment benefits were cut some so I will focus on my treatment closer to home. But I will miss her. It was nice to be understood and for someone to really help me with recover. I think Isla will do a good job. Well, gotta get back to my to-do list. I am headed to a late lunch at Subway. I think I will eat outside. It's a really pretty day.

Daily Dose:

1. My mom is doing great.

2. Hilbert left a present (a dead bird) for me at the back door. I guess it is her way of thanking me for feeding her.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Me in a Few Words

I got this questions from the latest issue of Instyle Magazine. I get a lot of fashion ideas from this magazines.

Favorite accessory--my wedding ring
What do I wear when I'm down--a pair of camo shirts and pink shirt
What do I wear when I feel pretty--anything green with a pair of heels
When's it raining--my brown Sketcher boots
What do I sleep in--Curious george pajamas
Favorite handbag--a cool Kate Spade bag that I found in consignment shop for $12. It is worth $300.
Jeans--a pair from the old navy that feel like heaven
Worst fashion moment--overalls
Three places I'd rather be--with my son, a library or writing
Favorite thing--My son's laugh
Celebrity crush--Vin Diesel. He could just stand there and look gorgeous.
Favorite color--green
Drink--orange soda
Food--chicken salad
Dream/goal--to become a librarian
Dream last night--Riding the carousel at the mall in Fayetteville, NC with my son
My fear--succumbing to the whispers of Ana
On my wish list--a digital camera
My computer--my lifeline
My life--evolving
My mood--upbeat
Last time laughed--20 minutes ago when my husband told me a funny story

Another day, another day


I am feeling much better than yesterday. I still have my good and bad days. There are fewer bad days. I was so tempted to take to the bed yesterday. Instead, after some homemade quesadillas and tomato soup, I went through the task of separating my clothes. Putting up the winter clothes, taking out the summer clothes and preparing the donation pile. I hit shuffle on computer for my music. I had a nice time. I am quite the clothes horse. My closet is now organized and if I get the new job, it will be easier to pack.

I am looking forward to this weekend. Even though, it has been awhile since I was around people on a constant basis. I am working on not being so isolated so I am taking toddler steps. This weekend is a big step. I found out yesterday that my mother-in-law has pneumonia and my father-in-law had heart monitor put on. They are really great people. My sister-in-law will take care of my son while i am away.

I can't wait until we know for certain about my son's medical condition. My husband is being so cautious now that I waiting for him to wrap JJ in bubble wrap. I am ready to take him to the park, go to storytime and visit folks. I am being patient until after the second opinion. Still no word on the job front. My father-in-law suggested I go work for McDonald's. I have no problem with working at a fast food place. But both my therapists and nutritionist agreed that it is not what I need now. So I have 15 weeks to find a job. Trying not to stress but take it one day at at time and one job search at a time. So all in all, I doing okay.

Daily dose
1. My mother-in-law rocks!!! I hit the jackpot in in-laws.
2. Gossip Girl is one the best guilty pleasures.
Bonus--Hilbert the cat.

Monday, April 20, 2009

A Monday kind of day

I woke up today just wanting to be alone and staying in bed. Thank god, we don't have internet at home. Otherwise, I would have no reason to leave the house. I'm at the library. I am doing the usual job search and unemployment filing. I just don't feel like dealing with people. So I am just going to try as hard as I can. I had a conversation with the librarian so at least I am not being to anti-social.

This weekend has been nice and sunny. Yesterday, I covered a lecture for the newspaper. It was nice being a reporter even for a few hours. Finished a great book while the boys were watching cartoons. My husband wants to get a X-box for our son. My husband has no interest in video games so I guess I will be X-box mommy.


For the next few days, my husband will be in training for a census job so a little more money will be coming in. I so hope I get this job. I guess that is why I am down. I have gotten my hopes up for several jobs since I became unemployed. Some days, it is hard to stay up and determined. When you are unemployed, everyday feels like a weekend. I help out friends and family by cleaning up or running errands for them. But what I really want is a job. With benefits. Days like this really affect my eating. So far, the only thing I have eaten was a bowl of cereal and two chocolate donuts. And it was hard convincing myself to eat. Plus, I have been hitting the orange soda pretty hard. I am glad I have this blog as an outlet. I am ready to work. Several fast food joints are hiring in the area. I am not above working at a fast food place for money. Bills have got to be paid. But being around food for eight hours a day is not what I need right now. So I am going to keep looking and hoping that I will get the JOB that I have want so bad.

Daily dose of gratitude:
1--I woke up this morning. Glad to be alive and kicking.
2--My hair seems to be growing back. In the past year due to my ED, I have shed a lot of hair. It used to be pass my shoulders but now is a bob length. It's cute.

Friday, April 17, 2009

Retail therapy is the best


Even though, money has been tight. My husband gave me some money last night to buy some clothes. He has watched the donation box fill up. So he told me to treat myself to something nice. And I did. I went to a niiiiiiiice Goodwill store. I tried on 20 pairs of jeans and pants. I brought four pairs that look sweet on me. A nice top and a book. Then I went to this consignment shop called Plato's Closet and brought the bag I have been visiting for three months. At times, I have no clue what my husband is thinking but I know he cares. He knows I have a little stress about gaining weight and not being able to fit in my clothes. He nicely rreminds me that the most of the clothes I have were from the girl's section. All in all, it's been a nice day. Had my favorite breakfast. Lunch at Wendy's with a milkshake for dessert. Went shopping, looked in the mirror and didn't freak out. This is what the road to recovery looks like.

I have decided to go to the Pickle Festival next weekend. This means I will be going home. I loved in the MO area for almost eight years. Being up there felt more at home than where I grew up. So MO will always be home. Who knows. Maybe, I will be moving back there soon. As my son would say--maybe. Next weekend will be interesting. I am used to eating alone. One of my goals is to feel more at ease with eating with others or a group. So I'll see how it goes.

A U2 kind of day

My day started early. I had to interview the assistant superintendent for a story about summer school. I arrived on time but he was in a meeting and his secretary wasn't sure when it would be done. So I told her I would come back later. The super and I miss each other by minutes. By the time his secretary got me, I was in line at McDonald's getting ready to order a sausage biscuit and gravy. I love those with a passion. So I had to make a decision--breakfast or the interview. I chose breakfast and told the secretary that I would return in a hour. In the past, I would have chose the story over food. I wanted the biscuit and gravy and the town where the super was located didn't have a McDonald's. It feels good to make a good decision.

My husband and I left at the same time. We both were tired. He came home late and we stayed up talking. He told I looked really good today. Quote--"You look good and healthy." I glanced at myself reflection before going in for the super interview and thought--"I do look good." No stressing, no anxiety just complimenting myself. Wow, I have come a long way. This weekend, I need to go buy some more jeans and shorts. All of my shorts from last year are in girls' sizes. And most of my jeans are size 0 or 1. My therapist told me to bite the bullet and go shopping. And donate the clothes that don't fit to charity. I knew what she was getting at. If I keep the clothes, I will be tempted to restrict or quit eating. This is happen a lot in the past.

Also one of my favorite authors Melissa Marr will soon have a new book out. I like reading young adult books at times because most are very well written. And Melissa Marr rocks!! I own all of her books. And if I maintain my weight, I am getting this book.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Meeting the new therapist

Today, I met with my new therapist. It was a journey getting there. It started with my husband and I's cellphones not working this morning. I hate my cell phone provider. Once that was cleared, it was off to the unemployment office. I am eligible for 15 more weeks. Yay! This gives me much motivation to find a job. Hopefully, my main prospect will come through. After this, I went by the library and found a ton of new magazines for sale for 25 cents each. It was magazine junkie's dream.

Next, it was an almost hour long drive to the new therapist. Thank god for mapquest. For the purposes of this blog, we will call her Isla. She is very nice. Today, she asked questions about my ED and I. After the session, she noted that I have been through a lot for one person in a span of a year. She was amazed by the fact that I have went from 75 to 109.7 lbs. She asked me for an assessment of myself. I told her that I have come a looooong but has a ways to go. I still have some restricting issues, don't like to eat breakfast, have body image issues and still want to isolate myself from the world. And that for every two good days, there is a bad day lurking.

Her price was reasonable. My hubby gave the me the money so for now Isla is the one. But if I get this job, I will be moving and I will go back to UNC-Chapel Hill. But I am pleased with Isla. We decided we would meet every two weeks. It is all we can afford right now. I realize i have come a long way. A year ago, I wouldn't have admitted to anyone that i have an ED. Each day is a struggle but I feel I am up to the challenge. Last year at this time, I dreaded spring and pretty weather. I knew JJ would want to play and physically I was not up to it. Now--bring on the Spiderman soccer ball and the jungle gym because Mama is ready to play!!!!!!!.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Splitting the screen!


Right now, I am writing on one side of the screen and my son is watching Sonic X. I had a great afternoon. Got to do a little journalism and hit the mother lode at the library. Oh and my husband ate the steak from this morning.

After a great interview, I stop at one of my many libraries to check in with my people. In the books for sale bin, I found the John Grisham book for a $1. A $1. I am still on cloud nine. Also found some old Paula Deen (2007) magazines. I took all I could find. Then I stopped in at the Hospice Thrift store and found some children's books for my son. So all in all, it's been an excellent day. Then onto the sandwich shop, where I got half a chicken salad sandwich and a bowl of veggie soup. It was excellent. I so love it when a day is so nice. And now I am with my favorite little guy watching one of his favorite shows. He has a dinosaur memory game that he loves. I can't wait until we can play Candy Land and Hi Ho Cheero! Of course, park season is about to begin. I am so glad that I am healthier. It was rough last year playing in the park, playing soccer and just keeping up with him in general.

Interesting day so far

True story--I left home this morning with every intention of recertifing with the unemployment office. As I left, farmer that owns the huge field next to our house was cutting down trees that belong to us. When I drove off, my husband was gesturing rather wildly to the guy on the backhoe. I get to the office, wait in line and am about to tell the lady my social security number when I get a phone call from my sister-in-law. You need to go home, she said, because your husband is locked out of the house. He had accidentally locked himself out. So I grumbled as I walked to the car because I had plan to treat myself to lunch before I had to interview someone for a story at 2 p.m. Then all of sudden, I remembered that my husband had put two frozen steaks on the George Foreman grill. I sped home as fast I could. I was 15 minutes away. The steak were burned to a crisp but our home was still intact. Moral of story--If you are going to yell at someone, make sure that you have no food cooking and you don't locked the door.

So, I guess tomorrow before my first appointment with the possible new therapist, I'll go back to the unemployment office. I am at a crossroads. The possible job prospect would put in closer to UNC Chapel Hill and their eating disorder program. Not only do I want this job because of the great insurance and benefits but I want to stay in that program. So its a big decision to make.

So after arriving home, I had a quick snack of fish sticks and macaroni and cheese. I love this combination especially with the right mac and cheese. For dessert, peanut butter and Ritz crackers while discussing stuff with my husband. He, by the way, ate the charred steaks. He'll eat just about anything. My son is staying with my sister-in-law this week, his drums are there and he wants to play. Plus a few playdates are set up there. He's happy so I'm happy. Still got to figure out what I want for lunch. There is a cute little sandwich near where my interview will take place. I think I will see what their chicken salad sandwich is like. I see myself as somewhat of a connoisseir of chicken salad.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Being productive!!!


Yesterday, I called 14 eating disorder specialists in this area. I have talked with 10. One in particular stands out. Plus, the study folks called this morning and said they were so impressed with the progress I am making that they would be willing to allow me to stay in the program free or at a reduced rate. What's a girl to do when so many want to help. I made an appointment to meet with JE, the possible new therapist. We talked for about 30 minutes on the phone and I felt very comfortable with her and she dropped her rate per hour significantly for me. Plus my therapist at Chapel Hill has spoke highly of her. I feel very hopeful in the direction things are headed.

My husband and I talked. He is willing to pay for me to go somewhere nearby. He didn't comment on the Chapel Hill too much. Probably because I mentioned their concern with him possibly backing out on the new therapist. When things are so out of control and disordered, I have no appetite but I had some garlic toast for a breakfast snack and a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch. I am leaning toward a chili dog and fries when I'm done blogging. Today is not an organized eating day. I think I might have a really good prospect for a job but I think I will keep this quiet. I don't want to get my hopes or others up.

Had plan to go to the park with JJ but it is now raining cats and dogs along with thunder and lightning so we'll just color in my Curious George coloring book. Yes, I love to color. And my son loves to color with me. George never looked quite so orange. And then we'll watch some Word Girl and Martha Speaks. I tell you PBS rocks. My son has expanded his vocabulary thanks to those shows. Oh my, big sound of thunder, I better get off here before I get hurt.

Monday, April 13, 2009

Just another Manic Monday!!!!


It's Monday again. I have filed for unemployment. But today is different because in about 30 minutes, I got to recertify for unemployment and find out how much I have left. I am not looking forward to this. I have spent most of the morning on the phone calling various eating disorder specialists. Since today is considered a holiday by most, I have left a ton of messages. I called my therapist with the study and told her that we were done. She said they are going to do all they can to find someone in this area for me. She commended on how well I have done.

I can honestly say that I did my best. And it was an honor to be in one of the best eating disorder programs in the nation. Even though, I am a little bummed about leaving the program--I know that I did my best. For breakfast, I had some garlic toast with cheese. I wasn't really in the mood to eat so I had to eat something.

I have some pretty promising job leads and I think I am going to join a support group for the jobless. I need to start socializing more. By Wednesday, I hope to make a decision about the Pickle Festival. Maybe a change of scenery will do me some good.

Yesterday, my husband cooked a big meal for his family. I opted out because I just didn't feel like being with them. Instead I grilled some cheeseburgers for Hilbert and I. (Hilbert, whose burger was plain, is my son's cat and I'm fond of the little cat too.) I had seasoned fries, green peas and chocolate donuts for the dessert. And I didn't feel bad after eating so yesterday was a good day. At least for the cat and I.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

A new day


I don't know if it is going to rain or just look like it all day. I did a lot of research yesterday on ED specialists in my neck of the woods. My husband has decided that he would rather pay than get the services for free. He thinks it will be cheaper to go to Charlotte than Chapel Hill--gas and timewise.

I was upfront with him that he is looking at anywhere from $50 (on cheap side) to easily $200 an hour. I let him know that there can be no backing out. I have commitment to a level of treatment for my recovery so I want to stay on track. He agreed that we would find treatment for me. I'll keep you posted on the search for treatment. Today is one of those days where there is no set schedule. I am working on the alphabet with my son. He knows it with the exception of a few letters out of place. Of course, his favorite letter is J. I think my husband wants to go grocery shopping. He and my son take forever in the store. Once, he took so long that I finished half of a 600 page book.

Overall, I feel pretty good today. I just have to take one day at a time and see where it takes me. One of my friends gave me a gratitude journal to write in each day. Since I have already started one, I just put my gratitude in this blog and my regular journal. I will call it my Daily Dose.

Daily Dose:

1. My son is still seizure free.

2. I found my favorite pair of flip flops. They had been missing since July.

Friday, April 10, 2009

It's official

After a long talk about a lot of stuff, my husband finally admitted that he didn't want to participate in the study. I'm not upset or angry. I just glad he finally admitted so we stop wasting everybody's time. Since this is a holiday, I am looking for eating disorder specialists who have a sliding scale. I think it is important that I stay on the road of recovery and not be left to my own devices. Since my own devices usually include crippling depression, restricting like crazy and suicidal thoughts.

I am glad we cleared the air. Last night, I wrote him a two page letter with bullet points. He said the letter gave our conversation some structure. I am not naive to think things will be all peaches and cream. It felt good to be heard and to have a conversation over a meal. My husband said he has missed us going out to eat to discuss things and just be a couple. I had the buffet at KFC. In the past, buffets would frighten me but the KFC buffet here is small and manageable.


Also I realize I didn't thank my husband for the dress he got me for our anniversary. I told him I was preoccupied with the fact the dress was formfitting and would make me look like was pregnant. But secretly I am wondering why did he buy that dress. I mean he knows my body issues. Why not a pair of jeans and a shirt? Why that dress. It's a nice dress with a nice pair of sandals. Maybe, he figured it would give a goal to aspire to wear.

Even though, I am leaving the study. I don't think it was a waste. I have gained a lot from my therapists. I now know that I am ready for recovery and not afraid to face my fears. It's scary but it's even scary if I don't try and ended up letting Ana defeat me. I refuse to let her win.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Busy day

This year I will be in charge of lawn care since I am the only one with no allergies. I made sure I ate breakfast--two bowls of cereal and peanut butter and jelly sandwich before I begun. It took a few hours but I did the mowing. A few hours and three water bottles later. I am proud of myself because I did it. I checked out the mower, brought a new gas can, got gas and did mower maintenance by myself. Go girl power!!!!! The yard looks great. I didn't realize how big and cumbersome our lawn was until I started to cut it. Since we live beside a busy highway, I got honked at a lot.

Lunch was some leftover KFC and soup. Best meal ever. It amazing how good food taste when you are tired and hungry.

Afterwards, I met up with the beach bums (my guys). My son had so much to tell me that I thought he would burst. He has a runny nose so I don't know if it's a cold or allergies.

I'll try to post some this weekend but due to the holiday, it will be sporadic since the library will be closed. So Happy Easter and may all have a good holiday.

P.S--Thanks for the comments and advice. We'll see how things go.

What to do????


Yesterday, I went for study day. I met with the nutritionist who was pleased that I am drinking more water and adding more veggies to my diet. She said she was also pleased with my attitude of being proactive and being able to see my triggers to restrict. I have to say that I really feel comfortable with the nutritionist. In the past, most nutritionist are judgmental and bossy but she is polite but firm. I like that.

Next up was my therapist Milly. She is the coolest. We talk about different things and then I discovered my husband had not called the couples' therapist to tell her he wasn't coming. Milly and I discuss this. I told her I have done everything in my power to convince my husband about important it is to participate in this study. But my husband seems to think I find treatment closer and pay a sliding fee rate. The sliding fee rate is okay after I finish but I gaining some great tools and help now for fee from one of the best eating disorder programs in the nation. For some reason, he just doesn't get this. Or the fact that is hard to admit to someone that you have an ED and divulge your deepest and darkest feelings about it. I wonder sometimes if he just wants me to always be fragile and helpless. I mean he says he wants me well and wants the girl he first knew years ago but I wonder.....

Anyway, this is just one of three major topics to talk about this weekend. In the past, I wouldn't have been up for this. But being in this study has given me a lot of tools and strength. If I have to leave the study, I can say one thing for certain--it wasn't because I didn't try or because I gave up. I have met most of my goals.
GOAL 1--Gain and maintain a weight between 103 to 110 lbs. I have done this. I now weigh 107.9 lbs. And I am okay with this weight. A teensy bit of anxious but overall I feel good about it.

GOAL 2--Eat three meals and two snacks. I am also there on this one. It is more like two meals (lunch and dinner), one big snack (breakfast) and two snacks.

GOAL 3--Drink more water. This is goal has been met and surpassed.

As for my husband, I don't really know what to do. I could see if I wasn't getting any better or just wasn't trying. So whatever the problem is, it is on him. But as for me, I am going to be okay.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Chapel Hill Day

Once again, I am here for study day with the nutritionist and therapist. Oh by the way, GO HEELS. Congratulations on capturing the championship.

Since it is just me at the house. I leisurely got up and ate breakfast, which was some leftover Manwich from last night. Yesterday, I went mini grocery shopping. Instead of spending five minutes in the store. I was in there for 30 minutes. I got a little anxious but manage to calm myself down. I brought some good stuff--peas, corn and broccoli with cheese,garlic toast, hamburger, orange soda, water and a Glamour magazine. I felt goog being an active participant in my recovery. It just felt so good to shop even for a little bit. I may have to try this some more.

Today, it was a nice drive. I burned a cd for the drive that included U2, Coldplay, Lady GaGa, Lil Wayne and others. So I was dancing while driving. Gotta go, the nutritionist is here.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Shopping


My husband gave me some money to do a little shopping. Since I have started to gain weight, my clothes don't fit. In the past eight months, I have went from 75 lbs size 18 in girls to 105 lbs and sizes 2 to 4. It hasn't been easy maintaining the weight, but I keep telling myself it is for the greater good--my health and my son. I have been dreading it because it involves a mirror and trying on clothes. I decided to start simple and go to the Goodwill. A few hours later, I have a pair of jeans, a cute pair of ballet flats, a kick ass jacket, the perfect black sweater, a bag, some books for my son and a cool sweater. All this under $30 with some name brands. Goodwill rocks.

And I looked in the mirror without cringing too much. I have been given the go-ahead to do a little toning up and some moderate exercise. I want to look decent for swim season. My son will be taking swim lessons soon and I might just take some myself. So I want to be somewhat comfortable with my body. All in all, it has been a good day.

I have to do a little grocery shopping. This is a duty normally my husband does. He knows how much grocery stores freak me out. I have a list so I think I will be okay. I have to take life one day at a time and not stress so much.

Also, I had dinner at my in-laws last night. Normally, I avoid situations like this because I am working on my eating around people. My son and I ate fried chicken, mash potatoes and cheesecake while watching Pinocchio. I have never seen the movie. I mean I know what it is about but had never watched it. This is one of my son's favorites so he was happy to share it with me. I ate about 90 percent of my meal.

Some job prospects!!!!

Another week of applying for jobs. There are some reporting prospects, administrative jobs and possible some work at Myrtle Beach. I am just tired of not working. I help my in-laws and parents out a lot. I should volunteer more but taking care of family is enough.

I think tomorrow might be the last Chapel Hill day. My husband is applying for a job at Myrtle Beach. His thing is that help for my eating disorder can be gotten anywhere. I have given up on trying to tell him how important it is to be comfortable with your therapist. But I will take this week by week. I got my taxes done today. This is the latest that I have every had to do them. Being unemployed sucks. Before getting the taxes done, my husband took me to breakfast at Bojangles. Two breakfast days in a row. Money is very tight. I hope to take a trip back to my old stomping grounds in Mount Olive but I will just have to see how things will turn out. I miss MO but what's the point going back if I can't bring my son. My husband has been a stickler for JJ going places. Even taking him to see my parents is an ordeal because my husband worries about him having a seizure. I worry too but we can't keep the child in a bubble all the time. So I pick my visits and moments with care because I know it will be an ordeal.

I will be on my own for a few days because the boys are going way until Thursday.

My TO-DO LIST:
--Finish the spring cleaning in my room.
--Spruce up the yard. They have allergies and I don't so this is a perfect opportunity to cut grass.
--Help my mother-in-law clean.
--Go to Chapel Hill.

I have tried to put myself on an eating schedule so I don't stress myself too much.

Monday, April 6, 2009

Great meal!!!!

Yesterday, I had a great lunch with my son. Even though it wasn’t the most nutritious. It was meal that I ate without giving in to Ana. JJ had a hamburger and I had a chili dog and we shared an order of fries. We talked about dinosaurs, Curious George and sexy ladies. My three-year-old son has discovered girls. Two girls in bikini tops came into Hardees. It took a few minutes to get him back to eating. I remember thinking while I was eating that I am so glad that I didn't kill myself a few months ago. Even though, I still have bad days from time to time I don't want to miss my son discovering things and growing up. But for a hour yesterday, it was all about a mother and son. Not an eating disorder.

The whole weekend was great. Last night, I walked on the beach with my husband. It was a little cool but it was so nice. It amazing how if we take a little break from our lives how things can be put in some sort of perspective. This morning, we got an early stop with breakfast at a Bojangles. The steak biscuit is sky high in sodium but I love having one once in awhile. As my son would say it was delicious with a carton of orange juice. I even ate the crumbs. Both my son and husband seemed surprised. I thought about getting another but didn't want to push it. Well, time to head home and unpack. And clean all the sand out.

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Good times Fun times!


We are still at Myrtle Beach. I am not a group trip person. With this said, I have had a pretty good time. We didn't go bowling but my son had fun in the heated pool with his cousins. Afterwards, we had at late dinner at Shoney's. I have never been a Shoney's person but last night the food was great. JJ spent the night with his cousins in the high rise hotel. My husband and I stayed at a friend's house. He was sleep before I was done showering.

The bathroom is full of mirrors. I absolutely hated it. I am not comfortable with looking at myself yet. So I was very anxious and just downright uncomfortable. So far today, I have brought two newspapers. My husband brought some shirts. We had lunch at Hardees and now the two guys are on the porch talking with old friends. JJ is pretty good at conversing with adults. Meanwhile I am inside blogging and watching the NASCAR race. All in all, it has been a pretty good day. I love the beach. It is very relaxing.

Now the gang wants to the flea market and a walk on the beach. Life doesn't get any better than this.

Saturday, April 4, 2009

Family day


I think we are going to join my sister-in-law and her daughters at the beach this afternoon. My husband hasn't decided yet so I am trying to get some stuff done. If we go, this is going to be so much fun. My son loves the beach. Plus, I think we are going to try to go bowling tonight. It will be his first times. I so enjoy watching him experience the firsts. It makes my heart and soul so happy. Yesterday, we worked on counting. Not to brag but my little guy can count to 30. He's a little smartie. And he is soooo outgoing.

I remember one time we were at Wal-Mart standing in line. Behind us was a rough looking biker dude with the tattoos and everything. My son smiles at him and says "hey what's your name? My name is JJ!" And then my son held his hand out. By the time we had checked out and were leaving the man remarked how he was having a bad day but my son cheered him up. It makes me happy to know my son has this ability to help others.

It's moments like this that help keep me going. Moments that keep me on the path of trying to deal Ana. I want to be around to see my son experience his first. Plus, my baby has discovered girls at three years old. Actually much older girls. He found a cousin's Maxim with a bikini clad girl on the cover. He now likes "sexy ladies." This is what he calls girls in bikinis--sexy ladies. So if we see some at the beach, he will be very happy. Ahh, my baby is growing up so fast. First walking, then potty training and now girls. I guess I can't keep him a baby forever. So I will enjoy it while I can.

It's a lovely, sunny day so I need to finish up my errands and gather up our stuff. To all, have a happy Saturday and a even happier Sunday!!!!!

Friday, April 3, 2009

The Sun has returned


After what seems like days and days of rain, the sun is back. Sun, I missed you a lot. I kind of slept in this morning after the long day yesterday so I'm trying to make the most of the day.

Yesterday, I applied for a ton of jobs online. I know somewhere out there is a job for me. I just hope it finds me soon. I am really working on the amount of water that I drink.

From time to time, I watch General Hospital (a soap opera). I heard on the news that the Guiding Light, a soap opera, is being cancelled in September. I never really watch this but my late grandmother did. This was her show. I can remember coming home from school at 3:30 knowing that it was still during the sacred hour. When the show was on from 3 to 4 p.m. my grandmother was not to be discovered. The only acceptable reasons were the house on fire or death. Sometimes I would watch it with her. I know she is probably disappointed to hear that her show is leaving the air. It is the longest running show on television and it started as a radio show. My grandmother used to talk about all the radio shows she and my grandfather listened to. She has been dead for 10 years but I still miss her. She helped to raise me and shaped me into the woman I am today. She always told me that I would go places. I think about things like this now because of the way my life is now. I hope she isn't disappointed. Her name was Bessie and she totally rocked!

Interview Q & A

Hi Ribbon,
I wasn't sure how to link the answers back to you so I decided to post them. I still trying to figure all of this out. Here's the answers!

1. Why do you blog?
It gives me an outlet to express myself and I have met many nice people from all over the country and the world.

2. Do you have any hobbies?
I love to read all kinds of things. I also collect anything of James Dean and Curious George. I have also a magazine and library junkie. I love going to different cities to see what their library look like.

3. If you could have just one wish, what would that be?
My son would be healthy and seizure free.

4. Why do you live where you live?
For now, it is near my parents and in-laws who are not doing well, need support and some TLC.

5. Tell us something that you really like about yourself?
I like my sense of style even if others don't agree or understand.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

MRI update


We are back home. Actually, my son is at my in-laws. I needed a break from in-law overload. They are great people but too many of them can be to much for me. JJ was quite a big boy with the MRI. He was upset when came from under the drugs. The doctor said he will be in and out all day. The results of the MRI will not be revealed to us until the April 27 when we go for our second opinion at UNC-Chapel Hill. (GO HEELS!!!!!) So now we just watch him and wait. So far he has been doing great. I can't wait until the weather is lovely and we can hit the park with my nephew. They love the park.

On the way to radiology, my son saw the bird display at the hospital and informed my husband and I that he wanted a bird someday. "Not now, Mommy," he said. "But someday I want a bird." I added this to my mental list of things to remember since I know he will not forget this.

I am starting to feel like myself. While waiting for the MRI to be completed, I emailed some follow up letters to some jobs I had applied for. I also applied for a job as a store clerk at a convenience store/truck stop near my house. It is less than five minutes. So I am trying to stay busy and stay positive. From here, I am headed to the grocery store. Since JJ couldn't eat this morning because of the MRI, we all went without. I did get a muffin and a bottle of water from the cafe cart at the hospital. The old me would have used this as an excuse to restrict. I think I am actually going to cook this evening for the family. I haven't decided what yet.

A first no one wants

My son is having a MRI today. It's hard not being back there with him. But JJ is strong. I hope we can find out the reason for the seizures. I have been up since 4:15 a.m. The MRI was scheduled for 8 a.m. but we had to have him at the hospital by 7 a.m. JJ was given some red liquid to make him drowsy. This is a first that nobody wants to have for their child.

Being in the surgical waiting room, brings back memories of when my mom had surgery in October. So we wait. My husband, my mother-in-law and sister-in-law are here just waiting. I think this is the longest 45 minutes of my life.

I do not like parking decks. All those vehicles stacked on top of each other. Since I have been coming to this hospital with my mom, I feel a kinship with this hospital. As I write this my husband and in-laws have struck up a conversation with others who are waiting. They are not shy folks.

After the MRI, I think we are going out to eat since JJ couldn't eat or drink for the MRI. Since I am still feeling down, I decided that each today I will find three things that I am thankful for in my life. I did this last night in my journal so I figure I will put it on my blog.

I will call it the daily 3:
1--Overall, my son is in good health and a great kid.
2--My mother is back to doing her routine.
3--I woke it this morning. We should always celebrate this.

The results of the MRI will not be known until April 27 when we could to the University of North Carolina hospital in Chapel Hill.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Anniversary of some sort

It was one year ago today that the new owner took over the newspaper where I worked. Two days from now, I was eliminated. The reason I bring this up, I found out my benefits year for unemployment ends on April 11. I have been unemployed for almost a year. So today is sort of a down day. I had to cancel Chapel Hill because the state of North Carolina is so overwhelm with unemployment claims that my money has not been deposited so I didn't have enough gas money. I didn't find this out until last night when my husband said there was no money on the card.

Today, I met with someone at the unemployment office. She was very nice and understanding. She said it was computer snarfu and my money would be deposit later today. I can breathe a sigh of relief. This is when I found out about the benefits year. The lady should get a medal. After talking with me, she calmed down the angry lady behind me. So today is kind of a down day because I was looking forward to Chapel Hill. So here I am in the library. I am trying hard to stay on the path of straight and narrow (eating) but it is hard to muster up an appetite when I worried about finding a job, if they will find some type of abnormality in my son's brain and just being down in general.

Anyway, I am trying not to dwell on things to much. But some days, it just so hard to remember what my life used to be like. I miss working.

My home library is complete!!!!!

  I write a book column for Duplin Times in Kenansville, N.C. called the Book Nerd. This is my May column, which is about me finally comple...